BFI LFF 2010: Black Swan

When writing about the London Film Festival I like to compare and contrast in order to convey the mentally claustrophobic experience of seeing so many movies in such a short space of time. My reaction to one bleeds over into another, or informs my thoughts on both: watching both Biutiful and Essential Killing in one miserable afternoon linked them together in a way that only an exorcist could break apart. Connections grow, parallels become obvious, and the Festival becomes a blob of mushed-up celluloid instead of a series of discrete cinematic events. (This metaphor makes more sense in my head.)

And yet one movie stood out so far from the rest that it’s hard to connect it to any other, despite similarities of theme or execution. Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan is a bomb that detonated in the middle of the festival, and nothing else could have the same impact: even Miike’s 13 Assassins paled in comparison. Early reports suggested Aronofsky had made something special, but on the page it sounded uninspiring: a ballet dancer gets a bit depressed when the pressure is on to deliver a radical new version of Swan Lake. So far, so Suspiria / Red Shoes. However, nothing could have prepared me for this assault on my senses, this barrage of hallucinogenic beauty that rendered me insensible, shaking and hyperventilating and frenetically applauding as the credits rolled.

Aronofsky has hinted at this ability before: his use of repetitive loops of imagery in Pi and Requiem for a Dream had a kind of hypnotic, rhythmic effect, and it was evident in The Fountain albeit in a less staccato form. Here he has combined his facility for creating propulsive, dialogue-free set-pieces as in his early films with the confrontational realist photography of The Wrestler and a narrative that can provide the sense of awe felt during the final moments of The Fountain: a fusion of all of his best work. No one else can end a movie as well as Aronofsky, and Black Swan tops everything else he has done.

The less you know about Black Swan, the better, but it’s safe to say the film is about talented ballet dancer Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman), chosen to play both the Swan Queen and Black Swan in a new production of Swan Lake directed by lascivious maverick Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel). It’s a role she might not have the ability to pull off, and her fears threaten to consume her. Her drive to succeed is stoked by the awful behaviour of her possessive and controlling mother (a magnificently creepy Barbara Hershey), sending her into a tailspin of paranoia and suspicion exacerbated by the arrival of Lily (Mila Kunis), a free-spirit who embodies the sexuality Nina has suppressed but must harness in order to portray the Black Swan. Her grasp on reality begins to slip as the night of the first performance approaches, a process depicted by Aronofsky through unreliable imagery, nausea-inducing sound effects, subtle but nasty body horror, and mirrors, mirrors, mirrors.

A good case can be made that Aronofsky is using obvious tricks to convey Nina’s unravelling mental state, but when they are as effective as this, it doesn’t matter – if you’re willing to give yourself over. As with Christopher Nolan’s Inception, the use of easily recognisable imagery (e.g. mirrors in Black Swan to denote fractured sense of identity, elevators to denote movement between different levels of consciousness in Inception) allows the audience to swallow information on a gut level while the movie focuses on delivering story through action, not exposition. Yes, Inception‘s first hour is taken up by explaining the rules of the movie, and Black Swan spends some time explaining the story of Swan Lake in detail, but the payoff for being led by the hand early on is that Nolan and Aronofsky can later use thematic visual short-cuts with confidence that we are clued-up and ready for the ride.

Both movies end with long setpieces that would not be possible without these oft-criticised compromises, if they can even be called that. When did we become so jaded that the use of universally recognised shorthand to allow viewers to absorb information on a subconscious level is considered a bad thing? The benefit is immense: both Nolan and Aronofsky have created unforgettable experiences, riveting barrages of pure cinema that start calmly before galloping towards logical but unexpected conclusions, leaving the audience exhausted and grateful. As with last year’s Inglourious Basterds, both of these movies made me excited in a way no other works of art ever could. The sense of propulsion, of being rushed through the imaginations of two genuine artists without a chance to catch my breath, was truly thrilling.

The one thing Black Swan has over Inception is one truly magnificent performance. Natalie Portman excels as Nina, going to unbelievable physical and emotional lengths to depict the dancer’s paranoia and confusion. I doubt even her fans were aware that she could pull off a performance as wrenching and brave as this: it’s as if Brando had done dozens of relatively unchallenging movies before On The Waterfront, or De Niro had started out in the woeful crud of his later years before showing up in Mean Streets. Portman is that good. I’m genuinely amazed that she hasn’t already been given every acting award going, just to save time. It’s the performance of the year, and Black Swan wouldn’t be the masterpiece it is without her at its centre.

Every aspect of the movie is almost perfect. Kunis and Hershey do career-best work, and Cassel triumphs over some unfortunate underwriting through sheer charm alone, with some fantastic moments coming late in the film. Soundtrack composer Clint Mansell has the unenviable task of fleshing out Tchaikovsky’s masterpiece and by God he pulls it off, playing off Tchaikovsky’s themes in the non-ballet scenes and wisely leaving the original music to power the stunning dance sequences in the final act. It’s the kind of bravura score that converts people into classical fans: the crescendo in the last few minutes will likely knock you sideways. Matthew Libatique’s naturalistic, monochrome photography is also worthy of note: it’s gritty and unaffected but still conveys the grandeur of the Swan’s tale, effortlessly eluding the dancers and giving the audience a closer look at the art of dance than is usual. It’s the key to the immersive nature of the film.

That might be the reason some people have found Black Swan unpalatable. Most of Aronofsky’s influences are obvious — Hitchcock, Powell/Pressburger, Argento, Verhoeven and Cronenberg are all present and correct — but it’s telling that Aronofsky, in his truncated presentation before the screening, made reference to Gaspar Noé’s Enter The Void. Without prompting he segued into elaborate praise for Noé’s nightmare vision, recommending that everyone see it as soon as possible (yet another reason to praise Aronofsky). This recommendation seemed odd: Black Swan seemed, from trailers and clips, to be conventionally filmed compared to Noé’s bold project, which put us inside the mind of its protagonist by using a remarkable soundscape and innovative visual effects to convince us we were experiencing a final journey into a nightmare world beyond the grave.

Aronofsky can’t use the same tricks as Noe, but he comes as close as you can. Portman is constantly onscreen, those searching cameras pushing close in on her, the stunning sound design cranked up as far as possible so we are surrounded by music, noise, the cracking of her body as she punishes herself for her art. The audience winced and gasped with every flexed toe, clipped nail, and stretched ligament. As with Noé’s kaleidoscopic work, you see how redundant 3D technology can be when a truly brilliant filmmaker has the ability to draw you into his or her protagonist’s POV. When Black Swan was over my head swam: rushing out of the cinema to complete a prior engagement was made almost impossible by the disconnect between the real world and the world in which I had been submerged. The sense that we are trapped with Nina inside her madness is palpable: critics say overwrought, I say overwhelming, brave, unique.

There’s good reason to expect that Aronofsky’s gleeful mixing of high and low culture will annoy some, and his use of imagery may smack others as unsubtle. Fair enough, but if I can convince one person that the tide of positive reviews that have poured forth over the past few days are a true measure of this mesmerising work, and not just the product of empty hype, I will be happy. Aronofsky has aimed straight at the gut as much as at the brain and heart, and in the process has created a dark fairy-tale of unbelievable power. It’s the best film of the festival, and the best film of Aronofsky’s career: a pure fusion of sound and image of such mastery that everything else released this year stands cowering in its shadow.

The Top One Hundred and Six Movies of the Oughts (60-46)

Of all the movies I’ve missed off this list through my own stupidity, the one I’m most annoyed about forgetting is Jonathan Glazer’s controversial Birth, also known as That Film Where Nicole Kidman Does The Creepy Bathtub Thing With A Kid. It’s one of those movies that generated a firestorm of controversy when it came out but also didn’t seem to appeal to anyone.

It came and went with just a lot of burbling complaint, and while Nicole Kidman’s career wasn’t harmed by it, it did make Jonathan Glazer vanish from sight, electing to return to his previous job directing videos and commercials. What’s most annoying about that controversy is that that scene is far less effective than the incredible scene where Kidman’s character has to process the possibility that the man she loved and has been grieving over for ten years may have been reborn. The camera captures her confusion, pain, and hope in a long close-up: along with the opening scene of Inglourious Basterds and the lengthy conversation in the middle of Steve McQueen’s superb Hunger, it’s one of the great long takes of the last ten years.

Of course the movie doomed itself by having a fascinating  central premise (what would you do if a person you loved had died and come back as someone else?) and a mystery at its core that was not really the final focus of the movie. Glazer and his co-writers Jean-Claude Carrière and Milo Addica are more interested in depicting the ways in which grief can destroy a mind and hope can make a person do crazy things, much as The Constant Gardener also does. I really like that movie, but Birth is even better. Glazer filmed it as if it were a modern-day fairy tale, but one in which the evil prince “wins”  in the end, and alongside the bravura close-up he creates some other memorable scenes including a meltdown from Danny Huston at a recital, a final shot of Kidman pretty much losing her grip on reality, and a stunningly beautiful opening in Central Park, all to the sound of Alexandre Desplat’s stunning score.

It’s one of the five best soundtracks of the decade. Speaking of movies set in New York and featuring creepy children intent on wrecking a family, praise is due George Ratliff’s beautifully judged thriller Joshua. Eschewing most dreary Bad Seed shock tactics (such as those employed by the moronic Orphan from earlier this year), Joshua shows how one smart, creepy kid can destroy lives just by playing upon people’s expectations of what children are like. Hott Sam Rockwell and Vera Farmiga are fantastic as the tortured parents whose lives are ruined by the son that has grown to hate them, and the whole thing burrows under your skin in a pleasantly unpleasant way. If I were to do this over again, it would definitely feature lower down in the list, but Birth would be in the top forty at least. Damn, I really loved that movie.

Here is the next fifteen entries on my best of list, though as you can see it’s become rather unfinished what with all the late entries. As before, there are no movies from 2009, etc.

60. Gomorrah

Matteo Garrone’s fractured narrative shows how crime affects all strata of life in Naples and Caserta, corrupting the inhabitants, robbing them of their autonomy, and even poisoning the ground they live on. As Girrone’s movie progresses, all hope of escape from the black cloud dwindles. A sobering experience, and an essential one.

59. City of God

As with Garrone’s crime epic, this shows how anarchic criminality can destroy every life it touches. While the Italian movie was paced with considered calm, Fernando Meirelles and Kátia Lund’s movie is a blur of energy unmatched by any other movie since Goodfellas. What could have been mere poverty-porn becomes profound, thrilling, and inspirational.

58. Primer

As with Mulholland Drive, this one left me behind. Shane Carruth’s time-travel movie has arguably the most labyrinthine plot in film history. On first viewing it challenges you for an hour before leaping off the deep end. Only after multiple viewings and consultations with complex flowcharts does it begin to make sense. The ultimate puzzle movie, and the equivalent of real intellectual benchpressing.

57. Inside Man

The heist movie to end all heist movies. Spike Lee creates a modern day Taking of Pelham 123, perfectly capturing the grouchy solidarity of New York with numerous entertaining asides and performances, all while leisurely touching on Lee’s trademark concerns about racial tension within that fractious melting-pot. A rare feel-good crime drama, and all the better for its genial air.

56. The Mist

Saved from obscurity by the enthusiasm of horror nerds across America, Frank Darabont’s timely horror classic works as a ghoulish B-Movie homage and disturbing time-lapse exploration of how ignorance and paranoia (embodied as the decade’s best villain, Mrs. Carmody) can tear us apart. Darabont’s previous films show how hope can set us free. Here he shows how despair can only lead to ruin.

55. A History of Violence

David Cronenberg and Josh Olsen took a weak graphic novel and turned it into a dissertation on the true nature of violence, separate from the sanitised movie version of violence, all while retaining the thrills and tension necessary to keep an audience riveted. Possibly the most intellectually satisfying suspense movie since Hitchcock’s prime.

54. Waltz With Bashir

Who would’ve thought that something as simple as Flash could be used to create something as profoundly moving as this? Ari Folman used hallucinogenic visuals to depict his distorted memory of the 1982 Lebanon War, and by proxy the entire country of Israel. The well-judged shift in format in the final five minutes is wrenching.

53. Pineapple Express

For anyone who loved the shaky action movies of the 80s and early 90s, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg’s pitch-perfect satire/mash note is manna from heaven, but what sends it over the top is James Franco’s performance as stoner Saul. His sincerity, heroism, and constant bewilderment are endlessly endearing.

52. Monsters Inc.

Unfairly treated as the poor cousin to Dreamworks’ Shrek at the time of release, time has proven that Pete Docter’s wildly imaginative adventure was the monster movie with brains and heart. Random remembrance of the final image triggered floods of tears even months after first viewing.

51. Casino Royale

Just when it seemed James Bond was finally ready for the skip, Martin Campbell returned to the franchise in time to save it. Tricksy plot construction, clearly edited action scenes, and excellent performances by the six lead actors add up to the best Bond movie since On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, and one of the most thrilling action movies of the decade.

50. Serenity

For those of us who love Joss Whedon’s work, this sequel to his cancelled show Firefly was an event not to be missed. Fortunately, it was worth celebrating. Whedon can be proud of his SF Western, achieving the miracle of introducing a large cast to newcomers while satisfying hardcore fans with answers, character arc resolutions, and high drama. It would have been higher if Whedon wasn’t such a beloved-character-killing meanie. ::pouts::

49. Paprika

Satoshi Kon’s dream fantasy offers the most startling visual onslaught in years, as well as one of the most endearing protagonists in modern SF. Even though countless cultural references will be wasted on the average Western viewer, it still offers an unforgettable, dizzying head-trip.

48. Hidden (Caché)

Michael Haneke’s rightly celebrated thriller deals with guilt, persecution, middle-class isolationism, racial politics, and the unthinking consequences of youthful behaviour with an icy intellectualism that nevertheless makes the heart pound. Daniel Auteuil and Juliette Binoche are riveting, as always.

47. Idiocracy

A chaotic mess trapped under a terrible expository voice-over, Mike Judge’s dystopic satire has more than enough bite and uncomfortable humour to justify the compromise necessary to get it made. Possibly the angriest satire in living memory and one that is slowly accruing cultural cachet among nervous anthropologists observing modern society. Plus, I can attest to the fact that repeated viewings unearth a wealth of funny details.

46. Limbo

John Sayles’ meandering thriller starts off as a simple tale of frontier life, and gradually becomes darker, taking twists and turns that you could never see coming. Perhaps it’s the most aptly titled film of the decade, as Sayles expertly manipulates your expectations and offers the greatest, most exasperating and yet most profound open ending in years.

Right, another one done without the help of WordPress’ useless autosave function which got rid of a wodge of words earlier. More to come, hopefully tonight.

The Top One Hundred and Six Movies of the Oughts (75-61)

As I said before, I realised after posting the first installment of this list that I had missed off some films, and decided to pay homage to those movies in the intros. I’m annoyed at not including Christopher McQuarrie’s Way of the Gun as it’s a very impressive directorial debut that vanished after release and is only now starting to attract any attention years later.

Not enough attention, though. If you’ve not seen it and feel like watching a really uncompromising crime thriller that occupies a middle ground between Walter Hill’s  Johnny Handsome and Sam Peckinpah’s Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia, then this is the movie for you. Benicio Del Toro and Ryan Phillippe play two scumbag criminals who kidnap a pregnant woman and end up bringing down a world of pain on themselves. It’s a gratifyingly dark movie, one of those movies made with the input of some well trained combat veterans (like Mamet’s Spartan and Michael Mann’s Heat) which is reflected in some tight and well-thought-out setpieces. It also features some superbly choreographed gunfights and one of the best opening scenes of the decade. I like this movie well enough to really regret missing it out, but if I were to include it now I would have to remove another movie from the list and I can’t really do that. If I were doing it over again, Way of the Gun would be definitely be included, and quite high up too.

Okay, remember the rules. Nothing from 2009 because blah blah and yes, some movies are a little lower than you would expect but I only saw them once and don’t feel familiar enough with them to assess them correctly, so I’m going with first impressions. Got that? Good.

75. Red Road

The feature debut of Andrea Arnold is one of the smartest thrillers to come out of Britain in decades. A sly commentary on the UK’s obsession with CCTV as well as being a gripping tale of revenge, the movie comes into its own with a surprising redemptive finale. Kudos also to Kate Dickie, who plays haunted protagonist Jackie with equal parts sensitivity and menace.

74. Speed Racer

Widely loathed by audiences and critics everywhere, the Wachowski’s put their reputations on the line with the boldest cross-format adaptation ever. Making the visual conventions and storytelling shortcuts of anime into vividly coloured flesh, Speed Racer offers the most consistently mindblowing visual assault of recent times, while the enthusiastic cast provide the heart. A pure triumph. Shut it, haters.

73. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

It might be an impossibility to make a starring vehicle for John C. Reilly — complete with songs — that could fail. Certainly this was not a financial success, but in time a cult will gather around Jake Kasdan and Judd Apatow’s faux-biopic, and it will get its due for its perfect use of the genre’s conventions against itself. (Check out John Michael Higgins’ expression at 3:02. Genius.)

72. A Scanner Darkly

Perhaps the definitive Philip K. Dick adaptation, perfectly capturing his absurdist prose and paranoid, reality-denying worldview. Richard Linklater found the ideal vehicle for the unworldly rotoscoping animation that Bob Sabiston utilised so brilliantly in the also-impressive Waking Life (another contender for this list). Perfectly cast and beautifully animated, A Scanner Darkly humanises Dick’s abstract musings, something that his other interpreters have struggled with.

71. Spirited Away

Hayao Miyazaki’s hallucinatory childrens’ tale has the nightmarish morality lessons of Disney’s Pinocchio, and the matter-of-fact oddness of Lewis Carroll. By turning the real world upside down and creating a dreamland governed by rules and laws that have only a distorted relation to our own, Miyazaki has created a hazy fable for the ages.

70. The Wrestler

For much of its running time Darren Aronofsky’s adaptation of Robert D. Siegel’s tight screenplay looks like a standard comeback tale, but by the end we see what it really is: a tragedy about a man whose inability to adapt to the world around him dooms him. The final image is heartbreaking, iconic, and unforgettable. It also features what might be the comeback performance of the decade from a never-better Mickey Rourke.

69. Sideways

Alexander Payne’s delicate tale of friendship took critics by storm but in the most memorable Academy Award snub in recent memory, Paul Giamatti’s performance was not even nominated for an honour. For shame. His depiction of a man attempting to fend off the pain of life through booze and defensive snobbery is heartbreaking, his redemption quiet but moving.

68. Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence

One of the most underrated SF movies of the decade, Mamoru Oshii’s meditation on transhumanity may have fewer wow moments than his original adaptation of Shirow Masamune’s manga, but it follows the same themes into deeper holes. It’s easy to get happily lost in them.

67. Spider

Funding problems almost shut production down on this adaptation of Patrick McGrath’s novel, but it made it to cinemas, to an indifferent audience. Ralph Fiennes gives the performance of a lifetime in an exaggerated nightmare world of poverty, insanity, murder and grime. Cronenberg’s emotionally claustrophobic vision lingers long after the credits roll.

66. Iron Man

Possibly the most ambitious film project since Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, Marvel Studios’ attempt to create a complete onscreen universe a la the 616 got off to a terrific start last year. The Incredible Hulk was fun, but Iron Man was a near-total success. Light, exciting, and endlessly entertaining, it also propelled Robert Downey Jr. to the superstardom he has always deserved.

65. The King of Kong

Forget superhero movies. One of the decades greatest showdowns was between gaming enthusiasts Billy Mitchell and Steve Weibe. The roles of hero and villain were delineated so completely that Seth Gordon didn’t even need to meddle with the events through editing. We instantly knew who to root for, and who to hiss. I’d feel sorry for Billy Mitchell after news leaked of booing and hissing during convention screenings, but I don’t think he cares. He’s very successful, after all.

64. Spider-Man 2

Sam Raimi made a great origin film for Spidey, and then built upon that success to deliver a crowd-pleasing action epic, skillfully constructed for maximum emotional impact. For such a hectic film, praise is due to Raimi for making the quiet character revelations as memorable as the incredible setpieces. And when I say incredible setpieces, I’m thinking of the best superhero/supervillain fight yet committed to film:

63. Lantana

Ray Lawrence again, adapting Andrew Bovell’s play about the emotional turmoil affecting a policeman and the people around him. I’m ashamed to admit that my favourite part of this unmissable movie is not the sensitive direction, the thought-provoking screenplay, or the uniformly brilliant performances, but that Anthony LaPaglia’s character is called Leon Zat. What a name.

62. Redbelt

David Mamet’s best work is often about men and their self-aggrandising hostility towards each other. That gruffness is greatly softened here by the casting of Chiwetel Ejiofor as Mike Terry, a man whose reflective stillness and sense of honour sets him apart. Mamet expertly tightens the screws on his hero until he explodes with righteous fury in a finale of enormous emotional power.

61. Lost in Translation

After the inevitable backlash against Sofia Coppola’s semi-autobiographical tale of connection in a strange land, it’s easy to forget everything that made it work so well. It occupies a kind of netherworld between comedy and tragedy, reality and movie exaggeration, at once dreamlike and bluntly mundane. And oh my, that glorious soundtrack…

Ah, that worked out a lot better. WordPress worked fine. It was just Microsoft and their insistent Windows updates that nearly ruined it all. More tomorrow…

The Top One Hundred and Six Movies of the Oughts (106-91)

Longtime readers will know that I’m a fiend for lists the way Sonny Crockett is a fiend for mojitos. Don’t believe me? Check out this blurry video:

My Best of 2009 movie list has been percolating for a while now, with only a few contenders for best or worst film to come before I shut things down at the end of December (oh yes, I won’t stop watching until I’m sure I have it right). Meanwhile, even though I’m uncomfortable with the idea of this decade being 1999-2009, I’ve been pondering my own best of the decade list. This should be something to be excited about, and yet until last week I just couldn’t muster any enthusiasm for it. When I search my soul I come to the uncomfortable but inescapable conclusion that it’s because any list I would come up with would both be horribly incomplete and would betray my populist taste. What makes me more uncomfortable than that is realising that such an admission makes me uncomfortable at all.

Any list I could make for this decade is already off to a bad start when I admit that I’ve yet to see many of the best reviewed and most beloved movies of recent times. The gaps in my viewing history include Cristian Mungiu’s 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days, Apichatpong Weerasethakul’s Syndromes and a Century, Edward Yang’s Yi Yi, Andrey Zvyagintsev’s The Return, and anything by Wong Kar Wai, Nuri Bilge Ceylan, or the Dardennes. I’ve also only seen a couple of (terrific) movies by Claire Denis and a single, memorable one by Michael Haneke. Some film buff I am. This short list is merely the tip of the iceberg. According to this list, I might as well not consider myself a film lover at all, as I’m not looking for movie excellence in the right places (though the entire list is invalidated by the praise for Woody Allen’s technically disastrous and intellectually vapid Cassandra’s Dream: surely one of the ten worst films of the decade).

All of that shame over my taste is wrapped up in feelings of mortification over class and intellectualism and authenticity and so many other things. I know that none of it is important but the expression of some kind of discernment in my opinion helps to legitimise my amateur film criticism, something I take very seriously even when I talk about things that readers might consider beneath contempt (my defence of Michael Bay, for instance, or my enthusiasm for The Dark Knight). Therefore it scares me to openly admit that I’m a sucker for a well-choreographed action scene with some pretty explosions included. No one wants to admit to enjoying those movies without losing their credibility, so why should I be the one to stick my neck out?

Maybe it’s time to get over those silly fears and say it loud: I’m a fan of populist cinema. Yes, I can appreciate works of cinematic art on many levels, though perhaps I might have greater difficulty expressing that appreciation or placing those works in context with works by other artists. However, when I talk about how much I love Joel Silver movies of the 80s and 90s, or Bruckheimer’s output in the late 90s to the current day, I’m on firmer ground. Perhaps this is why Shades of Caruso concentrates on those movies: it’s safer to talk about the joy I get from seeing a movie by the Wachowski Siblings than it is to attempt to unpick the works of Abbas Kiarostami. Any list I would make for the past decade would skew heavily towards populist movies, partially because most of the movies I’ve seen were major releases by Western writers and directors, but also because these are the movies that speak directly to me.

It was upon staring at that shame, and the shame I feel for having that shame, that I said bollocks to it and compiled this list. I hereby reject that shame, expel it from my soul, and embrace the movies that filled my soul with joy or heart-ache. The construction of this list is helped by the clear cut-off point in my past: 1999 was the year I moved out of my hometown for the second time and headed to London, where I found enough time and opportunity to attend more movies. As a result my enthusiasm increased, until I had no choice but to start a blog to use as a pressure valve for this energy. I’ve seen hundreds of movies in that time, and so I expect this list to be incomplete and filled with egregious misses, plus some movies have been missed off (Pan’s Labyrinth) or put low on the list (No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood) because I’ve only seen them once. I’ll need to revisit them with a clear head, free of hype, to do them justice.

One more caveat: I’ve not included films from this year. I know, this seems to make the whole process pointless, but I like to have at least a little gap between seeing a movie and putting it in a list this big. The End-Of-Year lists are made with the proviso that I understand how my opinion will change over time, and watching films right up until Dec 31st means I will be cramming in movies even though my opinion of them has yet to settle. Who knows whether time will be kind to these movies or not. I’ve certainly been surprised with how some movies I initially loved have dropped out of my favour, and others that I enjoyed well enough on first viewing are not breaking into the top fifty. For the record, at least three from my forthcoming 2009 list would definitely qualify for inclusion here, but I don’t want to add them now as the year has yet to finish, and I’m hoping two or three more will qualify. Perhaps when I’ve finished compiling my 2009 lists, I will write an addendum explaining where they would go in this list.

And so, here is the first part of my list of the best 106 movies of the period 1999-2008. Why 106? Because I just couldn’t leave the last six movies off without writing a little bit about them, as I enjoyed them greatly and felt they would never in a million years get any list love otherwise. As this post has already run on, I’ll only list the first 16 here, and the next 90 films will be revealed as the week progresses. Yes yes, there are simpler ways of doing this, but anyone who knows me will understand that when there is an easy way and a hard way to do anything, I will ignore both and then do something completely self-indulgent that makes a mockery of my original goal. Just play along. I’ve kept my explanations for why I love these movies as short as I can. I hope I’ve lauded a secret favourite of yours, dear reader, one that has been snubbed by every critic in the land.

Honorary Bad Movie Inclusion — The Room

It is quite simply the worst movie ever made, but its rewatch value, its quotability, and the fearless depiction of the dreadful inner life of its emotionally immature writer and director make it almost infinitely fascinating. Its inclusion here is no reflection of its quality, but of the hold it has over anyone who watches it. It’s a true curio.

106. Avalon

After leaving a screening of Avalon, my viewing companion commented that there is good boring and bad boring, and this was a perfect example of the former. Starkly beautiful and glacially paced, Mamoru Oshii’s ode to the power of gaming predicts a future where our desire to transcend our mundane world will drive us to abandon it.

105. Kung Fu Hustle

What made me love Stephen Chow’s madcap martial arts comedy wasn’t the expertly choreographed actions scenes, great though they were. Neither was it the broad humour, though I enjoyed that too. The best thing about it was how the wacky tone morphed into effective dramatic energy. At first you laugh at the caricatures, but by the final act you fear for their safety.

104. The Mothman Prophecies

Poorly marketed as a bog-standard X-Files-esque alien abduction flick, this dread-soaked thriller is more interested in dramatising our insignificance in the face of supernatural forces that move us around like game pieces. Strong performances and meticulous direction from Mark Pellington help to ground the potentially silly project.

103. Moulin Rouge

At his worst, Baz Luhrmann is a vulgar artiste who has zero impulse control, but when his approach works, it can wrench your heart open. This fearlessly sincere musical is the most successful example of the Luhrman effect. Though many have resisted its garish onslaught, my cynicism melted twenty minutes in and stayed that way.

102. The Rundown (aka Welcome To The Jungle)

What should have been the gateway drug to the paradise that is Loving The Rock instead faltered at the box office, but who cares? For its sheer exuberance and demented asides — not to mention a totally hatstand performance by Christopher Walken — this Midnight Sprint shall be remembered and adored.

101. Solaris

Though Steven Soderbergh’s adaptation of Stanislav Lem’s SF classic fails to capture the essence of that novel (as does the previous version by Andrei Tarkovsky), the result explores equally interesting philosophical questions. Clooney excels as a bereaved astronaut forced to confront living memories of his dead wife, a celestial manifestation distorted by his yearning and twisted perceptions of reality.

100. Mushishi

Katsuhiro Otomo’s live-action adaptation of Yuki Urushibara’s manga is a curious beast. Though overlong, the tale of Mushi master Ginko’s journey through a polluted and hostile pastoral land is a feast for the eyes. The gloomy atmospherics and cascade of ideas more than make up for any flaws.

99. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Kevin Smith’s low-budget comedies often fail to fly thanks to their self-imposed parochial restrictions. His ambitious and controversial religious satire Dogma was an improvement upon those early movies but this self-lacerating road-movie was the one that really worked, and well enough to finally make me appreciate his scatological shtick.

98. I Heart Huckabees

It achieved an awful notoriety as the movie where director David O. Russell lost his mind on set and bollocked Lily Tomlin, but I Heart Huckabees was also a disorienting blend of philosophy and Dada-esque nonsense, often incomprehensible but almost always entertaining. However, unlike many chaotic cult movies (ahem, Richard Kelly), this actually made sense if you unfocused your brain while watching.

97. Shanghai Knights

Shanghai Noon was fun, and the pairing of Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson was more successful than the tiresome team-up of Chan and Chris Tucker in the Rush Hour movies. The London-set sequel was a massive improvement, mostly because helmer David Dobkin was the only US director who seemed willing to spend time with Chan to create fights almost as complex and funny as his classic Hong Kong work.

96. Michael Clayton

Clooney again in full force, this time as a corporate fixer who gets messed around once too often. What could have been a rote corporate thriller instead becomes a fascinating character study, one where terrible decisions are made in good faith, and good decisions happen for the wrong reasons. It also propelled Tilda Swinton into stardom: for this I am eternally grateful.

95. Mulholland Drive

Is it poor form to admit that upon first viewing I didn’t understand anything about David Lynch’s tinsel-town nightmare? All that I knew was that the final scene was almost unwatchably terrifying. Days later, the mood of dread still lingered. That residual horror — and Naomi Watts’ excellent star-making performance — is enough to justify inclusion on this list.

94. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Easy to forget how big an impact this movie had on first release. Even though the final installment of the trilogy ripped all of the fun from the franchise, the first is still a near-perfect swashbuckler. The first appearance of Captain Jack Sparrow is a contender for Best Entrance of the Decade.

93. The Prestige

Initially the blatantly obvious “twist” at the end of Christopher Nolan’s adaptation soured an experience that had been extremely pleasurable. Upon repeated viewings, it becomes apparent that the Transported Man trick is not the point of the movie. Instead, Nolan is more interested in painting a picture of a man driven to unthinkable acts because of his thirst for revenge. Compared to dreadful fallout of that psychological damage, magic is nothing.

92. The Chronicles of Riddick

Many choose to focus on the flaws and hubris of David Twohy’s Space-Conan-meets-Lord-of-the-Rings hybrid, but that occasionally inspired vision – and that amazing twist ending — are enough to justify the entire ambitious, galaxy-hopping project. Another film where the cult grows every year, with the prospect of a continuation of the saga now tantalisingly close.

91. eXistenZ

Arriving between the reality-warping brain food of Alex Proyas’ Dark City and The Wachowski’s Matrix, Cronenberg’s only self-scripted film of the decade was greeted with an initial burst of excitement and then seemed to be forgotten. A shame. It’s his most playful movie since Naked Lunch, skipping gleefully between levels of reality and throwing in traditionally unpleasant body horror with abandon.

Okay, that’s enough for now. Keep checking back to see more updates as the week progresses.

End Of Season Review: Fringe

While futilely attempting to catalogue the weekly TV events of the 2008-2009 season, I spent a long time agonising over Fringe, the wacky science fiction show from J.J. Abrams, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci. As mentioned in my In Treatment review, there were many other shows on our to-watch list, some of which were actually reliably good (Friday Night Lights and The Shield spring to mind), and yet I felt compelled to keep watching this first, much to Canyon’s bafflement. Much of this I can put down to my nerd heritage, but it was also a consequence of the imminent end of Lost. With that show on the final stretch, I need something to replace that, something with a needlessly complex mythology that is filled with Easter Eggs for me to feel good about spotting. Dollhouse looks to be building some interesting ambiguity, certainly about the history and purpose of the Dollhouse itself, but the clues about all of that are being introduced with actual narrative force, making these revelations story beats instead of just getting the prop department to mock up a poster for Massive Dynamic with a phone number on it.


The loss of Lost will leave a hole in my life that will be absurdly big for something as trivial as a TV show, but when Fringe turned out not to be just a procedural but just the kind of batshit sci fi continuity smorgasbord as Lost, I rejoiced. Could this patchy show fill the hole? Would it settle down and provide the brain fodder that Lost did? By the time the season finished, it was sadly still a long way off, with Dollhouse providing the mental workout. More on that some other time.

Of all the shows I watched this season, Fringe was probably the most exasperating. A lot of shows turned out to be just as good as I had hoped (returning shows such as FNL and Big Love), some surprised me (Party Down, Leverage, and Sons of Anarchy are currently making me very happy, though I had expected to be disappointed), and some were terrible from the get-go and never recovered (Knight Rider, Eleventh Hour, and The Unusuals deserve their ignominious cancellations). Dollhouse was the show I was desperate to love, started out hating, and then ended up adoring, but Fringe was one that tested my patience throughout. More than once I considered dropping it, until the episode Safe came along and showed that the glacial pace of Lost was not going to be replicated. At the midpoint of the season, everything kicked off, and it seemed like Fringe was going to be my favourite new show of the year. Except that Fox kept taking it off the air for months at a time, wrecking any narrative momentum, made worse by some dire standalone episodes that will be next to unwatchable when going through the season a second time. Lost‘s first season might not be a patch on later seasons, but it still maintained a higher standard than this.


It was foolish to assume the show would be Lost 2.0. For a start, ABC might not be the most daring network in the world, but they have been more than willing to give Cuse and Lindelof slack to create the oddest and most complex show on TV even as that oddness and dense narrative repels viewers who have lost patience with it. Fox are pretty much the opposite, as shown by their insistence on dumbing down Dollhouse long enough to put off any viewers who wanted something more intelligent than Bionical Woman. While Whedon seems to be incapable of creating anything that doesn’t demand great attention from his audience, Fringe comes from the minds of a bunch of guys who are more than capable of creating challenging and entertaining TV, but also know that they have to play by the rules if they’re going to avoid cancellation. The result is a show of dismay-inducing lowest-common-denominator standalone episodes that are filled with story beats that make absolutely no sense if you haven’t seen every other episode. It’s not quite the worst of both worlds, but it’s close.

Compared to the first two seasons of Abrams’ Alias (which had Kurtzman and Orci onboard as head writers), Fringe has been, at times, an appalling mess. Part of the failure is down to the main character, Olivia Dunham, who is nowhere near as compelling or consistently written as Sydney Bristow (and Anna Torv is no Jennifer Garner). Several episodes in, her mild-mannered responses to the death of her lover and revelation of his betrayal were obviously not working. At the time I thought Torv was underplaying great emotional pain, but in the sixth episode, The Cure, Dunham is suddenly a vengeance-crazed maverick, suggesting the character was rewritten to become more dynamic. Of course, it could also have something to do with her brain being invaded by the consciousness of her evil (or not evil) lover, but none of it felt like foreshadowing, merely tinkering.


As Masticator pointed out in another internet venue, the second half of the season saw her living with her sister and niece, probably in an attempt to make Dunham seem less like an unlovable career woman (can’t have one of those on Fox!). If the network feels that’s what Dunham needs, then fair enough. After all, Sydney Bristow lived with Francie Calfo and hung out with Will Tippin, and both of them allowed the writers to give Bristow more moments of vulnerability, as well as having a sounding board for her troubles.

However, Francie and Will were also used brilliantly to complicate her life, especially in the second season. For two characters that, at first, had seemed extraneous, the amazing second season finale would have been nothing without them. Dunham’s sister Rachel (played by Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist scene-stealer Ari Graynor) adds nothing. She kinda flirts with Peter Bishop (the almost eternally smirking Joshua Jackson), and her daughter almost gets her brain melted by an improbable evil scientist in the desperately bad episode The No-Brainer, but other than that, there really is no purpose for them in the show other than to have a child around that Dunham can hug. Look! That woman is reading a story to a child before bedtime! I no longer hate and fear her. Good work, focus group.


Other characters have little or no purpose too. Astrid Farnsworth (Jasika Nicole) is little more than a lab assistant with a wicked ‘do, added just so Walter Bishop (John Noble) has someone to throw exposition at when Peter isn’t around. Phillip Broyles (Lance “Intensity” Reddick) either gives Dunham some props or some earache depending on what is needed for each episode. He also seems to be simultaneously jaded by the mad science events in the show, and absolutely shocked by them. Happy though I am to see Reddick getting regular work, I wish he was given more to do. He needs to shoot a motherfucker or two in the second season.


Nina Sharp (Blair Brown) has proven to be significantly less interesting than Ben Linus, or even Charles Widmore. There’s a bit of back and forth about whether she’s a good guy or a bad guy, but compared to my endless pontificating about the alignment of Linus, I’m really not that bothered about her. When it’s revealed on the show, I’ll give a damn then. Charlie Francis (Kirk Acevedo) has proven to be such a disposable character that he has been fired and not fired with great rapidity. I have no idea what the showrunners are up to there, though it does strongly suggest that people shouldn’t drink consolation rum and then go posting on Facebook. Or wear certain egregious hats.


With almost all of the characters leaving me cold, the mad science has to keep me occupied instead, and a lot of the time it fails at that too. For every amazing, creepy visual like The Sealant (which makes your orifices close up, suffocating you to death), or a weird worm crushing a man’s heart, there is some stupid Chimera monster on the loose, or a syphilitic cat woman that drinks spinal fluid (what the hell were they doing that week? Someone should tell the writers that three bad ideas do not equal one good one.). The main arc of the show is the thing that saves it, with Walter’s tinkering in parallel universes causing a war with a technologically superior version of humanity.


The moment that was revealed was when I mentally committed to the show through thick and thin, as it promised some mindblowing stuff later on, but even then, we find out that Dunham was once a test subject for Walter and William Bell (Leonard Nimoy, in one of the most heavily promoted, and utterly awesome, surprise cameo appearances ever), in order to prepare her for battle as a psychic soldier. Shades of Scanners and X-Files there, and not a problem, except that Sydney Bristow, in Alias, was also trained as a child as part of the absurdly named Project Christmas. It’s one thing to complain about how shows by J.J. Abrams seem to focus a lot on father issues, which is kind of unfair as it’s not something he is alone in doing, but having two shows feature two special agents who have had a mysterious childhood is really taking the piss. Though still, psychic super-soldiers are a lot more interesting than just your regular super-soliders. I love Captain America, but is he as cool as Michael Ironside and his ability to blow someone’s head apart? Exactly.

So, most of the characters suck. Some individual episodes are horribly goofy and uneffective. It can be dismayingly derivative. The format means most episodes end with a race against time, with, at best, a chase sequence or, at worst, Dunham talking someone out of setting fire to her with their brain (didn’t they do that twice?). The science is offensively bad, even when you assume a daft sci fi show is liable to fudge the details somewhat. There is far too much evidence of the showrunners playing it safe and doing what the network demands. Why bother with it?


Because JOHN NOBLE IS LOVE, bitches! I can take any amount of dreary Dunham home chat, or Peter Bishop-style smarm, because every so often John Noble wanders into shot, and takes even the stupidest dialogue – yes, even the endless digressions about various foodstuffs – and turns it into a heartbreaking, shocking, hilarious soliloquy (yes, all of those emotions at the same time!). What’s best about that is that he actually gets the best dialogue on the show, so imagine how incredible that sounds. His performance as Denethor in Return of the King left me cold, but in Fringe he performs miracles. In the season finale, There’s More Than One Of Everything, he has some scenes in an old beach-house during which he has a minor breakdown in front of Peter. Kudos to Joshua Jackson for stepping up to the plate, but the real genius is being displayed by Noble, who is alternately terrifying and vulnerable.

Next to Gabriel Byrne and Michael Emerson, he’s the best thing on TV.

He’s not the only reason I keep watching, though. That amazing series concept, so much more interesting than “FBI investigates odd science things, has great potential. The episodes that furthered that arc the most were the season highlights, showing up the standalones for the silly mistakes that they were. The ratio of good to bad episodes is tilted in the wrong direction, but even so, the bad episodes often featured some moment of trickery that justified them. The Easter Eggs, mostly involving Michael Cerveris’ cameos as jalapeno-loving curio The Observer, are always fun to look for, though again, how much the show will reward rewatching will depend on whether there are even more clues than we thought, and even more future plot twists have been foreshadowed without us even knowing it. Of course, that excludes the heavily sign-posted revelation that Peter is actually Alternate Universe Peter, a twist that was blatantly obvious very early on in the season (though I have to give props to internetter Diane Court for putting her finger on that before me). So far, though, I’m not quite sure what the lens flares mean. Is it to do with crossing back and forth from one universe to the other? Or just a test run for Abrams’ dazzlingly bright Star Trek?


Speaking of The Observer, just how cool is he? His introduction in The Arrival was the first hint that Fringe was up to something more than just solving a case a week, and captured my imagination just as I was beginning to think the show was a misfire. It’s a good thing too, as the pedigree of the showrunners promised something better than the humdrum introduction. As I am human, I tend to be more disappointed than usual when something doesn’t live up to expectations. Kurtzman and Orci get a lot of flack for their film work, and sometimes there is a point there. Their script for The Legend of Zorro was a depressing failure, and the controversy surrounding The Island is the most interesting thing about it. However, they wrote some of the very best episodes of Alias, and only someone with a heart of stone couldn’t love their Star Trek revamp. I also didn’t hate Transformers, and will not apologise for that, even if judged by God him-and/or-herself (though I reckon God loves Transformers as much as me and has also watched it four times in one week like I did last month).

I’m not sure how much input they have in the show (according to Orci’s IMDb page, they’re developing nine projects, and that’s in addition to their work on the next Star Trek movie), but hats off to them for hiding the real arc of the show for about half of the season, and for gathering together a strong team of writers and directors. Though it was sad to see X-Files legend Darin Morgan depart the show after only a few episodes, the showrunners managed to get some terrific writers like Jeff Pinkner, Zack Whedon, and J.R. Orci, and talented TV directors like Gwyneth Horder-Payton, Lost veteran Paul Edwards, and Christopher Misiano, among others. They also got Brad “Transsiberian” Anderson to direct some of the best episodes (including that excellent season finale), and, in a surprising masterstroke, brought in Akiva Goldsman. For a long time he has been loathed by cinephiles and nerds the world over for writing some of the worst movies of our time, but Bad Dreams, the episode he wrote and directed, was a taut forty-five minutes filled with creepiness, humour, and horrifyingly effective shocks. He can be extremely proud, and I can ease off the urge to scream when his name appears in credits. Give him some better projects to work on, and he might surprise even more people in future.


In the end, I like the idea of the show far more than I like the actual show. It’s extremely gruesome, which I always appreciate. It’s full of truly awful TV science, but the showrunners have at least made the mad science machines look like real world instruments – all dials and switches and rheostats – which is a lovely touch. The cast is largely forgettable except for one acting titan (Noble) and a bona fide sci fi legend (Nimoy), but I don’t really mind, even though that’s often a deal-breaker. This is your actual “damned with faint praise” review, but even though the things I love about few and far between, I still do love the show. A surprising amount as well. I can’t really explain it. Maybe it’s because it’s the sort of show I get a kick out of even when it fails, like when you buy a car against everyone’s advice just because you like the shape of it, and you can forgive it when the seats aren’t that comfortable, or there’s a weird smell that never goes away, or the windscreen wipers don’t work when they get wet. It doesn’t matter. This is the car you wanted! Sometimes that’s enough.

People used to say that Heroes was Lost for Dummies*, but in fact it is Fringe that, right now, feels like the low IQ version of Cuse and Lindelof’s epic. I don’t mean that as an insult, especially as I strongly believe that after this opening season of promising set-ups, quirky narrative experiments, and interesting concepts, the best is yet to come. Let’s hope I’m right about that, because after Lost leaves us fans bereft, with Dollhouse unlikely to make it to season three, and Goyer and Braga’s Flash Forward an unknown quantity, this might be all we have left to cling to.

* In case you were wondering, Heroes is actually Smallville for Dummies. True fact.

Don’t You Get It? Homo Superior Is The Future!

I’ve got time to kill for the first time in aeons, so hey, here’s a trailer for Push, starring alternate-reality megastar Chris Evans and my favourite candidate to play T’Challa in a Black Panther movie, Djimon Hounsou.

Yes yes, it’s just Heroes, except set in Hong Kong, but as Heroes is now officially broken, there’s room for a competent version of it. If it is competent. It might be rather dull, especially for an action thriller, considering how the trailer features lots of shots from two locations. That suggests there are only two action scenes interspersed with Dakota Fanning being super-knowledgeable and mature beyond her years. Of course, from that trailer it also looks like the “heroes” are only interested in saving one of their own, with the side effect of helping humanity just by keeping their friend out of the hands of a secret government agency. So it’s as much a rip-off of The Fury (sans John Cassavetes and his dead arm) as it is a million other things, like Firestarter and Scanners etc. etc. but, as far as we can tell, without the exploding people. You can’t have films concerning governmental abuse of psychic superheroes without exploding people! It’s like mint choc ice-cream without chunks of chocolate. Surely this is obvious.

Just to complicate matters further, The Fury is already being remade, but will it feature anything that could top this?

It’s one of the greatest endings to a movie ever filmed, and justifies the rest of the film, which is meh at best. After rewatching that scene just now I got called into a meeting about departmental restructure, during which terms such as “metadata delivery” and “upstream involvement” were bandied about, terms that my brain tries to grasp only to see them slip from my fingers like wriggling fish. It means nothing to me. I’m obviously in the wrong line of work, and it occurs to me now that surely there is an opening working for these shady governmental agencies. But how to get an interview? It’s not like they’re going to be advertising in the Telegraph, because, you know, shady. Should I have been in the army, perhaps? I’d assume that handling people who could bat you across the room with a flick of their premotor cortex is risky enough that you should know how to trepan a person with your thumbnail, and, well, I don’t. I can kill a fridge with a knife, though. [/bitter]

Maybe I could still try, somehow. With the economy in the toilet government spending is down (except when spending money on saving banks, obviously), which means that even though spending on weapons is probably going to remain high, it’ll still drop, and so that investment will have to go further. What’s a better use of money? A bunch of nukes costing trillions of dollars? Or a bunch of pasty-faced telekinetics covered in Celtic tattoos and black coats with sleeves too long? All they need to keep going are Disturbed albums and cases of Mountain Dew. Provide those, and figure out a way to demonise The Other in a way that their youthful minds can understand and react to (“They hate our freedoms,” ain’t gonna cut it), and you’ve got the cheapest army ever.

The only other investments you’ll need are in wrist restraints and tranquilizer darts (for when you need to experiment on them), and development of psychic dampener technology to stop them going apeshit if you run out of Mountain Dew, or Disturbed split up. It’s a growth industry waiting to happen, and I reckon I’ve got what it takes to jump in at ground level and make a difference. As long as my first day on the job doesn’t end like this.

Consider this my resume, Psychic Corps of the UK.

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It…

…And I feel blue. There has been a temporary blog slowdown over the last few days, and you can blame Cormac McCarthy for it. Last week I read his breathtaking novel The Road, which paints such a convincing and relentlessly bleak picture of what the world would be like during a nuclear winter that I was propelled headlong into a brainfunk of catastrophic proportions. I can’t remember the last time I read something that affected me so profoundly, though I do remember the last film that did; Cronenberg’s criminally underrated Spider, doing for my psyche what Cronenberg had previously managed with Dead Ringers many years ago.


Maybe it wasn’t just the fault of The Road. Over the last few months I have read Matt Taibbi’s The Great Derangement (the world has become completely irrational and it’s only going to get worse), Christopher Hitchens’ God Is Not Great (religious fundamentalists will be the death of us all), Scott Smith’s The Ruins (a metaphor for how we are all doomed due to our ignorance and fear of facing our responsibilities, and a shit-scary horror classic to boot), and Larry Elliott and Dan Atkinson’s The Gods That Failed (a lengthy and eloquent rant about the forthcoming economic Armageddon that will make paupers of us all). The cumulative effect of all this bleak reading material is to make me even more pessimistic than I previously was.

Maybe if I had followed The Gods That Failed with Thomas Frank’s The Wrecking Crew as planned, I might only be very miserable instead of emotionally washed-out, but it too will be a sobering and downbeat read, even taking into account Frank’s deadpan wit. Instead, plumping for McCarthy’s novel might have been the worst choice possible. It’s all because photos of the adaptation hit the internet last week, showing Viggo Mortenson as the unnamed dad trudging across a blasted and ash-strewn hellscape with his son in tow, waiting for death to take them both before they fall to the hands of marauding cannibal rapists. Well, the photos only showed Viggo looking really miserable, so I went into the book not realising how well McCarthy would paint a picture of a world utterly without hope. Or colour. The inside of my head has been the same ash-gray since finishing the book which, incidentally, I did as quickly as I could in order to get it over and done with.


Though I’m sure most people stumbling across this blog have already read The Road, if you haven’t I hesitate to recommend it due to the overwhelmingly negative empathic reaction I had to it. On a non-emotive level I definitely would recommend it. McCarthy is operating at the peak of his phenomenal powers, and with spare poetic prose creates an utterly convincing post-apocalyptic nightmare that has been designed with such rigour that there is no room for hope or optimism (I won’t include spoilers that might or might not ultimately qualify that statement. Those who have read The Road will have their own ideas about whether that statement is true or not). It is a totally convincing scenario, and thanks to McCarthy’s incredible descriptive facility, there is no escape from his vision of hell on earth. It felt like a mantrap had grabbed onto my soul. So yeah, stunning book, and one everyone should read, but if you don’t feel like being really really glum for several days after, skip it.

So, even though I’m not the type to shy away from potentially downbeat material, I figured I needed to take a break from fiction or non-fiction making serious points about how fucked up the world is. Maybe spending the whole weekend watching pretty much the whole third season of The Shield wasn’t the best move, but even though it featured nervous breakdowns, beloved characters either killing animals or beating each other almost to the brink of death, rape (perpetrated upon both male and female), dismemberment, moral compromise, racism, homophobia, systemic corruption, unrelenting tension, violence, and a bleak vision of urban decay, at least it was occasionally funny, plotted with astonishing precision, and was never less than riveting. A rewatching of Zoolander was more calming, as was a viewing of the last five episodes of Venture Brothers season three, which would have been an unqualified uplifting triumph if the last two minutes of the finale didn’t make me so sad (stupid Doc Hammer and Jackson Publick making me unhappy with the shock ending!).


Nevertheless, the sadness has yet to pass, even with the best efforts of Canyon to cheer me up, which could be evidence that my soul has been tainted by the power of McCarthy’s prose even unto its core. After spending some time pootling around the excellent Quiet Earth website, which is devoted to post-apocalyptic sci fi fiction, I realised that that kind of dystopian sci fi can either be depressing (The Road) or kinda fun (they linked to news that a director’s cut of the exuberantly daft and entertaining Waterworld is being released, which was one of the few things over the last few days that has cheered me up, and all the Waterworld haters out there can kiss it). As a result, I have gone out of my way to experience less harrowing dystopic sci fi over the last couple of days, in an effort to replace McCarthy’s harrowing vision with something that doesn’t make me despair, and I shall spend the rest of the week discussing my efforts. If that doesn’t appeal to our readers, apologies, but seriously, it beats moaning about Mike Leigh again, folks.

Frightfest: Where I Make A Fool Of Myself

Those lovely chaps at Film 4 are currently hosting Frightfest in the West End, which features numerous interesting film choices, including Frank Henenlotter’s Bad Biology, the UK premieres of The Strangers and Paul W.S. Anderson’s Death Race, and the poorly distributed Midnight Meat Train, which probably won’t reach our shores until it’s on DVD, thanks to some truly perplexing choices by Lionsgate. It’s a crying shame it’s been treated so bad, though my condolences go to poor Clive Barker, whose film career never really took off (and yes, I am one of the few who would have loved to see a sequel to Nightbreed). That said, Ryuhei Kitamura is responsible for at least one appalling movie that I wish I had never seen (Versus), and I’ve not yet seen anything else by him (an attempt at Azumi faltered about twenty minutes in out of sheer boredom), so who knows if it would be any good? Hopefully he has improved a lot. If anyone has any reliable info on that, let me know.


Due to time constraints, I have only managed to get a ticket to see Los Cronocrímenes, aka Time Crimes, written and directed by Nacho Vigalondo, the man responsible for the Oscar-nominated short 7:35 de la mañana. Time Crimes revolves (and I mean that in the temporal sense) around Hector (played by an increasingly confused Karra Elejalde), a man whose nosiness is piqued by the sight of a woman (Bárbara Goenaga) undressing in the woods near his new house. Upon investigating Hector is assaulted by a mysterious man in a long coat and a pink bandage around his head. It’s an arresting image, but sadly it makes the strange attacker look like a camp Darkman, a realisation that robbed the character of some of his menace.


Chased by this crazed slasher, Hector hides within a nearby complex, and from that point on, “things” happen, “things” I cannot reveal for fear of ruining the film. I will say that while I enjoyed it a lot (and it becomes pleasantly twisty at about the halfway point), it suffers in comparison to Shane Carruth’s Primer, easily the most head-bending time-travel movie yet made. That film will confound me forever more, I reckon, and as a result I’m still not sure how much emotional power it has. It’s such a perplexing movie, almost alien in its savant-like dedication to its own obscure rules, that it might be really moving behind all of the cognitive dazzle, but it might not. Guess I should watch it again. And again and again and again and again and again.


Time Crimes, while more conventional than Carruth’s experimental mindfuck, wears its capacity for emotional manipulation more readily on its sleeve, and yet the final moments, while pleasingly circular, don’t convey the shock I think they are meant to, undercutting them with a teeny bit of humour (of which there is quite a bit throughout). Certainly Hector’s resignation to the whims of fate struck me as a bit too comical, and I appreciate that is no kind of criteria to judge a film by, but that’s how I have to call it this time. It’s still an impressive movie, and I recommend it without hesitation, especially as the time twisting plot is presented very clearly and has been thought through with great rigour, but I couldn’t help but keep wondering what the rumoured Cronenberg remake will be like. I can imagine he would make it even more clinical, but perhaps the final twist will be more shocking. Who can say? We don’t even know that he’s making it, after all.


So, to why I made a fool of myself. The festival is partly curated by film critic Alan Jones, whose reviews were hugely important to me when I was a kid. His erudition and enthusiasm for all genres treated by the mainstream as beneath contempt gave me enormous pleasure, and shaped my viewing habits to a great extent. There are innumerable movies that I have chased down as a result of his recommendations, and my love of film can be at least partly attributed to him. After leaving the screening, I saw him deep in conversation with other noted genre critic Kim Newman, and even though I didn’t want to be a jerk I still decided to be rude and interrupt. Though I feel bad about that, I had to shake Alan Jones’ hand and tell him how much his work had meant to me. Sadly, as I do not react well in situations where I have to think fast while nervous, my speech about his wonderful criticism and support for the horror and sci fi genres ended up sounding like this.

I also feel a bit bad for not saying anything to Kim Newman, but then I’m still pissed at the drubbing he gave Alien 3 on release. Two stars out of five? Looks like it was filmed through a bowl of oxtail soup? Yeah, I still remember that, sonny, and I can hold a real grudge. That grudge does not remove the embarrassment of the encounter though. Blurg.

Did You See That? That. Just. Happened.(ing)


On Saturday a group of intrepid cinemagoers, comprising myself, Canyon, baggylettuce and decca (these are all our real names, btw), risked brain death by seeing The Happening, the last installment in M. Night Shyamalan’s Career Destruction trilogy. If I had to judge between them, it was not as horrible as Lady In The Water, which was deranged and mean and vindictive and crushingly stupid, whereas The Happening was just bad and silly. As a former fan of Shyamalan, it was kinda bittersweet to see this nonsense play out in such an insipid, half-hearted fashion, and I have to admit I’m worried that my feelings about it have been coloured by the outpouring of negative reviews since its release (I gather press screenings were rare to non-existent). I mean, I really liked the premise, and remember getting excited about it a while back even though I had recently seen Lady In The Water and had been appalled. Sadly, that premise might be great, but really it’s only as good as the execution, and that is where the pain comes in. Pain like this.


I’ll be going into spoiler territory from now on, so back away if you don’t want to know what happens, but believe me, the movie doesn’t actually go anywhere. Here’s a quick unspoilery wrap up. The principals are all terrible. There’s less blood than in most 12/PG-rated movies. It’s short but feels long. Nothing much happens. Tak Fujimoto takes some nice shots of trees under an oppressive pale sky. Respected Broadway actress Betty Buckley turns up in the final couple of reels and gives a memorable performance with almost Fiona-Shaw-in-The-Black-Dahlia levels of WTF. It’s great. Nothing else is. It just sort of runs out of energy at about the 80 minute mark, and wraps up not long after that.

———Here be spoilers————

So why does it go wrong? It’s mostly the direction, though the script squanders that terrific premise at every opportunity. I’m not a knee-jerk hater of Shyamalan, though. I have greatly enjoyed some of his movies, and even his failures often have something to like (Lady In The Water‘s photography by Christopher Doyle is stunning, and Shyamalan’s compositions are lovely). He can do mood very well, and he can do suspense, and he can do dread. In fact, at some points of The Sixth Sense, Signs, and Unbreakable (my personal favourite Shyamalan movie, a film I absolutely adore), there are moments that are as creepy and unsettling as anything Hideo Nakata has put on film.

I think even The Village approached that kind of calm fear, but sadly by then he has begun to drag the timing of those moments out too far. It’s all in the amount of time you leave the audience dangling, and while comic timing relies on microseconds of pause, horror deals in seconds approaching minutes, and Shyamalan started making the audience wait way too long for release. The longer you have to look at people standing stock still with a goofy look on their face while a man in a red cloak with twigs for fingers wanders around in the background (for example), the fear turns to laughter, and by now Shyamalan has accidentally reset the timer in his head so that he can’t judge where the horror/accidental humour line is.


In The Happening, nothing is scary. The timing is utterly haywire, and even if it was working, the scary elements are already too dumb to work with. I salute the man for being willing to risk ridicule to create his weird vision, but sadly it can go horribly wrong. The doofy looking alien getting killed with water and baseball bats at the end of Signs, the Menacing Cloakman from The Village, and my favourite of all, Freddy Rodriguez With A Rubber Arm in Lady In The Water; they all go just a little too far and end up looking silly. Add to that the unfortunate slow pace, which also makes Shyamalan’s movies look pretentious and self-important, and it’s impossible to take them seriously, especially when he seems to give his characters Stephen-King-style mannerisms and phrases, of which the best has to be Wahlberg’s self-immolating “Be scientific, douchebag!”

While Lady In The Water is worse because it is also a temper-tantrum disguised as a kid’s movie, The Happening is sillier and funnier because Shyamalan has created a movie where the characters are scared of the wind, and where 20% of the movie is shots of trees being as threatening as, well, trees. And not even creepy trees, just normal trees. It’s just not scary. I live near trees and a large patch of grass (which is apparently endangered, so we’re talking about potentially angry grass), and yesterday it was windy. I walked to the shops yesterday, and did I suddenly think, “Oh God, please don’t kill me, foliage!”? Nope. Litmus test failed.


Yes, if you’ve not heard already, the central idea is that Gaia is pissed at humans, and its minions, aka plants, are trying to send a warning to us to straighten-up and fly right by using deadly suicide-inducing toxins to kill off large groups of people in order to make us think twice about polluting the planet. Or something. As the toxins only appear on the US East Coast and, at the end of the movie, Paris, it’s possible they also hate liberals, museum-goers, and people who eat croissants. Does this mean that people living in desert countries are safe? Considering how bad the pollution in Texas is, it’s not the most verdant of states, and so it might be left off the hook. And what if Al Gore was visiting New York? Stupid plants!

As we’re talking about a completely different species here, one that cannot communicate with us, the motivations are unclear, which works on one level, and fails on another, namely that the film seems to think that because science cannot answer everything, it’s not really the answer to our problems, that some things are bigger than us. I’m not sure that was Shyamalan’s goal, though his reliance on wishy-washy spiritualism tends to suggest he does. The finale, which features a scientist on TV having his theories of deadly plants dismissed by some gobshite pundit, was especially annoying. It’s fair to say that it would be pretty easy to prove plants did it, but instead Shyamalan has a heavy-handed point to be make about post-9/11 paranoia and how it is making people irrational (a point made with much greater effect in The Mist).

So, that’s silly, but what about the chilling effects of the toxin? There was real potential there for some creepy moments, but they only work once or twice (the weird headbutting attacks of the crazy old lady at the end of the film were half-horrible, half-hilarious). Some have asked why the toxins make people kill themselves and not just go on a rampage, which is more dramatic, but Shyamalan has to maintain that deathly pace, and 28 Days Later-style chaos would not work (plus we’ve seen stuff like that before, as far back as early Cronenberg and Romero films). The very very slow suicides we see here are in keeping with his usual style, even though his much-vaunted R-rated horror events translate into a bit of blood-spurting and quick cuts away from the actual moment of death, just in case we get mortally upset by the sight of nasty things. While I’m not saying the movie would have been improved by gore dripping from the lens, the cowardice of it seems to hint that Shyamalan has lost the ability to deal with adults and adult themes.


Compare the squeamishness here with Unbreakable, which featured a violent, murdering sadist, as well as a nausea-inducing scene with Samuel L. Jackson breaking most of his bones as he falls down a flight of stairs. That moment, with the brittle-boned Mr. Glass tumbling down an endlessly long staircase, was preceded by a shot of his glass cane hitting the floor and breaking into hundreds of pieces, and I suspect the current Shyamalan would have just shown that. An admittedly elegant way to avoid nastiness, but the original scene is incredible, horrifying, utterly visceral. Going with the single shot of his cane might let the scene work on the nerves of the audience by making them imagine it, but could they come up with anything as horrifying as what actually happens in the scene? It’s something that critics agonise about, whether it’s right to show the horror or not, but certainly in the case of The Happening, it really needs something more than the vanilla violence we get. Without a frisson of menace in the movie, a sense of the scale of what is happening and the toll it is taking on everyone, there is no movie there. The odd shot of corpses dangling from trees aside, it’s devoid of power. Plus, the sight of groups of people walking slowly backwards would destroy even Hitchcock-level suspense.

Unbreakable also featured moments of relationship drama that seemed kinda stilted (in the way that Shyamalan’s conversation scenes often do) and yet still real, as Bruce Willis’ superheroic character tries to reconnect with his son and wife. The new Shyamalan now has Zooey Deschanel inexplicably being seemingly autistic, and having a torrid affair behind Mark Wahlberg’s back with someone called Joey that drives her almost insane with guilt. Well, I say “torrid affair”, when actually I mean “innocent meeting which involved eating some tiramisu”. That’s the extent of her infidelity. Oh, and who plays Joey? His one word of dialogue, on the phone, is spoken by Shyamalan himself. So, not only is he the most important writer who ever lived in Lady In The Water, he’s also hott enough to make Zooey “Blank” Deschanel consider straying from Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg, people! That’s some hottness Shyamalan’s got right there.


So it’s bad. It’s really really bad. But I still like that central idea, and think it could, somehow, have been turned into a better movie if not held back by the hubris and self-regarding idiocy of its creator. After seeing it, we ate some sausage and mash and came up with some ways in which it would have been a better movie, and this is what we reckon.

  • At several stages throughout the movie, Mark Wahlberg rattles on and on about his mood ring, which is what he used to woo Zooey all those years before. It goes nowhere, except to give them something to talk about later when reconciling. Instead, considering the plants are silently trying to kill humanity, Wahlberg could try to communicate with them by putting the ring on a tree branch and asking it what it wants, with the colours of the ring being the responses. (I actually thought this would happen, so clearly was it telegraphed).
  • When people get encrazied by the toxins, they sometimes repeat things or say nonsensical phrases, of which my favourite was, “Calculus! Calculus!” At the end, I was really hoping the French crazies would refer to, “Le Calculus!” Instead, Shyamalan uses his first grade French to have the guy say, “Mon bicyclette”, which is not as surreal, and not in keeping with the film’s peculiar anti-science slant (ironic considering Wahlberg saves everyone by using science, the douchebag).
  • Only one plant wants to help humanity; marijuana! The crazy old lady is growing it under hot lamps in her basement, and our heroes smoke up a big bag of it, thus making them immune to the toxins.
  • The weird hotdog man has hotdog trees in his greenhouse, like in Pee-Wee’s Big Top.
  • Change the title to “Did Gaia Just Fart On My Face?”
  • As soon as Wahlberg has decided it really is the plants killing humans with deathcooties, he should liberally use the word “Grassassins”.
  • Trees and shrubs = boring. Ents and triffids = awesome. More of that, please.
  • Zooey Deschanel’s reveal of her “torrid affair” with Joey and his elaborate desserts is obviously meant to be a big deal, though all it does show is that our heroes have the emotional maturity of Smurfs. Wahlberg’s response to her reveal, that he had recently bought cough syrup from an attractive woman in a pharmacy even though he didn’t even have a cough, is cloyingly vanilla (certainly in the middle of a ZOMG R-Rated movie!!!), so it might have worked better if, when Zooey Deschanel asks, “Is that true?” Wahlberg said, “No. Actually I went back behind the counter and banged the shit out of her for three hours straight, and it was awesome, and then we covered ourselves with cough syrup, and we was humping and just rollin’ around in ‘Tussin! It was so much better than all that cuddling we do. However, ironically, I’ve had a cough ever since.”
  • Most importantly, what about explaining why John Lequizamo hates Zooey Deschanel so much. He’s relentlessly nasty and hostile just because she’s a bit distant? I can agree, it annoyed us a lot, but still, we wouldn’t be nasty to her. She has such a lovely singing voice, after all.
  • That said, why were her pupils so small? Canyon wondered if she has glaucoma or something. Hopefully she’ll have that seen to.
  • The actual Happening itself ends with the plants deciding to stop being deadly at a specific time, thus making the events of the movie nothing more than a warning, a prelude to another, deadlier attack. That only even slightly works because our heroes, who are separated from each other in different buildings but able to communicate thanks to a tube running between them (a tube that is mentioned earlier with the clumsiest exposition of the year), decide to end it all by walking out into the deadly grass, even though they have an innocent child with them, only for the Happening to stop happening, thus saving them at the last second. Bullshit. If I’d made this movie, an enormous rock head would have risen from the ground, a manifestation of Gaia that just happens to look exactly like James Lovelock, and as our heroes watch, terrified, its huge stony mouth opens, and says, “Don’t tread on me, man!’ Whoa.
  • I also thought about creating a Happening drinking game, but it seems Film School Rejects has beaten me to it, but there is scope to expand it a bit. Take a gulp of booze whenever:

  • Tree moves (two gulps if it is plastic and inside a house with no visible draft).
  • Someone is improbably mean to someone else for no reason (two gulps if no one does anything about it). This includes Deschanel’s relentless snippiness towards Wahlberg.
  • A vaguely scary moment gets dragged out too long and ruins the suspense (two gulps if someone half opens a door and waits to open it the rest of the way, just to drag it out longer).
  • Someone unleashes a stream of ugly exposition because the writer/director has forgotten how to tell a story visually.
  • Mark Wahlberg uses science like a douchebag (two gulps if no one listens to him).
  • Someone is about to die horribly, and the shot cuts away right at the last second (four gulps if you actually see something unpleasant).
  • Someone says they can’t contact anyone anywhere, which is a great trailer shot that makes it seem like the world is ending, but in actual fact the majority of the world is just fine and contact is re-established in the next scene.
  • Mark Wahlberg says, “Event,” or, “Happening” in a sentence (this might actually overload your liver).
  • Three gulps if:

  • Mark Wahlberg’s voice goes weirdly high for no reason.
  • Hotdogs are mentioned.
  • John Leguizamo uses math, douchebag.
  • A child talks like an adult.
  • Someone on TV overacts terribly.
  • Finish your drink if:

  • Someone screams at the camera and waves their fist at it.
  • You realise you could be watching The Birds or Spielberg’s War of the Worlds instead, as this is practically the same film, except neutered and stupid.
  • A character, who knows plants are deadly, has plants in her house just so there can be some contrived tension in the final scene.
  • You realise Stephen King has written a dozen books that are just like this, but you enjoyed those even with his weird authorial quirks.
  • You expect that the negativity surrounding this film severely dents the chances of Fernando Meirelles’ adaptation of the novel Blindness making money in the US as it’s kinda similar.
  • Finish all the drinks in your house if:

  • You find out that even though it has a terrible reputation, and people thought it would fail horribly, it’s actually well on its way to becoming profitable, mostly because it’s relatively cheap for a summer film and groups of people are going to see it because they heard it was this year’s Wicker Man. Which it almost is. Though there are a notable absence of BEES! BEES IN MY EYES! GRARGLE BLURG FLUMF!
  • That’s right, people. Looks like we’ll still be getting a very very slow-moving version of Avatar: The Last Airbender after all.