The Wahlberg Awards – Michael Clayton

Ostensibly a run-of-the-mill corporate thriller, with the morality of beat-down corporate lackeys compromised by fealty to the faceless shareholder and terrible things done to the environment in the name of profit, Michael Clayton is lifted above the other movies in this sub-genre not only by the excellent performances of everyone involved (especially Gorgeous George, Tilda Swinton, the much-missed Sydney Pollack, and Tom Wilkinson), but by Tony Gilroy’s beautiful script, concentrating more on the motivations and fears of the players in the game than on the game itself. Even if it’s a story we’ve seen told before, Gilroy’s attention to character detail transforms the movie into something more than its parts, allowing us to use our knowledge of the sub-genre’s ins and outs as a subconscious baseline while layers of emotional meaning are piled on top. Plus, we get a great WTF expression from Gorgeous George Clooney, and as a result wins a Wahlberg Award for Best Response To Having Your Car Blown Up By Inept Assassins Hired By An Academy Award Winning Superlady Who Should Win Awards On A Regular Basis.










I loved how Clayton is kicked about through the whole movie to such an extent that at the end he does the right thing not because it is the right thing to do, but because he’s so pissed off he wants to make someone pay, and the fact that the person who ordered the hit on him is also a total craven weakling he can push around makes it even better (at least, that’s one reading of his motivation; the film invites multiple different interpretations). There’s barely any nobility in the entire movie (for example, Tom Wilkinson’s character only does the right thing because he’s off his meds and fancies the girl who was in Studio 60), and yet it’s still satisfying at the end when he gets his (wo)man. The final shot, of Clayton in the back of a cab, just pondering his life, is one of my favourite final shots of recent years.

Man, when I saw this I just kinda liked it, but the more I think about it, the more I love it. Canyon is cleverly using my fascination with Tony Gilroy to lobby for a Chez Canyonneck screening of The Cutting Edge, a film I’ve avoided not because it’s about a subject I have no interest in, but because it was directed by Starsky, and the only other film by him I’ve seen (The Running Man, obviously) didn’t exactly light my fire. Plus, Moira Kelly is lemon juice on a split lip. Figuratively speaking.

Ironically, Gilroy’s next directorial venture, Duplicity, stars Julia Roberts, who makes Canyon’s brain pulsate with intense dislike, so there’s a good chance she will duplicate my Gilroy-project apathy. It sounds mighty good to me, though, featuring as it does Hunky Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti (a Shoot ‘Em Up reunion!), Billy Bob Thornton, and Tom Wilkinson, now happily back in our good graces following his terrific performance in HBO’s Recount, which made us momentarily forget the debacle that was his disastrous appearance in Cassandra’s Dream. Sadly, no role for Tilda, though. The Tilda Swinton Fanclub is very angry about this turn of events!

The Wahlberg Awards – The Bourne Supremacy

While waiting for Jon Favreau’s excellent Iron Man to begin, we were treated to a newer, more polished version of the trailer for M. Night Shyamalan’s The Eventening (aka The Happening), and were treated to Mark Wahlberg’s Oh Shit face on the big screen.


It’s even more suspense-ruining than we first thought, and I’m sure I heard titters of disbelief around the room. Anyway, in honour of the forthcoming publicity blitz that will hopefully turn more people on to the ridiculousness, here’s another award, this time for Joan Allen, commemorating the Best Response To Getting A Non-Booty Call From A Kickass Assassin While At Work, in Paul Greengrass’ magnificent The Bourne Supremacy.




Jason Bourne really is one of those guys who just loves to catch people out. Even before being turned into a spy/assassin hybrid he probably used to put whoopee cushions on chairs and squirted people in the face with fake flowers. Sadly, meeting Albert Finney robbed us of a great clown, and what did we gain instead? Nothing but efficient death, pro-hands-free propaganda, and some very intense running. Thanks for that, Albert Finney.

The Wahlberg Awards – Dune

With the recent news that Shades-Of-Caruso-favourite Peter Berg is going to direct another version of Frank Herbert’s OPEC-in-Space epic Dune, I realised that the David Lynch version, as well as being unfairly criticised, features one of the great OH SHIT moments of our time. And so, Everett McGill, you win the Wahlberg Award for Best Response To A Murderous Messiah Going Loco On Sting’s Ass:








Actually, Everett McGill’s real response in that scene is perfect as it is. After Paul “Usul” Atreides unleashes his awesome voice power on Feyd’s corpse, McGill says, “Muad’Dib!” like he just smelled a really noxious fart and was laying the blame at his messiahs feet. Which is surely a) rude enough to be really strongly advised against, and b) silly, as it’s got to be impossible to guff while wearing a stillsuit.

I love Dune.

Introducing The Wahlberg Awards

I recently wrote about forthcoming summer movies, many of which were high on my own list of highly anticipated events though I foolishly missed off the Ferrell/McKay comedy Step Brothers. That should be a punishable offence, though it’s nowhere near as egregious a sin as releasing it in the UK two months after the US GAH!

Anyway, since then I have been haunted by an image from the trailer for M. Night Shyamalan’s It’s My Happening, Baby, And It Freaks Me Out (as Canyon has retitled it). If you’re a regular reader, you know the one.


It definitely ruins that trailer, and I’m looking forward to seeing it on the big screen, in the hope that the audience will react in the same way. That said, it struck me that Mark Wahlberg has an amazing face for selling “OH SHIT!” moments, and it occurred to me that I need to lavish praise on those moments in film in which an actor memorably conveys the feeling of pooping their pants with shock and sudden realisation. And so, I present to you the inaugural Wahlberg Award, for Best Response To Global Ecological Catastrophe.



The statuette’s in the post, Marky Mark. Okay, it’s not an Academy Award, but it’s better than not winning one for The Departed and then having to put up with Ellen DeGeneres trying to involve you in an unfunny joke during the Oscar broadcast last year.