A Very Specific Kind Of Wonderful

The ever-besieged BBC is currently earning its keep by showing two ambitious series about music; The Sound and the Fury, which focuses on the composers of the 20th Century, and is part of a festival held in London’s Southbank inspired by Alex Ross’ The Rest Is Noise, and Howard Goodall’s Story of Music which takes on an even more daunting task, that of attempting to show how Western music has developed over centuries. Goodall’s series has been viewed with some critical complaint; while The Sound and the Fury attempts to make relatively popular 20th Century composers like Glass, Pärt and Reich more accessible to a sceptical public, knowledgeable critics have viewed Goodall’s series as too light, too sprawling to provide true insight into the evolution of the form, or how music is created. (I always assumed it was something like this.)

Which, if you’ll forgive the outburst, is hot bollocks.[1] To those who have grown up in an environment in which the progression in musical theory and artistic complexity from Bach to Mozart to Beethoven is part of a balanced and thorough education, all of this might seem obvious, but it’s all new to me, and talk of minor thirds and intervals, harmonic progressions and the Circle of Fifths, equal temperament and twelve-tone serialism, has been fascinating. For those of us unlucky enough to have been put off from learning about such things due to financial contraints in childhood, this has been public-service broadcasting at its best, and Howard Goodall’s populist but challenging commentary is perfectly pitched. I’ve learned more about music in the last month than in all the years before it (that’s a lot of years; don’t bother asking for further clarification on that).

A couple of weeks ago Goodall compared the works of Liszt and Wagner, semi-contemporaries working at different ends of the musical, emotional spectrum. He discussed the idea of music inspired by Impressionism, operas or symphonic poems that would conjure up specific emotions or images, telling stories through use of leitmotif and thematic transformation, narrative provided through repetition and symbolism. This was the programme that was running through my head, sustained by a hastily Spotified Tannhäuser, as I walked into the cinema to watch Terrence Malick’s To The Wonder, and it became impossible to separate the new ideas planted in my head by Goodall from the overwhelmingly emotional and evocative vision so expertly created by the elusive filmmaker.

Reviews of To The Wonder will inevitably struggle to describe the seemingly amorphous movie, a collage of imagery almost entirely without dialogue. Nevertheless, the Wikipedia synopsis — “A romantic drama centered on an American man who reconnects with a woman from his hometown after his marriage to a European woman falls apart” — is misleading. I’ve seen this elsewhere and can’t help but be repeatedly astonished. Yes, Malick is interested in much more than just one story about one relationship; this is a film about all relationships, between lovers, between a single person and his fellow humans, between the earthly and the divine, as you would expect from the great man. Yet it’s worth noting that in trying to boil this complex tapestry down to a line you would assume this is specifically a film about a man and his relationships, when in fact the film begins and ends with Olga Kurylenko’s Marina[2], a woman who is in almost every shot of the movie except for a small section about a third of the way through, and whose voiceover is the viewer’s companion for almost the film’s entirety. But then I guess she’s not the biggest star in the film.

Affleck plays Neil, a nearly mute geologist who we first see on holiday in France with Marina, both deeply in love with each other, joyfully travelling to the island fortress/commune of Mont St. Michel in Normandy. From here we see them and Marina’s daughter Tatiana (from a previous, broken marriage) move to Neil’s home in the American Midwest, where the relationship falters for reasons unspecified, though intuitively experienced by the audience; more on that in a moment. Marina and Tatiana leave, and Neil rekindles a romance with Jane (Rachel McAdams, whose role amounts to an extended cameo; sorry, McAdams fans). It’s not long before Neil’s hesitance and sense of duty to Marina leads to him abandoning Jane and marrying his former lover, who returns to the US with legal documentation on her side. The rest of the film details the ups and downs of their relationship, while a subplot about a priest (Javier Bardem) struggling with his faith plays alongside.

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This sounds plotted, in the sense of depicting a series of events in a temporally ordered, causal fashion, but this is all conveyed without dialogue and using only elliptical voiceovers ruminating on faith and love (with dashes of exposition added here or there to cover patches of unseen time or untranslatable legal concepts such as visa laws). Malick’s use of visual symbolism to convey plot reminded me of Carlos Reygadas’ Post Tenebras Lux (which, in turn, reminded me of The Tree of Life), an interesting film which dealt with the terrifying impotent reactions of men to the unknown in nature and femininity. It too told its story through a web of imagery and juxtapositions, mocking the pretensions of modern civilisation in a world of ferocious hostility, but without a recognisable A-B-C narrative structure the effort to unravel Reygadas’ meaning took its toll. As an intellectual exercise Post Tenebras Lux is fascinating, but it’s also almost defiantly obtuse, almost alienating. This was my best effort at parsing it.

The same mental effort was expended in trying to come up with a coherent theory of what Malick was trying to do in To The Wonder, even more so than with The Tree of Life, with its cosmic scope balanced with the intimacy of its main thread; the cold vastness of the universe compared to the emotional failings of an aloof father, the possibility of redemption for men broken by a lack of nurturing, the pain that exists in a human contrasted with the gargantuan geological timespan and the trip from birth to a time beyond time, an afterlife in which God’s love exists as the only truth. As Malick spends much of Tree of Life layering together imagery in a pretty straightforward way — galactic segues notwithstanding — it offers easily-digestible narrative without much guidance. It’s there if you’re willing to look for it.

To The Wonder is arguably even more impressionistic. It lacks The Tree of Life‘s epic scope, taking a slice of time from four lives and showing their emotional and intellectual struggle through allusion, both visual and aural.[3] Drilling down into the human, which some might say is, in comparison to the breadth of Tree of Life, relatively trivial, might account for much of the criticism levelled at this. I can understand that. And yet I realised at the mid-point of the movie that as I struggled to interpret every repeated motif as metaphor hinting at grand themes, Malick’s mastery of the form was such that the actual plot of the movie was clear enough to follow without prompting; without any effort expended, even. Scale no longer mattered, thanks to this elegance, this precision. The story was laid as if colours were being painted onto my mind, a picture forming without me even realising. Whereas direct storytellers impart information through action and in-film communication, Malick was telling a story through movement, light, colour and music.

This form of storytelling is no doubt nothing new, but to someone (i.e. me) who is trying to write #TheProject — a heavily-plotted and comparatively conventional trilogy with criss-crossing arcs and broadly drawn characters and themes — it’s intriguing to see Inferential Narrative done to this extent, as an experiment in how far Malick can take the method. While Reygadas’ movie was so cold that attempting to engage with it was like chipping away at a block of ice, Malick’s movie is warm and encompassing, even if it isn’t the wishy-washy meditation on love and God of popular misconception. Mood is here conveyed through precise composition or movement of actor and camera in clearly realised spaces, or by changes in lighting or colour tone, or ambient sound mixed with a range of beautifully evocative pieces by Shostakovich or Dvořák or Górecki; characters or places as notes, scenes as refrains, narrative as symphony.[4]

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These techniques obviously aren’t unique to Malick, and to be honest it’s the least you’d expect from a real filmmaker, but by stripping away dialogue[5] and using only blunt metaphor mixed with inference he’s proving that that’s all you need, and this technique can create moments of incredible power; more than once I found myself moved to tears without understanding why this was happening. While my mind whirred in an attempt to find a pattern in this montage, Malick had reached into my heart and squeezed. All this in a movie about some really kinda selfish and lost people who almost defy sympathy, whose misunderstandings and heightened expectations are raised to an operatic level by Malick’s attentions. We have no need of the cosmic in this film; Malick’s eye and ear are enough to transform mundane inspections about the modern mind into something transcendental. This unapologetic approach is something his detractors mock, but if you’re able to tune into his wavelength the result can be insight, emotion, even awe.

Initial reports of audience reactions to this movie were mixed — if you wish to be forgiving — though it has received more than its fair share of dismissive mocking; Malick’s sincerity seemed to only be accepted by some viewers when matched with a sporadic output. Familiarity has now bred contempt. It doesn’t help that the arguably shapeless nature of the narrative, coupled with a greater knowledge of Malick’s seemingly unformed and random filming process, has led to charges that he’s lazily filming people aimlessly walking around and then editing it together with a voiceover to give some kind of structure. There’s a case to be made for that, though I’d argue that the shot of Neil, now alone in his sparsely-decorated and suddenly shadow-filled house following Marina and Tatiana’s departure, walking past a dipping bird at the bottom of the frame, shows there is purpose here. Call this an obvious metaphor for Neil’s inability to break out of a pattern if you want, but don’t also accuse Malick of making it up as he goes along.

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Some good articles have been written about it as well, none more thrilling than Bilge Ebiri’s excellent theory in which he suggests that the continual movement of the characters is evidence that To The Wonder is to be considered as a ballet. Certainly this is suggested directly within the film; at one point Marina handles a pair of ballet shoes. It also makes sense when you see the numerous pirouettes performed by Marina and Tatiana (and, if memory serves me, Jane too), and with these three women moving around Neil in a pas de deux. These movements are dialogues or monologues, often with only a few different phrases — twirling as expressions of ecstatic joy, movement around other people as either borne of compassion or rejection, movement in rooms either as explorations of new surroundings or the pacing of trapped animals. With these few phrases Malick creates a complex and intuitive visual language, and instinctively we understand the evolution of the relationships, helped by his use of light and shadow, the changing of his palette from soft golds to flat browns to cold blues or greens.

(From this point on I’m going to get into specifics about the plot and what I think Malick’s movie means, so if you want to see it without this interpretation rattling around in your head then progress no further. I’ll just say this about the movie and then you can leave; To The Wonder represents the most pure expression of Malick’s filmmaking philosophy to date, and if you haven’t enjoyed his last few films then perhaps avoid this one too. But I’d argue that exposure to this full-on burst of Malickian methodology is worthwhile just on a technical level — the photography by Emmanuel Lubezki is breathtaking, and Erik Aadahl’s sound design is intelligent and does wonders in establishing tone or hinting at details unspoken — and to see Olga Kurylenko’s expressive physicality pretty much carry the film. As time wears on I realise what an interesting but oft-ill-served actress she has become, and hope that she finds challenging projects in future.)

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Beyond those elements are the specific visual signifiers and contrasts, starting with a quest for ecstasy — either religious or emotional — and eventually depicting depression borne of captivity as euphoria’s diametral state. At the start of the film we see Marina and Neil drive to Mont St. Michel, where they ascend stairs to reach the Cloister — this being La Merveille, aka The Wonder, of the title. This is during the first flush of love, the moment in their relationship during which they will feel the most overwhelming emotions, that lift the spirit up from the body, as shown by the continual upward pans of the camera, repeatedly leaving the ground to look up to the sky. The two lovers keep touching the things around them, as if holding themselves down to prevent them from flying up into the heavens; two people made weightless by the power of their feelings. This sets up the Wonder as the thing that all the characters want to get to, and though they manage it from time to time, they will ultimately be thwarted. This is not a sentimental film about the wonder of love; this is an exploration of the futility of chasing transient feelings of joy.

From then on Malick’s camera no longer pans up to the sky; Neil and Marina’s European sojourn ends and they move from the verticals of Europe to the horizontals of the Midwest, and though we see wide expanses of fields with a bright orange sun perpetually trapped in the Golden Hour, whenever the camera looks up from the ground we cut to shots of the sky, partially blocked by buildings or phone-lines, or criss-crossed with parabolic contrails, mocking the earthbound protagonists. While Mont St Michel is depicted — unexpectedly, and arguably as a critique of religion[6] — as a blue monument to God in the middle of a wet grey landscape, with only a flash of rose-red colour, Marina and Tatiana now find themselves in a world in which life is mocked by the garish colours of a supermarket, here filmed as a kind of funhouse for the young girl; anyone who has lived in Europe for most of their life will recognise the discombobulation experienced upon walking down rainbow aisles of American products, the eye unable to land on any one thing thanks to the dizzying abundance.

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Discombobulation is the key to this sequence. Marina and Tatiana struggle to adjust to the differences, to the wide world they find themselves in. There are almost no stairs here, and when there are they aren’t ascended together; instead they serve to show separation between Neil and Marina as their love sours. Even after Marina returns to Paris those skies are gone; we see her depression manifest in rainy night-time skies, the organic shapes of the old-Europe buildings replaced with La Grande Arche de la Défense. Malick isn’t done yet, though. The holy place in which Marina attempts to find solace upon returning to America is the church in which she finds Father Quintana, and even here the bright colours of the stained-glass windows evoke those consumerist distractions; religion as product, detached from nature, empty of deeper meaning, depicted earlier as drizzly grey but nonetheless genuine godliness. Marina has experienced the Wonder once, and as Quintana battles with his fading faith, so too does Marina on both the spiritual and emotional planes, battling to return to that state of grace.

By this point in the film Malick has started to increase the frequency of his most important visual component; the prison. In the midst of this natural beauty he adds grids, fences, the framework on which bleachers sit, tiled floors and suchlike. We see cattle held in pens, we see Jane offer her hands up to Neil for binding with a rope (with the statement, “I trust you”), and when Marina returns to the US to marry Neil for the purposes of obtaining a visa their “wedding” is held in a courtroom, surrounded by prisoners in handcuffs signing documents. The couple moves to a new house surrounded by a high fence, within which Marina paces relentlessly.[7] The sunlight which Malick has tried to equate with ecstasy and/or freedom is now filtered through windows and blinds, replaced with artificial light; one short sequence shows Neil and Marina turning lights on and off, followed by a montage of houses and streetlights filling patches of dark with their fake luminescence. The human need to conquer the natural order of things with an approximation of true glory, and only finding small solace in the inevitable blackness.

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It’s not just physical fences that bind these characters. Marina tells Quintana early in the film that she has already had one marriage go sour, and as a result she can no longer take communion. She is separated from the experience of receiving Christ, and despairs because of this. Her ability to stay in the US is curtailed by the expiration of her Visa, and she can only return with the help of Neil, who by this point has found what might be happiness — Wonder — with Jane. Nevertheless, for some reason, probably some sense of honour as much as it could be love, he leaves Jane and marries Marina, allowing her back. Whatever the reason, this is something that constrains him as much as any law does. He mutely accepts this obligation, even as he reinforces the shackles that hold Marina to him; twice in the movie we see him with tools in his hands, either when adding shutters to the windows of the house, or maintaining that all-important fence.

But it’s the act of being in a couple that seems to pen the characters in most of all, with Neil’s efforts to maintain the relationship with Marina causing the greatest unhappiness. Malick’s treatment of this man is curious; instead of being a protagonist he’s almost the antagonist, getting in the way of Marina’s evolution. Even more interesting is how he’s shot; usually from the same height as Marina, most often appearing onscreen as a chin or a back, infrequently in full view as he towers over his lovers or prowls the streets, investigating the pollution of the town’s groundwater and failing to provide comfort to those who live there, much as Quintana walks through the town, ineffectually trying to help the people living in the most impoverished areas. Malick treats Neil like some kind of unknowable monolith, only really showing him full-on, face smack in the centre of the frame, during a sermon from Quintana about Jesus helping those who act. Neil cannot act. As Marina says in voiceover later in the film, he can only wait for others to act to release him from things, and this proves to be true. His inaction holds everyone back.[8]

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But is it Neil’s inability to act that ruins his relationships? Or is it the act of being in love itself? Running alongside the other themes of imprisonment and transcendence is the idea that we corrupt things of nature or beauty. Quintana, in talking about love, acts as if it is a curse we cannot escape; “You shall love, whether you like it or not.” Our lives are wrecked by it, just as we wreck our environment, or each other. Neil investigates the pollution of a town by workers who rip the ground up and add lead and cadmium to the water — and, in a perfect example of his uselessness, we see him react to one man’s tale of woe involving his house being made unlivable by the work with the words, “That’s too bad”. Marina falls ill and fears that she’ll have to have a hysterectomy, only to find that an IUD is poisoning her body, depicted here as similar to a broken cross on an x-ray. During the course of the film she takes two lovers; each of them have bodies marked by tattoos.[9]

Purity of the spirit is made impossible by our actions; the uncertainty principle that leads to us chasing our tails and losing sight of the important things. Is the mind and its insatiable need to look for explanations to inexplicable things the problem? Is happiness ever attainable? Can we ever improve things for ourselves, or will our restlessness doom this endeavour and everything we try to do to fix things? Neil never improves anything; he makes everyone unhappy, cannot help the townsfolk, and doesn’t even seem to come up with a solution to the unnamed company’s polluting. Additionally Quintana’s ability to help people is affected by his over-intellectualising, which renders his faith next-to-useless. Only near the end does he rediscover his ability to help the decrepit and decaying townsfolk, his ambivalence cured by his decision to leave the place that he has grown to resent, even as Neil wrestles with the decision to leave Marina.

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This corruption of the spirit, this sense of obligation to stay with people or places that hold a person back, is the poison of the soul that prevents a person from finding that Wonder once more. In that sense this movie, derided as being some frippery about the nature of love, is actually searching for answers as to whether tying yourself to another person or place is healthy. Is marriage — love governed by rules both legal and religious — anathema to true intimacy and joy? Malick seems ambivalent about the idea of loyalty to others if that compromises your own emotional growth, and punishes Neil for his decision to help Marina, even if she would fare even worse without his help. We also never get clarification on whether Jane would make Neil any more happy than Marina; a woman who, along with Quintana, is out-of-place, eager to keep looking for the love of God but unable to due to society’s laws or a foolish sense of duty. Hell, Marina is, for much of the second half of the movie, so depressed she dresses almost exclusively in black, mourning the person she once was.

To The Wonder might be even more than a critique of marriage. Is Malick saying that we are wrong to try to recreate the true beauty of God’s love — which is what I took sunlight to represent here, usually fleetingly glimpsed trying to reach us through obstacles — with the insistence on clinging to those who make us feel a fragment of the rapture we once felt, hence the continual focus on artificial light? Marina is shown to be on anti-depressants; are relationships merely a respite from loneliness, a reminder of the experience of feeling accepted by forces beyond us? But then religion and spiritual joy is up for questioning too. Quintana’s sudden urge to avoid helping the people of the town makes him doubt everything, to the point that he offers communion to Marina even though this is in contravention of the Church’s rules. Even this act is mocked later as we see Quintana offering Communion to a number of convicts in the local prison, their mouths level with the hatch through which food is passed, the priest passing the wafer as if feeding a machine.

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Though Malick arguably presents established religion and any form of compromise within a relationship as being antithetical to the idea of freedom and spiritual epiphany, he still recognises the beauty to be found in the mundane, and as he builds to a crescendo in which Marina makes her move and frees herself from the bondage of love not truly felt — either by leaving Neil or by taking a different route, as hinted by some of the rather heavily sign-posted metaphorical imagery of the last few minutes[10] — Malick portrays these actions through beauty, perfectly matching image and sound, lifting me from my body and offering up the possibility that the decision to take control of one’s life, to act on instinct and cast off shackles, means a person might rediscover that wonder by removing the poison from one’s life and moving on, being true to oneself and never stopping until you find the person or situation that fills that hole in a person’s heart.

Ebiri sees the pirouettes as ballet moves, and he could be right. But these movements, these ecstatic turns made with arms outstretched, could also be flight, and though we end with Marina dancing into the dark with that artificial light at her back, nevertheless, for a moment there, she was able to fly[11]. Perhaps this beatific freedom is attainable by everyone. Malick might not mean that, making this one of his most pessimistic movies, in which the society — the prison — we have built is the inescapable thing that always holds us back, but nevertheless he cannot prevent me from coming to the conclusion that a life that contains even the possibility of momentary epiphany is a life worth living. He also cannot stop me from thinking that this intellectually precise work of immense honesty, curiosity and complexity gave me one of those fleeting experiences of great insight. Even when the beauty of its light is mixed so elegantly with the ambivalence of its darkness, this is his path to wonder.

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(For your information, this review was written while listening to a hastily constructed Spotify playlist that collects some of the music to be found in the film. No official soundtrack exists just yet, but a track listing exists online, and I made this playlist collecting the classical pieces. No word yet on whether Hanan Thompson’s original compositions will become available. I will say this though: Team Górecki 4evah.)

Return [1] Disclaimer: the gaffer on Goodall’s excellent series turned out to be my old mate John Slater, but I only found this out after I’d tweeted effusive praise about the show. As you would expect from this fine gentleman, it’s a very well gaffed show.

Return [2] You don’t hear anyone’s name during the movie; this is gleaned from the credits. Yet another nice touch; this is a movie about emotion, not specificity, and to screw things down to the ground with extraneous detail detracts from Malick’s goals.

Return [3] It’s also worth noting that this could be seen as another of Malick’s autobiographical works. The Tree of Life is often described as a film about Malick’s childhood and his struggles with his father — in this interview Brad Pitt says this wasn’t articulated to him during shooting but he felt there was something there that he too recognised — and there’s a possibility that this has something to do with a relationship in his past, though of course we don’t really have much to go on, considering his reclusive nature. What we can say is that even if this is meant to be a very personal film, Malick has filmed it in such a way that his concerns and questions become universal, which is great because seriously, who wants to watch a film about some guy working out his bitterness over a relationship break-up? That shit’s the worst. [Edited to add] Okay, that statement about us not knowing much about Malick’s history turns out to be not strictly true. Joseph McDonagh’s review contains a link to a Variety article (at the bottom) that contains a lot of telling detail about Malick’s second marriage. Let’s just say I’ve upgraded To The Wonder to the status of “guy using his past to explore big themes”.

Return [4] Were I more confident about such things I could probably try to break To The Wonder down into the four or five movements of a symphony, but considering I didn’t even know what a chord was until a couple of weeks ago it’s best I leave that to someone else, or just accept Bilge Ebiri’s ballet theory as the superior one.

Return [5] Much has been made of the film’s lack of dialogue, and indeed the main characters say very little, to the point that Marina’s greater share of voiceover duty means the film could almost qualify as “foreign language”. That said, Malick tunes into conversations occurring on screen as if they’re punctuation, or the notes of one of the instruments he is using in this symphony. I’d be interested to read a transcript of all of the words spoken in this film, either as voiceover or diegetic dialogue, to see how the phrases left in by Malick strengthen or weaken my arguments about the ultimate meaning of his brilliantly wrought meditation. There’s a chance that these splinters of speech have already worked on me; fractured to the point of making no sense but yet making a kind of sense at the corner of the mind, nothing direct but, as with the visuals, telling a story obliquely; a tale felt like a breeze on the skin, not experienced through brute pummelling.

Return [6] Yes, arguably, as Mont St Michel, even when shown in such grey tones, is still a wonder to behold — it was apparently the inspiration behind the design of Minas Tirith in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which makes sense as The Court of the Fountain, in which resides The White Tree of Gondor, is reminiscent of The Cloister, at least in my head. The other memory tweaked by this sequence is the shore of The Tree of Life, which one assumes is meant to represent the afterlife; we see Neil and Marina playing by the causeway that will be swamped by the tide that comes in to separate the fortress/monastery from the mainland. This strengthens the argument, as mentioned in spoilery point [10] below, that the final scenes have a greater significance than merely tying up the film with a visual bookend.

Return [7] Neil’s inability to settle down is reinforced visually by the boxes that litter all of his homes. There are very few furnishings, and instead we see his belongings either being removed from or placed in boxes. This sense of restlessness is mirrored by Marina and Quintana, separated from their homeland, cast adrift from their joy and unable to settle. Only Jane seems to be immune to this, living on her ranch. This stability could have been Neil’s too, if he had only stayed with her, but perhaps the open spaces, this freedom, is not his thing either. He needs to hide behind his walls, and if they’re not enough to keep things fixed to him, he will build fences to prevent people from leaving him alone.

Return [8] Though of course Neil does act, in helping Marina return to the States, but of course this could just as much be his fear of the feelings he has for Jane; we’ll never know. That said, at least he has Christ’s forgiveness to keep him warm, as is explained in-film, either by Quintana or Marina, I can’t recall who. What? Gimme a break, it’s not like I was taking notes. There’s a lot going on in this film and it’s hard to keep track of it all. Jeez!

Return [9] It might seem odd that Malick would follow The Tree of Life — a film that spanned all time and space and then beyond — with something relatively intimate (though with a visual scale that dwarfs most other movies), but while ToL juxtaposed the development of a man with the development of the Earth itself, this burrows down into the actual moment-to-moment life of a person within a body. Another consequence of his fascination with the movement of his characters is that Malick is depicting humans flexing and twisting their bodies, not only in relation to their surroundings and the people in their proximity but also in relation to themselves. His camera catches blemishes and pockmarks, moles and hair and skin and teeth, mostly clothed but sometimes naked as we become more intimately acquainted with who these people are. Among other things, this is an ode to what it is to be a human when rooted in a place, with time acting as the engine that wears us down physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Return [10] Spoilers here: The rather obvious symbolism of Marina walking down a long hallway into light, and then waking up in a field in which she has to drink rainwater collecting on trees, before cutting to a final shot of Mont St Michel, tends to suggest that she has decided to kill herself, as she threatened to do earlier in the film (after all we do see her making sure she reclaims all of her pills after spitting them at Neil), and the airport would therefore be a construct for the benefit of the viewer, but I hesitate to suggest that Malick would do something so clunky, mostly because it’s such a horribly downbeat possibility, not to mention an enormous cliche. Perhaps he is merely attempting to show the finality of Marina’s decision to leave Neil, utilising common metaphorical imagery for The End to denote her true progression into a new phase of life; a metaphor used as a meta-metaphor. Or this is my best fanwank yet.

Return [11] Hence ending the film in an airport.

New Poll: What Was Your Favourite Movie Of 2012?

Good afternoon – or morning — you slubberdegullions and ne’er-do-wells. It’s that time of the year again – a time of lists and polls and agonising over the ordering of films that really you’re not that crazy about if you’re going to be honest, but for the sake of neatness and getting the list up to a big enough number you have to figure out if you preferred Resident Evil: Retribution to This Means War (I can imagine a lot of film bloggers have been fretting over that one for the past few months). Shades of Caruso’s traditional Listmania! blow-out is still under construction, but until that moment, I can at least gather together the findings of the poll to find my readership’s favourite film of 2011, and I have to say, considering all the talk about the girthy Fassmember or the return of Lynne Ramsay, the result is not what I expected…

  • Tinker, Typist, Souljah, Spelunker (10 votes = 16.95%)
  • Drive, He Didn’t Say (8 votes = 13.56%)
  • Rise and Rise Again, Until Apes Become BrainApes (7 votes = 11.86%)
  • Cheer Up, Kirsten Dunst, It Might Never Happen (5 votes = 8.47%)
  • It’s a Tree, Yeah, And It’s, Like, A Metaphor For Life, Man (5 votes = 8.47%)
  • We Need To Talk About Thor’s Lickable Deltoids (4 votes 6.78%)
  • Jean Dujardin Is: L’Artiste Adorable! (4 votes = 6.78%)
  • Harry Potter and the Dirty Pillows, Part 12 (3 votes = 5.08%)
  • Mission Unpossible: Goat Prototype (2 votes = 3.39%)
  • Cheer Up, Michael Fassbender’s Penis, It Might Never Happen (2 votes = 3.39%)
  • We Need To Talk About Captain America’s Ripped Abs (2 votes = 3.39%)
  • Pirates Of The Caribbean: A Lovely Nap (2 votes = 3.39%)
  • Cheer Up, Michael Shannon, It Might Never Happen (1 vote = 1.69%)
  • Lynne Ramsay’s One Colour: Red (1 votes = 1.69%)
  • Twilight: The One With The Werepaedo (1 votes = 1.69%)
  • We Need To Talk About Green Lantern’s Shitty CGI Onesie (1 vote = 1.69%)
  • We Need To Forget About Charles Xavier’s Thinkyfingers Gesture (1 vote = 1.69%)
  • Tarsem’s Immortale, Pour Homme (0 votes)
  • Zack Snyder’s What’s Wrong With Being Sexy? (0 votes)
  • Therapeutic: Freud Vs Jung (0 votes)
  • The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Lizard Thingy (0 votes)
  • Hey Kids! It’s Uncle Marty’s “Fun With Film Preservation!” (0 votes)
  • Transformybots: Bang of the Boom (0 votes)
  • The Adventures of Tintin: The Whiny of the Butthurt (0 votes)

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Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy wins! It even beat Drive, which I suspect was the pick of many of my American readers, while the Le Carre adaptation appealed more to the Brits. I’d be able to study this theory with more data if I was willing to pay for Polldaddy Pro, but fuck that, it’s more than I can afford even to pay for the blog URL and we’re talking pennies there. Or maybe it’s just a Cumberbatch thing. I know what you guys are like. The other big surprises in that poll are the surprisingly strong showing for Rise of the Planet of the Apes — a summer crowdpleaser that hold up to repeated viewings — and the single vote for Green Lantern, which I’m convinced is some son-of-a-bitch trolling me, because that film stank even worse than I wrote a year ago and knowing someone chose that is like a badly rendered CGI dagger to my heart.

And now to the new poll, which should be up in the left-hand column of this new blog template (yes, I decided grey on grey, font size 0.5 was a bit hard on the eyes). Once more I shall keep this open all year to give people a chance to catch up to everything from 2012 as 2013 progresses. The choices are:

  • Michael Haneke’s Stop The Pigeon!
  • Marvel Presents Marvel’s The Assemblers In: Marvel’s Assemblers Avengle
  • Twilight: Paralysing Vapours Part The Seventeenth
  • Hanks on Hanks on Hanks (on Hanks on Hanks on Hanks)
  • A Film About Tiger Pie? I Don’t Get It
  • The Adventures of Teddy Fuxpin
  • DC Presents DC’s The Bat Man In: Fun With DIY Orthopedics
  • 2 Expendable, 2 Tedious
  • It’s Like Disco Beetlejuice But With Vampires, You See? Will This Do?
  • The Limo, The Actor, His Penis, and Eva Mendes In A Niqaab
  • Little Jackie Reacher’s Big Manly Adventure
  • (Don’t Fear) The Reaper (If You Are Liam Neeson) (See Also: Wolves)
  • The Spy Who Loved Those Space-Agey Brain Pills They Have Now
  • Sony Pictures Re-Presents: Marvel’s The Unappealing Spider-Grouch
  • Channing Tatum In: School of Cock
  • The Hoooooooooooooooobbiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
  • Farty Phoenix And The Philosophy Of Bollocks
  • The Bond Introspection
  • Alien Vs. Fanboys: Mortem Ad Lindelof
  • Spike Lee Presents: Spike Lee’s Old Beef Against Quentin Tarantino – A Spike Lee Joint
  • Yay / Boo For CIA Torture (Delete According To Political Affiliation)
  • Katniss Luvs Gale Or GTFO
  • Les (Photographie) Misérable (Et Importun)

So there you have it. If your favourite film isn’t up there, I’m sorry, but I have too much pride to add Snow White and the Huntsman to this list no matter how much money it made through some kind of dark sorcery. In the event of a missing film, please choose one anyway; your votes are appreciated even if it’s not your first pick and the thought of selecting something else makes you kinda furious at me. As for my choice of these films? We’re getting closer to Listmania! 2012, where I shall reveal my choice; a pick that is so predictable that anyone who has spent more than two minutes talking to me this year will already know what it is. Keep checking back this week, as well as for my galaxy-distorting Spotify Playlist Of Annual Brilliance (feat. Grimes and that Dan Deacon fellow).

BFI LFF 2012: Post Tenebras Lux

The first movie Shades of Caruso saw at the London Film Festival was Enter The Void way back in 2009, and even though I understand the argument that it is merely a hollow exercise in style over substance with nothing to say, to a certain extent it has haunted my experiences of the festival. Every film seen since then has had to live up to the overwhelming experience of watching that intentionally exasperating but technically peerless transgressive afterlife fantasy. Even when we saw Black Swan (my film of 2010), Darren Aronofsky namechecked Gaspar Noé’s movie and begged the audience to see it as soon as possible; aptly, considering how immersive and nightmarish both films are.

Carlos Reygadas’ Post Tenebras Lux was one of my wildcard movies for this year, a controversial and negatively critiqued anti-narrative movie with a distinct, experimental visual style; a description which brought back memories of Enter The Void. Like a junkie chasing the orgasmic feeling of that first high, I booked a ticket for this with absurdly high hopes. Long story short: this is not an intense visual trip designed to evoke an emotional response through a flow of imagery and sound, more a collection of vignettes that evoke a mood of gloom, obliquely hinting at a narrative either torn apart by random editing, or creating a narrative-by-inference through its seemingly fractured Expressionist structure which demands you engage with it intellectually.

So this is how this is going to go. I haven’t seen Reygadas’ other films yet, so have no frame of reference there. I’m not up on experimental film techniques, and couldn’t tell Stan Brakhage from Matthew Barney, so there’s very little I can say about Post Tenebras Lux in terms of how it fits in with contemporary art-house cinema, or Mexican culture, or pretty much anything, and attempts to do so will expose me as the terrible fraud I’ve tried to hard to hide from you, Dear Reader. All I can do is say what I think Reygadas’ lengthy crawl through atemporal context-less montage means. Because I’ve seen some say it makes little sense, but it seemed pretty straightforward to me, though in the most unstraightforward way imaginable. (Spoilers from here on, obvs.)

There are a few interpretations that occurred to me as my mind whirred throughout, but the thing that struck me quickly is that this jumble of imagery is intentionally structured no matter how perplexing it might seem, and though this might seem like an unimportant or mundane observation, it made me want to parse the movie instead of writing it off. After a recent frustrating experience with Alain Resnais’ You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet — which is similarly obscure but didn’t strike me as deserving of much interpretive effort — early on I suspected Post Tenebras Lux was within my grasp. A shot of lightning flashing above a field intercuts with light flashing in a room; one scene linked to another in an abstract manner. Order, of sorts. I can work with that.

First we see a young girl called Rut in a field with cows and dogs and horses (donkeys?); she splashes around in puddles, calling out names, her face framed by Reygadas’ PTL-Cam, as I’ve decided to call his 1:33 Academy aspect ratio imagery with its perplexing blurred edge which effectively shrinks the image down even further. The sky darkens and she remains there, alone, calling out for her mother, as a storm flickers on the horizon and thunder rumbles. From here we see the interior of a darkened house. A door opens, and a luminescent red “silhouette” of the Devil walks out, carrying a toolbox, his genitals visible as he paces through the house, into a room in which a man and a woman sleep. A young boy sees this, says nothing.

So we’ve got a religious reference, and we can see the movie through that frame, with Catholic/Christian imagery as a likely Rosetta Stone. From here much of the movie focuses on the family life of Juan and Natalia, and their children Rut and Eleazar (Reygadas’ real-life daughter and son), non-linearly following them as they live and play and argue. Natalia says very little, while Juan bosses adults around, viciously beats up one of his dogs, attends an AA-meeting held in the house of his handyman Seven, where he admits he’s addicted to internet pornography. He’s a vile human, to be honest. Seven isn’t much better; he admits to abusing his family while addicted to drugs; he is now an exile from them. So now we have isolation and warped masculinity.

Adding to these planks we get seemingly pointless cuts to a young team of English schoolboys preparing to play a rugby match, two old men argumentatively playing chess while two other men outside talk about bartering and doing work on a house, more dog abuse from a loathsome guy who hires Seven to cut down a huge tree to spite his sister, and most bizarrely, a wedding ceremony filled with pretentious chatter about literature which cuts to a bath-house in which a man is aggressively penetrated offscreen while a roomful of people dispassionately sit around. Juan and Natalia are there. They leave, find another room — named after Duchamp, though they first pass through Hegel — where Natalia has sex with a man while a naked woman strokes her head and talks to her about love and beauty.

Of all the peculiar associations from one scene to the next created by these juxtapositions, this blunt satirical dig at the pretensions of the wedding guests, civilised on the outside but animalistic, carnal and cruel on the inside, seemed the most obvious of them all. Reygadas has, to this point, been making clear points about the viciousness of humans, cruelly beating dogs, asserting dominance over other humans, fighting and fucking and hiding all of this behind a veneer of culture and ownership; desire mutated into voracious, soulless hunger. The adults are lost, miserable, alone. Only Rut and Eleazar are free and innocent, but their corruption is imminent, as the grandmother handing out money and urging boys to become businessmen shows. Adulthood is empty, a bleak journey to a dead end, a fate to be dreaded.

Commerce, bartering and organised dances of dominance and competition (sport as metaphor for the assertion of canine Alpha Male superiority) are the only ways in which the men in this world can communicate; even the discussion about literature comes down to a display of pompous brinkmanship. Nature is subjugated, ignored, treated like an inconvenience or a commodity, and civilisation is an pointless exercise in hiding our greedy nature, all interaction reduced to the owning of things or people. The men here are endlessly cruel, the women ignored or admired only for their beauty, denied agency by the controlling men. Juan tells his wife at one point that he will fuck her later; when she says she has an infection he replies, “That’s what the back door is for”. A human race led by bullying Alpha males; uncaring, ugly, incapable of empathy.

Reygadas has said this is semi-autobiographical, and I’d like to assume that the nastier elements of this are exaggerated expressions of self-loathing or horror at the worst excesses of masculine cruelty, taken as snapshots from moments in his life, or fictional representations set in the countries he has lived in; that macho hostility tainting his past like a spray-can adding graffiti to his memories. Without knowing more about him I can only go on suspicion of what his imagery is meant to symbolise; that the PTL-cam is meant to emphasise the loneliness of the characters, their dislocation from the world and people around them, or acting as a bubble that they are trapped inside, keeping them separate from the nature they were once a part of in their youth.

I also know nothing about Reygadas’ faith, but if a Devil is going to wander into the movie, glowing with crimson light like a stop sign, the Bible is obviously important. We start with a young girl naming animals, we get the sense that the characters here have been expelled from nature/paradise, and Juan seemingly resents his female counterpart for slights we do not understand; either “traditional” misogyny or the anger of Adam towards Eve. We see a tree (of knowledge) about to be cut down. We see a Devil in a house; a snake in a familial setting who will corrupt those he finds there. We see Sodom and Gomorrah in a bath-house, we repeatedly hear a coming storm (Juan’s rage perpetually on the horizon), and after Seven’s final crime we see rainfall almost as powerful as that during a flood.

We also see a man (Juan? It’s hard to tell) take his son and daughter on a boat-trip through reeds, conjuring up images of Moses as a child; once at their destination the man teaches the daughter how to shoot ducks, once more exerting deadly dominance over nature, teaching his offspring these cruel ways. Packs of dogs run throughout like something from The Omen. Flies crawl over the characters from time to time; the Devil is the Lord of Flies, after all. And at the end we see Juan shot by Seven (the number of God, if Frank Black and this Wikipedia page are anything to go by), then forced to convalesce, helpless in his bed, reliant on his family to support him and keep him occupied.

The terrible father, brutaliser of animals and heartless dominator of women, finally reflects on his life, and his dream is of his youth, when he loved “all the things”. He returns to a state of love and innocence, an epiphany brought on by his metaphorical death (I doubt that it is a real death even though his son says, in a subsequent scene, that he has died). Juan can only now understand love and the thought of companionship with his fellow man when he is threatened by its loss; he comes back to life after death, which is caused by the betrayal of a friend. So here is Juan is Jesus, betrayed by Seven / Judas, and not long after this the traitorous handyman takes his own life by pulling his own head off in one of the most mystifying moments in the whole film.

But is Reygadas linking religion (the Roman Catholicism of his native Mexico) with subjugation of women, the oblivious and misogynist rule of the patriarchy, the death or corruption of the human soul, the loss of innocence and the terrible loneliness of life badly lived? It’s one thing to make a movie criticising masculine cruelty, but adding religious imagery (a masculine Devil) inevitably links the two. Is this why the movie is such a perplexing jumble of meaning? Can he only rage against these things through some coded message for fear of angering his countrymen or clergy? Have I been reading too many Dan Brown novels? Or is the movie intentionally vague to create some kind of universality, a collage of painful moments that will chime with a larger number of audience members?

Or is Seven the Devil? He’s a handyman, and the Devil who creeps through the house is carrying a toolbox; a detail I didn’t spot until chatting with two complete strangers after the screening. Are the falling trees prior to Seven’s suicide a sexual reference? Is his head coming off in an orgasmic splurt of blood a reference to ejaculation? Why are there so many references to cultural artifacts (Spider-Man, R2D2, Buzz Lightyear, etc.), none of which are from Mexico? Is this a dig at cultural imperialism? How much of this is a cry of rage directed outwards, not inwards? What significance does the inclusion of Neil Young’s “It’s A Dream” have, other than the obvious meaning? Is Juan and Natalia’s awful singing intentional? And did so many dogs have to suffer?

I’m going to have to go back to this, a lot. This is a more precise movie than even Reygadas will accept, I’m sure of it. The fact that it’s about the cruelty and ignorance of men, and the animal nature of humans which roils beneath a ridiculous facade seems bluntly obvious, but whether this goes further to be a veiled comment on the influence of religion, or the corruption of Godly purity by the brutality and desperation of men fighting for supremacy over each other is something I can only suspect. And there are other interpretations; ecological collapse caused by our hubris (the shot of Frederic Edwin Church’s painting ”Floating Iceberg” hints at this), cultural invasion, a wish for a return to innocence expressed by creating a work as mystifying as the world seems to a child.

I also wondered if this is a retelling of the Bible itself, beginning with the naming of the animals in Genesis, ending with a flood representing the disasters that will destroy the world a la Revelations, and even featuring an epilogue in which the young proclaim that they must team up to win, which could refer to the armies of God who will battle Satan’s forces after the Rapture. The knotted chronology — which could be Reygadas re-ordering his life to match the Bible’s order — also made me think of Philip K Dick’s Exegesis and the idea that The Empire Never Ended, that time stopped 2000 years ago and we are still living under the rule of the Roman Empire, trapped in a futile, desperate cycle of cruelty. Or maybe this is me running past Reygadas’ point at light speed.

Beyond my clumsy attempt at deciphering the text, does Post Tenebras Lux even have any worth as a movie? If you’re here for uplift, as suggested by the title (Latin for “After Darkness, Light), it’s in short supply. The jumbled timeline suggests that perhaps Juan’s near-death experience has softened him, but who knows how much of this is meant to be real. There is none of the immersive flow of Enter The Void; I had hoped to sink into a state of hypnotised pleasure like I did with Noé’s film, but that’s my problem. It has aesthetic merit but little emotional connection, and for much of its running time it’s an angry yell at human nature and the forces that distort our better selves; The Tree of Life stripped of Terrence Malick’s optimism, or his time-spanning vision, or his belief that love is the prime mover in our universe.

Maybe this is Reygadas’ riposte to Malick’s movie, removing the notes of redemption and replacing them with pessimism. If this is meant to be semi-autobiographical, then it’s depressing to see Reygadas so despairing that he negates himself, either through narrative death, mundane rebirth, or relentless flagellation. But being a bit of a downer is no mark against it, and it is so bold, so formally abstract, that it fascinated me. It might work for others, as long as the viewer is willing to meet it on its own terms. Post Tenebras Lux may not slide satisfyingly into place in the imagination like a linear narrative movie but the process of watching, unpacking, twisting and reshaping it until it almost fits into the mind is its own pleasure.

And as for its bleak message, maybe Juan does learn enough that he can save his children from losing their innocence. Maybe a cycle can be broken. After all, the final moment of the film belongs to a young rugby player stating clearly that it is teamwork that will allow them to win. The reflexive conflict at the heart of human interaction goes on, borne of our suppressed animal nature which either battles with the teachings of religion or supplements its divisive, negative elements, forcing us to resort to tribalism that can only enhance our detachment from our fellow man, but in the childlike belief in companionship and trust comes an end to the loneliness that blights everyone in the movie. Perhaps that was Reygadas’ ultimate message.

We Need To Talk (And Talk And Talk) About Oscar

Why am I doing this? There was once a time I would dazzle all those around me as I applied an almost precognitive talent for award prediction to numerous hastily organized Oscar ballots. Oh how I was feted, carried high on the shoulders of friends and enemies alike, given ambrosial liquor to sup on from jewel-encrusted golden goblets. They were glorious times, my friends, and those efforts were the stuff of legend. But since making my predictions via this blog, my hit rate has dropped into the low fuckalls. Once Shades of Caruso was described as “usually fairly reliable“. Well, not in terms of Oscar predictions. So why put myself through this ordeal again? Why humiliate myself when my former predictive talents as a modern-day Cassandra have suddenly and inexplicably morphed into those of just some random lass called Sandra?

To be honest it’s only to justify having sat through the combined clusterfuck-a-thon of War Horse, The Iron Lady and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close; three movies so wretched they should be investigated as hate crimes against my very soul. And yet here they are, given baffling nominational attention from the various elders who constitute the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. The anguish caused by this triumvirate of terribleness, and their baffling inclusion on the Oscar shortlist, is the fuel that powered this epic post, so if you get bored to extinction by the time you get halfway down the page, blame Stephen Daldry, Eric Roth, Abi Morgan, Phyllida Lloyd, Lee Hall and Richard Curtis (Spielberg gets a free pass for Tintin, which was aceballs).

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Who Will Win: George Clooney – The Descendants

Jean Dujardin may have been winning awards by smiling a smile that honestly looks like it could melt through steel like Superman’s heat vision, but I think the Academy members are ready to give Gorgeous George the big prize at last, mostly just to get it out of the way. There are worse things that could happen; though I’d be more than happy to see the thoroughly handsome Dujardin win and do a little tap-dance or something, Clooney was the best thing about The Descendants (other than Shailene Woodley, who was also very good). It’s odd to look at the mostly quiet work he does here, the way he balances light comedy and heavy tragedy, and think back to the way his performances were merely an amalgamation of irksome tics when he was on E.R. and not-massively-popular action extravaganza The Peacemaker. Now look at him. He’s really very good. And still handsome. An Oscar win here is no bad thing.

Who Should Win: Gary Oldman – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

But of these five candidates, surely it’s Oldman’s prize. He’s survived the fallow years caused — I’m sure — by appearances in two Luc Besson movies with only Airforce One and Lost in Space to separate them, and has proved cynics (such as myself) wrong time and again. By now even his shaky appearances in crap like Red Riding Hood are usually worth watching. It’s enough to make me think he will take over from Sir Anthony Hopkins in the Endlessly-Entertaining-Actor-Shaped extra chamber in my heart once the great Welshman has sadly entered the Odinsleep. Tinker Tailor was an impeccably performed movie; picking out individual acting highlights is hard, but pretty much every moment Oldman is onscreen, like a shade sucking all of the light from the room, it’s as if everyone else has faded into the awful period-appropriate wallpaper. His voicework in Kung Fu Panda 2 was good too. We take Oldman for granted; time we stopped doing that.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Michael Fassbender – Shame

Maybe it’s a good thing Fassbender didn’t get nominated. The outrage generated by that stupid-but-expected decision will power his career for a while longer as he comes to work on projects to be filed under the heading True Quality, as opposed to the gilded, establishment-approved version of art represented by the Academy’s often-mystifying choices. It also means that the inevitable dirty tricks campaign could dig up some pretty unpleasant stuff about Fassbender, and at this point in his career (or at any point, really) that’s not a good thing. Best he sits this one out until a year when a very driven producer doesn’t have a dog in this fight.

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Who Will Win: Christopher Plummer – Beginners

Beginners was a good enough movie, one that made it okay to like Ewan McGregor again, but without the storming performance from Plummer I think it would be forgotten fairly quickly. His energy levels here are remarkable, and make an average movie unmissable. Hopefully people won’t go on about how he’s bound to win because he plays a terminally ill gay man who finds a new lease of life in his final years, thus completing some kind of Oscar-Worthiness Bingo card. He deserves to win because he deserves to win. It’s that simple.

Who Should Win: Christopher Plummer – Beginners

Though a spanner was thrown into the works when Max Von Sydow got nominated as “The Renter” in Stephen Daldry and Eric Roth’s monumentally awful Extremely Insensitive and Incredibly Corny. The great man has been acting for nearly 700 years now and has never won an Oscar, so surely he’s due one. Hell, make it a retroactive award for The Virgin Spring. Despite this, and despite the fact that he’s the only good thing to come of Daldry and Roth’s wretched miasma of relentless sentiment, it has to be Plummer who wins this. He’s been cranking out great performances for the past few years (he should’ve won for The Insider, to be honest), and if he gets this, he’ll have a BEGOT (not just your Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony quadfecta, but also a Bafta as well). If you don’t want to root for such an achievement, please fill out the order form below to request a new, fully-functional soul.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Sir Ben Kingsley – Hugo

Lots of folks complained about the numerous snubs in this nomination list, with much of the justifiable frustration directed at the miserable lack of Albert Brooks, but I’ve only seen a couple of people point out that leaving Sir Ben off the list for his superb work in Hugo was an egregious omission. Maybe Best Supporting Actor is the wrong category, as Uncle Georges is arguably the protagonist of this movie, but there’s more room for him here than in the crowded Best Actor slot (ahem Jonah Hill ahem). Sir Ben is in the same category as Sir Anthony Hopkins; he’s usually the most interesting thing in whatever movie he appears in, and Hugo is no exception. If it works at all, it’s because of his skill in bringing to life the sweet-and-sour mystery at the heart of the film.

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Who Will Win: Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady

A horrible inevitability has descended upon this category. Many are talking up the relative lack of Oscars Meryl has received despite being in the list of top twenty most awesome people in the history of the world, and I’m sure many people are aggrieved that she didn’t win anything for her impersonation of Dan Aykroyd in Julie and Julia, but even so, the thought of her playing a real live actual person is just too much. The Academy must have written this winner on their scorecards without even seeing the movie. She truly embodied the pluck and lovability of Margaret Thatcher completely (i.e. it was correctly completely absent from the movie). Plus there was a lot of make-up on her face. The assorted critics of the Daily Telegraph plumped for Viola Davis en masse, but I still think this is Meryl’s to win.

Who Should Win: Michelle Williams – My Week With Marilyn

And it would be the worst crime of the night. Don’t get me wrong; I genuinely adore Meryl Streep. She might even be my favourite actor, if not vying for joint fave with Jeff Bridges. Nevertheless, the obnoxious fractured editing by Phyllida Lloyd — which is obviously meant to mirror Mrs. Thatcher’s current unfortunate medical situation — means the movie never settles down long enough for us to have any idea what Meryl’s performance is like. As I tweeted after the godawful mess finally came to a close, it feels like a 100 minute trailer for a 17-hour-long movie, mostly made up of stock footage. It makes W.E. look like a coherent film, which I thought would be impossible. The glimpses we get of Meryl in excelsis suggest she did good work but I honestly can’t attest to that. So I say it should have gone to Michelle Williams. Cheeky of me, as I haven’t seen My Week With Marilyn; I’m burned out on such things thanks to The King’s Speech. But MW was unfortunate to have given a performance of such brilliance in Blue Valentine in the same year that Natalie Portman brought her A-game in Black Swan. Williams deserves to unlock the Reversal of Fortune Achievement for that. (1000 Gamerpoints)

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Tilda Swinton – We Need To Talk About Kevin

What else do I need to say? Excise the horrible cartoonish display by the otherwise excellent Jessica Chastain in The Help, and put Tilda in where she belongs. She’s said she’s happy to avoid going to the ceremony, but what about her fans, who look forward too seeing her appear in white dresses before being described as “androgynous” by every fashion expert? An essential part of the award season is now sadly missing. Plus she was phenomenal in WNTTAK. That too.

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Who Will Win: Octavia Spencer – The Help

This was a movie that made me very uncomfortable, much as The Blind Side did a couple of years ago, but at least The Help had great performances (and not-so-great, Jessica Chastain and Bryce Dallas Howard) on its side. Octavia Spencer managed to out-act Viola Davis without having to do that snotty nose thing Davis does in so many movies; Davis even managed it again in Extremely Long and Incredibly Offensive, probably because she knew that disappointing us by not featuring it would have ruined hundreds of Extremely Twee and Incredibly Pretentious drinking games. This is another of the most predictable wins of the ceremony, and one I back almost 100%.

Who Should Win: Melissa McCarthy – Bridesmaids

Except that it would be so nice for a comedic performance to get an Oscar nod, and Melissa McCarthy’s much-loved work is the most likely possibility for many a year. Admittedly if she won over the other candidates there’s a possibility that in time she would be given the same treatment Marisa Tomei got when she won for My Cousin Vinny, but as someone who likes Marisa Tomei and My Cousin Vinny, and who has done a complete 180° on McCarthy now that I know she has more about her than was shown in Gilmore Girls (shudder), I’d back this win also. Not gonna happen, though.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Charlotte Gainsbourg – Melancholia

Fair to say that Uncle Lars’ Bedtime For Hitler storytelling at the Cannes Film Festival sank any chance that either Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg would get a nomination. I suspect the screeners for this sat unwatched on many an Academy member’s coffee table. A pity, as it was one of the highlights of the year. Gainsbourg was just as good in Antichrist, but maybe this kind of soul-baring work isn’t ever going to find favour with the assorted old white men who vote for these things. “Why, she’s just got the vapours,” they would say into their mug of restorative potions made from the tears of discarded Hollywood dreamers. “Just buy her an ironing board and be done with it.” And that, my friends, is why the Oscars mean jack shit.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year

What Will Win: Rango

Ha ha ha ha ha ha Cars 2 didn’t get nominated ha ha ha ha ha. Reap the merchandising whirlwind, Pixar, and thanks for pissing on your legacy (until your next incredible film comes along and makes me forgive you for temporarily misplacing your soul). Anyway, Rango was the frontrunner over a year ago and nothing has changed since.

What Should Win: Rango

Seriously, why are we even talking about this? Rango‘s a masterpiece. End of.

What Should Have Been Nominated: The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn

Of course, there was the amusing upset during the Golden Globes when Spielberg’s much-maligned performance-capture movie won the animation award, but then it didn’t get in here. There are lots of theories why, from “is it animation?” to “it’s not animation“, to “it wasn’t good enough”. Whatever the reason, its omission here is pretty bizarre, made all the worse by the nominations dropped into War Horse‘s trough. This vibrant, manic blast of imagination gets nothing while that risible failure gets a bunch of nods? Shocking. But it still wouldn’t deserve to win. Why? Because Rango. Like I just said a paragraph ago.

Achievement in Cinematography

Who Will Win: Robert Richardson – Hugo

I have a theory, for which I have absolutely no proof, that if the movie with the most nominations doesn’t win Best Picture, it will be given Best Cinematography as a consolation prize. The Artist might or might not not win many awards this year but I believe it’ll win Best Picture at the very least, which would leave Hugo wanting. As a result, I think Robert Richardson’s 3D cinematography will win out. Or Ludovic Bource will win for The Artist because he isn’t using that new-fangled technology? No, it’ll definitely be Richardson. Unless that lovely, clear, monochrome photography persuades the oldsters. ::is utterly undecided::

Who Should Win: Emmanuel Lubezki – The Tree of Life

If there is one word I could use to describe Malick’s meditation on cosmic gubbins and personal strife — other than pretentious, or powerful, or intricate, or unsubtle, or preposterous, or profound, or overlong, or ambitious, or breathtaking, etc. etc. — it would be luminous. Thanks to Emmanuel Lubezki’s work, this film glowed. It throbbed with the very life its titular tree is full of. Maybe it was just that we saw this on a good screen, brightly lit and digitally projected (a rarity nowadays), but it was so gloriously shot that I felt I was looking straight through a window into another world, or at least into the mind of Malick, and it was as beautiful a place as I had hoped.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Sean Bobbitt – Shame

In the past Bobbitt filmed a lot of Ye Olde Worlde settings for some of the seemingly infinite number of period adaptations made by the BBC, so it must have been a nice change for him to capture the most memorable images of New York in recent memory. Not that that mattered to the Academy, who don’t care about his ability to paint the city with terrifying reds, soft golds, and rainy greys. All they think is, “But he pointed the camera at a dong”, and that’s your lot. Sorry Sean. Maybe some day you’ll make a movie set during the first quarter of the 20th Century and the Academy members will be falling out of their bath chairs to give you a nod. Fingers crossed, eh?

Achievement in Art Direction

Who Will Win: Laurence Bennett and Robert Gould - The Artist

It’s in these technical categories that the two love letters to silent cinema will fight their most fraught battles, where the majority winner will be decided. As a result it’s hard to deduct who will win using my usual scientific rigour. Instead I have to rely on guesswork, and the thought that last year the Weinsteins managed to strongarm the Academy into giving Tom Hooper — TOM HOOPER — the award for Best Director. I’m sure Harvey has been going door-to-door this year, telling more anecdotes about how clever he was to acquire the rights to this, buying bunches of grapes for the voters and promising to give them back-rubs and what-not. Even though half of my brain is convinced the voters will be more charmed by the charming charming super super charming charm of Hugo (an excellent read, that), I think Harvey’s carpet-bombing techniques will win again. Plus the art direction on The Artist was very nice.

Who Should Win: Dante Ferretti and Francesca Lo Schiavo - Hugo

That said, the art direction on Hugo was even better. Dante Ferretti’s collaborations with Scorsese are always a feast for the eyes and his interpretation of what a semi-fantastical Parisian railway station would look like — with toy shops, overstocked bookshops and clockwork labyrinths included — is some of the best work he’s done. Plus he’s on a roll, having won his last two nominations for Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street and The Aviator. So I could well be wrong here.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Maria Djurkovic, Tom Brown and Zsuzsa Kismarty-Lechner – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Friend-of-the-blog Beggar So’s Hat wisely noted that the shockingly grim production design of this was horribly snubbed. I hadn’t even noticed that. I think I tried to blot the miserable look of the film from my brain rather than be reminded once more of the horrors within. It made me think of my childhood, which now feels like it happened in the 50s and not the 70s like it actually was. It’s as if England was frozen in time for fifty years, and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was just a snapshot of that. Which is to say, Mr. Hat was right. The production design on TTSS was worthy of many awards, especially this one, but also Grimmest Evocation of the Cigarette-Smoke-Stained Dilapidation of 20th Century Britain.

Achievement in Costume Design

Who Will Win: Mark Bridges – The Artist

Again, it’s all down to who will be the overall winner. If it’s going to be The Artist I have to go all in and give it to Mr. Bridges…

Who Should Win: Sandy Powell – Hugo

…while thinking that Sandy Powell’s work is more deserving. By now I must seem like a guy who hated The Artist, but I didn’t. I adored it. Hugo was the movie that left me cold, even though it’s obviously a thing of great precision, as intricate and lovely as the clockwork contraptions that litter it. But all that effort from Scorsese was futilely expended trying to shift the enormous rock that is my heart, and it wasn’t going to work. ::hands in film buff card::

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Eiko Ishioka – Immortals

Nevertheless, that’s not as big a crime as neglecting Eiko Ishioka’s brain-maddening work which so dominated Tarsem’s latest empty trinket. It’s especially frustrating as the world is now bereft of her singular genius. Creating works of art for ill-received genre movies directed by someone with… shall we say, a questionable grasp of narrative… means her work wasn’t really seen enough. When we see Mirror, Mirror later this year, it’ll be a bittersweet experience. And not just because it’ll almost certainly be desperately boring crap. #Uncharitable

Best Documentary Feature

What Will Win: Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory

As usual I haven’t seen any documentaries this year, not even depressing ones about how the economy is about to explode with the force of a million megaprolapses, so I can’t really talk with any authority here, but I’d wager Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky will get the nod for campaigning successfully for the West Memphis Three. Unless the Academy is still mad at Berlinger for Blair Witch 2, which is understandable.

What Should Win: IDK SMDH

As I can’t say anything authoritative here, I’ll keep my fat mouth shut.

What Should Have Been Nominated: Tabloid

Yep, I didn’t even see Senna, the most critically acclaimed documentary of the year, but everyone I know who has seen it adores it. Nevertheless, I would’ve loved to have seen Errol Morris’ crazily entertaining Tabloid get some recognition. Perhaps because it’s so much fun it never stood a chance of getting any Oscar love; that old “comedy is too frivolous to be worthy of recognition” thing again. Which is a shame, because I’d say Tabloid has some pretty hefty points to make about news cycles, journalistic arrogance and human venality. It just also happens to be very amusing while it makes those points.

Best Documentary Short Subject

What Will Win: God Is The Bigger Elvis

Best Animated Short Film

What Will Win: La Luna

Best Live Action Short Film

What Will Win: The Shore

Okay, I’ll come clean. I haven’t got a clue about any of the nominees in any of the three categories clustered here, as was the case last year, so I’m just going to pick for the stupidest reasons. I just read about God Is The Bigger Elvis a few hours ago, La Luna because I like the name of the director (Enrico Casarosa), and The Shore because it’s made by Terry and Oorlagh George, and I always get annoyed that I confuse Terry George and Terry Southern even though their surnames and careers are completely different so I guess that’s an omen or something. Sorry to all of the nominees in these categories; I should give you respect, and instead I give you this excrement-soaked corsage. You deserve so much better.

Achievement in Film Editing

Who Will Win: Thelma Schoonmaker – Hugo

It’s arguable that Hugo was a bit slack, to be honest, and could have done with a bit of tidying up, but you’re a fool if you bet against Schoonmaker, who has won three of the six Academy Awards she has previously been nominated for (can you believe she didn’t win for Goodfellas? WT actual F?).

Who Should Win: Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall – The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

As I said last year, David Fincher’s editing team on The Social Network did a fantastic job of wrestling a ton of footage and talking to the ground and making it work as a narrative. they’re here again with a movie that’s less talky but just as complex (if not more so) than that. Dragon Tattoo may not have blown my socks off the way Fincher’s best work does, but it’s a great thriller, perfectly paced and seemingly effortlessly compelling. Baxter and Wall deserve this win twice over now.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Paul Hirsch – Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol / Hank Corwin, Jay Rabinowitz, Daniel Rezende, Billy Weber and Mark Yoshikawa – The Tree of Life / Joe Bini – We Need To Talk About Kevin

Quick run through of my reasons here. 1) The best action movie of the year deserves a nod, especially when the action scenes are so clearly drawn and beautifully constructed. It was a joy to watch, and much of that was down to veteran Hirsch’s command of the AVID. 2) A team of five head editors wrestling with what was probably 65,000,000 miles of footage featuring kids running down alleys or Brad Pitt standing on a lawn, and in the end we get an impressionistic collage of mood and image as powerful as this? I may complain that Hugo was slack but any flabbiness here was probably intentional. The longueurs are as important as the moments of emotion, and the superb judgement of this team — and Malick — will probably become more apparent with each rewatch. 3) It’s as if Nicolas Roeg is making major motion pictures again, and Bini is as important as Lynne Ramsay in creating a fractured but exhaustingly scary like Kevin. Again, a major omission for this exceptional artistic accomplishment.

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year

What Will Win: A Separation

Of course the Academy has a talent for arsing this category up, which could be good news for Agnieszka Holland — I’d think of it as an award given in honour of her stunning Treme pilot; one of the best episodes of TV ever made – but honestly, how on earth could anything beat Asghar Farhadi’s magnificent family drama? I would’ve like to have seen it do a Crouching Tiger and get a Best Picture nomination as well, it’s that good (yes, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was nominated for both Best Foreign Language Film and Best Picture, a fact that seems to elude many professional Oscar prognosticators each year).

What Should Win: A Separation

Time spent thinking about this masterpiece since seeing it right at the end of last year has made it seem even more profound, even more exciting. I may not have seen any of the other films nominated here but still it seems only right that this wins.

What Should Have Been Nominated: The Skin I Live In

To be honest, though I enjoyed Pedro Almodovar’s macabre thriller, it still left me a little cold. I’m sure there’s some arcane reason why this wasn’t included (that’s usually the case; did Spain even offer it as a nominee?), but if that’s not the case then I guess its omission here is pretty surprising. Other than that, the majority of the foreign language movies I saw last year just weren’t good enough to warrant inclusion here. Even Peter Chan’s Wu Xia — a film which made it onto my best-of-2011 list — would seem out of place. The closest thing I can think of for inclusion would be Andrea Molaioli’s Il Gioiellino, the fictionalised dramatisation of the Parmalat fraud scandal, but even that’s too dry to really pass muster. ::shrug::

Achievement in Makeup

Who Will Win: Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland – The Iron Lady

I almost feel like I’m saying this because it had the most make-up, mostly on Meryl’s chin for Thatcher’s later years…

Who Should Win: Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland – The Iron Lady

…but as Daisyhellcakes said when we tried to stay awake during this possibly endless collision of stock footage and poorly shot comedic shenanigans, “That’s a really convincing wattle”. And she’s right. It’s a really convincing wattle.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Contagion

The most startling physical transformation of the year was a digital effect; the enfeeblenising of Chris Evans in the first third of Captain America: The First Avenger is a baffling, seamless effect that convinces so completely that post-super-serum Evans looks somehow more wrong than the wimp. I’m tempted to say this should have been nominated just for the wicked Red Skull make-up on Hugo Weaving, but I think Contagion may be a more worthy nominee, for the nasty sweaty death pallor on the victims of MEV-1, Jude Law’s pasty face and rotten tooth, and one very fun autopsy scene.

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Score)

Who Will Win: Howard Shore – Hugo

I can’t actually remember a single note of it, even though I’m a big fan of Mr. Shore (his score for A Dangerous Method was particularly lovely; he does his best work for Maestro Cronenberg), but I doubt either of Williams’ scores will win (vote splitting), and there’s the possibility that Kim Novak really does have some insider information about how the soundtrack to The Artist did something unspeakable and illegal to Bernard Hermann’s Vertigo score. That leaves Shore’s score.

Who Should Win: Alberto Iglesias - Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Of course, this wonderful score by Alberto Iglesias should be the frontrunner here for anyone who has ears. It’s an absolute corker, sinister and peppered with smokey-jazz moments; perfect for the film and powerful in its own right. And yes, I know this won’t be a consideration for the Academy, but the inclusion of this great, nerd-funky version of La Mer just shows how much care was put into the music. It’s such a great choice for the scene it accompanies that I did a joy-pirouette without leaving my super-comfy Odeon-Swiss-Cottage seat.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Michael Giacchino – Super 8

My favourite soundtrack of last year was Cecile Corbel’s delicate score for Arrietty, but as the movie wasn’t released in the US until this year, it wasn’t eligible. I’d like to say Hans Zimmer’s score for Rango should’ve got in, but considering the fuss over Ludovic Bource’s The Artist soundtrack, Zimmer’s re-appropriation of The Blue Danube and Ride of the Valkyries — not to mention similarities with Carter Burwell’s Raising Arizona score — mean it’s better off out of it. Giacchino’s Super 8 score managed to conjure up memories of some of John Williams’ work with Spielberg while remaining recognisably his own work. It might not be the best thing he’s done, but it played an important part in conjuring up the air of nostalgia that made J.J. Abrams’ homage work.

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song)

What Will Win: Man or Muppet (Bret McKenzie) – The Muppets

I’ve not heard the Rio song, but is there any doubt?

What Should Win: Man or Muppet (Bret McKenzie) – The Muppets

It’s just what a musical number should be. It’s thematically relevant, perfectly judged on a tonal level, it signals a big plot moment, it’s full of clever lyrical tricks, and it’s a proper showstopping earworm. It brought the house down at the BFI a month ago and I reckon this happens everywhere this movie plays. Is this the most assured winner of the night?

What Should Have Been Nominated: Star Spangled Man (Alan Menken / David Zippel) – Captain America: The First Avenger

Still, the feeble number of nominees here means there’s no real reason why Menken and Zippel’s entertaining pastiche of WWII propaganda songs didn’t get a nod. It’s not as good as Bret McKenzie’s song, but it’s still a witty and catchy tune. I guess the Academy members didn’t want to be reminded of the war that took place during their middle age. Yeah, I went there!

Achievement in Sound Editing

Who Will Win: Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom – War Horse

It might be a load of old chuff but I think War Horse will get at least one Oscar just because Spielberg and the rest strained so damn hard to make something timeless and noble that I bet someone will feel sorry for him. That’s not to say the work of Hymns and Rydstrom isn’t worthy of an award. The movie has a wide array of excellent whinnies, clip-clops, and gunfire.

Who Should Win: Ren Klyce – The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Normally I’d pick Transformers: Dark of the Moon for two reasons: 1) to annoy everyone by continuing to not crap all over Bay’s carnage-laden doomfuck, and 2) because there were about one zillion sound effects in this movie, and I’m sure there was a small army of sound recorders trying to find the material for this movie’s sonic tapestry of boom. Nevertheless, I’ll pick Ren Klyce’s work on Fincher’s bleak midwinter tale for two different reasons: 1) I always tend to pick Ren Klyce because Ren Klyce is ace, and 2) the sound of Lisbeth Salander’s steel-toed boot clanging noisily against a very large metallic anus-seeking dildo has haunted me for two months. That counts for something.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Oliver Tarney and Mark Taylor – Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

My two picks here (Nicholas Becker for Andrea Arnold’s glorious Wuthering Heights and Koji Kasamatsu for Arrietty) are again not eligible because of US release dates. Instead I’ll pick the team behind the sound effects in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. There’s some lovely work done during the action scenes, but also the thrum of Victorian London is captured as well as in the first movie, which was also deserving of a nomination.

Achievement in Sound Mixing

Who Will Win: Tom Fleischman and John Midgley – Hugo

Big noisy setpieces in a train station where every individual, important noise is clearly picked out? It’s a lock.

Who Should Win: Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey J. Haboush and Peter J. Devlin – Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The soundscapes of Michael Bay’s noisiest movies are widely loathed as merely a wash of explosions and screaming, but when blasted at with a good THX sound-system, it’s likely that the volume will deafen you to the amount of intricate work done here. It’s not just queueing up a bunch of banging and sticking it all in a blender; there’s more layering of sound than you’d think. Then again, I’ve always been a fan of percussion, so I’m more likely to enjoy an extended drum solo than the finely-picked notes of a symphony. Make of that what you will.

What Should Have Been Nominated: Peter Miller, Adam Kopald, J.R. Grubbs and Addison Teague - Rango

Among the many joys of this astounding triumph of animation is the lovely audio track, evoking the eerie silences of Sergio Leone’s classics while changing gears for some huge, complicated action scenes. Truly a feast for the ears as well as the eyes.

Achievement in Visual Effects

Who Will Win: Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White and Daniel Barrett - Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I’m tempted to say Hugo will win this too, but the furore over Andy Serkis’ performance and the technology used to capture it means this might have a shot, as a sop to the campaigners.

Who Should Win: Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler and John Frazier - Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Once more I’m picking complexity and logistical madness over subtlety or beauty, but the scale of the FX work in this movie is simply breathtaking. It’s also seamlessly integrated with reality; you’ll really believe Chicago had its arse kicked by robotic dickwads. The only caveat here is that they’re not really breaking new ground; we’ve seen this kind of thing before, just not on this scale. Nevertheless, my eyes boggled at the monumental mechanical madness, and I really appreciate that.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Douglas Trumbull, Dan Glass, Peter and Chris Parks – The Tree of Life

What a lovely welcome back for the legendary Doug Trumbull; a snub by his peers that probably would have stung if he had even noticed them, bearing in mind he is a colossus who bestrides the discipline of visual effects and probably thinks Digital Domain is little more than an interesting ant-farm. Bear in mind, this is a man who, while everyone else in the FX business was learning how to use a mouse, was either working on IMAX and Showscan technologies or trying to fix the BP oil-spill. Does he need an Oscar? If the FX industry members of the Academy can’t find it in their hearts to give this visionary the award he deserves, he can get over the insignificant pain by inventing another world-changing doohickey. Trumbull does not need your baubles.

Adapted Screenplay

Who Will Win: Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash – The Descendants

Hugo should win this considering the overwhelming critical praise for it in the US, but I have a feeling the sentimental Academy members will be more drawn to The Descendants, which is a very writerly movie with big dramatic beats, terminally ill people, confrontations that play out in unexpected ways, and speeches that run on for perhaps a bit too long. It also has a terrible voiceover in the first half of the movie that should make invalidate it, but I doubt that that’s a dealbreaker. Or maybe this is just wishful thinking because I want to see Dean Pelton win an Oscar? If so, can Magnitude come on stage for a celebratory “Pop pop!“?

Who Should Win: Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Much as I enjoyed Moneyball, mostly because Sorkin’s worst excesses were curtailed by the low-key performances and direction, I don’t think it’s the best script here. I also don’t think that honour belongs to The Ides of March; yet another Clooney / Heslov disappointment that feels four drafts away from completion. Surely Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is the only logical choice here. It’s a labyrinth of words and actions and information but there’s emotion here, real aching pain. It’s a magnificent achievement.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Christopher Hampton – A Dangerous Method

As is Christopher Hampton’s expansion of his play The Talking Cure. Its absorption and translation of the ideas and theories of Freud, Jung and Spielrein into dramatic forms is breathtaking, made all the more memorable for its puckish wit and satisfying emotional charge. Though I’d resigned myself to seeing this underrated movie get little Oscar love I held out hope for this screenplay as the sole nominee, but no. What a pity.

Original Screenplay

Who Will Win: Woody Allen – Midnight in Paris

Remember all those days ago when The Artist won the Bafta for best screenplay and amateur comedians and film critics said, “How can it win best screenplay when there’s no words in it duhhhhh duuuuuuh a-duuuuuhhhhhhh?” Well I guess that won’t happen here, but only because the truly sentimental choice is to give Woody another Oscar for his latest self-indulgent wallow in nostalgia. Usually that yearning for simpler times is a subtext to his usual light middle-class semi-intellectual drama, but here it’s right at the fore-front. Who was the Twitter wag who said that this movie was like Woody’s “Things I like” list made celluloid flesh? Because well done, that person, you got it in one.

Who Should Win: Asghar Farhadi – A Separation

That victory for a second-rate script would be a crime when Asghar Farhadi’s brilliantly constructed, humane, intelligent, complex, multi-faceted screenplay has also been given a nod. In a perfect world this would’ve been the only nominee. If ever anyone asks me what screenplay I would pick as an example of brilliant screenwriting, I’ll pick George Gallo’s script for Midnight Run. If they couldn’t find that, I’ll pick this.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Kenneth Lonergan – Margaret / Scott Z. Burns – Contagion

That said, I would’ve liked it if Kenneth Lonergan had received any kind of recognition for his notorious movie, but I guess there was no chance of that happening with the lawsuits flying back and forth like flaming buzzards of doom. Also, we’ve not even seen the full movie; I long for the director’s cut of this challenging and audacious movie. I also would’ve liked it if Scott Z. Burns got nominated for Contagion, but that’s because I’m a big Scott Z. Burns fan and I think he’s great so there.

Achievement in Directing

Who Will Win: Martin Scorsese – Hugo

Okay, hear me out. Yes, I think The Artist will win Best Picture. Yes, I know that Michel Hazanavicius won the Director’s Guild Outstanding Directorial Achievement in Feature Film Award, and that’s usually a pretty reliable marker of who will win the Academy Award, but I think Scorsese has played a blinder here; making a homage to the birth of cinema, eoo-goog-alising one of the earliest pioneers of the medium, and passionately campaigning for the virtues of film preservation within the film itself. A pretty ballsy move, to turn a children’s movie into a two-hour lecture about archiving and storage technology. The Artist might be a love letter to silent cinema, but Hugo is a billet-doux attached to a heart-shaped box of chocolate cherries with a bit of sexy lingerie hidden under the crepe-paper tray. There’s no way the assorted dodecagenarians of the Academy will be able to resist giving Scorsese his second director’s gong for this.

Who Should Win: Terrence Malick – The Tree of Life

Even though I really loved The Artist (I did! Honest!), and thought Scorsese did a good job of methodically stripped the magic from his children’s film by the time the final reel arrived just so he could prove a point, this category belongs to Malick. Alexander Payne served up a curiously listless dramedy, and Woody Allen woke up for a little while; not really work worth lauding. But Malick’s bold vision was even more daring than his usual work, happily comparing the travails of a family to the beginning and end of life. What brass balls. It’s the best thing he’s done since Days of Heaven, and more than deserving of some Oscar love. If they don’t do it now, they’ll only regret it in future when he suddenly starts making action movies starring Channing Tatum (mark my words, this will happen).

Who Should Have Been Nominated: David Cronenberg – A Dangerous Method

The great man can’t win. When he makes a genre movie — albeit a genre movie with an intellectual ambition that dwarfs almost everything else around — clueless critics proclaim that he’s little more than a provocateur debasing his better instincts. When he makes a movie that’s sober and thought-provoking, everyone whines that there’s not enough parasites or inappropriate vaginal images in it. So when he makes something as crystalline as this, so perfectly hewn and formally precise, critics say it’s too dry. “It’s too dry,” they say, drawing attention to what they think is an excessive dryness. Seriously, that’s all anyone could say. Well bollocks to that. It’s exactly what it needs to be, and Cronenberg is the only filmmaker in the world smart enough to get that right. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; one day critical opinion will swing back Cronenberg’s way. Sadly, not before voting ended.

Best Motion Picture of the Year

What Will Win: The Artist

Critical mass has been reached for The Artist. I don’t think anyone on the planet expects another movie to win, except Stephen Daldry, probably; a conclusion I’ve reached after enduring Extremely Bad And Just Generally Incredibly Incredibly Dire And Awful Jesus What A Stinker, which seems to have been directed by someone who has absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever. I was tempted to predict a Hugo surprise here, but I think we all know that’s not happening. Harvey Weinstein has been prowling the streets of Hollywood like a cross between Batman, Wilson Fisk and P.T. Barnum, pimping out that movie for all he’s worth. It’s a foregone conclusion.

What Should Win: The Artist

And I’m absolutely fine with that. Not just because it’s the best movie of the nine nominees, but because I still think so fondly of it a victory in this category would make my night. I’m sure in time the numerous haters will multiply like mogwai under a waterfall, but for now a big win would almost feel like an extension of the movie’s deliriously happy vibe. Like a 4D experience for its fans. Plus it’s a last chance to see Jean Dujardin charm us with another impromptu dance. Vous dansez comme un nuage enthousiaste, vous bel homme!

What Should Have Been Nominated: Take Shelter / A Dangerous Method

If that vile… vile… thing with the obnoxiously precious title can get nominated, then surely anything can. Two of my favourites of last year are more than good enough to get in here, usurping Daldry’s slimy ode to sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-McSweeney’s-style precocity and Spielberg’s admittedly hilarious and Dadaesque World War One comedy The Adventures of War Horse: The Siren-Centaur Hybrid of Death, not to mention The (Wonderful Way White People) Help(ed Those Relatively Unimportant Black Folks). Put these two brilliant movies in there, dammit, and why not add Fast Five while you’re at it. That movie was better than at least seven, arguably eight of the movies in that list, even if only for the moment when The Rock and Vin Diesel crash through a wall during a fight. Better than Malick’s dinosaurs, I reckon.

That”s enough making a fool of myself in front of the entire internet. See you on the other side of the award ceremony, and what will likely be a really cozy opening monologue from Billy Crystal featuring at least one — maybe five — jokes about the lacklustre box office takings of Mr. Saturday Night. Mazel tov!

Listmania ’11! Miscellaneous Movie Observations: Part Four

Finishing this in February feels so wrong it’s almost right. By now I’ve actually seen movies released in 2012 and I’m still posting about last year (the movies from this year being The Muppets, which the UK got obscenely late, and Chronicle, which is fantastic stuff and well worth a watch). The Oscar nominations have also been announced, with the deeply-average The Descendants and the deeply-awful War Horse getting a few nods while Fassbender, Swinton and Brooks are snubbed. Disgusting. If ever proof was needed that the Academy doesn’t know what the hell it’s doing.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll have a whine about that before the award ceremony, so without any further ado, let’s end Listmania! with a bang. The only other posts that have taken me this long were my Lost finale posts, which took three months to write. This only took a month and a half, so I’m getting better at this. If you’re a fan of pointless miscellania, you’ve come to the right place.

Best Movies I Saw In 2010 That Were Released More Generally In 2011Black Swan13 Assassins, Archipelago, Amigo, Meek’s CutoffSubmarine

Best Scene: Rango walks through the desert during a crisis of confidence (Rango)

Honorable Mentions:

Tom Cruise climbs up the side of the Burj Khalifa (Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol)

Matthew Broderick attempts to teach a class of precocious kids about King Lear and it doesn’t go well (Margaret)

Michael Shannon and his family attend a meal with their fellow townsfolk and it doesn’t go well (Take Shelter)

Jung tries to tell his new buddy Freud about synchronicity and it doesn’t go well (A Dangerous Method)

Kristin Wiig gets drunk on a plane and it doesn’t go well (Bridesmaids)

Best Action Scene: Tintin and Captain Haddock chase a hawk through the streets of Bagghar (The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn)

Honorable Mentions:

The final physics-mangling car chase in Rio De Janeiro, including some serious hardcore badassery from The Rock and Vin Diesel (Fast Five)

The longest and most explosives-packed train in the history of the world crashes for a long time (Super 8)

The Revolutionary Army of Apedom makes a break for freedom through San Francisco (Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

Alex Pettyfer, Teresa Palmer and a big alien dog wreck a high school using telekinesis and big lasers (I Am Number Four)

Guy Ritchie goes crazy with ramping and cameras attached to people running and all sorts of tricks in a forest (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)

Best Hero: Caesar – Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Honorable Mentions:

Captain America – Captain America: The First Avenger

Thor – Thor

Moses – Attack The Block

The Driver – Drive

Rango – Rango

Best Villain: Loki – Thor

Honorable Mentions:

Bernie Rose - Drive

Society’s indifferent or vexed reaction to those unfortunate enough to be afflicted with mental illness – Melancholia

The oppressive horror of modern life – Take Shelter

Rattlesnake Jake – Rango

Chris Cleek – The Woman

Best Couple: David Norris and Elise Sellas (Matt Damon and Emily Blunt) – The Adjustment Bureau

Worst Couple: Emma and Adam (Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher) – No Strings Attached

Most Doomed Couple(s) of the Year: Justine and Michael and Claire and John (Kirsten Dunst, Alexander Sarsgaard, Charlotte Gainsbourg and Keifer Sutherland) - Melancholia

“I Hope These Guys Make It” Couple Of The Year: Russell and Glen (Tom Cullen and Chris New) – Weekend

“Please Bite Them And Get It Over With, Evil Colin Farrell” Couple of the Year: Charley Brewster and Amy Peterson (Anton Yelchin and Imogen Poots) – Fright Night

“Okay, I Really Don’t Think He Should Be Attracting These Improbably Hot High School Hotties In These Movies, What With Looking Like A Surly Child Half The Time” Couple of the Year: Porter and Norah (Anton Yelchin and Jennifer Lawrence) – The Beaver

Greatest Disparity In Energy Levels Between Partners of the Year: Hal Jordan and Carol Ferris (Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively) – Green Lantern

Most Improbable Couple of the Year: Ernesto Botta and Laura Aliprandi (Toni Servillo and Sarah Felberbaum) – The Jewel

“Only In The Movies” Adorable and Romantic Couple of the Year: George Valentin and Peppy Miller (Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo) - The Artist

“Only In The Movies” Twee Asshole Couple of the Year: Enoch and Annabel (Henry Hopper and Mia Wasikowska) – Restless

“Rather Raunchy For A PG-13 Movie, Eh What?” Couple of the Year: Ren McCormack and Ariel Moore (Kenny Wormald and Julianne Hough) – Footloose

Most Adorable Fuckbuddies of the Year: Dylan Harper and Jamie Rellis (Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis) – Friends With Benefits

Most Inappropriate Couple of the Year: Robert Ledgard and Vera Cruz (Antonio Banderas and Elena Anaya) – The Skin I Live In

Worst Love Triangle of the Year: Bella Swan, Edward Cullen and Jacob Black (Kristin Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner) – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One for the third year running

Best Love Triangle of the Year: Brian O’Conner, Dominic Toretto and Luke Hobbs (Paul Walker, Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson) – Fast Five

Most Satisfying Finale: The Artist

Honorable Mentions:

Attack The Block

Melancholia

Real Steel

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Arriety

Best Finale in a Bad Movie: You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger

Least Satisfying Finale: Green Lantern

Dishonorable Mentions:

The Adjustment Bureau

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Blitz

In Time

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Worst Finale in a Good Movie: Source Code

Badass of the Year: Lisbeth Salander – The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Best Double Act: Tucker and Dale (Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine) - Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Worst Hero: D’Artagnan – The Three Musketeers

Dishonorable Mentions:

Hal Jordan - Green Lantern

Mater – Cars 2

Theseus – Immortals

Joey the Super-Special Horsey – War Horse

Dagny Taggart – Atlas Shrugged: Part I

Worst Villain: Karl Hendricks – Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Dishonorable Mentions:

The concept of generosity – Atlas Shrugged Part I

Hector Hammond – Green Lantern

The Red Skull – Captain America: The First Avenger

That sinful sexuality in any form it’s SO SINFUL – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One

Blackbeard – Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Most Likeable Cast: Thor

Least Likeable Cast: Blubberella

Most Annoying Character of the Year: Sid – The Descendants

Dishonorable Mentions:

Moberg - The Rum Diary

Kate Reddy – I Don’t Know How She Does It

Dexter – One Day

Sean Cassidy (aka Banshee) – X-Men: First Class

Homer Yannos – Tomorrow, When The War Began

Best Live Action Animal: Uggie The Dog – The Artist

Best Animated Animal: Snowy – The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn

Best Trailer: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Honorable Mention: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Best PosterThe Tree of Life

Worst PosterHall Pass

Limited Edition Poster I Wish Had Been UsedThis superb retro Captain America: The First Avenger poster by Paolo Rivera

Most Profound PosterShame

No photo of it will do it justice, but the poster for Shame that we saw outside the London Film Festival screening had a reflective surface, but with the word “Shame” printed at the bottom. Because the movie speaks for all of us who have shame, do you see? Something to think about.

Most Misleading and Tonally Inaccurate Poster: We Need To Talk About Kevin

Nicest Photography In A Headshot PosterMartha Marcy May Marlene

Most Defiantly Wrongly-Angled-By-90° Poster of the YearSuper 8

Most Fucked-Up / Desperately Controversial Poster of All TimeThe Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Most Out-Of-Control Trend In Posters: Character variants (::deep breath:: The Adjustment Bureau; Arthur Christmas; Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked; Bridesmaids; Cars 2; Conan the Barbarian; Contagion; Cowboys and Aliens; Crazy, Stupid, Love; Drive; Footloose; Friends With Benefits, Fright Night, Gnomeo and Juliet; The Green Hornet; Green Lantern; Hall Pass, The Hangover Part Two; Happy Feet Two; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two: Hop; Horrible Bosses; Hugo; Immortals; In Time; Johnny English Reborn; Killer Elite; Kill The Irishman; Mars Needs Moms; Margin Call; Martha Marcy May Marlene; Melancholia [!!!!!]; Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol; The Muppets; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides; Priest; Puss in Boots; Real Steel; Red State; Rio; Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows; The Smurfs; Snow Flower and the Secret Fan; Spy Kids 4: All The Time In The World; Straw Dogs; Sucker Punch; Super; 30 Minutes or Less; Thor; The Three Musketeers; Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy; Tower Heist; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas; Warrior; Water For Elephants; Winnie The Pooh; X-Men: First Class; Your Highness; The Zookeeper)

How many of these posters ever make it into cinemas? How many of them convince people to go and see these movies? Do casual cinemagoers see any of these and think, “Well, I wasn’t going to see Green Lantern but now that I know Tomar-Re is in it I’m IN”? Will people really be excited at the array of not-really-that-well-known actresses in the cast of Bridesmaids before they see how funny they all are (scroll down for the full selection)? Do we really need 31 posters for The Three Musketeers? Do we need more than one poster for Melancholia? It’s not harming anyone, obviously, but it still seems like a waste of resources. If anyone can explain why we need so many variants, please let me know.

Best Publicity Campaign: Paranormal Activity 3

Usually SoC likes to praise a publicity campaign that successfully promotes a tough sell, but this year I have to give huge props to the makers of Paranormal Activity 3 for doing something that should’ve been done a long time ago. However, to do that I have to spoil, so please consider all of the text between these two scary-as-fuck trailers a huge spoiler for PA3‘s best trick.

I won’t lie. That first trailer for this franchise scared the absolute shit out of me when I first saw it, and it deserves some credit for making even this cynic forget about the overwhelming familiarity of the Paranormal Activity template and vow to see the third one as soon as it came out. In that sense, job done. However, what’s really great is that that scene doesn’t happen in the movie, and neither do almost all of the biggest shock moments in the trailer below.

Seeing that at home and getting annoyed at all of the spoilers is one thing; I switched it off halfway through as I was horrified at the amount of spoilage. But if you’re in a cinema and can’t escape, you’re going to absorb all of that information, and more than likely you’re still going to see it (because these movies make money hand-over-fist without even breaking a sweat). And yet all of that stuff you’re expecting won’t happen. Instead you’ll get a bunch of other scary stuff. And even better? You still got scared by those trailers, as if you’re watching a very very short horror movie for free. I’ve waited for a long time to see this done so well. The movie was okay too. That’s a bingo, I reckon.

Worst Publicity Campaign: X-Men: First Class / Green Lantern

Nerds are hard to please; I know because I am one. Thor and Captain America did a mostly good job of introducing two less well-known characters, with the non-mainstream Thor making $450m worldwide and the super-patriotic Cap overcoming some of the anti-American prejudice that could’ve prevented it making any money at all ($370m’s okay. Green Lantern wishes it made that much). If they’re an example of how to do it right, the other two big superhero releases of the year show how to do it wrong, thus squandering all of the nerd energy they needed to stay alive.

Each campaign commits a different crime that has the same result; underwhelming box office. X-Men: First Class‘ promotional crime was to destroy a lot of good will towards a franchise that desperately needed it, even more than the previous X-Men movie did. Wolverine should have killed X-Men dead but Fox wasn’t going to let the franchise go to waste when it could release yet another movie and maybe resurrect it for another few sequels. A lot of good decisions were made regarding casting and crew choices, but all of that was hobbled by some terrible promotional errors.

One was to have the only convention appearance take place at the inaugural London Comic-Con, with an appearance by co-writers Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz. Other than that, the production and release schedule meant they unfortunately missed out on those opportunities, and had to rely on trailers and posters. While all of the trailers are good enough, if a little calm, the first leaked picture of the cast was a disaster. Even worse were the posters: the ones above were two separate teasers, with little heads gestating inside shadowmen; the one below is an advert for X-Men-themed bobbleheads. I can’t understand why someone would sign off on it.

Only one of the posters was any good, but if you look at the bottom of the page you’ll see even more awful examples, including some shocking Japanese ones. XM:FC was considered enough of a success to warrant a sequel (it made less than Cap and cost a bit more, but it’s not a dramatic difference), but that success was only because of the (bafflingly) good reviews and the fact that it had the weekend to itself. Though it’s not a representative sample, there were a number of X-Men fans of my acquaintance who were burned out on the franchise after Wolverine and even the raves for this couldn’t persuade them. Who knows what that opening weekend would have looked like if Fox had done a better job of getting my nerd brethren off their sofas?

Warner Bros., on the other hand, couldn’t do anything to get anyone into the cinema to see Green Lantern. I only went because I try to see as many films as possible, and we’re talking about my favourite superhero of all time here. To be fair to the folks responsible for promoting GL, they were dealing with a (relatively) obscure character with a mythology that’s hard to explain in posters and short trailers, plus it was saddled with a cast and team of writers that didn’t excite the fans either, so they were trying to ice-skate uphill from the start. The posters were okay, I guess. They were nice and colourful enough, though that fucking stupid mask really doesn’t help.

The mainstream audience doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds or Blake Lively enough to take a risk on a movie that looks like the adventures of a rubber-bodied space man versus a creature made of sentient dreadlocks, but readers of the comic weren’t likely to show up either. Most of the initial reports on the movie made it seem like the filmmakers were trying to be loyal to the comics while getting the tone entirely wrong. There was also barely any sight of Oa or the Corps early on (most likely because the FX weren’t finished), so the fans felt even more nonplussed. When footage was released at Wondercon the fans justifiably went nuts. Sadly, that was almost all of Oa / Corps footage that appeared in the finished movie. WB shot their wad in desperation. The movie opened to at best, indifference; at worst, derision. Was that the fault of the promotional campaign? Well, it certainly didn’t help.

Best Hair: The assorted period-appropriate ‘dos in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Worst Hair: Daniel Craig – The latter half of Dream House

Most Appropriate Hair For A Cancer Patient: Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s unnerving shaved head – 50/50

Least Appropriate Hair For A Cancer Patient: Mia Wazikowska’s tasteful pixie-cut – Restless

Best Facial Hair: Dominic Purcell - Killer Elite

Worst Facial Hair: Clive Owen - Killer Elite

Scariest Hair/Make-Up Combo: Tom Hanks - Larry Crowne

Best Wig (Actor): Nicolas Cage – Season of the Witch (possibly borrowed from the set of last year’s winner The Sorceror’s Apprentice)

Best Wig (Actress): Emily Browning – Sucker Punch

Worst Wig (Actor): Logan Lerman - The Three Musketeers (actually they were glued-in extensions but you get my point)

Worst Wig (Actress): Cate Blanchett – Hanna

Wig I’m On The Fence About: Justin Theroux – Your Highness

Best Hats: The Adjustment Bureau

Honorable MentionSherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Best Dressed Chap in Sweden: Daniel Craig – The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Worst Casting: Sensible Reese Witherspoon as a PG-13-raunchy and unpredictable acrobat in Water For Elephants

Most Scatological Movie of the YearSpy Kids 4D: All The Time In The World

I’m kinda glad I didn’t see this at the cinema with the Smell-O-Vision scratch card; if the middle section of this movie is anything to go by, I’d just be sniffing a piece of cardboard soaked in Essence of Fart. But I’ll be honest; the cavalcade of poop, barf and fart jokes made me laugh more often than most adult comedies released this year. Shame about that incoherent final act, though.

Most Weather: Wuthering Heights

Best Recasting: The mostly awake and reasonably charming Rosie Huntington-Whiteley replacing orange-hued erotic rabbitbot Megan Fox on Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Messiest Eater: Mickey Rourke - Immortals

Most Expressive Fist: Ryan Gosling - Drive

Biggest Build-Up For Least Payoff: The appearance of Kominsky – New Year’s Eve

Midway through Garry Marshall’s fractured compendium of schmaltz, Hilary Swank decides she needs to hire the legendary Kominsky to fix the broken new year ball in Times Square, and this causes a ripple of excitement to run through the extras clumsily assembled around the set. Kominsky, they whisper with amazement, she’s getting Kominsky. There is much fuss, palaver and hullabuloo about the imminent arrival of Kominsky. It’s infectious. This is, after all, a movie that features a dazzling array of cinema legends like Lea Michele and Josh Duhamel, while filling the smaller roles with yer DeNiros and Pfeiffers. So what legend will they get to play Kominsky? Pacino? Cruise? Hanks? No, silly! It’s Hector Elizondo! For fans of Garry Marshall I’m sure this was a big deal. For the rest of us? Even those of us who have nothing against Hector Elizondo? Not so much.

Most Admirable Commitment To Onscreen Skeeviness: Ben Foster (duplicitous assassin in The Mechanic, wheelchair-bound substance-abusing snitch in Rampart, convicted sex offender and possible murderer in 360)

Most Convincing Lust Object of the Year: Michael Fassbender – Shame (And also X-Men: First Class, A Dangerous Method and Jane Eyre)

Honorable Mention: Hayley Atwell – Captain America: The First Avenger

Least Convincing Lust Object of the Year: January Jones – X-Men: First Class

Dishonorable Mention: Ryan Reynolds - The Change-Up

Most Obscenely, Depressingly Beautiful CastImmortals

Ugliest Contact LensesThe Rum Diary

Honorary Manuela Velasco Award for Services to Scream-Queen Culture: Florencia Colucci - The Silent House

Most Depressing Mise-en-Scène: Tyrannosaur

Honorable MentionTinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Use Of Split Screen: The Green Hornet

Worst Use Of Split Screen: 360

Most Depressing Depiction of a Sexually Aggressive Woman: Jennifer Aniston – Horrible Bosses

Dishonorable Mention: Marisa Tomei – Crazy, Stupid, Love

Cheapest But Most Effective Device In A Horror Film: The swiveling camera in Paranormal Activity 3

It’s just a camera on the bottom half of an oscillating fan, but that simple trick, with the camera panning back and forth very slowly, amps up the tension more than any expensive CGI trick. Kudos to Henry Joost, Ariel Shulman and Christopher Landon for coming up with it.

Worst Product Placement: New Year’s Eve, because nothing says New Year’s celebrations like those joy-embodying products from Toshiba, Phillips and Nivea.

Worst Manners: Jason Statham – Blitz

Weirdest Impersonation of What Sounds A Bit Like Ray Winstone: Mel Gibson – The Beaver

Weirdest Impersonation Of What Sounds Like Jennifer Jason Leigh In The Hudsucker Proxy: Andrea Riseborough – W.E.

Most Logistically Impressive Movie: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Honorable Mention: Battle: Los Angeles

Most Unusual Fighting Implement Wielded by Zoe Saldana In An Otherwise Forgettable Luc Besson/Robert Mark Kamen C-Movie Actioner: A toothbrush (Columbiana)

Best Location Shooting: The Descendants (Hawaii)

Honorable Mentions:

Blitz (London)

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (Chicago and many other parts of America)

A Dangerous Method (Germany, Austria)

Wuthering Heights (Yorkshire)

Thor (Asgard)

Worst Cinematic Trend of 2011: Underwhelming third acts – Insidious, Captain America: The First Avenger, Thor, The Ides of March, Hugo, The Silent House, The Eagle, Dendera, Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, Warrior, Paul, Cowboys and Aliens, The Adjustment Bureau, The Skin I Live In, Source Code, The Descendants, War Horse, Super 8, Drive, In Time, Trespass

Anne Billson wrote this great article on the problem of the bungled third act, and though I enjoyed a couple of her examples, there are a few there that cannot be argued with. Too many movies this year fell apart in the last 20-30 minutes, sometimes so badly that the rest of the movie was irreparably damaged. I’m not sure what the reason for this is, other than that too often films aren’t rewritten often enough before reaching the set, but whatever it is, three-quarters of each of the films above were reasonably-good-to-great, and that’s a very frustrating fraction.

Most Publicity Pictures of a Director: Paddy Considine – Tyrannosaur

Last year (scroll down to the bottom) I noticed the IMDb page for Biutiful‘s images featured a lot of shots of Iñárritu (aka The Director Formerly Known As Alejandro Gonzales Iñárritu), most of them featuring him pointing and looking very thoughtful on set. It struck me that he was going for the title of Most Pictures Of A Director Pointing And Looking Very Thoughtful on IMDb, a title currently held by Michael Bay. And yet this year there’s a new potential winner in the shape of Paddy Considine, with four pictures on IMDb, more than co-star Eddie Marsan (he gets one), and as many as Olivia Colman. Bear in mind, Considine’s not even in the movie.

Even more shocking, Bay only has three on-set photos from Transformers: Dark of the Moon on IMDb this year, the other 600 pictures being 67% shots of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley getting out of cars, and 33% images of smoking rubble. Considine even manages two more shots of himself than Bay got on his debut movie Bad Boys, though none of the shots of Considine are as moving as this ferociously erotic pic of Bay’s torso. So this race to the bottom of the ego continues, but with a new contender around, THIS SHIT OFFICIALLY JUST GOT REALER.

And with that, I’m finally done. Thanks to all who have contacted me about this epic series of posts, and to everyone who has made their way through this mass of opinion and bad jokes, I doff my cap, and say, until next time. ::theme tune plays me out:: ::collapses::