A Very Specific Kind Of Wonderful

The ever-besieged BBC is currently earning its keep by showing two ambitious series about music; The Sound and the Fury, which focuses on the composers of the 20th Century, and is part of a festival held in London’s Southbank inspired by Alex Ross’ The Rest Is Noise, and Howard Goodall’s Story of Music which takes on an even more daunting task, that of attempting to show how Western music has developed over centuries. Goodall’s series has been viewed with some critical complaint; while The Sound and the Fury attempts to make relatively popular 20th Century composers like Glass, Pärt and Reich more accessible to a sceptical public, knowledgeable critics have viewed Goodall’s series as too light, too sprawling to provide true insight into the evolution of the form, or how music is created. (I always assumed it was something like this.)

Which, if you’ll forgive the outburst, is hot bollocks.[1] To those who have grown up in an environment in which the progression in musical theory and artistic complexity from Bach to Mozart to Beethoven is part of a balanced and thorough education, all of this might seem obvious, but it’s all new to me, and talk of minor thirds and intervals, harmonic progressions and the Circle of Fifths, equal temperament and twelve-tone serialism, has been fascinating. For those of us unlucky enough to have been put off from learning about such things due to financial contraints in childhood, this has been public-service broadcasting at its best, and Howard Goodall’s populist but challenging commentary is perfectly pitched. I’ve learned more about music in the last month than in all the years before it (that’s a lot of years; don’t bother asking for further clarification on that).

A couple of weeks ago Goodall compared the works of Liszt and Wagner, semi-contemporaries working at different ends of the musical, emotional spectrum. He discussed the idea of music inspired by Impressionism, operas or symphonic poems that would conjure up specific emotions or images, telling stories through use of leitmotif and thematic transformation, narrative provided through repetition and symbolism. This was the programme that was running through my head, sustained by a hastily Spotified Tannhäuser, as I walked into the cinema to watch Terrence Malick’s To The Wonder, and it became impossible to separate the new ideas planted in my head by Goodall from the overwhelmingly emotional and evocative vision so expertly created by the elusive filmmaker.

Reviews of To The Wonder will inevitably struggle to describe the seemingly amorphous movie, a collage of imagery almost entirely without dialogue. Nevertheless, the Wikipedia synopsis — “A romantic drama centered on an American man who reconnects with a woman from his hometown after his marriage to a European woman falls apart” — is misleading. I’ve seen this elsewhere and can’t help but be repeatedly astonished. Yes, Malick is interested in much more than just one story about one relationship; this is a film about all relationships, between lovers, between a single person and his fellow humans, between the earthly and the divine, as you would expect from the great man. Yet it’s worth noting that in trying to boil this complex tapestry down to a line you would assume this is specifically a film about a man and his relationships, when in fact the film begins and ends with Olga Kurylenko’s Marina[2], a woman who is in almost every shot of the movie except for a small section about a third of the way through, and whose voiceover is the viewer’s companion for almost the film’s entirety. But then I guess she’s not the biggest star in the film.

Affleck plays Neil, a nearly mute geologist who we first see on holiday in France with Marina, both deeply in love with each other, joyfully travelling to the island fortress/commune of Mont St. Michel in Normandy. From here we see them and Marina’s daughter Tatiana (from a previous, broken marriage) move to Neil’s home in the American Midwest, where the relationship falters for reasons unspecified, though intuitively experienced by the audience; more on that in a moment. Marina and Tatiana leave, and Neil rekindles a romance with Jane (Rachel McAdams, whose role amounts to an extended cameo; sorry, McAdams fans). It’s not long before Neil’s hesitance and sense of duty to Marina leads to him abandoning Jane and marrying his former lover, who returns to the US with legal documentation on her side. The rest of the film details the ups and downs of their relationship, while a subplot about a priest (Javier Bardem) struggling with his faith plays alongside.

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This sounds plotted, in the sense of depicting a series of events in a temporally ordered, causal fashion, but this is all conveyed without dialogue and using only elliptical voiceovers ruminating on faith and love (with dashes of exposition added here or there to cover patches of unseen time or untranslatable legal concepts such as visa laws). Malick’s use of visual symbolism to convey plot reminded me of Carlos Reygadas’ Post Tenebras Lux (which, in turn, reminded me of The Tree of Life), an interesting film which dealt with the terrifying impotent reactions of men to the unknown in nature and femininity. It too told its story through a web of imagery and juxtapositions, mocking the pretensions of modern civilisation in a world of ferocious hostility, but without a recognisable A-B-C narrative structure the effort to unravel Reygadas’ meaning took its toll. As an intellectual exercise Post Tenebras Lux is fascinating, but it’s also almost defiantly obtuse, almost alienating. This was my best effort at parsing it.

The same mental effort was expended in trying to come up with a coherent theory of what Malick was trying to do in To The Wonder, even more so than with The Tree of Life, with its cosmic scope balanced with the intimacy of its main thread; the cold vastness of the universe compared to the emotional failings of an aloof father, the possibility of redemption for men broken by a lack of nurturing, the pain that exists in a human contrasted with the gargantuan geological timespan and the trip from birth to a time beyond time, an afterlife in which God’s love exists as the only truth. As Malick spends much of Tree of Life layering together imagery in a pretty straightforward way — galactic segues notwithstanding — it offers easily-digestible narrative without much guidance. It’s there if you’re willing to look for it.

To The Wonder is arguably even more impressionistic. It lacks The Tree of Life‘s epic scope, taking a slice of time from four lives and showing their emotional and intellectual struggle through allusion, both visual and aural.[3] Drilling down into the human, which some might say is, in comparison to the breadth of Tree of Life, relatively trivial, might account for much of the criticism levelled at this. I can understand that. And yet I realised at the mid-point of the movie that as I struggled to interpret every repeated motif as metaphor hinting at grand themes, Malick’s mastery of the form was such that the actual plot of the movie was clear enough to follow without prompting; without any effort expended, even. Scale no longer mattered, thanks to this elegance, this precision. The story was laid as if colours were being painted onto my mind, a picture forming without me even realising. Whereas direct storytellers impart information through action and in-film communication, Malick was telling a story through movement, light, colour and music.

This form of storytelling is no doubt nothing new, but to someone (i.e. me) who is trying to write #TheProject — a heavily-plotted and comparatively conventional trilogy with criss-crossing arcs and broadly drawn characters and themes — it’s intriguing to see Inferential Narrative done to this extent, as an experiment in how far Malick can take the method. While Reygadas’ movie was so cold that attempting to engage with it was like chipping away at a block of ice, Malick’s movie is warm and encompassing, even if it isn’t the wishy-washy meditation on love and God of popular misconception. Mood is here conveyed through precise composition or movement of actor and camera in clearly realised spaces, or by changes in lighting or colour tone, or ambient sound mixed with a range of beautifully evocative pieces by Shostakovich or Dvořák or Górecki; characters or places as notes, scenes as refrains, narrative as symphony.[4]

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These techniques obviously aren’t unique to Malick, and to be honest it’s the least you’d expect from a real filmmaker, but by stripping away dialogue[5] and using only blunt metaphor mixed with inference he’s proving that that’s all you need, and this technique can create moments of incredible power; more than once I found myself moved to tears without understanding why this was happening. While my mind whirred in an attempt to find a pattern in this montage, Malick had reached into my heart and squeezed. All this in a movie about some really kinda selfish and lost people who almost defy sympathy, whose misunderstandings and heightened expectations are raised to an operatic level by Malick’s attentions. We have no need of the cosmic in this film; Malick’s eye and ear are enough to transform mundane inspections about the modern mind into something transcendental. This unapologetic approach is something his detractors mock, but if you’re able to tune into his wavelength the result can be insight, emotion, even awe.

Initial reports of audience reactions to this movie were mixed — if you wish to be forgiving — though it has received more than its fair share of dismissive mocking; Malick’s sincerity seemed to only be accepted by some viewers when matched with a sporadic output. Familiarity has now bred contempt. It doesn’t help that the arguably shapeless nature of the narrative, coupled with a greater knowledge of Malick’s seemingly unformed and random filming process, has led to charges that he’s lazily filming people aimlessly walking around and then editing it together with a voiceover to give some kind of structure. There’s a case to be made for that, though I’d argue that the shot of Neil, now alone in his sparsely-decorated and suddenly shadow-filled house following Marina and Tatiana’s departure, walking past a dipping bird at the bottom of the frame, shows there is purpose here. Call this an obvious metaphor for Neil’s inability to break out of a pattern if you want, but don’t also accuse Malick of making it up as he goes along.

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Some good articles have been written about it as well, none more thrilling than Bilge Ebiri’s excellent theory in which he suggests that the continual movement of the characters is evidence that To The Wonder is to be considered as a ballet. Certainly this is suggested directly within the film; at one point Marina handles a pair of ballet shoes. It also makes sense when you see the numerous pirouettes performed by Marina and Tatiana (and, if memory serves me, Jane too), and with these three women moving around Neil in a pas de deux. These movements are dialogues or monologues, often with only a few different phrases — twirling as expressions of ecstatic joy, movement around other people as either borne of compassion or rejection, movement in rooms either as explorations of new surroundings or the pacing of trapped animals. With these few phrases Malick creates a complex and intuitive visual language, and instinctively we understand the evolution of the relationships, helped by his use of light and shadow, the changing of his palette from soft golds to flat browns to cold blues or greens.

(From this point on I’m going to get into specifics about the plot and what I think Malick’s movie means, so if you want to see it without this interpretation rattling around in your head then progress no further. I’ll just say this about the movie and then you can leave; To The Wonder represents the most pure expression of Malick’s filmmaking philosophy to date, and if you haven’t enjoyed his last few films then perhaps avoid this one too. But I’d argue that exposure to this full-on burst of Malickian methodology is worthwhile just on a technical level — the photography by Emmanuel Lubezki is breathtaking, and Erik Aadahl’s sound design is intelligent and does wonders in establishing tone or hinting at details unspoken — and to see Olga Kurylenko’s expressive physicality pretty much carry the film. As time wears on I realise what an interesting but oft-ill-served actress she has become, and hope that she finds challenging projects in future.)

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Beyond those elements are the specific visual signifiers and contrasts, starting with a quest for ecstasy — either religious or emotional — and eventually depicting depression borne of captivity as euphoria’s diametral state. At the start of the film we see Marina and Neil drive to Mont St. Michel, where they ascend stairs to reach the Cloister — this being La Merveille, aka The Wonder, of the title. This is during the first flush of love, the moment in their relationship during which they will feel the most overwhelming emotions, that lift the spirit up from the body, as shown by the continual upward pans of the camera, repeatedly leaving the ground to look up to the sky. The two lovers keep touching the things around them, as if holding themselves down to prevent them from flying up into the heavens; two people made weightless by the power of their feelings. This sets up the Wonder as the thing that all the characters want to get to, and though they manage it from time to time, they will ultimately be thwarted. This is not a sentimental film about the wonder of love; this is an exploration of the futility of chasing transient feelings of joy.

From then on Malick’s camera no longer pans up to the sky; Neil and Marina’s European sojourn ends and they move from the verticals of Europe to the horizontals of the Midwest, and though we see wide expanses of fields with a bright orange sun perpetually trapped in the Golden Hour, whenever the camera looks up from the ground we cut to shots of the sky, partially blocked by buildings or phone-lines, or criss-crossed with parabolic contrails, mocking the earthbound protagonists. While Mont St Michel is depicted — unexpectedly, and arguably as a critique of religion[6] — as a blue monument to God in the middle of a wet grey landscape, with only a flash of rose-red colour, Marina and Tatiana now find themselves in a world in which life is mocked by the garish colours of a supermarket, here filmed as a kind of funhouse for the young girl; anyone who has lived in Europe for most of their life will recognise the discombobulation experienced upon walking down rainbow aisles of American products, the eye unable to land on any one thing thanks to the dizzying abundance.

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Discombobulation is the key to this sequence. Marina and Tatiana struggle to adjust to the differences, to the wide world they find themselves in. There are almost no stairs here, and when there are they aren’t ascended together; instead they serve to show separation between Neil and Marina as their love sours. Even after Marina returns to Paris those skies are gone; we see her depression manifest in rainy night-time skies, the organic shapes of the old-Europe buildings replaced with La Grande Arche de la Défense. Malick isn’t done yet, though. The holy place in which Marina attempts to find solace upon returning to America is the church in which she finds Father Quintana, and even here the bright colours of the stained-glass windows evoke those consumerist distractions; religion as product, detached from nature, empty of deeper meaning, depicted earlier as drizzly grey but nonetheless genuine godliness. Marina has experienced the Wonder once, and as Quintana battles with his fading faith, so too does Marina on both the spiritual and emotional planes, battling to return to that state of grace.

By this point in the film Malick has started to increase the frequency of his most important visual component; the prison. In the midst of this natural beauty he adds grids, fences, the framework on which bleachers sit, tiled floors and suchlike. We see cattle held in pens, we see Jane offer her hands up to Neil for binding with a rope (with the statement, “I trust you”), and when Marina returns to the US to marry Neil for the purposes of obtaining a visa their “wedding” is held in a courtroom, surrounded by prisoners in handcuffs signing documents. The couple moves to a new house surrounded by a high fence, within which Marina paces relentlessly.[7] The sunlight which Malick has tried to equate with ecstasy and/or freedom is now filtered through windows and blinds, replaced with artificial light; one short sequence shows Neil and Marina turning lights on and off, followed by a montage of houses and streetlights filling patches of dark with their fake luminescence. The human need to conquer the natural order of things with an approximation of true glory, and only finding small solace in the inevitable blackness.

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It’s not just physical fences that bind these characters. Marina tells Quintana early in the film that she has already had one marriage go sour, and as a result she can no longer take communion. She is separated from the experience of receiving Christ, and despairs because of this. Her ability to stay in the US is curtailed by the expiration of her Visa, and she can only return with the help of Neil, who by this point has found what might be happiness — Wonder — with Jane. Nevertheless, for some reason, probably some sense of honour as much as it could be love, he leaves Jane and marries Marina, allowing her back. Whatever the reason, this is something that constrains him as much as any law does. He mutely accepts this obligation, even as he reinforces the shackles that hold Marina to him; twice in the movie we see him with tools in his hands, either when adding shutters to the windows of the house, or maintaining that all-important fence.

But it’s the act of being in a couple that seems to pen the characters in most of all, with Neil’s efforts to maintain the relationship with Marina causing the greatest unhappiness. Malick’s treatment of this man is curious; instead of being a protagonist he’s almost the antagonist, getting in the way of Marina’s evolution. Even more interesting is how he’s shot; usually from the same height as Marina, most often appearing onscreen as a chin or a back, infrequently in full view as he towers over his lovers or prowls the streets, investigating the pollution of the town’s groundwater and failing to provide comfort to those who live there, much as Quintana walks through the town, ineffectually trying to help the people living in the most impoverished areas. Malick treats Neil like some kind of unknowable monolith, only really showing him full-on, face smack in the centre of the frame, during a sermon from Quintana about Jesus helping those who act. Neil cannot act. As Marina says in voiceover later in the film, he can only wait for others to act to release him from things, and this proves to be true. His inaction holds everyone back.[8]

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But is it Neil’s inability to act that ruins his relationships? Or is it the act of being in love itself? Running alongside the other themes of imprisonment and transcendence is the idea that we corrupt things of nature or beauty. Quintana, in talking about love, acts as if it is a curse we cannot escape; “You shall love, whether you like it or not.” Our lives are wrecked by it, just as we wreck our environment, or each other. Neil investigates the pollution of a town by workers who rip the ground up and add lead and cadmium to the water — and, in a perfect example of his uselessness, we see him react to one man’s tale of woe involving his house being made unlivable by the work with the words, “That’s too bad”. Marina falls ill and fears that she’ll have to have a hysterectomy, only to find that an IUD is poisoning her body, depicted here as similar to a broken cross on an x-ray. During the course of the film she takes two lovers; each of them have bodies marked by tattoos.[9]

Purity of the spirit is made impossible by our actions; the uncertainty principle that leads to us chasing our tails and losing sight of the important things. Is the mind and its insatiable need to look for explanations to inexplicable things the problem? Is happiness ever attainable? Can we ever improve things for ourselves, or will our restlessness doom this endeavour and everything we try to do to fix things? Neil never improves anything; he makes everyone unhappy, cannot help the townsfolk, and doesn’t even seem to come up with a solution to the unnamed company’s polluting. Additionally Quintana’s ability to help people is affected by his over-intellectualising, which renders his faith next-to-useless. Only near the end does he rediscover his ability to help the decrepit and decaying townsfolk, his ambivalence cured by his decision to leave the place that he has grown to resent, even as Neil wrestles with the decision to leave Marina.

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This corruption of the spirit, this sense of obligation to stay with people or places that hold a person back, is the poison of the soul that prevents a person from finding that Wonder once more. In that sense this movie, derided as being some frippery about the nature of love, is actually searching for answers as to whether tying yourself to another person or place is healthy. Is marriage — love governed by rules both legal and religious — anathema to true intimacy and joy? Malick seems ambivalent about the idea of loyalty to others if that compromises your own emotional growth, and punishes Neil for his decision to help Marina, even if she would fare even worse without his help. We also never get clarification on whether Jane would make Neil any more happy than Marina; a woman who, along with Quintana, is out-of-place, eager to keep looking for the love of God but unable to due to society’s laws or a foolish sense of duty. Hell, Marina is, for much of the second half of the movie, so depressed she dresses almost exclusively in black, mourning the person she once was.

To The Wonder might be even more than a critique of marriage. Is Malick saying that we are wrong to try to recreate the true beauty of God’s love — which is what I took sunlight to represent here, usually fleetingly glimpsed trying to reach us through obstacles — with the insistence on clinging to those who make us feel a fragment of the rapture we once felt, hence the continual focus on artificial light? Marina is shown to be on anti-depressants; are relationships merely a respite from loneliness, a reminder of the experience of feeling accepted by forces beyond us? But then religion and spiritual joy is up for questioning too. Quintana’s sudden urge to avoid helping the people of the town makes him doubt everything, to the point that he offers communion to Marina even though this is in contravention of the Church’s rules. Even this act is mocked later as we see Quintana offering Communion to a number of convicts in the local prison, their mouths level with the hatch through which food is passed, the priest passing the wafer as if feeding a machine.

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Though Malick arguably presents established religion and any form of compromise within a relationship as being antithetical to the idea of freedom and spiritual epiphany, he still recognises the beauty to be found in the mundane, and as he builds to a crescendo in which Marina makes her move and frees herself from the bondage of love not truly felt — either by leaving Neil or by taking a different route, as hinted by some of the rather heavily sign-posted metaphorical imagery of the last few minutes[10] — Malick portrays these actions through beauty, perfectly matching image and sound, lifting me from my body and offering up the possibility that the decision to take control of one’s life, to act on instinct and cast off shackles, means a person might rediscover that wonder by removing the poison from one’s life and moving on, being true to oneself and never stopping until you find the person or situation that fills that hole in a person’s heart.

Ebiri sees the pirouettes as ballet moves, and he could be right. But these movements, these ecstatic turns made with arms outstretched, could also be flight, and though we end with Marina dancing into the dark with that artificial light at her back, nevertheless, for a moment there, she was able to fly[11]. Perhaps this beatific freedom is attainable by everyone. Malick might not mean that, making this one of his most pessimistic movies, in which the society — the prison — we have built is the inescapable thing that always holds us back, but nevertheless he cannot prevent me from coming to the conclusion that a life that contains even the possibility of momentary epiphany is a life worth living. He also cannot stop me from thinking that this intellectually precise work of immense honesty, curiosity and complexity gave me one of those fleeting experiences of great insight. Even when the beauty of its light is mixed so elegantly with the ambivalence of its darkness, this is his path to wonder.

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(For your information, this review was written while listening to a hastily constructed Spotify playlist that collects some of the music to be found in the film. No official soundtrack exists just yet, but a track listing exists online, and I made this playlist collecting the classical pieces. No word yet on whether Hanan Thompson’s original compositions will become available. I will say this though: Team Górecki 4evah.)

Return [1] Disclaimer: the gaffer on Goodall’s excellent series turned out to be my old mate John Slater, but I only found this out after I’d tweeted effusive praise about the show. As you would expect from this fine gentleman, it’s a very well gaffed show.

Return [2] You don’t hear anyone’s name during the movie; this is gleaned from the credits. Yet another nice touch; this is a movie about emotion, not specificity, and to screw things down to the ground with extraneous detail detracts from Malick’s goals.

Return [3] It’s also worth noting that this could be seen as another of Malick’s autobiographical works. The Tree of Life is often described as a film about Malick’s childhood and his struggles with his father — in this interview Brad Pitt says this wasn’t articulated to him during shooting but he felt there was something there that he too recognised — and there’s a possibility that this has something to do with a relationship in his past, though of course we don’t really have much to go on, considering his reclusive nature. What we can say is that even if this is meant to be a very personal film, Malick has filmed it in such a way that his concerns and questions become universal, which is great because seriously, who wants to watch a film about some guy working out his bitterness over a relationship break-up? That shit’s the worst. [Edited to add] Okay, that statement about us not knowing much about Malick’s history turns out to be not strictly true. Joseph McDonagh’s review contains a link to a Variety article (at the bottom) that contains a lot of telling detail about Malick’s second marriage. Let’s just say I’ve upgraded To The Wonder to the status of “guy using his past to explore big themes”.

Return [4] Were I more confident about such things I could probably try to break To The Wonder down into the four or five movements of a symphony, but considering I didn’t even know what a chord was until a couple of weeks ago it’s best I leave that to someone else, or just accept Bilge Ebiri’s ballet theory as the superior one.

Return [5] Much has been made of the film’s lack of dialogue, and indeed the main characters say very little, to the point that Marina’s greater share of voiceover duty means the film could almost qualify as “foreign language”. That said, Malick tunes into conversations occurring on screen as if they’re punctuation, or the notes of one of the instruments he is using in this symphony. I’d be interested to read a transcript of all of the words spoken in this film, either as voiceover or diegetic dialogue, to see how the phrases left in by Malick strengthen or weaken my arguments about the ultimate meaning of his brilliantly wrought meditation. There’s a chance that these splinters of speech have already worked on me; fractured to the point of making no sense but yet making a kind of sense at the corner of the mind, nothing direct but, as with the visuals, telling a story obliquely; a tale felt like a breeze on the skin, not experienced through brute pummelling.

Return [6] Yes, arguably, as Mont St Michel, even when shown in such grey tones, is still a wonder to behold — it was apparently the inspiration behind the design of Minas Tirith in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which makes sense as The Court of the Fountain, in which resides The White Tree of Gondor, is reminiscent of The Cloister, at least in my head. The other memory tweaked by this sequence is the shore of The Tree of Life, which one assumes is meant to represent the afterlife; we see Neil and Marina playing by the causeway that will be swamped by the tide that comes in to separate the fortress/monastery from the mainland. This strengthens the argument, as mentioned in spoilery point [10] below, that the final scenes have a greater significance than merely tying up the film with a visual bookend.

Return [7] Neil’s inability to settle down is reinforced visually by the boxes that litter all of his homes. There are very few furnishings, and instead we see his belongings either being removed from or placed in boxes. This sense of restlessness is mirrored by Marina and Quintana, separated from their homeland, cast adrift from their joy and unable to settle. Only Jane seems to be immune to this, living on her ranch. This stability could have been Neil’s too, if he had only stayed with her, but perhaps the open spaces, this freedom, is not his thing either. He needs to hide behind his walls, and if they’re not enough to keep things fixed to him, he will build fences to prevent people from leaving him alone.

Return [8] Though of course Neil does act, in helping Marina return to the States, but of course this could just as much be his fear of the feelings he has for Jane; we’ll never know. That said, at least he has Christ’s forgiveness to keep him warm, as is explained in-film, either by Quintana or Marina, I can’t recall who. What? Gimme a break, it’s not like I was taking notes. There’s a lot going on in this film and it’s hard to keep track of it all. Jeez!

Return [9] It might seem odd that Malick would follow The Tree of Life — a film that spanned all time and space and then beyond — with something relatively intimate (though with a visual scale that dwarfs most other movies), but while ToL juxtaposed the development of a man with the development of the Earth itself, this burrows down into the actual moment-to-moment life of a person within a body. Another consequence of his fascination with the movement of his characters is that Malick is depicting humans flexing and twisting their bodies, not only in relation to their surroundings and the people in their proximity but also in relation to themselves. His camera catches blemishes and pockmarks, moles and hair and skin and teeth, mostly clothed but sometimes naked as we become more intimately acquainted with who these people are. Among other things, this is an ode to what it is to be a human when rooted in a place, with time acting as the engine that wears us down physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Return [10] Spoilers here: The rather obvious symbolism of Marina walking down a long hallway into light, and then waking up in a field in which she has to drink rainwater collecting on trees, before cutting to a final shot of Mont St Michel, tends to suggest that she has decided to kill herself, as she threatened to do earlier in the film (after all we do see her making sure she reclaims all of her pills after spitting them at Neil), and the airport would therefore be a construct for the benefit of the viewer, but I hesitate to suggest that Malick would do something so clunky, mostly because it’s such a horribly downbeat possibility, not to mention an enormous cliche. Perhaps he is merely attempting to show the finality of Marina’s decision to leave Neil, utilising common metaphorical imagery for The End to denote her true progression into a new phase of life; a metaphor used as a meta-metaphor. Or this is my best fanwank yet.

Return [11] Hence ending the film in an airport.

Today’s A Good Day To Die, Die Hard

It’s tempting to say that Die Hard changed my life, but that would be exaggerating even too much for my hyperbolic tastes. The original film didn’t trigger a lifelong love of films; that would be Star Wars, which I saw at the Gaumont in Birmingham in what might have been December, 1977, if IMDb is to be believed (the UK got Star Wars eight months after the US? Such bullshit). Die Hard also didn’t make me see the possibilities of the action genre, and the effect that a cleanly-shot and designed action sequence could have on my adrenal glands; Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Terminator and Aliens had already done a number on me, changing my conception of what excitement was, and what were the possibilities of the genre.

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What it did do was legitimise large-scale action cinema, at least in my mind, and stop me from feeling guilty for deriving more pleasure from this genre than all the canonical films in the pantheon of cinema history. No longer did I feel like claiming my favourite film was something high-falutin’ out of guilt or concern that I would appear intellectually empty for finding perfection in a commercial, mainstream movie, and this realisation is something that has been a guiding principle for this blog ever since I started it; celebrating the artistry involved in creating populist art. You can stuff your Dogme films in a recycling bin for all I care; the moment the lens flare bursts next to Hans Gruber’s head as the vault opens, Ode to Joy blaring out, I was done for life. That was beauty, transcendent and perfect, located in a Joel Silver-produced action film starring that guy off Moonlighting. If it could be found there, it could be found anywhere.

But as much as Die Hard is good enough — no, magnificent enough — to suspend concerns about falling in love with a “dumb” action film (and please, the last thing Die Hard is is dumb), there is no way to ignore that this rough-cut diamond is a commodity, a summer schedule filler that just happened to attract a number of highly-gifted artists and technicians all at the top of their game who rose to their material, back in a time when people still thought that the best way to attract an audience was to give them something attractive, instead of just bludgeoning them into accepting the inevitability that they would have to swallow a product out of some weird sense of obligation. It was talent that made Die Hard incredible, but it was money that eventually made the franchise mundane.

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And yet for a time, Die Hard still managed to surprise. Die Hard 2 is no one’s idea of a great movie, but if it hadn’t followed the greatest pure action spectacular of the late 20th century it would have been one of Silver Productions’ best films. As sequels go, it’s still pretty entertaining, thanks to some canny casting — Fred Dalton Thompson, Jon Amos and Dennis Franz are great value — and some fun action, not to mention a fealty to Die Hard‘s audience-sating blend of drama and comedy. If it has a real flaw it’s that it hews too closely to the first film’s structure, to the point of distractingly trying to find things for Holly, Thornburg and Al to do, but it was made back in the 1990s, when the idea of creating a longform story throughout a franchise, with the same characters in new forms of adventure, was only just beginning to become popular. Carbon-copies of successful films were a dime-a-dozen.

Which is one of the reasons why the third Die Hard film is such a success. This is a movie that starts with two explosions, one visual and one narrative. The John McClane that we grew to love in the first two movies has become a bitter wreck, estranged from his wife and hated by his colleagues. This time, instead of accidentally falling into trouble, he is dragged into it as a consequence of his actions in the first movie. Placing McClane in a new type of danger, and exploring the consequences of his actions years before, is one of the most satisfying plot choices in any franchise of recent years, creating a sense of progression from what has gone before, the feeling that we are following a real person in an unreal world. For a short time, the Die Hard series felt like it lived and breathed.

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Honouring the character of John McClane is the key to this. Though this sequel sees a return to McClane’s arc in the first film, it’s shown as being one aspect of his increasingly irascible nature, and pairing him up with a similarly aggravated companion — Samuel L. Jackson’s brilliantly realised Zeus; possibly the only likeable racist in cinema history — is a great way of exploring the idea that the Die Hard franchise is based not around a noble white knight but actually a complete asshole, or perhaps just a once-decent, idealistic man who is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (his wisecracks could actually be a coping mechanism); a borked Übermensch who appeals to the audience as an ordinary person who just happens to have flashes of incredible courage. While this dire psychological break means we’re only ever going to get temporary fixes to the man, for the purposes of the series this works fine.

There’s a strong argument that the final reshot ending of Die Hard 3 is a failure; certainly, it seems disappointing that we end up with a form of mano-a-mano showdown between protagonist and antagonist even when we’re taken out of New York and the ticking clocks of Simon’s games –  the geographic claustrophobia of the first (and, to a lesser extent, the second) replaced with a temporal form that constrains our hero even as he is given an entire city to explore — but all of that is forgiven by the elegance of the final shot; McClane redeemed by the new friend’s prompting, his broken soul fixed with little more than a quarter and a payphone. The outcome of his call is not important; he has swallowed his pride, made friends with someone as spiky as him, and taken a step towards rehabilitation.

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This might be the last grace note in a franchise that has to amp up its threats in order to justify its existence. Die Hard 4.0 (or Live Free Or Die Hard) is the first in the series that isn’t good enough to make you forget the fact that the franchise is just being kept afloat to squeeze a few more drops out of the original, but even though it’s oft-derided, it’s better than it has any right to be, and it signalled an evolution in Len Wiseman’s directorial style for the better. It’s doubtful he’ll ever become as thoughtful and unpredictable as peak-career John McTiernan, or as able to harness the power of the image and the cut as current action-blockbuster champion Justin Lin (a Justin Lin Die Hard movie would be cinematic nirvana), but Die Hard 4 has enough charge, pace, and humour to please at least this cynic.

Part of the charm of Die Hard 4 is the replication of some of the beats necessary for this to register as a Die Hard film, especially as by this point the series has transformed into something that could easily go completely awry, as I will get to in a moment. Yes, there is an escalation in spectacle in this one that dwarfs the first, which featured huge action moments but from a human point-of-view that acknowledged the scale of those events. Wiseman doesn’t really worry about that, as he blows up a power plant and sets a F-35B Lightning II on our hero, destroying a freeway in the process, but through Willis and Justin Long’s self-effacing recognition that some cray shit’s going down, it stays just on the right side of absurdity.

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It also wisely keeps the other films’ focus on secondary characters; one of the great joys of the Die Hard series is that each film contains a sub-cast of well-sketched protagonists and antagonists who just happen to have this other guy, this unstoppable wreck, show up to act as “the monkey in the wrench”, whatever that means. Die Hard had the best cast of characters: noble but heartbroken Al, magnificently stupid Dwayne T. Robinson, tragic Takagi, alpha-douchebag Ellis, archetypal headstrong wife Holly, comic relief Argyle, Agents Johnson and Johnson, shitbag Thornburg. And that’s before we get into the villains; cocky Theo, vengeful Karl and his hapless brother Tony with his tiny feet, greedy Uli (Al Leong’s theft of a candy bar prior to a firefight shows more character than most films can muster during their entire running time), galumphing James (aka VIGO from Ghostbusters 2), “Huey Lewis” aka Eddie down in reception, and of course Hans Gruber, the king of action movie bad guys, a Teutonic Basil Rathbone, regal and venal in equal measure. My God, this movie is near-miraculous.

But the other films do a good job of filling out their casts too. Die Hard 2 has three bad guys, none of whom are as memorable as Hans Gruber, but traitorous Major Grant is particularly vile. It also features a group of meddling bureaucratic cowards who are slowly won over by McClane; tetchy Barnes, officious Trudeau, delta-male Carmine, and eccentric Marvin. We also get a slightly more respectable journalist in Sam Coleman, not to mention a roster of villains played by character actors like John Leguizamo, Robert Patrick, Vondie Curtis-Hall, Don Harvey and, of course, Robert Sadler. Die Hard 3 has Sam Jackson taking up most of the screentime, but we still get a set of initially sceptical side-players in McClane’s court; colleagues Cobb, Walsh, Kowalski and Lambert, courageous bomb disposal expert Weiss, FBI jerk Andy Cross and Jarvis From Another Organisation, plus four great villains in sneaky Simon Gruber, man-mountain Targo, vile oaf Otto, and the frankly terrifying Katya.

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Die Hard 4 is smart enough to keep this tradition going. Justin Long’s Matt takes on the Zeus role here, working as a surrogate son for McClane’s reluctant father. The cops are represented by Bowman and Molina (Cliff Curtis and Željko Ivanek), the bad guys include Thomas Gabriel (a sadly underpowered Timothy Olyphant), nigh-superhuman Mai Linh, parkour badass Rand, and hapless hacker Trey, while Kevin Smith appears as the fanbase-splitting hacker Warlock (for what it’s worth, I thought he was kinda funny). Yes, this is not on the same level as previous Die Hard films, and Wiseman isn’t about to give them all delightful character moments like the ones that litter the first three films, but the conventions of the series are at least being honoured. He has recognised that they exist, and has included them. This is more than we could have hoped.

The best thing I can say about the fourth Die Hard sequel, John Moore’s awkwardly-titled A Good Day To Die Hard, is that it too seems to have noticed this thread, even if it doesn’t really make the most of it. The villains are multitudinous; a consequence of its unnecessarily complex plot involving incriminating files and double-treble-quadruple crosses that makes one wonder if the movie should be about the dealings of the deeply boring Komarov and Chagarin, with no need for John McClane and his estranged son Jack. The post-Vengeance convention of a female antagonist is honoured by the inclusion of Irina, the heavy is a tap-dancing clown whose japes completely undercut his menace, the comic relief is provided by the un-named cab driver (The New Girl‘s Pacha Lychnikoff), and Jack’s partner is Collins, played by Cole Hauser in what amounts to a cameo during which we get absolutely no sense of who he is.

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But A Good Day To Die Hard is not interested in creating rounded characters, or to even acknowledge that the Die Hard films are about actual recognisable humans put into absurd situations which are played as much for laughs as they are for thrills. Even at its worst Die Hard 4 recognised that, and thus honoured the previous films despite being the least memorable film in the series by that point. The latest film, on the other hand, is everything the fourth could have been; an empty, soulless cash-in on the franchise, made by people who couldn’t give a damn about the fanbase, the legacy of this series, or even fundamentally necessary elements of a successful film such as coherence, aesthetic pleasure, or even lizard-brain level spectacle. In short, it is a farrago and a disgrace.

Why did I just go to such obnoxious lengths to list the things that make the Die Hard films so distinct? Because A Good Day To Die Hard is such an insult to the other four films that while watching it I could only hold onto those fond memories in order to make it through. As someone who loves or likes all four films to one degree or another, it was like a mantra in my head, listing all of the great things in order to keep the insidious, sanity-sapping badness away; the SWAT guy pricking his hand on a rose in DH1, McClane trying desperately to signal a 747 landing in the middle of a snowstorm in DH2 and then sobbing when his efforts prove futile (and then saying “Motherfucker!” with such menace and hatred it boils the blood), the two bad guys disguised as cops in DH3 who get into an argument about leaving a block of C4 in the street for kids to find, the parkour villain in DH4 leaping out of a helicopter moments before a cop car crashes through it. There are dozens upon dozens of these moments in the series; DH5 has nothing. Just nothing.

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There are so many things wrong with this film that it’s hard to know where to start, but perhaps it’s best to begin with what has happened to John McClane, who we see here as a barely conscious force of sheer unpleasant negativity, finally reconciled with his daughter (Mary Elizabeth Winstead returning in a franchise-solidifying cameo as Lucy), suddenly deciding to chase down his errant, possibly criminal son Jack (played by a non-curly-haired Jai “Varro from Spartacus” Courtney). This takes him to Moscow, where John manages to stumble across Jack in the process of breaking Russian whistleblower Komarov out of jail. Komarov’s plot is pointlessly labyrinthine, while John’s is simple; reconcile with his son, who detests him. Which makes sense, because this incarnation of the previously-witty John McClane is a glum mannequin, animated by the promise of millions and millions of easy dollars. He can’t support anything more than that.

This is perfectly in keeping with the other McClane arcs, which were all about redemption, but by now the well is dry, and Skip Woods’ script — which feels like an unpolished first draft — doesn’t even bother to dramatise the reconciliation in any imaginative ways. Relying on hoary old plot elements — like sceptical Jack having second thoughts when he overhears his father talking about how he has failed his family, or the fact that he calls his dad “John” until a key moment, much like Lucy does in DH4 — is one thing, but to try to echo this familial strife within Komarov’s sub-plot only really works if Komarov’s plot doesn’t take any right turns. You get the sense that Woods was trying to do something smarter than expected here, but certain third act twists render this character work moot, even as they notably continue the trend of including unexpected secret motivations of the Die Hard villains from previous installments.

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At least that thematic reflection shows some kind of life in the process of creating the film. Other than that we get very little sense that any effort was expended. Perhaps part of that lies in the genesis of this film. Greenlit prior to the release of DH4, this is the first sequel in the series that started out as a Die Hard project; Die Hard 2 was based on the non-McClane novel 58 Minutes by Walter Wager, Die Hard 3 was originally a non-McClane spec script by Jonathan Hensleigh called Simon Says which was meant for Brandon Lee before almost becoming Lethal Weapon 4, and Die Hard 4 was originally a script called WW3.com based on a Wired article about cyber-terrorism. Die Hard 5 is merely Die Hard 5, and as a result feels like an undistinguished straight-to-DVD actioner that just happens to have John McClane in it. Instead of finding exceptional source material for our hero, they crafted something for him; the cart before the horse.

It’s bad enough that John’s arc is almost identical to the one in DH4, with him estranged from his angry son the way he was with his angry daughter. It’s worse that this time he gets to partner up with the person he’s trying to win back, meaning his growth is too directly connected with the character he bounces off. In DH3 and DH4 McClane learns to accept the ones he loves by being taught how to bend by characters he’s not related to (Zeus and Matt), but here he is already healthy enough to merely want to save his son, who ends up having to bend instead. In previous films the choice to almost accidentally resolve McClane’s character issues by having him chase one thing and in the process give him the thing he really wants is deftly done. Here the resolutions are clunkily sign-posted, and means John McClane is just there as a guy who shoots things. He’s not a character, and his son Jack isn’t drawn well enough to fill this gap.

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The worst thing that could happen to this franchise has finally happened; McClane doesn’t really feel like McClane, and not just because this is easily Bruce Willis’ worst work as the put-upon hero. Not only can he barely muster any enthusiasm for the part, he’s sorely underwritten, with almost no wit apparent in his reaction to his predicament. Instead he keeps banging on about how he’s on vacation, which isn’t even accurate, as he starts the movie by looking for his son and then travels to Moscow with only one intention; to find out why Jack is in jail (it’s for shooting someone for some poorly explained reason, which has something to do with him being in the CIA though it’s not clear how shooting someone and being arrested helps him in his goal of saving Komarov).

It also doesn’t help that this McClane actively seeks trouble, goading his son on in the middle of the movie whereas in all previous installments he is obviously only getting involved in these troublesome events because he is forced to by a desire to save his loved ones or by the machinations of a villain. Other than the final act of Die Hard 3, where he chooses to chase Simon into Canada (which completes his redemption plot for that film), or Die Hard 4, where he finds himself chaperoning the most important hacker in the US, in all of the other movies he is obviously really annoyed that he has to do anything. He’s the ultimate reluctant hero of Campbellian theory, resisting the Call To Adventure over and over again, only ever becoming a pro-active character when his family is threatened or he’s just really really pissed off.

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Die Hard 4 started this pro-activity by having him teach Matt how to be brave, but then the threat they face is all around them, and he is being tested by Gabriel throughout. In contrast, in the middle of DH5 he could easily walk away and take his son with him, but he doesn’t. To this McClane fan, even though this was a heroic choice on McClane’s part, the moment clanged. Even worse, there’s no growing tension here. In all of the other films there is some form of ticking clock urging McClane on. There’s nothing like that here. Some lines are added about a threat of weapons-grade uranium falling into the wrong hands but it smacks of convenience; no one in the film seems to even buy it. McClane is the one thing standing in the way of disaster in 1-4. Here he’s a guy who courts danger, possibly because he likes the idea of teaching his son some things (there’s a nice reference to “Bill Clay”‘s attempt to get a gun from the roof of the Nakatomi Plaza but even this doesn’t work as McClane doesn’t even know Clay is Gruber at that point, so it’s yet another empty reference solely for the audience).

This is all bad enough, betraying the conventions of the series or mimicking them bluntly without weaving them into the sub-plots of each previous film. It’s enough to make the heart sink, and look back on DH4 as a greater success than we had realised at the time; a rewatch last night showed that it’s much funnier and pacier than I had remembered. But while I cast aspersions on the script, and Willis’ performance (Jai Courtney is fine with the little he’s given, I guess), the real problem with Die Hard 5 is John Moore’s direction. I’ve never been a fan, I’ll admit, though I liked one sequence in Behind Enemy Lines (the insanely detailed plane-ejection setpiece) and thought Flight of the Phoenix wasn’t terrible. Nevertheless, The Omen remake and Max Payne were quite dreadful and unlovable, with the videogame adaptation being particularly painful.

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A Good Day To Die Hard, on the other hand, should not have been released into cinemas in this form. Early scenes display Moore’s obnoxiously tricksy compositions, but it’s not the kind of thing that could ruin a movie, being merely irksome. A couple of crash zooms during a scene in which McClane’s cab gets stuck in traffic are jarring, but again, no biggie. A couple of impressively large explosions follow, and a clumsily shot scene with Bruce Willis staggering about in a cloud of budget-shortfall-obscuring smoke is not great, I’ll admit, but it’s still not the end of the world. He then stumbles upon his son, and the camera’s either too far away from the action or too close, or not looking at the right thing. Pretty shoddy, not helped by the relentlessly blue palette, but again I let it slide. I was trying to be nice.

And then the car chase happened, and all bets were off. How do I explain this sequence using words and not clips? How do I conjure up all of the feelings I had without merely resorting to obscenity? Even though Moore has not bothered to take my feelings into account with this infinitely awful sequence, maybe I should respect his feelings, so as to prevent the miserable possibility of being transformed into a mere troll by the grueling experience of watching that scene. And yet the car chase sequence in A Good Day To Die Hard is so far and away the worst and most ineptly shot and edited sequence in action cinema — nay, ALL cinema — that I think it’s incumbent on me to go hell for leather here, to state exactly how astonished and upset I was as it unfurled, in the hope that it will deter people from wasting their time and money on this film.

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The aesthetics of action cinema have become a bone of contention with action fans over recent years, with numerous filmmakers receiving censure for their lack of visual clarity (Paul Greengrass, Christopher Nolan) or haphazard editing (Michael Bay specifically, though a number of other filmmakers have emulated him). Both crimes are terrible, I will agree, though I don’t think Greengrass or Nolan are anywhere near as bad as critics make out, and will even go so far as to say that Greengrass’ photography is actually very clear, almost startlingly so, with the camera choreographed along with the stuntmen, anticipating every move or stunt in order to capture them in entirety before being clipped down as much as possible in the editing bay, while still giving you the sense of what is going on in each shot.

I’d even defend Bay (and have done before), while stressing MOST VIGOROUSLY that I do not enjoy his action scenes as pure action scenes, with characters exploring geographically-clear spaces and achieving in-sequence sub-goals that include surviving attacks through evasion or suppressing enemies through force, like real action directors do. As I’ve said before, a really good action scene is like a really punchy pop song or a classical symphony, with all the parts working together to create a melodious whole, a break within the film that has a beginning, middle and end, as well as a kind of intrinsic harmony, if I can use that word to describe the camera’s recording of these action events. Bay’s action scenes are often syncopated drum solos without melody and harmony or even a structure, but I quite like drums so I don’t mind that so much. I’m not pretending they are something they’re not; I’m enjoying them for what they are; noisy, ostentatious exercises in self-indulgence. (I’ve seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen a dozen times and even I don’t know what the hell is going on in this shot.)

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Nevertheless, even if I were to hate Bay, Greengrass or Nolan for all the reasons that many others hate them (not counting Bay’s sexism and racism, which I DO hate), what John Moore has accomplished in the car chase in A Good Day To Die Hard is to create an action scene of such cancerous awfulness, such baffling incoherence, such cornea-scraping criminality, as to render all arguments about other action filmmakers moot. This is without a doubt the nadir of action cinema; not just a drip of poison into the old king’s ear but a full fireman’s hose of ichor right in the face at such force it blasts the eyes from their sockets. It’s an insult to my soul so egregious that I very nearly leapt from my chair to vocally denounce it the way a devout old crone in a religious horror movie would react to the presence of a possessed child. It is an abomination.

All of the things you have ever hated about modern action cinema are here; lazy witticisms, cackling villains, no awareness of geography, the shakiest of shakycams, staccato editing that nullifies every beat and shuffles all of the events into a baffling montage, camera placement that misses every stunt and hides the key elements from the viewer, zero sense of pace or escalation, crash zoom after crash zoom after crash zoom, and cacophonous music that batters the viewer into thinking he or she is witnessing something vital and exciting when what you’re seeing is a total lack of effort smeared across the screen like snot wiped on a handrail. The stunt work is great, though. If I were a stuntman on this film I’d be livid at seeing my hard work ruined, at the risks taken wasted in this vomitous sequence. (This clip shows the most clearly edited sub-section, though the footage is taken from random moments throughout.)

In all the years I’ve been watching films I’ve never once walked out of a cinema in disgust but yesterday I very nearly did. Moore’s utter disregard for how films work was like a fuck you to anyone who has ever expended any effort on a film only to see their careers falter. How is this man still working? Max Payne crawled into the shadow of profitability, and apparently that’s all that matters even though that film satisfied no one. Say what you like about Brett Ratner, but even if you hate X-Men: The Last Stand, if Moore — who was once in contention for the job — had made it we would have been even unhappier with what we got. Ratner isn’t particularly competent or imaginative but he at least knows that putting about ten crash zooms into a car chase is just not on.

The rest of the film isn’t as bad as that one scene, but it’s all so tossed off that it never redeems it either. The stink of laziness pervades the film, enough to make Len Wiseman look like a tyro McTiernan in comparison (seriously, there’s some good stuff in DH4; the shot where the camera follows the parkour guy from rooftop to fire escape and then down is astonishing). Those anamorphic shots from Die Hard that thrilled me so when I was young are replaced here by irritatingly garbled compositions and clumsy camera-placements (one shot sees McClane temporarily shoved into the corner of an otherwise black frame, and it doesn’t seem like it was intentional), not to mention the most binary teal-and-orange colour scheme ever; it makes Transformers: Dark of the Moon look like a rainbow-riot of multicoloured joy in comparison.

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Anyone not particularly interested in this kind of thing will naturally accuse me of being too precious, but I guarantee that this film will offend your eyes, be it by the endless shakiness of the camera operation, the pointless cutting from medium shot to retina-shattering close-up and back again, or by the inability to actually get the subjects of each shot into focus. The only movie I’ve seen recently that got basic stuff as wrong as this was in Rob Cohen’s dire Alex Cross, but that was at least funny. This is just depressing. I’ve railed against Tom Hooper’s awful visual direction a number of times but his worst crimes are arguably borne of out-of-control enthusiasm and puppy-dog eagerness to impress his master/peers. Moore just doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing. During that car chase it’s as if he took a photo of a car’s bumper and just flapped it in front of the camera for four minutes.

If the action scenes were even choreographed or designed in an interesting way then perhaps there would be a way to salvage this. As Moore showed in Behind Enemy Lines, he obviously likes the idea of the discrete and intricate setpiece made up of heavily-detailed elements (the plane crash sequence I mentioned earlier is a great example of that, breaking down the ejection of a pilot into tiny slices of time). But by now it’s easier to just rely on his favourite action trope; men running through a hail of bullets, either fired by bad guys or by flying machines. He used that shot a number of times in Behind Enemy Lines, again in Max Payne, and here has both McClanes running through a hellstorm of bullets fired by a helicopter not once but twice. And no one said to him that maybe he should change it up. If he could have engineered a way to shove this shot into The Omen he would have.

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Perhaps I’ve been spoiled recently. The three big action scenes in this film are not well-thought-through or shot cleanly, and while these are possibly the worst examples I’ve seen of this, it’s not like Moore’s the only filmmaker farting out disappointing action scenes. However all is not lost, and I have a feeling action cinema is about to undergo a transformation. Christopher McQuarrie’s Jack Reacher might be a gamechanger in the same way The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy were — friend-of-the-blog @T_Lee recently referred to the subsequent deluge of Bourne-aping brawls as “pat-a-cake fights”, but at the time those minutely choreographed fights were a new thing in action cinema, as were those intensely edited car and foot chases. It didn’t take long for everyone to wear those tricks out, so it’s time for a change, and McQuarrie’s adaptation of Lee Childs’ novels might usher a new era of action cinema.

In Jack Reacher McQuarrie takes the “realism” of the Bourne fights and chases to their logical extreme, doing his best to remove cinematic artifice (though not entirely, of course). His fist fights are strategic and swift, with every contact creating new challenges for our diminutive hero; whoever thought we’d see a film in which the characters get smacked in the face and then take a few seconds to recover, instead of absorbing every blow like an impact-sponge? His car chases are full of errors, stalls, oversteers and reverses, all while sustaining the flow and tension. His shoot-outs are precise and focused mainly on cover, not firing; a logical continuation of the staging of the gunfights in his brilliant anti-heroic crime movie Way of the Gun. All of these action scenes are like nothing you’ve ever seen before, and are utterly thrilling and, most importantly, comprehensible without sacrificing energy.

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McQuarrie has rewritten the rules of action staging, merely by looking at them dispassionately and intelligently, stripping away as much bullshit as possible and writing characters who think before they fight. The results are astonishing, and helped eradicate any difficulties I had swallowing the unfortunate thriller-novel bullshit tropes that McQuarrie was required to add, such as Little Jackie Reacher’s hilarious philosophy of lonerdom vs societal contraints, or his White Knight mansplaining and patronising of women, and his inhuman and reader-flattering sexual magnetism. All of that was pure chuff, but Jack Reacher remains a milestone in the evolution of the genre, a fact that will become apparent when fans embrace it on its DVD release. Though to be honest, that should have happened after Way of the Gun. (Check out this scene from WotG: the only gunshots occur off-screen, but it’s still 100 times more exciting than any of Die Hard 5‘s garbled and hysterical pyrotechnics.)

After that, it’s hard not to look at previous “geological eras” of action cinema with anything but a kind of annoyed pity. Most of the classics, the ones that defined the visual rules for each stage of the genre like Aliens, Die Hard, The Killer, Bourne 1 and 2; they’re all fine. It’s the knock-offs, the indifferently-made and identikit ones, that will suffer the most, and pure tripe like this suffers most of all. It’s kinda funny that Jai Courtney was in both Die Hard 5 and Jack Reacher, as The Zec’s right-hand man, and also amusing to note that McQuarrie gives him more personality as a henchman than Skip Woods does as co-lead. It’s as if he’s the bridge that action cinema had to cross to reach The New World. This is not to say that Jack Reacher will lead us into a land full of hard-edged and brilliantly conceived action classics, but it does give us an alternative to the mechanical and uninvolving rote staging of Moore’s farrago.

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And it really is the laziness that kills this film, and not just in the way that it’s shot. Missed opportunities abound. Michael Kamen’s scores for the first three films are a pure delight, playfully mixing well-known musical classics into his chiming and rambunctious soundtracks; the “Ode to Joy” fourth movement from Beethoven’s 9th in the first, Sibelius’ Finlandia in the second, and Louis Lambert’s When Johnny Comes Marching Home in the third. Marco Beltrami took over for the next two after Kamen’s tragic, too-early death, and while he does enough in terms of replicating some of Kamen’s signature stings amid all the musical tumult, this trend of including classical music vanished. It’s not a big deal in the fourth film, but in the fifth film? Set in Moscow? Imagine what Kamen could have done with Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights, or Tchaikovsky’s Waltz of the Flowers.

But then there would have had to have been moments of grace within Die Hard 5 to accommodate such a musical flourish, and Moore has no interest in doing that when he can shoehorn in another crash zoom or fussy composition or grinding conversation devoid of subtext (the moment when the McClanes declare their love for each other is just them saying they love each other; whatever happened to “show, don’t tell”?). Would Moore have taken a cue from McTiernan with his casting, choosing Broadway veterans for supporting roles in DH3 (including playwright Michael Christofer) so that every minor character feels like they have a backstory and inner life? No. Moore’s actors are all straight out of central casting, and attempts to make them stand out, like the bad guy who dances for no particular reason, or the needlessly objectified Irina (Yuliya Snigir, who strips to her underwear in an early scene for no reason other than empty titillation) just look lazy.

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All of these complaints are, I realise, finicky and probably not the kinds of things that would bother most viewers. I get that. When I wrote about the awfulness of Alex Cross I went on about how thrillingly inept it was, how every moment in it was slightly off, so much so that the finished product is a classic example of exactly how not to make a film. Most other people who have endured it seemed to think it was just a generic thriller, making me wonder if I’m taking all of this far too seriously. This could well happen with A Good Day To Die Hard. While I rail against it as a chancre on the tongue of cinema, I’ll wager most people will just think that this is an underwhelming sequel, the inevitable lowpoint of a franchise flogged to death by a studio who saw the opportunity of making a quick buck.

Nevertheless, I defy anyone to remain agnostic about this film’s quality when they see the mid-car-chase insert in which Jack calls his bosses at Langley as the camera wobbles from side to side and zooms and shakes as if the room is on the epicentre of an earthquake, before pulling out for a moment to show every monitor in the room has a little red light on it to add dramatic strobes to their faces. Or the close-up of a target on a shooting range on which you can see part of the squib that blew it up, an error no one could be bothered to fix in post (a piddling error but indicative of a lack of care overall). Or the stupendously moronic twist at the end which [SPOILER] means that the villanous Komarov has been chased for most of the movie by a miniature army of people in his employ pretending to be his enemies, led by one guy who didn’t know any of this who is then killed. [END SPOILER]

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Or the fact that it ends in Chernobyl, in a building that is made non-radioactive using enormous Radiation-Negating Wands Of Magic, so that no one needs protective gear; lucky for the McClanes — who drive from Moscow to Pripyat in just slightly more time than it took a helicopter (it actually takes 12 and a half hours to drive but whatevs). Our heroes don’t have any protective gear, but that doesn’t matter; when they fall into a pool of water Jack says, “It’s okay, it’s rainwater!” so that’s okay then even though the pool is indoors so this is actually impossible. And what does happen to all the uranium that gets stolen? Was it in the helicopter that crashes at the end? If not, was it taken by the bad guy’s mini-army? And as the McClanes don’t kill them I guess they just leave? That’s not cool. Oh, and can we PLEASE retire the “Girl From Ipanema Elevator Music” joke please? That shit got tired decades ago.

Even taking into account those awful moments, many people will think I’m just being overdramatic about this, that my Twitter rating for this film of 1/10 was melodramatic, and that’s okay. This is inevitably personal to me because these films are so important to me, and I don’t expect everyone to see it the same way that I do. Die Hard fired my imagination and made me treat cinema as a reliable source of joy that would continue to excite me for decades to come. And, barring some hiccups, this is still the case. Even better, the original Die Hard — my favourite film of all time — is still a wondrous thing, still breathlessly exciting, still a pitch-perfect example of how to make a crowd-pleasing, emotionally-resonant slice of populist cinema that looks breathtaking.

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Die Hard 5, on the other hand, is so poor that it makes me want to take up a baton that seems to have been dropped, to actually make a movie myself that rights these wrongs. Anyone who knows how unconfident I am in real life will be surprised to hear me make a bold statement like that but just by avoiding every visual error and plot cliche here, anyone could make something that honours the genre’s greats in exactly the way this latest film doesn’t. That’s not going to happen, obviously, so instead I find myself, horribly, hoping that this tanks. Because right now, if this film’s final image — a freeze-frame of three McClanes, rictus-smiling in front of an orange sunset — is the last we see of John McClane, I’m absolutely fine with that. Unless the franchise gets a massive reboot, something that brings it back to basics the way Casino Royale saved the Bond series, it’s better off abandoned, choked to death on this gargantuan, unflushable turd.

Listmania ’12! Miscellaneous Movie Observations: Part Three

Okay, let’s get this done. This is the last part of Listmania!, and has been delayed by being so damn big. Every time I thought I was done I’d remember another thing I was going to say, so I’d tinker and add another little bit which would prompt another little bit, and another little bit, then some agonising over picking over one film or another, and my time would be eaten up by looking for videos on YouTube, meaning I’ve seen the HP Elite Pad advert (with handsome Dr. Matt Oliva) that currently precedes clips about 5000 times today, so now I never want to own one. Sorry Handsome Dr. Matt Oliva!

But enough of that. Best I shut the hell up so we can finish this. For newcomers, this is the random entry where I try to get down every other little thought I had during 2012, because if I don’t do it now that thought will end up expanding in my head like Kaneda at the end of Akira, absorbing my mind in a huge sphere of white light that… does something to Neo-Tokyo, I’m not sure what, that movie was kind of unclear about that. Which is a perfect, vague metaphor for this post: don’t look for order, or for a point. I mean come on, I’ve already made one weak joke about a YouTube advert. This is all I’ve got left now. Everything else I ever was is in this post. I’m cleared out, like a looted branch of Blockbuster.

Best Movies I Saw In 2011 That Were Released More Generally In 2012: Shame, Bernie and Martha Marcy May Marlene

Best Hero: Django Freeman – Django Unchained

django

Honorable Mentions: 

Bruce Wayne / Batman – The Dark Knight Rises

Merida – Brave

Captain America - The Avengers

Dejah Thoris – John Carter

Zachry – Cloud Atlas

Best Non-Humanoid Hero: Woola – John Carter

Douchiest Hero: Little Jackie Reacher – Jack Reacher

Best Anti-Hero: Selina Kyle / Catwoman – The Dark Knight Rises

Best… Villain? No, Villain’s The Wrong Word. Best Impenetrable Antagonist: David – Prometheus

Best Indisputable Villain(s): Stephen / Calvin J. Candie - Django Unchained

stephencalvin

Honorable Mentions:

Bane – The Dark Knight Rises

Bobby Monday- Premium Rush

MaMa – Dredd

The Zec (aka PRISONER HUMAN!) – Jack Reacher

Silva – Skyfall

Most Actually Villainous Real Life Human Being Of The Year Or Maybe Even Century: David Siegel – The Queen of Versailles

Worst Hero: Alex Cross - Alex Cross

alexcross

Dishonorable Mentions:

Abraham Lincoln - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Alice - Resident Evil: Retribution

The Lorax - The Lorax

Evan Trautwig - The Watch

Spider-Man - The Amazing Spider-Man

Worst Villain: Dr. Curt Connors / The Lizard - The Amazing Spider-Man

lizard

Dishonorable Mentions:

Picasso, The Butcher of Sligo - Alex Cross

Oh that awful CAPITALISM! - The Lorax

Gawd, women who won’t put out for nerdy men, GAWD! - Project X

Chancellor Vilos Cohaagen - Total Recall

Oh that awful CAPITALISM! - Cosmopolis

Most Annoying Character of the Year: Every single sociopathic little turd in Project X

projectx

Dishonorable Mentions:

Harling Mays (John Goodman) - Flight

Manu (Alexandre Nahon) - 2 Days in New York

Charlotte Bless (Nicole Kidman) - The Paperboy

Jason Fryman (Adam Scott) - Friends With Kids

Ted (Seth McFarlane) - Ted

“Why Is This Character Even In This Movie?” Character of the Year: Scott the Exposition Sponge (Michael Angarano) - Haywire

angarano

“I Like That This Guy Basically Walked Right Out Of A Stephen King Novel To Help Douchey Ethan Hawke In This Movie” Incidental Character of the Year – Deputy So-and-So (James Ransone, here seen in special Smear-o-Vision, like all of Sinister‘s publicity shots)

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Best Live Action AnimalTony (Jamie Foxx’s actual horse Cheetah) - Django Unchained

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Best Animated Animal: Sparky - Frankenweenie

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Best Digitally Created Animal That I Kinda Like To Think Is Real Somehow: Woola - John Carter

Badass of the Year: Mallory Kane (Gina Carano) - Haywire

Most Endearing Douchebag: Snow (Guy Pearce) - Lockout

Best Double Act: Hadley (Bradley Whitford) and Sitterson (Richard Jenkins) - Cabin in the Woods

Best Bromance: Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and Dr. Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo) - The Avengers

Honorable Mention: Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Mike Zavala (Michael Peña) - End of Watch

Strangest and Most Sustained Impersonation of an Aggrieved Seal With Congested Sinuses: Russell Crowe - Les Misérables

Best Couple: John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) and Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) – John Carter

jcanddejah

Worst Couple of the Year: Julie Keller (Jennifer Westfeldt) and Jason Fryman (Adam Scott) – Friends With Kids

friendswithkids

Most Doomed Couple of the Year: Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) – Prometheus

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“I Hope These Guys Make It” Couple Of The Year: Ali (Matthias Schoenaerts) and Stephanie (Marion Cotillard) – Rust and Bone

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“I Give It About A Month. Maybe Five, Tops” Couple of the Year: Pat Solitano Jr. (Bradley Cooper) and Tiffany Maxwell (Jennifer Lawrence) – Silver Linings Playbook

silverliningsplaybook

“Seriously, You Guys Need To Split The Fuck Up Already” Couple Of The Year: Evan (Ben Stiller) and Abby (Rosemarie DeWitt) – The Watch (I can’t find a picture of the two of them together because the makers of The Watch don’t really give a fuck about the one prominently featured woman in the film — i.e. she’s in it for more than two minutes and she has some dialogue — and so the only publicity photo of her in which you can see her properly is the one where she’s sitting by a fire wearing a cleavage-exposing basque. Just fuck off, The Watch.)

Most Grating Adulterous Couple Of The Year: Margot (Michelle Williams) and Daniel (Luke Kirby) – Take This Waltz

takethisfuckingwaltz

“It Doesn’t Matter How Hard You Try To Explain This Away With Fantasy Rules, It’s Still Totally Fucked Up” Couple Of The Year: Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) and Renesmee Cullen the FUCKING CHILD COME ON!!!! (11 actresses of varying ages with their faces smooshed under the creepiest CGI you’ve ever seen) – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

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Most Improbable Couple of the Year: Darius (Aubrey Plaza) and Kenneth (Mark Duplass) – Safety Not Guaranteed

safetynotguaranteed

Most Unacceptable Continuity-Aggravating Relationship of the Year: K (Josh Brolin) and Q (Alice Eve) – Men in Black III

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Best Love Triangle of the Year (Not That It Really Counts As A Love Triangle; It’s Complicated, I Get It, Just Go With Me On This One, There Wasn’t A Real Love Triangle In Any Movie This Year That Didn’t Make Me Want To Vomit Or Die Of Boredom: Iris (Emily Blunt), Hannah (Rosemary DeWitt) and Jack (Mark Duplass) – Your Sister’s Sister

Best Actual Love Triangle of the Year, In That It Actually Is A Love Triangle, But I Didn’t Really Care About Them As Much As The Three In Your Sister’s Sister, I Mean, That Would Be Madness, Because Even Though Savages Wasn’t Really The Unmitigated LOL-Worthy Disaster A Lot Of People Seemed To Think It Was, It Could Never Be As Good As Lynn Shelton’s Film, I Mean Come On, Be Serious For A Second: Chon (Taylor Kitsch), Ben (Aaron Johnson) and O (Blake Lively) – Savages

savages

Worst Love Triangle of the Year: Snow White (Kristin Stewart), William the Bloke (Sam Claflin), and Hunty the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) - Snow White and the Huntsman (couldn’t find a picture of them together, or even a picture of Claflin with anyone. He was in this, right? I didn’t just imagine him?)

snowwhite

Other Worst Love Triangle of the Year: FDR (Chris Pine), Tuck (Tom Hardy) and Lauren (Reese Witherspoon) – This Means War

thismeanswar

Most Absurd and Unbelievable Love Triangle of the Year: Jack Regan (Ray Winstone), Ivan Lewis (Steven Mackintosh), and Nancy Lewis (Hayley Atwell. Yes, that Hayley Atwell. In relationships with Ray Winstone and Steven Mackintosh. Hayley Atwell, a gurning potato with an autopilot stuck in it, and a pencil with a pencil stuck up its pencil arse. You could’ve put Gandalf, Maya Angelou and Roger Rabbit on the Flying Squad and I’d have had an easier time believing it)The Sweeney (Couldn’t find a picture of all three of them together because even the internet doesn’t believe it’s possible and that’s just a non-sentient system of tubes)

thesweeney

Best Scene: The Entr’acte from Holy Motors

Honorable Mentions: 

Joaquin Phoenix struggles to keep his eyes open during a processing session with Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master

Liam Neeson prays, in The Grey

Hana, Ame and Yuki venture out into the snow for the first time in Wolf Children

Fantine sings about the dream she dreamed in Les Misérables

Billy Bickle imagines the exciting, preposterous conflagration that will end Seven Psychopaths

Best Action Scene: John Carter fights off the Warhoon in a suicidal fight inspired by great loss, in John Carter, obvs

Honorable Mentions:

Earth’s Mightiest Heroes take back Manhattan in a bravura alien-crushing superhero extravaganza in The Avengers

Batman and Catwoman battle to divert a nuke with Batpods, Tumblers, flying doohickeys and missiles oh my, in The Dark Knight Rises

Colin Farrell and Jessica Biel fly wicked flying cars over and through a futuristic London in Total Recall

Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz ride a bike through a traffic jam in Malaysia in The Bourne Legacy

Rama and Andi team up against Mad Dog in The Raid

Best Scene in a Bad Movie: Calvin Weir-Fields finally embraces his dark side and goes too far in Ruby Sparks

Best Opening Scene: Argo

Best Opening Scene Of An Otherwise Undistinguished Movie - Flight (Okay okay, the amazing crash sequence occurs a few minutes into the film, but if you’re willing to accept that it’s one very long opening scene then we can just move on)

Best Opening Scene Of A Flat-Out Terrible Movie: The Expendables 2

Best Fake Credit Sequence: The Equestrian Vortex (from Berberian Sound Studio)

Most Satisfying Finale: The Grey

neeson

Honorable Mentions:

The Avengers

The Bourne Legacy

Cloud Atlas

Cabin in the Woods

Killing Them Softly

Most Satisfying Finale in a Movie I Otherwise Wasn’t All That Crazy About: People Like Us

Most Pleasing, Movie-Justifying Madness In A Third Act: Wrath of the Titans

Best Finale in a Bad Movie: The Five-Year Engagement

Best Running Joke: HAM – The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists

Worst Opening Scene: Take This Waltz

Worst Opening Scene Of An Otherwise Okay Film: Lockout

Worst Opening Scene Of An Actual Good Movie - John Carter (not enough Woola)

woola

Least Satisfying Finale: Ruby Sparks

rubysparks

Dishonorable Mentions:

The Devil Inside

This Means War

The Amazing Spider-Man

Dark Shadows

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Most Frustrating Finale In An Otherwise Excellent Movie: Berberian Sound Studio

Most Frustrating Finale In A Pretty Lousy Movie: All hell breaks loose near the end of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, and is then instantly retconned

Cheekiest Finale: Savages

Honorary “The Killer Inside Me” Award for Most WTF Macabre Shit-Storm Ending of the Year: Killer Joe

Best Trailer: Either the first Prometheus trailer, which didn’t give too much away, unlike the next 27000, which gave away everything except for David’s basketball trick and the full extent of the horror that was DJ Big Driis’ accent…

...or this nifty little viral ad…

Honorable Mention: Skyfall (teaser)

Worst Trailer: The extended behind-the-scenes trailer for Les Misérables. Absolutely brilliant the first time you see it. Not so much the fifth. Or fifteenth.

Best Poster: The Master

themaster

Honorable Mention: Moonrise Kingdom

moonrisekingdom

Worst Poster: Friends With Kids

friendswithkids

Dishonorable Mention: Red Dawn

reddawn

Most Disappointing Poster: The Avengers

avengers

Best Single Variant: Cabin in the Woods (The original was great…

cabininthewoods1

…and the variant is almost as good)

cabininthewoods2

Best Series of Variants: Frankenweenie (Click the thumbnails underneath the poster in this link to see more)

frankenweenie

Best Variant Featuring An Obscene Gesture: Chronicle

chronicle

Most Nerd-Sating And Obscure Variant Series: Posters for each District in Panem, for The Hunger Games

hungergames

Most Post-Viewing Nausea-Inducing Poster: Killer Joe

killerjoe

Most Unconvincing Action Posing: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Two

twilight

Most Fucked-Up Poster of the Year: Silent Hill: Revelation (Do not click!!!)

Most Desperate Attempt To Sell Downbeat Material As Upbeat And Sunny: The Sessions

thesessions

Worst Photoshop: The Vow

thevow

Most “Oh Yeah, I See What You Did There” Poster: Zero Dark Thirty

zerodarkthirty

Best Publicity Campaign: Looper / Chronicle

Two movies that don’t have anything in common with each other, except for being relatively inexpensive genre films, especially in the case of the super-cheap Chronicle. The other thing is that both of them are hard sells in their own way: Looper‘s a time travel film with a bit of trick casting in the dual lead roles that might not make sense to some audiences even when you explain it, and Chronicle‘s a supervillain film (not a superhero film as it was originally perceived) with no leads recognisable to people who didn’t watch In Treatment, The Wire or Friday Night Lights. Both are good movies, which obviously helps, but how to get people into cinemas to see them?

Part of their success (both made money, with Chronicle coming out on top due to its extra-low budget) is down to timing. Chronicle came out right at the start of the year, during the awards seasons when studios are usually shoving out filler while the prestige films released in December are picking up extra viewers. It was a rare thing for a film that seemed to show some ambition to crop up here, and that must have helped it; even the rescheduled Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, which came out this weekend, and last week’s Mama did okay just by picking up the leftover audiences that didn’t feel like seeing Zero Dark Thirty or Lincoln. Looper came out at the tail-end of summer, but starred a newly resurgent Bruce Willis and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, recently seen by everyone in The Dark Knight Rises.

But credit where credit is due. Both films were tricky propositions, but by cultivating a fanbase from the ground up in the case of Chronicle, or by building excitement among the nerd community about an adult sci-fi movie like Looper (as had been done before with District 9 and Monsters), the respective publicity departments got the core audience locked down early and then set about bombarding the outside audience with a bunch of evocative posters, punchy trailers and intriguing TV spots hinting at the scale of both films while also giving a very pithy explanation of the movie’s themes.

Which is the least you can expect of ad campaigns for films, really, but both of these films did great business and could very easily have failed. As can be seen with the films with the worst campaigns.

Worst Publicity Campaign: The Grey / John Carter

What can one say about John Carter‘s publicity campaign, other than that it will go down in history as one of the most comprehensive failures by a major studio, a case study in how not to release a movie. There’s very little else I can say about it that hasn’t been covered here, here and here (articles that have been contested elsewhere, so please don’t take them as gospel), and probably a lot of other places as well. This was a publicity campaign so bad at drumming up interest that there are conspiracy theories out there about how this was some effort to separate different regimes at Disney with a buffering failure of some kind, or revenge against Andrew Stanton for his expensive hubris. That’s how crazy this whole situation was.

johncarter

To be honest it feels more like the wobble in a spinning top’s rotation as it starts to lose power. The wobble gets bigger and bigger and bigger and then the top flies off the table and skitters away, under a chair or something. A bit of panic and a poor teaser made everyone freak out and this got worse and worse in the following months, the wobble dooming the top. This is what people are. For the record, I actually quite like the weirdly inappropriate font, but then I was already intrigued because I know who the character is. If I wasn’t a nerd, I wouldn’t have gone near it either. Considering how fondly I think of it now, this would have been a tragedy. Worse than losing my favourite dreidel.

The Grey‘s a different case, as it made its money back; something John Carter never could have done. But considering how an inferior product like Taken made mad bank on the same budget by making a virtue of its undistinguished pedigree, it’s exasperating. Taken was a trivial headpuncher starring Oskar Schindler, which was part of its appeal. But that novelty has vanished now, and marketing The Grey without stressing really strongly that it’s not a similarly dopey actioner but hahaha has got Oscar-nominated Liam Neeson in it hahaha just won’t work any more. We’ve acclimated to a world in which Neeson does this kind of thing, so much so that the wretchedTaken 2 was only really a success because of the value of “the Taken brand”, god help us.

If The Grey had been mere “hokum” (ugh) perhaps things would have been different, but as The Grey is actually a harrowing film about death, marketing it as anything less than that leads to two unfortunate side-effects: audiences can’t figure out why there’s not more wolf-punching, and critics think this dopey actioner doesn’t know its place, and is foolishly trying to ponder ideas above its station. Everyone goes home unsatisfied. If they’d been a bit more honest about the film’s content in the trailers perhaps things would have been different. In fact, there’s one thing I really want to say about the trailer but can’t as it’s a massive spoiler, but everyone who has seen both film and trailer knows what I’m talking about, and knows why That Shot is bound to have caused massive frustration for many viewers, ensuring lousy word-of-mouth.

Worst Title: Arbitrage

Nothing says aud-gasming thrills ‘n’ spills like a word that, according to Wikipedia, refers to, “a transaction that involves no negative cash flow at any probabilistic or temporal state and a positive cash flow in at least one state.” Also, the title doesn’t specify if it’s referring to statistical arbitrage or merger arbitrage. How many people went to see this and midway through went, “This has nothing to do with statistical arbitrage, which, in my opinion, is the superior form of arbitrage. I demand my money back, i.e. I demand a bail-out following my erroneous decision to invest in bad stock which I made without bothering to fully research the product but surely that’s not my fault, right”? All of this is a real shame as it’s not a bad film, and Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon are terrific in it. That said, I really do enjoy saying the word Arbitrage. Arrrrrbitrarge. Arrrrrbitraaaaaarrrrrggggggeeeeee!

Worst Product PlacementThe Watch

Not only is much of it set in, or in praise of, CostCo, but this means we also get numerous shots of the film’s sponsors throughout, leading to copious appearances of Tide piled up behind the almost entirely odious main characters, and most of the jokes revolving around Trojans — even down to the wretched film’s “Got Protection” tagline — because boners and fucking are hilarious whereas washing clothes isn’t. The only prophylactic I wanted to wear while watching this cretinous pile of bumph was a mental prophylactic to keep its evil out of my brain-meats. Oh god, seriously, please fuck off, The Watch!

Dishonorable Mention: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (I’m never eating a Hobnob again)

Best Introduction: Woola - John Carter

Best Hair: Merida – Brave

merida

Worst Hair: Finn (Sam Spruell) – Snow White and the Huntsman

Best Facial Hair: Liev Shreiber – Goon

liev

Worst Facial Hair: Sylvester Stallone – The Expendables 2

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Best Wig (Actress): Helena Bonham Carter - Dark Shadows

Best Wig (Actor): Mark Strong – Zero Dark Thirty

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Worst Wig (Actress): Nicole Kidman - The Paperboy

thewaterboy

Worst Wig (Actor[s]): Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand – Rock of Ages

rockofages

Wig I’m On The Fence About: Javier Bardem - Skyfall

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Best Hat(s): Pretty much everybody in Lawless

lawlesshats

Worst Hat: Jean Reno – Alex Cross (Yes, I know, it’s a plot point, but still)

alexcrosshat

Worst Coat – Tyler Perry – Alex Cross (No picture can do its unflattering grey flappiness justice, but this comes close)

Most Dispiriting Knitwear: Those knickers - Sightseers

Least Flattering Shorts: Henry Cavill – The Cold Light of Day

Most Offputting Head: Guy Pierce - Lawless

Busiest Body Double: Whoever stood in for Denzel Washington during all the Bourne-style action scenes and probably a high percentage of the sitting-around scenes in Safe House, and this video has not convinced me otherwise. As friend-of-the-blog @Lindywasp knows, our main man Denz is all about the comfort.

Best Metaphor For Masturbation: Taylor Schilling dreamily stirring a pot full of frothy water while staring at Zac Efron in The Lucky One

Most Disturbing Actual Masturbation of the Year: The aggressive anti-sexual powerplay between Amy Adams and Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master

Most Libido-Vaporising Orgasm Borne Of Extreme Arousal In A Prison: John Cusack and Nicole Kidman – The Paperboy. Note: Zac Efron is also in the scene, watching. What a year he’s had. (Screencap pilfered from Film School Rejects)

thepaperboysexy

Kenny Branagh Award For Greatest Proliferation of Dutch Tilts: Oliver Stone and Dan Mindel – Savages

Most Conservative Soundtrack Choices of the Year: Flight (after we’d heard Sympathy for the Devil by the Stones and the Cowboy Junkies cover of Sweet Jane Daisyhellcakes said, “How long until we get Magic Carpet Ride?” Amazingly, this didn’t happen.)

Most Convincing Lust Object of the Year: Daniel Craig, for the second year, just for this momentSkyfall

Honorable Mention: Olivia Munn – Magic Mike

Least Convincing Lust Object of the Year: Tom Cruise – Jack Reacher

Dishonorable Mention: Chris Pine - This Means War (but I thought he was jolly good in People Like Us)

Most Obscenely, Depressingly Beautiful Cast: Magic Mike

magicmike

Best Arms (According To The Numerous Women I Talk To On That Twittar): Jeremy Renner – The Avengers / The Bourne Legacy

Handsomest Martian Dog of the Year: Woola - John Carter

Most Pretentious Cop: Makoto Asada (Nao Omori) – Helter Skelter

Least Pretentious Cop(pah!) – Regan (Ray Winstone) – The Sweeney

Cop With Worst Posture: Tim Roth – Arbitrage

timrothposture

Worst Posture, To The Extent That I Hope He Went To See A Back Specialist After Shooting Wrapped: Joaquin Phoenix – The Master

posture

Best Use of the Song “Fireworks” by Katy Perry: Rust and Bone

Honorable Mention: Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

Most Depressing Mise-en-Scène: Shadow Dancer

Honorary Mention: Sightseers

Best Narrator: Bob Balaban – Moonrise Kingdom

Worst Narrator: Blake Lively – Savages

Honorary Manuela Velasco Award for Services to Scream-Queen Culture: Kristen Connolly - Cabin in the Woods / The Bay

kristenconnolly

Best Jellyfish-Venom-Negating Micturation: Nicole Kidman vs Zac Efron’s face - The Paperboy

Sorry, Did I Say Handomest Martian Dog? I Meant Calot, As That Is The Correct Term. Handsomest Calot Of The Year: Woola – John Carter

Most Backlighting: The Lucky One – Almost entirely shot in the Golden Hour

Honorable Mention: Take This Waltz

Most Logistically Impressive Movie: The Avengers

Honorable Mention: The Dark Knight Rises

Best Location Shooting: The Dark Knight Rises (Pittsburgh, Newark, New York, California, Cairngorms National Park, Inverness, Rajasthan, Nottingham, London, Essex, Croydon)

Honorable Mentions:

Skyfall (Scotland, London, Istanbul, Surrey, Turkey, Hashima Island)

Chernobyl Diaries (Hungary, Serbia)

The Sweeney (the most futuristic bits of London)

The Bourne Legacy (New York City, Alberta, Chicago, Phillipines, Manila, Seoul)

Cloud Atlas (Edinburgh, Strathclyde, Dusseldorf, Berlin, Mallorca)

Oddest And Perhaps Most Telling Recurring Themes In Cinema 2012: Slavery, freedom, and the 99%

Yes, Django Unchained was, controversially, a Spaghetti Western exploitation action flick that was about slavery. You might have heard about this. But while Tarantino’s full-on scream of fury about this most appalling historical crime got most of the attention, the idea of slavery cropped up in a number of other places, touched on in Lincoln, Les Misérables, Cloud Atlas (all of the Wachowskis’ films are about slavery and autonomy, to some extent or another), The Man With The Iron Fists (which was meant to be a crossover with Django; a plan which sadly fell through), The Paperboy (sort of; it’s set in the South, and race is still a thorny issue, obvs), Compliance (also sort of), and then in a fantastical sense we get Abraham Lincoln: Vampire HunterTotal Recall, and The Hunger Games.

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The theme of self-reliance and freedom came up almost as often. In The Avengers Loki has a mad theory that humanity wants to be subjugated, and our desire for autonomy and freedom is what makes us unhappy. The Dark Knight Rises sees Bane “free” the people of Gotham, while actually keeping them under his control; a distinction misunderstood by a number of cultural commentators, shamefully. John Carter, which features a former, reluctant Confederate soldier as the lead (which I appreciate is problematic but is an improvement on the books), sees our hero travel to Mars where he battles a race of technologically superior aliens called the Therns, who manipulate the course of history, ensuring that the Thark race is kept low while the humanoid characters live a life of restricted comfort; Carter fights for the right of Martians of all races to live a life free of external manipulation, in peace.

Also, Jack Reacher features numerous scenes with the tiny loner protagonist making the case that only he is free while everyone else in society wears shackles, a point hammered home when you discover the villain’s true name in a moment near the end of the film that is so brazenly absurd I guffawed at max volume. Beasts of the Southern Wild sees the denizens of the Bathtub live a free life threatened by the intervention of outsiders which would rob them of their independence, which Hushpuppy rebels against. John Dies At The End features a villain who would happily enslave all of humanity, warping reality to manipulate the film’s two heroes in order to facilitate its awful plans, having already enslaved the people in its own dimension.

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Maybe this is nothing new, and films about freeing yourself from the tyranny of the system that grinds you down come out regularly, with Django being such a startlingly full-on depiction of the true vileness of America’s past that we all now see the truth about slavery with new eyes. Or maybe there’s more of it because right now we’re in the middle of an economic firestorm that sees us working as hard as we ever have for a wage that just doesn’t go far enough, while governments withdraw any help they ever gave us in order to line the pockets of those who already have far too much; the metaphor that we are the slaves of the 1% feels awfully compelling right now, especially as depicted with unswerving and shocking bluntness in Cloud Atlas. Or maybe it’s just me, and I’m looking for these things more than ever because of my own frustrations with the way my life has turned out. Answers on a postcard, etc.

Drinking Game Rules For 2012:

  • Every time someone mentions God in Flight: drink two fingers of whatever Denzel’s drinking in that scene.
  • Every time Tom Hardy’s eccentric accent goes completely AWOL in The Dark Knight Rises, like whenever he pronounces Ra’s Al Ghul, for example: down the strongest painkiller in the house.
  • Every time James Bond lets someone die in Skyfall: drink a glass of whiskey while letting a scorpion walk down your arm.
  • Every time one of the nasty little bastards in Project X treats a woman like a piece of meat: throw a bottle of vodka through your TV.
  • Every time someone in Ted makes a lazy bad taste joke about fucking, drugs, pop culture, “sluts”, or Muslims: inhale the contents of a bong made out of one of Seth McFarlane’s Emmys.
  • Every time someone in Pitch Perfect tries to make the word formulation “Aca-[something]” happen: put on the YouTube clip of Anna Kendrick on Letterman doing You’re Gonna Miss Me with a cup and just try to forget it happened.
  • Every time someone in Resident Evil: Retribution gets kicked really hard at the end of a poorly choreographed fight scene, followed by a cut to a shot from above to show that character flying backwards and hitting a wall or something like you’ve seen in every other action movie of the past few years: inject yourself with T-Virus and go on a rampage against a world that keeps employing Paul W.S Anderson.
  • Every time there’s some unconvincing lad’s banter in The Sweeney: shift uncomfortably in your seat and pull your hand down your face.
  • Every time something totes fucking cool happens in The Avengers: pour water over your head to prevent your hair from igniting with the excitement.
  • Every time Jack Reacher is leered at by a woman unable to control herself in the presence of a Real Man: Drink a gallon of coffee. Jack Reacher loves coffee, as was explained quite clearly in the eighth Jack Reacher book, The Enemy, a fact that I bet the guys who made the movie would’ve known if they’d read the books, but they’re only in it to cash in, I mean hell, they don’t give a shit about the character, they cast Tom Cruise after all, and he’s so short, whereas Jack Reacher is 6′ 5″ tall, which anyone would know if they’d read the books, but no, they cast this guy, and he’s totally wrong for the part, which anyone who’s read the books would know, they should’ve got me to make it, I’d have cast someone big, not like Tom Cruise, he’s so short, not tall, which they’d have known if they’d read the books, etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum.
  • Every time some hot bastard displays a perfect set of abs in Magic Mike: drink a protein shake.
  • Every time Obama appears on a TV talking about the economy in Killing Them Softly: eat a slice of good-old American Apple Pie laced with disappointment, smack, and failure.
  • Every time Katherine Heigl jumps onto a winged unicorn and flies off to Atlantis to hang out with Jane Austen and Liberace in One For The Money: do not panic! You fell asleep and started dreaming. This happens a lot.
  • Every time Charisma Carpenter appears in The Expendables 2 in order to be disparaged by Sylvester Stallone: don’t drink anything. She’s only in the film for one moment right at the start of the film, and you’re gonna need all the booze you can lay your hands on in order to get through the rest of this piece of shit.
  • Every time a character sings their name in Les Misérables: Drink a bottle of The Wine of Friendship (sadly this means you won’t make it past first ten minutes).
  • Every time Lee Daniels makes a terrible directorial decision in The Paperboy: rub a jellyfish across your face, followed by a urine chaser.

Most Publicity Pictures of a Director: Christopher Nolan – The Dark Knight Rises

I honestly thought that this year’s title would go to Ben Affleck, after every interview with him featured a number of pictures of him doing the traditional “pointing and standing near cameras” pose (this one is an absolute classic). Bear in mind, last year’s winner was Paddy Considine, so another year with an actor pushed to the front of the publicity onslaught made sense, but no, IMDb only featured four pics. After that, on a hunch, I looked for Michael Haneke on the set of Amour; he’s a brand, whether he’d like to admit it or not, and with that Michael McDonald-esque look I figured he’d be good for a few shots sitting near his actors and/or Pigeons Of Great Metaphorical Import with a script, but he only showed up five times, most of them showing him beaming out one of his trademark grins.

I thought I’d got a winner with Joss Whedon, who shows up on the set of The Avengers six times, including one photo where he has Captain America’s shield, proving that that iconic prop doesn’t automatically convey gravitas upon the user. A good shout from the sophomore film director, but no, it had to be Greatest Living Englishman Christopher Nolan at the top with eight on-set pics; he’s as famous as his stars and looks great on set next to an IMAX camera, hanging out next to a Tumbler or, as above, drawing bat symbols on a wall while rocking some headphones. While I thought previous winners Considine and Iñárritu were kinda pseudy for doing it, Nolan’s win feels more worthy; not just because he’s a superb director and I’m biased, but because he’s temporarily as important a box office draw as The Bat Man. Film director as film star.

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And that’s that for another year. Or maybe for good! Who knows? I considered not doing this enormous project this year, just because I already have a far more important, enormous project on the go, that being the project I refer to as #TheProject. I ended up doing this because I’d seen a million films (well, 120) and had a lot to say, and I’ve said pretty much everything now. As long as I don’t count Zero Dark Thirty; it’s tempting considering the incredibly low-quality of many of the broadsheet thinkpieces on the film, most of which have completely missed the point of Bigelow’s brilliant, challenging film, not to mention the recent encouragement from friend-of-the-blog @Dirk2112. Other than that, which I really don’t want to do while thinking about little else, goddamnit, 2012 is done for me. But what next?

At the start of this series I mentioned Spotify, about how happy it had made me by letting me listen to so much amazing music while at work, using the example of listening to two different versions of Sondheim’s Finishing the Hat from my beloved Sunday In The Park With George. As great as it was to compare Daniel Evans and Mandy Patinkin (as seen below, wearing a proto-Saul beard), the best thing about hearing that song again was to hear an artist, playing an artist, saying the words of an artist, and musing over the importance of finishing what you’re doing, committing to your art, honouring that creative impulse, sacrificing things to enter The World Of The Hat.

I still enjoy blogging; less than I once did, and not helped by the news that apparently Tumblr’s where it’s at now; no use to me as I have no idea how to create gifs of anything (I dream of making a gif of Woola!). But blogging will always have some value for me, for sorting out my thoughts, maybe contributing to the ongoing cultural conversation. So I’m not going away for good, especially as I seem to keep saying I will but it never takes, but I’ve spent so goddamn long on these lists when I really should be getting on with #TheProject. So that’s what I’m gonna do. Thanks for all the comments, kind words and messages. I always appreciate your kindness; it gets me through the bad days. But if you’ll please excuse me, I really have to finish the hat.

Listmania ’12! Miscellaneous Movie Observations: Part Two

I’m coming to the end of this latest round of reviews, though this post is less objective than the others I’ve written — quite an achievement considering how often I forcefully insert myself into these rambling monologues. This will inevitably strike many people as being obnoxiously reflective; narcissistic, even. Even though I aspire to keep myself out of these reviews — and fail utterly — this will have to be self-referential to the point of sounding like a diary entry. Forgive me, but sometimes my reactions to movies cannot just be reduced to whether I liked the photography or not. Sometimes they reveal things about myself as all good — or bad — art will, and to explain why this is the case I have to spend ::checks word count:: 5200 words talking about that least interesting of subjects: me. If that sounds like a slog, feel free to skip this. But I’m compelled to explain why 2012 was almost the year I left the internet for good, and what brought me back from the brink.

Biggest Gulf Between Critical Opinion and My Own Reaction of the Year: Amour

Lauded by most as a masterpiece, Michael Haneke’s sober depiction of the end of a relationship is certainly intelligent and powerfully wrought, but Amour left me unexpectedly cold. Considering how pretty much everyone else found it painfully moving — almost too much so — this perplexed me and made me wonder, as such things often do, if I was watching it wrong, or if I’m emotionally immature, or merely ignorant of some aspect of Haneke’s artistry. The latter may well be true; I’ve only seen Cache and thought it was a superb thriller, but this restricted awareness of his themes meant that the only thing that struck me as being “classic” Haneke, other than the stark production design and precise compositions — ten points to ace cinematographer Darius Khondji — were the hints that love is as much a corrupting influence on a person as it is a thing of wonder.

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There were merely flashes of this, enough that I picked up on it but only in the sense that it gave me a misleading idea of where Haneke was going to take us. It ends with a shocking act that made me gasp, but even that didn’t cut to the core of me. Of course that’s not to say that the film ends with a decisive act that must affect all who see it, but consider this: I’m very very very very very very sensitive to tales of the inevitable unhappy resolution to even the longest-lasting relationships. There are two things that will make me cry within an instant of reflecting on them; animals being unaware of the deaths of their owners and searching / waiting for them (I refuse to watch Hachi: A Dog’s Tale), and the emotional devastation caused by the loss of a long-loved partner. I can’t listen to The Luckiest by Ben Folds, or I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie without instantly breaking down.

You can imagine what the opening scene of Up did to me. I cried like I was suffering a seizure. However, when trying to figure out why Amour failed to do anything other than hold my attention for two hours (oh how disappointing, I was riveted by a film but didn’t have a nervous breakdown midway through, it must have been TERRIBLE), it was Up that I returned to. That did as good a job as Amour of giving us a window into a realistic relationship, of making us feel like we had a good idea of how much these characters loved each other, to the point that we want nothing more than for them to prevail, with bonus points to Up for doing so in such a short space of time. It’s a rare thing to be able to convey that depth of emotion compellingly and believably, so full marks to both movies for that.

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And yet I’d take Up over Amour any day of the week, and not just because Pete Docter’s movie features far more talking dogs, chattery birds and zeppelins piloted by an evil amalgam of Kirk Douglas and Christopher Plummer than Haneke’s movie (though Amour does have a Pigeon Of Great Metaphorical Significance, which counts for something). The key difference, of course, is that the tragic death of a loved one is the inciting incident in Up, and the culmination of a film’s worth of slow, grinding pain in Amour. Which is fine. Both stories are perfectly valid, and both Docter and Haneke deserve all the critical plaudits they have received for their incredible work in these movies. No wonder audiences react so strongly to both stories, when they’re told with such skill.

But only one made me feel alive, made me run through a spectrum of emotions both good and bad, and told a story that chimed with me, and that’s the one with the balloons. Because no matter how skillful Haneke was, no matter how intelligent his approach, his story is basically “In a relationship in which two people love each other a lot, and one gets ill, the other will have to make a terrible sacrifice to bring peace to both of them.” Which is a good story, and done without flinching, even when it comes to its wrenching denouement. But Up‘s story is “Even the most awful ending can be the beginning of something wonderful”. More sentimental? Maybe so, though I think Docter does a damn good job in subverting easy emotional uplift, avoiding any kind of gloopy manipulation and creating something admirably level-headed, and more importantly this message is just as valid as the other one. Docter isn’t lying to the audience; he’s doing them a favour in pointing this out in vibrant, emotionally-honest style.

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However I’m not going to find Haneke’s downbeat story anywhere near as compelling as Docter’s because I run through the bad scenario in my head literally every day, sometimes over and over again. I hear people hail Haneke’s courage in tackling this story in such a full-on way, that he is a brave soul for looking at our inevitably miserable and tortured final days with confidence, and yeah, compared to the rest of the output of all the film industries in the world, he’s achieved a minor miracle in getting it made and holding to his vision, with all of the ugliness and wonder and even more ugliness that is necessary to maintain his point’s integrity. But in the case of adding new thoughts to my head, this didn’t do it. I agonise over this scenario. I constantly have multiple panic attacks over it, day in and day out, and have done for decades. Seeing Amour was like returning to the office five minutes after I clocked off, and so all I experienced was a movie that told me, “you’re right, your life is going to end and end badly. You’re right to panic about it.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big boy. I know that life is a mix of wonder and horror. I can look at it and recognise it and occasionally even expand my awareness of it enough to feel a soul-deadening sense of paralysing existential dread all on my own, and when a work of art approaches that kind of terrifying power I can embrace it, even absorb it whole and keep it within me. I’m not afraid of that, and I don’t need fluffy palliative art to make the pain go away (well, okay, I do very occasionally, but most of the time I’m cool). But Up‘s message, that in life there are multiple endings and as many beginnings, that there is an alternative to the terror of oblivion, that there are enough years to find new wonders; that’s not something that I think very often. Up made me happy to be alive. Amour didn’t even tell me anything I didn’t already know. It just told me an obvious truth; a truth beautifully and sensitively rendered, but still a truth that I experienced with a shrug of bored recognition.

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So basically I’m massively jaded. And I’m sure it could be said that loving Up‘s positive message over Amour‘s negative one is evidence that I am looking for solace. Fine, okay. But I’ll always respond to tales of the fight against nothingness (Up, The Grey) or the existence of some form of continuity of existence (Cloud Atlas, Enter The Void) with gratitude, because I’m under no illusion that horrible things await me. However, I’d argue that to start in a place of grieving terror at the worthlessness of it all and still tell a story offering a hope that’s smartly delivered, that’s not the easy consolatory message of Hallmark-level entertainment, that can look the horror of existence full in the face and still say, “I don’t think so, buster,” is actually harder to pull off than to just wallow in misery, even when the level of artistry involved in doing so is of such a high standard. In other words, while you’re crying at the incredible performances by Emmanuelle Riva and Jean-Louis Trintingnant, I’ll be over here watching Liam Neeson taping broken bottles to his knuckles, thanks.

Film I Never Ever Ever Want To Fucking Talk About Ever Again: Prometheus

While Amour has generated very little in the way of debate — I’ve only seen one or two other people online who were similarly less-than-amazed by Haneke’s film — other movies have created a firestorm of passionate discourse. None moreso than Sir Ridley of Scott’s Prometheus, which was bafflingly expected to be some kind of sci-fi masterpiece right out of the gate, if some speculation was to be believed. The reaction against it was swift and unpleasant, meaning I couldn’t help but see it through a lens of expectation; will this really be the most appalling insult to the hearts and souls of the nerd culture that I have heard it is? My initial feelings were inevitably reactive, leading to this epic post which, I have to say, was the best thing to come out of watching Prometheus. It has led to me meeting and talking to a lot of very cool people, for which I’m eternally grateful.

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There is inevitably a downside to this. In the weeks after Prometheus was released, online opinion seemed to become set in stone, with an overwhelming majority of people coming out in frothing hatred, while we few, we happy few, we band of brothers who admitted it wasn’t perfect but was worthy of attention beyond the relentless derision it inspired… well, we fought our corner as best we could, but all this did was ossify opinion on either side, leading to endless pointless arguments in which “mistakes” in the film were cited without reflection — as I said in my review, many of the things listed as errors are thematically consistent; thankfully I’ve seen a few others pick up on this as well– and those of us willing to give it a chance are dismissed outright.

Boo hoo, right? Poor Admiral Neck done got into an argument or two. Well, yes, but that’s not the problem. The discussions I’ve had about it have been, for the most part, quite civil and jocular; in fact as I write this another one has sprung up on Twitter. It’s been going on for about 9 hours now, meaning this post — which should have been finished this morning — is only now being completed, hours after I left in despair. Now, I’m extremely fond of all of the people involved in this discussion, and all of the other discussions I’ve participated in, so I’m not referring to any well-liked friends-of-the-blog when I say this, but after nearly seven months of seeing Prometheus referred to by numerous unknown film fans as an absolutely, undeniably, transparently awful and disastrous failure and Exhibit A in the case against the quality of cinema in 2012, I must declare BASTA! ENOUGH! I DON’T WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT PROMETHEUS EVER A-FUCKING-GAIN!

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What broke me? I can’t pinpoint the moment, but I know I lasted longer than Anne Billson, who tweeted a while back that she was done with the relentless negativity about it, especially as she had quite liked it, again with the reservations we all had. I feel much the same way, finding myself constantly on the defensive about a film I think was merely okay. This is the crux of my problem, and why I’ve found myself as annoyed as I seem to be about this and not, say, The Dark Knight Rises or Django Unchained or Zero Dark Thirty, all films which have generated a ton of online conjecture, some of which I agree with and some of which I think misses various important points. The problem with Prometheus is that those who dislike it think it’s not just flawed but actually moronic and genuinely, indefensibly awful, and so to praise it for any reason is to seem similarly stupid.

You can see why this is a problem. Prometheus has generated a tidal wave of disgusted opprobrium from a large percentage of the people who watched it, more so than any other film I can think of this year, and that’s a consequence of its origins as a “prequel” to one of the most beloved film franchises of all time, made by the man who started it off. Unlike any other franchise this year, its success or failure would inevitably be compared to the success of the original Alien, a film that helped change the way films were conceived and made, a cultural artifact of immeasurable influence and importance. If Prometheus wasn’t 2001 x Dark Star x Halloween x Star Wars it was pretty much fucked, and when we got a bit of a misfire with some unexpected narrative choices, a lot of people turned their backs on it without a second thought. This wasn’t just a movie that was arguably good or bad; this was the worst and most catastrophic failure in the history of popular cinema, proof that classical filmmaking was gone forever, the nail in the coffin of an entire cinematic genre. Pack up your things, sci-fi. George Lucas stabbed you in the back and Ridley Scott finished you off.

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Except it’s not anywhere near that bad, and I reckon those of us who have rallied around it are just trying to say look, give it another chance. There are things that can be salvaged from this movie if you’ll just let us explain why we think it has some interesting ideas. The last seven months has taught me that this is a fool’s errand, and the biggest casualty here won’t be the hours wasted in trying to make a case for this movie as Not As Stupid As Alien Vs. Predator (a truly worthless, franchise-ruining calamity of a film that generated a fraction of the loathing that Prometheus did, amazingly enough). The casualty will be the online reputations of those who dare to speak up. Admittedly this is not that big a deal, but all we have online is our reputation, and if you acquire the stink of worthlessness or cluelessness, it follows you around.

If the first thing you hear from me is that I quite liked Prometheus, and you hate it as much as many seem to, then you’re going to think that there’s something wrong with my brain. Among a significant proportion of the online film fan community, there is NO DOUBT that Prometheus is Plan 9-level awful, and to say that it has any kind of merit is not to have spotted a wrinkle that some might have missed, or to have a viewpoint that might shed positive light on choices made by the filmmakers that seem to be risible, but is evidence of a failure of critical thinking, or that one is ignorant of film lore; an unfortunate trend in a lot of online criticism recently which suggests that contravention of some unspoken set of artistic rules is enough to consign a movie to The Hell Of A Million Snarky Jokes, and ignorance of such rules means you shouldn’t be allowed to even talk about such matters.

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Disclaimer: I have a very strict policy of not allowing insulting comments to get onto the site, mostly because letting them through means I kinda have to engage with them or they’ll just sit there like I’ve accepted them as fact, and time and time again, especially in the case of contentious nerd-bait subjects like Prometheus, BSG or Lost there is very little chance that I’m going to find common ground with someone anonymously telling me to go fuck myself. I regret this now for many reasons, but mostly because I’d love to link to the amazing comment I got under that Prometheus review by someone so incensed by the existence of this film and my defence that he or she wrote something like 5000 words (or, more accurately, cut-and-pasted 5000 words from their own takedown of Prometheus), impolitely telling me I shouldn’t be allowed to talk about films. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, and it’s not like I was upset. It was too ridiculous and hilariously unhinged to be offended by.

But I didn’t let it through because by that point, and doubly so now, I’ve found there is nothing to be gained by sticking up for Prometheus. And that made me think that there’s nothing to be gained by talking about films in any capacity. I’m talking about not engaging on Twitter, not reading any reviews even by people I admire, and certainly not writing about films on here. Not because one comment got to me, but because seven months of this circular, combative chatter, much of which was spent merely repeating obnoxious, petty criticisms instead of bringing anything new to the conversation, felt like 150 years of screaming war, and it wearied me so completely, and put me off engaging with strangers — and occasionally friends — so much, that the grand experiment of online discourse as a way to meet like-minded people seemed like it would ultimately prove to be a waste of time. I might have met some cool new people who have agreed with me, but eventually we’re just going to disagree on something else and if the Saga of Prometheus is any indication, these differences of opinion might prove to be insurmountable, and could well jeopardise our nascent friendship, just like the incessant quibbling over Prometheus‘ flaws has threatened to. It’s no coincidence that since writing that review, and meeting a ton of great new people, I’ve nevertheless considered quitting online interaction about once every two weeks.

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So I’ve got a bad case of whiny butthurt. Poor me, I didn’t change the world with my groundbreaking views on a movie based on Erich Von Daniken’s own-brand daftness. Honestly I didn’t expect to, but if ever I felt a sense that this blog was a waste of time, it was this year. It’s not just Prometheus; it’s the whole damn thing. People breeze in and out of your online life, attracted by an RT from a friend but so disgusted by your apparent stupidity that they have to tell you this immediately, because to keep such an ultimately useless thought to oneself is unacceptable. A couple of times this year I’ve been RTd by celebrities (fortuitous and accidental events every time), and the result is random abuse from strangers who object to… fuck, I don’t know. Just things. And this is a fraction of what those celebrities experience every day. I can’t imagine what it would be like to endure that, because I despair at the slightest point-missing stupidity, and a sustained blast of that from dawn ’til dusk would make me throw my laptop onto a skip.

Maybe it’s just this one film. Maybe I can sacrifice it, just forget about it and think of it as the dangerous place on the map. Here Be Dragons, the forbidden land which holds only misery for those who trespass. Perhaps I can live with that. I don’t love Prometheus anywhere near as much as the many other derided genre films that I’ve tried to defend in the past, like Speed Racer or Enter The Void or John Carter. The problem here is that it’s never going to be just one film, that I can ringfence Prometheus but some other unexpectedly inflammatory opinion is going to come up again, and I’m going to have to face those fleeting disparagements. How offputting is the knowledge that by sticking my neck out this blog risks becoming a pariah within this community, the equivalent of the house on the street that the kids love to TP because the person who lives there is some unapproachable weirdo. Maybe I should just give it up altogether. Maybe I should, in the words of Corporal Hicks, nuke the site from orbit; it’s the only way to be sure.

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And yet… and yet…

Film That Might Just Show Me The Way To A Better Online Life: Looper

As I’ve said a number of times in my last ten or so posts, this year has been one of baffling frustration. A series of highly-anticipated films left me feeling disappointed and annoyed, emotions placed in stark contrast with the utterly uncomplicated joy provided by The Avengers, which was as pure a hit of euphoric pleasure as I’ve ever had in a cinema. Compared to that, the bursts of pleasure I anticipated from everything else has been stymied, and little has truly surprised me other than Wolf Children and a couple of others. Even genre films I thought would be slamdunks — The Raid, Dredd, Skyfall, The Hunger Games — were close-calls that would have made me happy any other year but, this time around, just didn’t slake my thirst for cinematic satisfaction.

Looper was the worst offender. Watching it on opening night was even more exasperating than my first viewing of Dredd or The Raid — why is this movie not sending me sky-rocketing into the air with joy? — and as infuriating as my first crack at Skyfall — not only did I miss the first few minutes because someone working at Odeon Swiss Cottage inexplicably and incorrectly told me the film was starting ten minutes after it actually began, but a woman sitting six rows behind us translated every line in the movie into Cantonese for her mother; Skyfall was ruined by sitting in a roomful of drunk and bored idiots with tiny bladders, not to mention kids who couldn’t figure out why there was so much talking instead of the shooting they’d been promised. Was this why I didn’t respond to Looper the same way everyone else did?

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Over the last week I’ve been chatting with ace critic and all-round top chap Nathan Ditum about Looper, which he loves with a terrifying and persuasive intensity. This was the reaction I expected to have; I love the time travel genre like no other, it stars a number of my favourite actors (and Paul Dano), it’s made by an artist I think is touched by the hand of genius — my love of The Brothers Bloom often feels like a lonely cry in the wild — and who does things with the camera that no one else has even considered before & always, always pulls it off even though by all the laws of filmmaking he shouldn’t. He’s the anti-Tom Hooper, pretty much. All of this is why my grudging acceptance of the movie made me so annoyed.

Nathan gave me a passionate rundown of everything he thought Looper did right, and I responded by talking about the things that left me cold — mostly my frustrations with the way Rian Johnson keeps the mechanics of the time-travel rules unclear in order to give himself room to manoevre on an emotional level, and how this meant that the central conflict between the two Joes didn’t hit me as hard as it could have. Old Joe’s need to find and kill the Rainmaker only really works in the abstract, as his explanations of why this all-powerful and terrifying force is something to be feared made me wonder if maybe he was in the right. Of course this is a terrible thing to think, but if all we have to go on are the vague descriptions in Johnson’s script, all of which are done to keep the time travel conceit working, then it’s impossible to fully side with either Joe.

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This wasn’t the only thing that bothered me; the drop in energy in the second half frustrated me, I found the child distracting and overwhelmingly horrible (thus skewing my feelings about his survival even more), and the inclusion of two disparate SF concepts in one film — time travel and telekinesis — felt clunky, a choice that felt like it was made only for the sake of adding spectacle and danger to the plot. If the emergence of TK had been linked to the beginning of the time loops, using even awful ST:TNG technobabble, I’d have bought it immediately. Merely adding TK so the film could have an Akira-esque telekinetic antagonist is not really that bad, but it felt like an arbitrary and pandering inclusion, instead of an essential element without which this fictional world would have collapsed.

All of these things could be filed under “nitpicking” (thanks to the ever-excellent Sam Binnie for giving me the heads-up on this Film Crit Hulk article), much like many of the criticisms leveled at Prometheus are almost comically trivial and tend only to be employed to bolster the argument that it is inherently worthless, but at least some of these criticisms feel like valid explanations for why I wasn’t as moved by Looper in the way I’d expected. The power of the story is blunted by these choices, especially the time travel rules one. I will happily admit I’m anal about time travel, thinking only Primer and Lost (and maybe Back To The Future 2) have told stories that adhere to believable time travel mechanics, and my hopes for Looper were raised sky-high when I heard Shane Carruth helped Johnson out.

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And yet even if I drop my usual fixation on temporal, causal rigour, I still have to take an intellectual leap to swallow some of the motivations here. I don’t feel Old Joe’s pain in my gut; I have to use maths to get there, and this is going to take me out of the film no matter how good Bruce Willis is at depicting the regret and sadness of the aging assassin. I was already thinking hard all the way through, constantly checking my reaction to the film to see if I was having a good time, and then analysing every element in the film to figure out why it wasn’t giving me the uplift I had expected. As I said to Nathan, I had hoped this would slip down like a cool drink of water on a hot day, but I ended up spilling most of it before I got the glass to my mouth.

There’s the rub. After this conversation (not included here because it was quite long and I don’t have Nathan’s permission), I’ve come to realise I am overthinking it, especially as we found much common-ground regarding the brilliant use of the two Joes to dramatise the generation gap, with young and impetuous Young Joe learning to grow and take responsibility after coming up against the mournful Old Joe who is willing to do awful things to save the things he has lost as a result of his earlier poor judgements. The nebulousness of Johnson’s time-travel rules irked me then, but the more I talked about it with Nathan (and others on Twitter and Letterboxd) have made me think I’m being too hard on it, that if I’d just rolled with it I would have experienced something of great power instead of finicky complication. That intellectual leap was unnecessary on the day; I should have had faith in Johnson.

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In much the same way that everyone should have more faith in Ridley Scott and Damon Lindelof. Both men were set up for a fall with Prometheus. Fans of Alien were sceptical of the old man’s abilities, even though in recent years he’s given us Black Hawk Down and Kingdom of Heaven, both of which are not the work of someone phoning it in. Former fans of Lost, or those who didn’t watch it and based their opinions on what they heard about the show from highly vocal people who didn’t like how it developed, need no help in hating Lindelof, and any similarities between the Island-set fantasy and this sci-fi epic were bound to be taken as proof of his incompetence. As I argued in that original post, there are a number of significant overlapping themes, and they’re the ones that viewers of Lost didn’t respond to, so Prometheus didn’t stand a chance.

But if I’m going to argue that people should give Prometheus a chance, I have to be willing to do the same thing with one of the nerd kingdom’s causes célèbres, even if I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept the make-up on Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or like that goddamn kid, or swallow moments that probably sounded great on paper but don’t work onscreen like Young Joe escaping death by shooting the floor to create a huge obscuring cloud of dust. I’m going to try Looper again, and I’m going to… well, not exactly turn my brain off, because that’s an insult to Johnson, who is obviously not trying to create some no-brainer here. But I’ll dial down my reservations, try to meet him halfway, because he deserves a second-chance as much as Scott and Lindelof do.

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As for my ongoing internal debate about whether or not it’s worth my while to stay online, Nathan pretty much settled that one for me. There will come many a time when someone smart, with interesting views and something to add to a conversation, will wander past this blog or see me talking to someone on Twitter, and in a moment of unfortunate impulse tell me that I really should just go fuck myself. And that’ll be a shame. And a rare occurrence. More often it’ll be someone I’ll never really like, and they can go with whatever God they believe in. Because the important thing is that I’ve met many more people who are worth the effort to stay here, and even if they end up being the only people I meet here, then that’s a goddamn great thing, and these differences of opinion on Prometheus or Looper or anything else are no biggie, and can even, if this discussion about Looper is anything to go by, end up altering my viewpoint for the better. And that’s another point in the plus column for Looper.

Good news! Only one post left to go in Listmania!, and it’s the stupid one that won’t get bogged down in introspection. Now all I have to do is find 18883 photos on IMDb.

Listmania ’12! Miscellaneous Movie Observations: Part One

The first four parts of Listmania! 2012 might seem to be pretty exhaustive, but having seen well over 100 films last year (a small number for a film critic, but a hefty number for someone such as myself, who spent most of the year playing Halo) there are inevitably going to be a few films that slip through the cracks, being neither brilliant or terrible. They were often films that inspired frenetic note-taking for blogposts that never got written, or films seemingly condemned to be forgotten about but which lingered either like a pleasant perfume on a spring morning, or a kebab fart in a friend’s bathroom, depending on the movie. Much as I’d like to think I can move on without talking about them, often my reaction to them speaks to my state of mind during and after experiencing them, so for the sake of clearing the clutter out of my head, the last posts in this series will be my attempt to close the door on 2012 so I can get on with enjoying 2013.

Biggest Disappointment of the Year: Cosmopolis

After the unendurable famine that starved David Cronenberg’s fanbase of his singular genius for four years — FOUR YEARS — we got half a feast with 2011′s brilliantly realised adaptation of Christopher Hampton’s A Dangerous Method, which thrilled this blog enough to place it at number 6 in SoC’s previous Best Films Listmania! extravaganza. While critics seemed mystified, mistaking the great man’s precision for bloodlessness, or by exposing their ignorance of his work by complaining that a film about the schism between the mind and the body was a departure from his previous films – merely because there was no gore and therefore lacked the one thing they lazily knew about him – for some of us this was a late-career classic, the kind of thrillingly intellectual work we’ve come to expect. This excitement was enhanced by the knowledge that we’d only have to wait another year to get the second half of this feast. Could he strike twice this quickly and maintain that quality?

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The plunging enthusiasm I felt during his adaptation of Don DeLillo’s novel has only ever occurred once before while watching one of his films, midway through my only viewing of Eastern Promises, but while that seemed like a weird misfire attributable to the script – which he wasn’t responsible for – Cosmopolis‘ problems stem from the fact that Cronenberg hasn’t done anything particularly drastic with the novel, which was already a rambling, overly-ambitious and unfocused book that tried desperately to capture a snapshot of the world that was moving so rapidly past the writer’s window that all we got for his efforts was a meaningless smudge. When reading it in preparation for the movie I could see hints of what Cronenberg found interesting enough to adapt it – man and/versus machine, symbiosis between the mind and an artificial system that transforms the world, sexual deviance and emotional stasis, mental collapse and physical decay – but hoped that he would temper DeLillo’s worst excesses; the arch dialogue, the preachiness, the desperation of his attempt to make a touchstone for our times.

This was not to be. In fact, some of Cronenberg’s choices exacerbate the problems of the novel, primarily the curiously stagy performances from the majority of the cast, Robert Pattinson aside. While Cronenberg deserves praise for drawing such promising work from the previously unconvincing actor, he makes great actors like Samantha Morton and Juliette Binoche deliver dialogue regrettably translated from the novel almost verbatim as if they are the most precocious self-help gurus at the world’s worst staff training day. Their pronouncements about the state of the world, and the ways in which our protagonist can affect the systems he is hooked up to, are deeply uncomfortable viewing for a fan, because the reasons for this choice are mystifying. Are these displays for a king residing in his mobile, air-conditioned throne? This is the only thing I could come up with to explain it.

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And believe me, I tried for a long time to justify this film’s unexpected cluelessness, hoping to convince myself that Cronenberg’s adherence to such risible source material was some brilliant choice that I just didn’t understand properly yet. My growing discomfort with critics who second-guess artists who have a proven intellectual capacity and transparent mastery of their chosen form meant that I was eager to find a way to blame myself for my instinctive rejection of this, especially as the critical reaction to A Dangerous Method had irked me so much. I took notes for a blogpost that would probably have been ten times as long – and one hundred times more apologetic – than my defence of Prometheus, but I didn’t have the heart to write it. Instead I just gave up on the film. There’s nothing to pick apart that isn’t contained in the book, at least not much, other than Cronenberg’s ability to keep the film interesting when it’s mostly spent in a limo. And he does a good job of that, even if the rambling monologues drain the enthusiasm from the viewer, and despite occasional moments like the scene in which Mathieu Amalric berates protagonist Eric Packer; possibly the worst blocked and staged scene in a movie released last year.

Is it a total disaster? No Cronenberg movie could ever be considered as such, it’s just not possible. Pattinson is impressive, as is Paul Giamatti, whose appearance at the end crystallises the film’s “plot” in a way even the book didn’t. The confrontation between the protagonist and his until-then hidden antagonist fires the imagination in the way I had hoped the rest of it would, and makes a mockery of the decision to make the rest of the film so damnably stagy. Also Cronenberg removes some cluttering ideas from DeLillo, turning his protagonist from the man who may have crashed the financial system – and robbed his wife of her riches – in a series of nihilistic actions into the victim of what seems to be a day-long panic attack that may or may not have led to his death. Cronenberg seems more interested in making the man a victim instead of the instigator of the world’s financial doom, which makes sense; he’s usually interested in the idea of people losing control, not in having too much power.

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And there are touches that link this to his other films; that symbiosis is there, expressed in the anecdotes from Packer’s employees, who think fondly of the machines they use as tools or extensions of themselves. We also get sexual complications, prostate examinations, intercourse with a bodyguard still wearing her kevlar; this is the mind/body/machine stuff we want from the man. But throughout there are too many wrong choices, too much hesitance, from a man I thought would have relished the idea of scrambling DeLillo’s book into a new and exciting form the way he played with Bari Wood and Jack Geasland’s Twins for Dead Ringers, or his thrilling adaptation of Naked Lunch, which turned intentional incomprehensibility into disgusting and coherent fantasy. I’d hesitate to call it a failure, and certainly wouldn’t write the genius off, but it just stumped me. All the reflection it created in me had nothing to do with parsing his message, but more in wondering why he made something so boring. This was not what I signed up for.

Pleasant Surprise of the Year: Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

A year ago, looking at lists of 2012′s most anticipated films, there’s no way I would have even selected this for viewing, let alone expected to write anything about it. The first two Madagascar films are, as far as I could tell from seeing clips and hearing accounts, everything that is wrong with modern animation, channeling the wrong kind of wacky humour from years past, trying too hard to keep the eye busy with all manner of tired visual cues (crash zooms on characters posing; a crime in any film but especially in cartoons where it’s used so damn much) and pop culture references. When people started praising this third installment, I figured it must be worth a shout, especially after finding out that it was co-written by Noah Baumbach, of all people. I couldn’t help but be curious about this mash-up. But first I had to watch the other two, because continuity or something.

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And god help me I hated them. HATED them. They were exactly as I had feared; tired and shouty, lazily written, obnoxiously directed, witless and charmless and unbearably loud. It took all of my will to get through them, resisting the temptation to count the number of times an instantly dated pop culture reference cropped up, or a character reacted to another’s display of joy with a mute expression of horror (surely the most overused comedic sting of the last fifteen years, and particularly so in animated movies). Their appeal with kids made sense; they’re silly and noisy and restless (the first two Madagascar movies, not kids. Well, kids too, but… you get me). But for a fan of animation, it hurt to see what Dreamworks was willing to put out before finding its feet with How To Train Your Dragon and SoC’s beloved Kung Fu Panda franchise; two elegant examples of what animation can achieve with imagination and passion, compared to the Tex Avery-aping forced wackiness of Madagascar 1 and 2.

So was it Noah Baumbach who made Madagascar 3 such a delight? Who knows how much input he had into the development of this berserk threequel. It’s tempting to think not much, as the film shares two directors from the previous movies – Eric Darnell and Tom McGrath, with Darnell on co-writing duties – so you’d expect more of a continuity in terms of tone, even with a new writer onboard, especially as Idiocracy co-writer Etan Cohen joined the team for the second film and that turned out to be as annoying as the first. And yet here we are, with a similarly frenetic comedy, admittedly still committing some of the crimes of the first two, but this time tempered with a bit of grace among the hectic setpieces and ever-expanding cast of characters, notes of sadness and reflection that make the characters come alive more than the mechanical arcs of the previous movies.

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But more than that, Madagascar rise far far above the first two installments by completely abandoning any semblance of restraint, launching itself without fear of audience alienation in a dizzying new direction. Where the franchise had occasionally hinted at being more ambitious than I thought, the temptation to rely on rote jokes and set-ups – hell, the second movie is basically an enormous Lion King pastiche – hadn’t been surmounted. But what the hell is going on in this movie, with its “nukular”-powered vans, banana-guns, reality-bending circus tigers, an eye-melting mid-movie Cirque-De-Soleil homage that reaches the level of breathtaking surrealistic uplift, and best of all, a demented antagonist voiced by an obviously merry Frances McDormand who is half-Terminator, half-Edith Piaf? Suddenly this franchise made perfect sense, and instead of being the resident idiot of the Dreamworks stable became its most anarchic pleasure. Also, it inspired this. Dammit.

While Tim Burton continued to rest on his laurels and gave us the entirely unsurprising Frankenweenie, Madagascar 3 proved it’s possible to make something that honours the expectations of the franchise’s fans while also refining the finished product, and while it’s not quite in the same league as SoC’s beloved Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, it will inevitably end up on our repeat-watch list. Will Madagascar be able to maintain this kind of invention through further installments? If they don’t get Baumbach back who knows, but you’d hope that Darnell will realise that holding back on the pop culture references and amping up the invention and lack of respect for convention is the key to this latest sequel’s immense financial – and critical – success. A return to its previous form will be a disappointment, but even so, this enormous surprise remains, and provides hope where there was none before.

Best Documentary of the Year: The Central Park Five. Or West of Memphis. Or Room 237, The Imposter, Or The Queen of Versailles

To those who don’t visit this site whenever I post something, you probably don’t know that Listmania! is an ongoing project with a format I try to follow annually. I suspect even my regular readers haven’t spotted that my award for Hammiest Performance by Michael Sheen award has been going for four years, and that I’m terrified that he won’t provide us with another crazy performance in 2013 (the one year he wasn’t in a Twilight movie was the year of Tron: Legacy, oh joy of joys: see below for further elucidation). What looks like a splurge of random comments and awards is actually done with a level of consistency that’s pretty much unwarranted, I’ll happily admit, but it gives me some pleasure to attempt that kind of fidgety anal continuity.

But for two years I’ve had to break that format, and it has greatly irked me. My Best of 2012 list didn’t feature my usual Best Documentary nomination for the second year running, but while the first omission was because I didn’t see any documentaries in 2011 (for shame!), this time it was because I’d seen five and they were all very good-to-excellent and I couldn’t make my mind up which would win out. The Central Park Five and West of Memphis are probably the ones on the bottom, but I honestly can’t decide between The Imposter, Room 237 or The Queen of Versailles. All three astonished me for various reasons; choosing a favourite has led to a long internal debate that wasn’t resolved by New Year’s Eve.

I’m tempted to say Room 237 is my choice for all the reasons laid out here; in short I find it easier to love this over attempts to depict real-world controversies as I don’t have to agonise over the difficulty in interpreting reality in a form that will inevitably fall prey to authorial distortion, especially as Room 237 is pretty much about differing interpretations. It’s also a beautifully edited work which even, in its best moments, creates an ominous atmosphere in keeping with the tone of its subject matter (The Shining for those who haven’t yet enjoyed it). It was easily one of the highlights of the 2012 London Film Festival, and I’m looking forward to seeing it again, but does that mean I should make it my pick of the year?

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Of course, The Imposter is another film about interpretation of reality, though I don’t want to say too much about that for fear of spoiling some of its most delightfully shocking moments. Very little else this year has made me gasp in amazement as loudly as this, both during the movie and at the end, when I realised that the excellent score was by an acquaintance who I met when she was about to embark on her career scoring films. Though I’ve seen interesting Twitter interpretations of Bart Layton’s movie — both in terms of meaning and execution — by Mike D’Angelo and Geoff LaTulippe that have transformed my initial enthusiasm into doubt, I still regard this film incredibly highly. Some might not like how he manipulates the audience, but even taking into account my usual concerns over veracity and dramatisation it was an unforgettable experience at the time. I can’t deny that the showmanship of both Layton and the subject, Frédéric Bourdin, left me breathless.

Which was also what The Queen of Versailles managed too, but not in a particularly pleasurable way. Much as I don’t want to succumb to the reflexive class-warfare fury that I carry within myself like a briefcase full of bees, every so often you hear something about the rich that makes it almost impossible. Be it a story about executive bonuses, cruelty against underpaid employees, erosion of workers’ rights, or profligate and wasteful expenditure on extravagant and useless fripperies, I will allow myself an expletive-splurge and then try to move on without thinking that this human race is fucked, and the oncoming post-apocalyptic reboot might be a good thing.

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So you can imagine that The Queen of Versailles was simultaneously very very hard to endure while also being a chance to totally indulge in frothing, screaming, ferocious anger; a Hundred-Minute Hate that I barely survived. Lauren Greenfield stumbled upon what could be The Story Of Our Age, a tale of hubris and disgusting lack of empathy, arrogance and cruelty and the price of the justice that the angriest of us pray for. This tale of the Siegel family shows them as vile, thoughtless parasites but also as recognisably flawed humans, greedy but lost, giving an extra dimension to the 2D villains we conjure up in our heads when we think of the rich and powerful.

And yet despite this skillfully rendered picture of the 1%, I still loathed them, even when I understood them, even when I thought, “Their loss is experienced by their employees a thousand-fold and I shouldn’t hope for their failure”, even when I realised they’re just the tip of an enormous Botox-filled iceberg and there are so many other dysfunctional, grasping, clueless rich scumbags in the world, happily throwing the rest of us into a landfill site in order to justify their comfort. No other movie has made me futilely scream so many epithets at the screen. Good job I watched it at home; if I’d seen it in public I would’ve been arrested for inciting a riot. These fucking assholes!

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So which is my favourite of these movies? Probably The House I Live In by Nicholas Jarecki. Okay, I haven’t seen it yet, even though it was on BBC4 a few days ago (I love you, BBC’s Storyville, you’re the best thing in the world), but in the interests of resolving a tie-breaker, and in possibly supporting what would otherwise have been a confusing metaphor by Quentin Tarantino when discussing his Golden Globe Award for Best Screenplay, it’ll do. Next year hopefully I’ll see some actually bad documentaries, because right now they’re such a novelty to me I have very little understanding of what makes them work or not work, which makes it hard to talk about them objectively.

Okay, my next Listmania! entry is a bit of a grumpy one, and much of it rests on my frustration with not only the cinematic output of 2012, but also my relationship with the online critical consensus, and the war that rages within me as I attempt to figure out how to tell a story by looking at the efforts of others. Please bear with me as I try to work this confusing introspective shit out.

Listmania ’12! Crew Contributions Of The Year

As ever, my tardiness means this post goes up after the Oscar nominations are out, instead of, you know, in 2012, but in a way this is good as I can use this paragraph to have a little moan about the usual snubs. Most of them don’t really bother me as much as they used to because, of course, the Academy is never going to match my opinion and to think it ever would would be the height of arrogance, but to know that the cowardly decision not to pick Kathryn Bigelow (I assume it’s cowardice over the ongoing torture controversy) probably made that massive fraud and douchebag Bret Easton Ellis dance a little jig of joy yesterday makes me desperately unhappy. Fuck this sexist asshole, and don’t even try to tell me he’s got talent to back up his bitchiness. My dick can write better than him.

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And that’s all. I’m just too damn tired to give a full rant there. I mean, sure, I can understand why Tarantino didn’t get a nomination (Django‘s not just controversial, it’s also really bratty and no one would have wanted to nominate that), and I can almost see why my pick for director of the year Paul Thomas Anderson didn’t get nominated (either because the movie’s too weird or the Academy’s scared of Sea Org), but no nomination for a film as bravely, rigorously constructed as Zero Dark Thirty, something so sober and challenging and just goddamn important? I just despair. It soured my pleasure at seeing The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists! nominated for a Best Animated Feature award, which of course made up for the Bafta snub. Well, Bigelow’s snub and the knowledge that Benh Zeitlin got the nomination she deserved. Just… what?

So you’d better believe I added Bigelow to my Best Director list. In your face, BEE, you pissy little controversy-courting gnome. My selection negates the Oscar snub, you better believe it. I’m going to send her prize in the post later today (it’s a shredded copy of Less Than Zero). One more thing to add; I’m not entirely sure what the tags do at the bottom of this post; clicking on them allows you to see every post on this site with the same tag? Or every post on WordPress? Whatever. I’ve been operating with maximum ignorance for years now, and the last post I did featured so many tags it took me an hour and a half to add them all (anyone who uses WordPress will know how fiddly the dashboard tag-adding system is), so this time I’ll either add, like, ten, or one that just says “Movies” because life’s too short. The only thing that makes me feel better about this foolishness is that BEE probably doesn’t know what tags are for either. Because he sucks. Now, on with the listy show.

Best Director: Paul Thomas Anderson – The Master

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Honorable Mentions: 

Leos Carax – Holy Motors

Kathryn Bigelow - Zero Dark Thirty

Joe Carnahan – The Grey

Quentin Tarantino - Django Unchained

Mamoru Hosoda – Wolf Children

Best Directorial Debut: Juan Carlos Medina – Painless

Honorable Mention: Josh Trank – Chronicle

Best Screenplay: Martin McDonagh – Seven Psychopaths

Honorable Mentions:

Paul Thomas Anderson – The Master

Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon – Cabin in the Woods

François Ozon – Dans La Maison

Quentin Tarantino – Django Unchained

Chris Terrio – Argo

Best Cinematography: Mihai Malaimare, Jr. – The Master

Honorable Mentions:

Stéphane Fontaine – Rust and Bone

Wally Pfister – The Dark Knight Rises

Dariusz Wolski – Prometheus

Greig Fraser – Killing Them Softly

Nicholas D. Knowland – Berberian Sound Studio

Best Digital Photography:  Roger Deakins – Skyfall

Best 3D Photography: Anthony Dod Mantle – Dredd

Best Editing: Alexander Berner – Cloud Atlas (spoilers in clip)

Honorable Mention: William Goldenberg and Dylan Tichenor - Zero Dark Thirty

Best Soundtrack: Takagi Masakatsu – Wolf Children

Honorable Mentions:

Hans Zimmer – The Dark Knight Rises

Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek and Tom Tykwer - Cloud Atlas

Dickon Hinchliffe – Shadow Dancer

Mark Streitenfeld – Prometheus

Alexandre Desplat - Moonrise Kingdom

Best Original Song: Touch The Sky by Julie Fowlis – Brave

Best Costume Design: Mayes C. Rubeo – John Carter

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Honorable Mentions:

Lindy Hemming - The Dark Knight Rises

Eiko Ishioka – Mirror, Mirror

Margot Wilson – Lawless

Sharen Davis – Django Unchained

Janty Yates – Prometheus

Best Visual Effects: Weta Digital, ILM, Digital Domain, Stereo D, Hydraulx… basically everyone in the industry except Buf (apologies to all those I missed out) - The Avengers

Honorable Mentions:

Weta Digital – The Hobbit

Weta Digital, MPC and Fuel VFX – Prometheus

Cinesite, Stereo D, Double Negative, MPC - John Carter

Double Negative, Buf, MPC, The Third Floor, Prime Focus and many more - Total Recall

Double Negative – The Dark Knight Rises

Best Sound Design: Richard King – The Dark Knight Rises

Honorable Mentions:

Alan Rankin and Mark P. Stoeckinger – Jack Reacher

Timothy Nielsen and Jonathan Null – John Carter

Stephen Hunter Flick – Total Recall

Frank E. Eulner – The Avengers

Darren and Gregory King – Battleship

Best Production Design / Art Direction: Patrick Tatopoulos, Oana Bogdan and Brandt Gordon - Total Recall

Honorable Mentions:

Nathan Crowley, James Hambidge and Naaman Marshall – John Carter

Nathan Crowley, James Hambidge, Naaman Marshall and Kevin Kavanaugh – The Dark Knight Rises

Arthur Max and John King – Prometheus

Dan Hennah and Simon Bright – The Hobbit

J. Michael Riva and David F. Klassen – Django Unchained

Worst Director: Rob Cohen – Alex Cross

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Dishonorable Mentions:

Paul W.S Anderson – Resident Evil: Retribution

Nima Nourizadeh – Project X

Simon West – The Expendables 2

William Brent Bell – The Devil Inside

Akiva Schaffer – The Watch

Worst Screenplay: Marc Moss and Kerry Williamson – Alex Cross

Dishonorable Mentions:

Paul W.S. Anderson – Resident Evil: Retribution

Timothy Dowling, Simon Kinberg and Marcus Gautesen – This Means War

Jennifer Westfeldt - Friends With Kids

Seth Grahame-Smith and John August – Dark Shadows

Evan Daugherty, John Lee Hancock and Hossein Amini - Snow White and the Huntsman

Worst Cinematography: Ricardo Della Rosa – Alex Cross

Dishonorable Mentions:

Simon Dennis – The Sweeney

Brandon Trost – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Shelly Johnson – The Expendables 2

Gonzalo Amat - The Devil Inside

“Crash” aka Karsten Gopinath – Step Up Revolution

Worst Editing: Matt Diezel and Thom Noble – Alex Cross

Dishonorable Mention: Camille Dellamare and Vincent Tabaillon – Taken 2

Most Valuable Player In Cinema 2012: Megan Ellison, producer extraordinaire

Okay, I’m being yelled at to go to sleep (both by humans and felines). There’s still more to come, with miscellaneous gubbins including Most Surprising Film of the Year, Most Disappointing Film of the Year, and Film I Never Ever Ever Want To Fucking Talk About Ever Again.

Listmania ’12: Performances Of The Year

For regular visitors to the Land of Caruso-Shades the realisation that Listmania! isn’t even halfway over yet won’t be too much of a surprise, but for everyone else who stumbles across this, I’ll wager the emotion is something akin to what it would be like if your soul wanted to vomit ectoplasm. Listmania! never ends! As soon as I finish the next ::checks WordPress dashboard:: ::winces:: three to four posts I’ll be thinking about the next series of Listmania! posts, wondering if the movies I see at the start of 2013 will still impress me by the end (fyi The Grey was one of the first films I saw in 2012 and I was still in love with it twelve months later. Good work, @Carnojoe.)

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Of course this list took longer to do than I’d planned, as we were catching up on movies I’d wanted to watch for the main lists. Django! Zero Dark Thirty! The Paperboy! And two of them were very good, while one of them was… ::thousand-yard stare::, but whaddayaknow, I was right to put Avengers at the top of the best list. I honestly thought Django would easily beat it but to do that it would also have to beat Inglourious Basterds, and it doesn’t, at all, and I should have realised that because Basterds is a goddamn masterpiece. I liked Django all right but I didn’t flip for it, even despite the righteous carnage inflicted upon Whitey by the brilliantly realised hero.

In fact I think I liked Zero Dark Thirty more, which I didn’t expect. And yet even that wasn’t better than The Avengers. Yes, Jessica Chastain is very impressive and Kathryn Bigelow’s direction is forensically precise and admirable, and the entire cast is fantastic, full of SoC favourites from supernaturally charismatic Jason Clarke to Chris Pratt (utterly incapable of not giving a funny spin to every line) to Kyle Chandler and his Parted-Hair-of-Efficient-Bureaucracy, but it doesn’t feature the God of Thunder holding his arm out for a scarily long time, summoning Mjolnir through a flying helicarrier’s wall, and then twatting the Hulk with it. Nothing tops that.

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Okay, here are the performances of the year, both good, bad and miscellaneous. I’ve spent way longer than usual on this but as ever I just know I’ve forgotten something. Sorry, whoever you were that I loved / hated. Quick caveat, as ever! When I say “Worst Performance” that is meant to direct my ire at the work in this performance alone, and is not a value judgement on them in general. Some of the people on those lists are actors / actresses I really like, but they were poorly directed or made poor choices and ruined or negatively affected the movie they were in. I’m sure they will understand.

Best Performance by an Actress: Marion Cotillard – Rust and Bone

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Honorable Mentions:

Jennifer Lawrence – The Hunger Games

Andrea Riseborough – Shadow Dancer

Meryl Streep – Hope Springs

Emmanuelle Riva – Amour

Anna Kendrick – Pitch Perfect

Best Performance by an Actor: Joaquin Phoenix – The Master

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Honorable Mentions:

Liam Neeson – The Grey

Denis Lavant – Holy Motors

Toby Jones – Berberian Sound Studio

Michael Fassbender - Prometheus

Tommy Lee Jones – Hope Springs

Best Supporting Performance by an Actress: Dame Judi Dench – Skyfall

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Honorable Mentions: 

Doona Bae (as Sonmi-451) – Cloud Atlas

Olivia Thirlby – Dredd

Linda Bright Clay – Seven Psychopaths

Mia Wasikowska – Lawless

Ann Dowd - Compliance

Best Supporting Performance by an Actor: Christopher Walken – Seven Psychopaths

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Honorable Mentions:

Michael Shannon – Premium Rush

Leonardo DiCaprio – Django Unchained

James Gandolfini – Killing Them Softly

Philip Seymour Hoffman – The Master

Gary Oldman – The Dark Knight Rises

Most Likable Ensemble Cast: The Avengers

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Best Individual Voice Work: Hugh Grant – The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists

Best Voice Cast/Direction: Chris Fell / Sam Fell – ParaNorman

Breakthrough Performance by an Actress: Quvenzhané Wallis - Beasts of the Southern Wild

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Breakthrough Performance by an Actor: Ernst Umhauer – Dans La Maison

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Best Performance by a Singer (Female): Kylie Minogue - Holy Motors

Best Performance by a Singer (Male): Tom Waits – Seven Psychopaths

Best Performance by a Film Director: Werner Herzog – Jack Reacher

Best Cameo: Harry Dean Stanton – The Avengers

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Honorable Mention: Vincent Gallo – 2 Days in Paris

Franchise-Saviour of the Year: Josh Brolin – Men in Black III

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Best Recasting of the Year: Edward Norton (a not-quite-convincing Bruce Banner in The Incredible Hulk) becomes Mark Ruffalo (charming but dark, funny but tragic; the definitive Bruce Banner, in The Avengers)

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Most Improved Performance Of The Year, Which Isn’t A Surprise As He Was Working With David Cronenberg And He’s Never Made A Movie That Didn’t Have An Excellent Lead Performance: Robert Pattinson – Cosmopolis

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“I Think You Should Work Exclusively With The Wachowskis And / Or Tom Tykwer From Now On Because They Made You Raise Your Game 1000% For This” Performances of the Year: Halle Berry (as Luisa Rey and Meronym) – Cloud Atlas

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Best Performance That Doesn’t Really Match The Tone Of The Film, Thus Leading To A Weird, Discombobulating Effect Where You Think, “This Is Really Good But I Kinda Hate It”: Tom Cruise - Rock of Ages

“See? I Told You He Could Act, But I Still Kept Getting Pushback Even After I Said He Was Amazing In The Lincoln Lawyer And Bernie Which, I Get It, Nobody Saw, But Now This Year Everyone’s Acting Like They Always Liked Him And I Call Bullshit On That, Cuz I Have A Very Long Memory For Shit Like This, You Have No Idea, So Don’t Come Around Here Acting Like You’re His Biggest Fan When He Starts Getting Oscar Buzz For Jeff Nichols’ Mud, I’m Fucking Serious” Performances of the Year: Matthew McConaughey - Magic Mike / Killer Joe / The Paperboy

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“You’re So Much More Interesting As An Actor When You’re Not Just Shrieking ‘OPTIMUUUUUUUUS’ At A Gaffer Holding A Cardboard Cut-Out Of A Big Robot” Performance Of The Year – Shia LaBoeuf – Lawless

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“You’re So Much More Interesting As An Actress When You’re Not Having To Wastefully Bounce Your Personality Off A Charisma Tar-Pit Like Gerard Butler And You Get To Work With A Director / Writer Who Trusts You And Gives You Funny Material” Performance Of The Year – Jennifer Aniston – Wanderlust

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Honorary McConaughey Award For Being So Much Better Than People Give Him Credit For, Especially In This: Seann William Scott – Goon

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“I Really Hope You Get To Have The Career My Hero Chiwetel Ejiofor Almost Got Before Ending Up Playing Second Fiddle To Actors Significantly Less Talented And Appealing Than Him Because Dammit, You’re Just As Good” Performances of the Year: David Oyelowo – Jack Reacher / The Paperboy (and Lincoln and Red Tails, which I haven’t seen yet)

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“Good Work Making This Undistinguished Movie Seem Better Than It Was, But I Do Hope You Get To Diversify Soon Because Even Though This Incremental Step Away From Your Stock Character Is A Promising Move You Need To Really Push It Now, IMO, Or You’ll End Up Like Ken Jeong, Just Doing The Same Thing Over And Over Again, And Look Where That Got Him, I Mean He’s Been In Two Michael Bay Movies In A Row, And I Don’t Think That’ll Ever Happen To You, Because Bay Only Ever Recognises Women If They’ve Been In Their Smalls In FHM, But Something Similarly Restrictive Might Happen, And We Don’t Want That” Performance of the Year: Aubrey Plaza – Safety Not Guaranteed

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Scenestealing Actress of the Year: Anne Hathaway - The Dark Knight Rises

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Scenestealing Actor of the Year: Bill Nighy – Wrath of the Titans

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Best Career Moves of the Year (Actress): Marion Cotillard - The Dark Knight Rises / Rust and Bone

Honorable Mention: Emily Blunt - Looper / Your Sister’s Sister (and less so, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen / The Five-Year Engagement)

Best Career Moves of the Year (Actor): Channing Tatum - Magic Mike / The Vow / Haywire / 21 Jump Street

Honorable Mention: Scoot McNairy - Argo / Killing Them Softly

Worst Performance by an Actress: Rosamund Pike – Jack Reacher

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Dishonorable Mentions:

Julia Roberts - Mirror, Mirror

Reece Witherspoon – This Means War

Jennifer Westfeldt – Friends With Kids

Milla Jovovich – Resident Evil: Retribution

Katherine Heigl - One For The Money

Worst Performance by an Actor: Tyler Perry – Alex Cross

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Dishonorable Mentions:

Ben Stiller – The Watch

Chris Pine – This Means War

John Cusack – The Raven

Ryan Reynolds – Safe House

Adam Scott – Friends With Kids

Worst Supporting Performance by an Actress: Chelsea Handler – This Means War

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Dishonorable Mentions:

Alice Eve – The Raven

Elizabeth Banks – What To Expect When You’re Expecting

Rebel Wilson – Pitch Perfect

Famke Janssen – Taken 2

Eva Green – Dark Shadows

Worst Supporting Performance by an Actor: Vince Vaughn – The Watch

Dishonorable Mentions:

Ed Burns – Alex Cross

Dev Patel – The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Ben Mendelsohn – The Dark Knight Rises

Rhys Ifans - The Five-Year Engagement

Luke Evans – The Raven

Least Likeable Ensemble Cast: Project X

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Worst Individual Voice Work: Ed Helms – The Lorax

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Worst Voice Cast /Direction: Chris Renaud / Kyle Balda – The Lorax (Bonus fuck-you’s for video linked to Mazda’s YouTube account)

Franchise-Doomer of the Year: Taylor Kitsch – John Carter / Battleship

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Worst Performance by a Singer (Female): Macy Gray – The Paperboy

Worst Performance by a Singer (Male): Ben Drew (aka Planb, whatever the hell that means) – The Sweeney

Worst Performance by a Film Director: Seth McFarlane – Ted

Worst Cameo: Chuck Norris - The Expendables 2

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Most Wasted Actress: Naomie Harris - Skyfall

Most Wasted Actor: Brendan Gleeson - Safe House / The Raven

Most Entertaining Performance by an Actress in a Bad Movie: Erika Sawajiri – Helter Skelter

Honorable Mention: Rosemary DeWitt – The Watch

Most Entertaining Performance by an Actor in a Bad Movie: Nicolas Cage – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Honorable Mention: Will Forte – The Watch

Most Bafflingly Busy Actress of the Year: Maggie Grace (Taken 2 / Lockout / The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2)

Most Bafflingly Busy Actor of the Year: Mark Duplass (Safety Not Guaranteed / People Like Us / Your Sister’s Sister / Zero Dark Thirty)

Oddest Recasting Of The Year, As I Didn’t Know They Had Hair Dye In The Greece Of Ancient Myth: Andromeda in Clash of the Titans (played by brunette Alexa Davalos) becomes Andromeda in Wrath of the Titans (blonde Rosamund Pike)

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Best Accent: Emily Blunt –  Looper

Worst Accent: Alison Brie – The Five-Year Engagement

Worst Accent in Cloud Atlas: Tom Hanks (as Dermot Huggins) - Cloud Atlas

Dishonorable Mention: Jim Sturgess (as “Highlander”) - Cloud Atlas

Other Dishonorable Mentions: Seriously, we could be here all day – Cloud Atlas

Most Offensive Accent / Dodgy Impersonation Of Peter Sellers In The Party: Dev Patel – The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

“Why Australian?” Accent: Quentin Tarantino – Django Unchained

Most Incomprehensible Cast: The Expendables 2

Dishonorable Mention: Lockout (solely due to the presence of Joe Gilgun)

“Where Have You Been?” Actor of the Year: R. Lee Ermey - The Watch

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Best Performance By Hott Sam Rockwell: Seven Psychopaths

Best Performance By Bruce Willis: Moonrise Kingdom

Worst Performance By Bruce Willis: The Cold Light of Day

Best Performance By A Chin: Karl Urban – Dredd

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Good Enough Performance That I Now Have To Forget My Usual Antipathy, Without Which I Feel A Bit Lost: Jim Sturgess (as Adam Ewing and Hae-Joo Chang) –  Cloud Atlas

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“Okay, Everybody Loves You Again Now, So Don’t Fuck It Up This Time” Performance of the Year: Jamie Foxx – Django Unchained

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“More Of This And Less Of This, Please” Actress of the Year: Jessica Biel (More dramas like The Tall Man where she gets to challenge herself, less formulaic actioners like Total Recall which require her to do precisely nothing except be rescued by the male protagonist over and over again.)

“More Of This And Less Of This, Please” Actor of the Year: Chris Rock (More actual attempts at creating a character — or excellent beard growth, whichever makes you happier — in movies like 2 Days in New York, less paycheck-cashing in offensive dogshit like What To Expect When You’re Expecting.)

Hammiest Performance By Michael Sheen: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part Two

Hammiest Performance By Charlize Theron: Snow White and the Huntsman

Hammiest Performance By Russell Crowe: The Man With The Iron Fists

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Hammiest Performance By Nicole Kidman: The Paperboy

Next up: crew contributions of the year. I’m hesitantly predicting we’re past the halfway mark, and it’s not February yet. This is progress.

Listmania ’12! The Worst Movies Of The Year

Rather worryingly, it was a lot easier to get this list up to thirty than the best movies list, and I even had to stop watching bad movies because otherwise I’d never have finished. There were so many candidates this year that I ended up having to force myself to kinda sorta like some of them just to get them out of contention. As I said in the Best Movies list, this has been a shaky year for me with movies. I found myself becoming very disillusioned with the medium at one point, possibly because I’ve been writing and have found my patience for over-familiar storytelling tricks waning. It has caused much brow-furrowing, and as anyone who has met me knows, I have a lot of brow to furrow.

thisislandearth

An important thing I want to say before I get into this. A lot of internet debate this year has concerned the politics of popular art (or maybe it’s always like this and I only just started following the people who talk about it the most). Much of it has been fascinating and illuminating, shaping the way I understand the responsibilities of storytellers, to the point that even more than in previous years I now respond very strongly to negative portrayals of women, persons of colour, members of the LGBT community, or anyone differently abled. However, one thing hasn’t changed, and that’s that I come to these movies as someone interested in the mechanics of story first. Some readers may think I should do it the other way around, but this is how I’m built, how I’ve been doing this for years, and it’s the approach that suits my (privileged white male) outlook the best.

Which is not to say I don’t care about such matters; I do, very much. However, I’ll always watch a film for the film first, and deal with the rest later, mostly because I’m more confident in assessing something through the storytelling lens than the political one, as I’ve been thinking as a storyteller for a lot longer than I have as an analyst of political messages (and I’m always going to be in the process of learning more about both). If a film does interesting or worthy things on a story level, I won’t automatically ignore or excuse its political problems; my praise will be tempered, but I’ll still feel compelled to commend what works.

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For example, Jack Reacher has massive problems in how it treats women, which made me livid, but in terms of directorial approach and storytelling tricksiness I loved it, so I’m on the fence about it. Only when we become fixated on binary love/hate reactions would such a thing be a problem, but I’ve always tried to see films as an aggregation of different variables, so I can like something for one reason, hate it for another. The truncated nature of social media, and the subsequent removal of nuance, means it often feels like no one does that any more, though I’m sure I’m wrong on that one. Right?

As for the movies on this list, they’re here because I think they failed on a storytelling or artistic level, and all deserve to be here for that reason alone, but the top ten especially seemed to fill up very quickly with movies that committed both crimes against storytelling and people. I will inevitably come across as a humourless, overthinking, fun-averse chide during this post, but as I wrote it I realised how angry some of these films made me, so my usual chirpiness vanished. This is where trying to have an open mind gets me; watching everything in the hope that I’ll find a misunderstood gem means I have to wade through an ocean of fecal matter to get the odd gem.

atlasshruggedpart2

Anyway, apologies for the traditional caveats. Two more quick ones before I get into it: sadly I haven’t seen Atlas Shrugged Part 2 in time for this, which is a shame as it’s supposed to be worse than the first one and that topped last year’s list with ease. This is the Bad Movie List equivalent of not seeing Django Unchained or Zero Dark Thirty before finishing the Good Movie List. Also, please don’t be offended by any selections here that you liked. Nothing here is meant as a judgement on anyone other than the people who made the films, and even then their failure is often the result of a badly-tossed coin rather than anything more worrisome. If you liked any of the movies here, then it fit your Criteria For Success, as I’ve taken to calling it, which is obviously fine as no two people have the same ones. And that’s cool. These just really weren’t for me, and that means nothing in the scheme of things. Though really, number two in this list is just flat-out fucking horrible.

25. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Two

twilight

It wouldn’t be a worst of the year list if it didn’t include a Twilight movie at some point, though from next year onwards Shades of Caruso will have to figure out a way to cope without our least favourite supernatural bores. Our long, international ordeal is over. Bella and Edward are together, like they were pretty early on in the first film and continued to be for the majority of the series; a perfect example of that depressing narrative stasis I’ve been complaining about for half a decade. So, considering how high these films have been on each year’s worst list, why is this at no. 25 and not, say, no. 1, like when Return of the King won all those Oscars? Because this one was actually sporadically entertaining, with a bit more Michael Sheen than usual, a crazy mid-movie sequence involving some hastily introduced story-padding vampire eccentrics, one undead ghoul with the brilliant super-power of “PARALYSING VAPOURS” which made me laugh for a week, and a fantastic big finale fight that left me reeling with shock. But in that case, I hear you cry, why is it on the list if you liked it so much? Because of one choice made right at the end that invalidates everything that has happened, meaning that once more we get absolutely no narrative progression at all. It’s two hours of waiting for something to happen, only for that thing not to happen. The book contains no dramatic impetus and the only way the movie can get around that is by lying to the audience. It’s a very entertaining lie, but it’s still unacceptable. Goodbye. Twilight, thanks for the laughs. But I won’t miss you. Not really.

24. [REC]³ Génesis

rec

Since Evil Dead 2 a lot of horror comedies have hewed to a very familiar template; while Kevin Williamson, Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard, and Robert Rodriguez have tried to break open the genre to figure out how it works, most filmmakers have been content to mimic Raimi’s groundbreaking work by throwing some monsters at a group of protagonists in order for them to be dispatched in as grisly a way as possible. It’s the easiest kind of transgressive cinema, with slapstick taken to the logical, unpleasant extreme; tread on a rake in one of these films and your head will fly off and land in a nun’s lap, probably. The third in the [Rec] series eschews the intensity of the previous installments in favour of laughs; a promising way to inject new life into a franchise that was finding it hard to maintain its found footage format. Sadly the result is an underpowered and overfamiliar gross-out comedy that often resembles the execrable Torchwood episode Something Borrowed, itself guilty of mimicking Raimi’s horror-comedy landmark. Juxtaposing the horror of a demonic zombie plague with a wedding ceremony sounds promising but instead all we get is some depressing wacky hijinks from some of the guests and a bit of unimaginative gore. Less scary than Lamberto Bava’s Demons, to which it bears passing resemblance, and disappointingly low on laughs, this might only be as underwhelming as every other horror comedy clogging up the shelves, but considering the pedigree, and the damage it might do to the integrity of the ongoing [Rec] saga, it’s especially annoying. Let’s hope [Rec]: Apocalypse gets the franchise back on track.

23. The Five-Year Engagement

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Many of the films on this list are by writers and directors with previous form. If you haven’t looked further down the list you’ll see that some of Shades of Caruso’s many bêtes noire are coming up. More depressingly, then there are misfires by people we like, and these entries are no fun to write. Nicholas Stoller and Jason Segel have, between them, been responsible for three films we think of very fondly; Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him To The Greek and The Muppets are a big deal in SoC HQ. You can imagine how excited we were when we heard they were collaborating again, this time on what they trumpeted as the ultimate romantic comedy. They studied the classics, they analysed the conventions, they stuck to the rules, and yet this is what we got; two hours of contrived stasis, with a malfunctioning and unconvincing premise as its spine. And where were the jokes? Even the Reality-Bending Charisma Storm that is Emily Blunt (future Monarch of the post-apocalyptic Human Alliance of Planets; you heard it here first) can do nothing here other than make you wince in horror at the indignities poured upon her. It’s rote, it’s mechanical, it’s absurdly drawn-out, much like the titular engagement. Only a spirited final scene registers in the memory, but what a slog to get there. God knows what it was like before the reshoots that occurred before release. What should have been one of the best examples in this genre has turned out to be one of the worst; a how-to manual that unexpectedly ends up showing future storytellers how-not-to instead.

22. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

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How to disappoint Shades of Caruso part 2. When I heard that Neveldine / Taylor were going to make a sequel to Ghost Rider – one of our favourite bad movie indulgences – I was thrilled. With money and support there was a chance that their chaotic and ballsy visual approach would yield dividends, a suspicion bolstered by a trailer showing Johnny Blaze pissing fire. This was what we wanted; some honest-to-god madness, and none of Mark Steven Johnson’s hesitance. But again, this weirdness of this character defied the attempt to translate him / it to a new medium. Neveldine / Taylor’s madness only really works when the stakes in their movies don’t matter. We don’t give really give a shit about Chev Chelios’ survival, except that his death would mean the end of the movie. As N / T don’t care either, and are only interested in throwing more random imagery at the camera in the weirdest ways possible, it works. But Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance has a sympathetic protagonist and attempts to create a goal for him to achieve, people to protect. Fine, except that this ends up feeling like scenes from two movies shuffled together, and we see how hollow it truly their approach is. N / T don’t know how to make us care, but even worse they don’t seem to realise that they’re meant to. The result is truly disheartening, and hints that early suspicions about N / T are true; they don’t actually know what they’re doing. It’s on them to prove me wrong. This boring, ugly mess is not the way to go about it. That said, my main men Cage and DJ Big Driis are awesome in it, at least.

21. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

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Movies set in India tend to make me nervous, with Western filmmakers treating the country like some kind of magical spiritual wonderland. I blame The Beatles. Slumdog Millionaire annoyed me for its flaws as a film, more than anything, and Darjeeling Limited walked a fine line, falling mostly on the side of satirising the idiocy and ignorance of its rich protagonists rather than making some patronising argument about the virtues of the country. Eat, Pray, Love‘s trivialisation of issues like poverty and depression, on the other hand, were unforgivable, and while watching Best Exotic Marigold Hotel I held onto the thin argument that at least John Madden and Ol Parker’s adaptation of Deborah Moggach’s novel wasn’t as clueless as that. But the depiction of the honest poor of India is still wince-inducing and overly sincere, most horribly seen in Dev Patel’s gallumphing performance as the cowering simpleton running the old folk’s home. Even worse is the pandering, shallow guff about living life to the full even when old, reducing the characters to two-dimensions, their arc a binary switch which will be flicked during the final act in a tornado of predictable uplift. The cast contains many of my favourite actors, doing their best with the weak source material, but compared to Hope Springs, which dealt with the complications of old age in a more sensitive and measured way, this comes across as just yet another mechanical British movie about overcoming adversity, devoid of genuine warmth and humanity despite the great performances from almost everyone involved.

20. Taken 2

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The first Taken was one of the most surprising box office hits of recent years. Why this movie? Films about action men killing swarthy foreigners are a dime a dozen and have been for years. Liam Neeson wasn’t a huge box office draw, and neither was Maggie Grace. It didn’t have anything that seemed to be a hook and yet it made $145m in the US. The uncharitable reading is that it appealed to an undercurrent of xenophobia in a sub-section of the populace, but thanks to Pierre Morel’s taut direction it is at least, for all its faults, a compelling action movie, and Neeson’s re-emergence as an action hero makes a lot of sense as the film powers towards its conclusion. So how to explain Taken 2‘s popularity? This time let’s chalk it up to familiarity with the format, and the now-justified position of Neeson as box office powerhouse, because this doesn’t even have competence as a variable. Morel did wonders with Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen’s traditionally tin-eared dialogue and threadbare plotting, but Oliver Megaton is unable to bring anything to the table other than straight-to-DVD-level mundanity and brain-scrambling editing used to hide the thin, unappealing footage. Without lizard-brain appeal this franchise’s shortcomings are laid horribly bare, and Neeson and villainous Rade Sherbedzija, both men with inbuilt gravitas, can do nothing to save it. Back in the day we had Silver Pictures to churn out a series of cheap but wry and appealing action movies; Besson and Kamen should stay in and watch a bunch of them one weekend to see how high the bar is really set.

19. One For The Money

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Funny that this came out at the beginning of the year, and Jack Reacher came out at the end. Both are about characters in popular novels, both were turned into star vehicles by actors who desperately needed a new tentpole franchise to call their own, both were rejected by the fans as entirely wrong for the part. And yet, while Jack Reacher is made with care and attention to detail – while preserving the worst and most beloved aspects of its source material – One For The Money is one of the laziest films in recent memory. It all hinges on Katherine Heigl’s charms, and if you’re resistant then this is a tough slog, but to be fair her spiky personality is better matched with protagonist Stephanie Plum’s brassy NJ persona than fans of Janet Evanovitch’s novel would accept. Sadly Heigl struggles to inject any life into this still-born project, which neither amuses or excites. On top of that there’s a tedious romantic subplot that makes the recent atrocious The Bounty Hunter look like a Hepburn / Tracy classic. If this mini-review seems to lack detail that’s because this eminently forgettable film left my mind within minutes of the credits rolling. All I can recall with full confidence is that 90 minutes felt like 16 hours, and the only thing I got from it was a rage headache at all that wasted time.

18. Snow White and the Huntsman

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As if we didn’t already have enough reason to hate Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, still the most maddening piece of cultural vandalism that this blog has seen in its time on the net. Its incredible, baffling success means “fairy tales” are in, triggering the genesis of Jack The Giant Killer and Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. ::pauses to sigh wearily:: It also gave us two Snow White movies. Mirror, Mirror is merely a leaden star vehicle for Julia Roberts, with Tarsem’s usual visual business curiously lacking in oomph this time around. Rupert Sanders’ Huntsman, on the other hand, is one of the more depressing films of the summer, finding its own success despite offering nothing but a listless mishmash of tones in search of a unifying idea. It’s got a bit of Twilight, not just in the casting of Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan with a sword, but also the love triangle between her, the Prince of the original tale and the Huntsman who searches for her, his role in the tale beefed up past breaking point. It’s got lots of Lord of the Rings too, not realising that expanding the original Grimm tale with courtly drama and big action scenes means empty spectacle without a complex and well-imagined world to build on. There’s even some faux-Miyazaki stuff about the spirit of the forest lifted almost directly from Princess Mononoke. But this is no light-footed genre mish-mash. It’s just the lining of a magpie’s nest, shot like an advert by a man who doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, with only an over-thought, noted-to-death script as a guide. The dead-end of the genre; next to this even mad shit from the 80s like Hawk The Slayer looks visionary.

17. Take This Waltz

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Sarah Polley’s second movie may not have won as many critical plaudits as her first movie — Away From Her — but it still got multiple award nominations and festival raves. Certainly Polley does something very welcome in taking on a thorny subject with a refreshingly non-judgemental approach, detailing the slow and regrettable dissolution of a marriage as the protagonist, Margot, makes a choice to take control of her life and allow herself to fall for another man. Affairs in films are usually used to make “slut-shaming” judgements on women for their wanton ways, so Polley’s decision to make this choice an empowering one for Margot is commendable. However, to do this means we get a full 90 minutes walking on the spot as Margot, played as a cutesy child-woman by Michelle Williams, agonises over her choice in scene after scene of overplayed, near-unwatchable stasis, eroding the sympathy of any audience member with a low-threshold for meandering storytelling. Take This Waltz spends so much time justifying Margot’s choice, clearing her of any possible audience negativity, that the whole film seems like a defensive argument, blunting the drama of her choices and making her seem more a fool for taking so long than a brave woman taking control of her destiny. It leads to a lopsided film that lacks the courage of its convictions, made worse by its unbearable mopey characters and their self-consciously twee behavior; to endure Luke Kirby’s drawn-out-beyond-the-limits-of-endurance café seduction scene is to know burning, soul-deep agony.

16. What To Expect When You’re Expecting

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The thought that movies are being made of pregnancy guides and relationship advice manuals has caused much hilarity and/or despair among the critical community, but as I argued in this review of Battleship, it doesn’t really matter where you find your inspiration from as long as the end product is worthwhile. This is not worthwhile. Using a similar structure to Garry Marshall’s Valentines Day / New Year’s Eve ensemble pieces, WTEWYE addresses a number of different scenarios involving childbirth, from adoption to miscarriage to the long road to birth, but while the book offers advice and tips on how to cope, this has nothing but cheap jokes, clumsy slapstick, and a strange balance in which there seems to be more time spent dealing with how the fathers will cope than the mothers, who are only really present to be hysterical. That’s not its main crime, and neither is the depiction of one character’s miscarriage, which is as movie-convenient and insultingly sugar-coated as you’d imagine in a light comedy. The true horror comes when J-Lo’s childlessness triggers a tearful rant during which she says of herself, “I’m the one who can’t do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do.” Yes. The one thing — THE ONE THING — that a woman is supposed to do. Of all the things I saw in 2012, that probably generated the most vocal reaction of disgust. Good job I didn’t see it in a cinema, or I’d have gone Shoshanna Dreyfus on the building.

15. Intouchables

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Kicking this feel-good movie about a paraplegic and his carer feels like torturing a puppy, but sometimes needs must. While sincerity in films is a big plus point as far as we’re concerned, when it tips over into oleaginous sentimentality we close the door and never look back. Olivier Nakache and Éric Toledano’s dramatisation of their documentary A la vie, à la mort looks like it’s on solid ground, transcribing reality into life-affirming cinema, but once separated from reality the temptation to coat this tale in sugar seems to have been irresistible. Much of the movie is spent presenting Philippe’s depression as being easily cured by the intervention of Driss, but this eagerness to show the efficacy of all that dancing and lovable hamminess from Omar Sy means the film is dangerously lopsided, and the second act crisis – in which Driss quits for plot convenience – is so feeble they might as well have not bothered. It’s inert on a dramatic level and cutesy to an intolerable degree; two terrible strikes against it. But then we have the deeply questionable decision to change the real life carer – an Algerian – to an African who is pathologically lazy and thoughtless. So we have the stereotype of the lazy black man transformed by the benevolence and friendship of the cultured and affluent white male, compounded by the also-included trope of the square middle-class guy learning to live life thanks to a Magical Negro. And France chose this as their Foreign Language Academy Award nominee instead of the far-superior Rust and Bone? FFS.

14. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

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There are two ways to make a movie based on a gimmicky idea like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter; make a dumb joke out of it or go serious. Comedy would be an insult to the people who fought and died in the Civil War and the fight against slavery, so you don’t want to do that. Of course, pretending that it was vampires that almost split America down the middle, and caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people is also an insult to the people who fought and died in the Civil War and the fight against slavery, but Seth Grahame-Smith and Timur Bekmambetov seem to see no problem in trivialising the issue in this manner. Quentin Tarantino has received considerable flack for addressing slavery in the context of a Spaghetti Western homage but from all accounts he goes all out in depicting the horror of the South’s treatment of African-Americans, whereas this spectacularly misjudged debacle barely drew any criticism for saying, “yeah, the enslavement of over four million slaves by Americans was bad, but hell, it could have been vampires doing it.” SERIOUSLY, WHY WAS NO ONE BOTHERED BY THIS? Is it just because it’s a metaphorical use of vampires? Why bother doing that when the thought that humans would commit this crime is more potent than adding supernatural elements? This doesn’t illuminate the issue, or bring a new perspective to it. It just takes tragedy and turns it into an instantly forgettable Syfy-worthy one off, not even making up for its redundancy by being exciting, or funny, or even alive on screen. Now that I think about it, there’s actually a third way to tell this tale; don’t make a movie about it, just treat it as the mildly amusing idea for a Halloween costume that it actually is and leave it at that.

13. Dark Shadows

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You can show me a hundred interviews with Tim Burton in which he claims that this adaptation of the quirky supernatural ABC soap opera is a dream project borne of his childhood love of the show, but that won’t make it seem any less like a movie Burton felt obligated to make, like he woke up one morning and said, “I guess it’s time to do that one,” before letting out a weary sigh and storyboarding the whole thing while his morning pot of coffee finished brewing (FYI he takes his coffee black because he’s a fucking Goth, you might have noticed). The realisation that this fantasy scenario might be accurate comes when you finally endure the desperately dreary movie and it occurs to you that Burton would have phoned his producer and sold it on the strength of the wacky sex scene, and his producer would have exclaimed, “Holy crap, I can see it now! Or rather, I can see the trailer!” And that’s because there’s nothing here we haven’t seen before. Dark Shadows is so perfunctory, so devoid of life or vibrancy, that it feels like you’ve already endured it before you have, but even then, with this dearth of imagination on display, you will still be astonished by the ill-thought-out plot that tries to mimic the soap opera format of the show by writing characters out after one or two key scenes — meaning the film never seems to settle down — or the seemingly endless first act in which Barnabas goes around the Collins household meeting people. Just meeting them. For, like, fifteen minutes. This isn’t cinema. It’s not even old TV. It’s just shit.

12. The Sweeney

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While the James Bond franchise busies itself with the job of turning its out-of-date misogynistic asshole into a tortured, justifiably hateful shitbag we can all love – three dimensions of worthy but highly entertaining odiousness – this reboot of the beloved original doesn’t even bother to address the problematic 70s-era politically incorrect Jack-The-Lad hijinx, presenting it with no commentary as business as usual. Perhaps it should be commended for trying to remain faithful to its origins, but even to a target audience that has a Sweeney boxset at home and lectures its friends dahn the boozah abaht them PC wankahs will find this to be pretty thin gruel. Nick Love and co-writer John Hodge – yes, the man behind Trainspotting and Shallow Grave – do an unconvincing job of updating the original, taking a bunch of cliches and adding in the names “Carter” and “Regan” every so often, ladling in some excruciatingly dated banter about them birds and making sure the bad guy is a Serb for extra Guardian-baiting fun. Ian Kennedy Martin would likely look at this metallic blue machine and weep. Not even for a moment does this feel like anything other than a rote retelling of a million other stories, yet another cash-in, hoping to make some money from the kind of incurious twerp who thinks Garry Bushell is a man of insight and courage. Watching a cast this good (well, Damian Lewis, Hayley Atwell and Ray Winstone) swallow their pride is enough to make you pray for the British film industry to immolate itself; we’ve got the accelerant right here.

11. Friends With Kids

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Anyone reading this list of the year’s most horrible movies could end up thinking that Shades of Caruso is populated by terrible prudes, what with all the necklace-clutching over those off-colour comedies. Nothing could be further from the truth, but considering the glut of adult comedies released into the post-Apatow world like cum-scented Kudzu, someone has to take a stand. This shift from numb acceptance to active annoyance occurred midway through Jennifer Westfeldt’s Friends With Kids, an off-putting adult comedy about a woman who decides to have a child with her platonic best friend. Westfeldt wrote Kissing Jessica Stein, which I recall was frank about sex and relationships but never became unpleasant. This, on the other hand, seems to be overly aggressive in its urge to shock the audience with swearing and “daring” jokes. This might be the kind of thing a prude would say, but the crime here is not to be offensive but to drive past the point of acceptability, beyond where transgression is funny, to end up in a place where the tone is uncomfortably, relentlessly sour. It’s bad enough that Westfeldt’s premise is so unbelievable; the protagonists decide to go through with their plan on what feels like a whim, and are then required to snottily dismiss everyone around them in a whirlwind of misanthropic complaints. None of it rings true, and the convenient final act muting of that inappropriate voice to show growth comes out of nowhere. I’m sure Westfeldt would cry foul if I said the crass dialogue spouted by her hateful characters was a cynical choice, but even so, it feels like she jumped on a bandwagon and tragically misjudged how far she could go before alienating the viewer.

10. The Expendables 2

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Perhaps the worst thing about the Expendables franchise – and with the second installment making $300 million, it’s fair to say that this is a franchise, not an anomaly – is that the idea behind it is so compelling to a sub-section of film fandom, so ripe with promise, that the dreary first movie is especially disappointing. But that movie is like a peak-era Silver Pictures film compared to this, something that even Golan and Globus would consider dumping in a lake and never talking about again. Eschewing the poorly dramatised double- and treble-crosses of the first film, Simon West’s sluggish sequel relies solely on the goodwill of the audience to ignore the threadbare plot, the underwritten villain, the overly familiar scenarios and flatly-shot action scenes. Because look! It’s everyone’s favourite birther, Chuck Norris, slowly walking into shot and referring to himself as a Lone Wolf! And look! Arnie and Bruce swap catchphrases! “Will this do?” screams the film, as we cut once more to Stallone looking like his batteries are about to run out. Apparently it will, if it’s going to make this much money. Less a homage to the best of the genre, more an out-of-date nightmare mutated through the introduction of irradiated dollars into a lumbering beast crushing the genre underfoot. Don’t put a copy of this on your DVD/Blu-Ray shelf; your copies of Die Hard, Predator, Lethal Weapon, The Killer, First Blood, Demolition Man, The Last Boy Scout, 48 Hours, Con Air, The Rock – even Action Jackson – will jump down and beat you to death for the insult.

9. The Lorax

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At the forefront of culture, where sentiment’s free,
There’s a well-meaning well-spring of sanctimony.
A clattering chatter of serious chaps
Come to warn us of doom; Eco-horror collapse!
And plastic doohickeys that suck out the soul
Of we miserable fools, our dead hearts black as coal.

“Oh woe, these poor dopes — grasping, ignorant saps
With their claptrap and waffle and counterfeit crap.
Don’t they see,” cry the men, their hands wringing in fear,
“What dire fate lies in wait if our cries they don’t hear?”
So they commenced their project, to adapt a great book,
Spent ALL OF THE DOLLARS, begged, “Please, you must look!”

And what did they give us? A veritable onslaught
Of ads and promotions, TV spots with a cohort
Of fabulous faces; An orgasmical sight!
Taylor Swift and Zac Efron! Ed Helms! Betty White!
And there’s Danny DeVito, who was chosen to play
The thing they call LORAX, nature’s orange Sensei.

The Lorax was unleashed but, a curious thing;
We heard rumblings and mumblings; “Oh this movie doth ming!
It’s so garish and ugly and much more than a tad
Hypocritical and lousy and vapid and bad.
We know that the future holds horrible trials
For our kids and our kids’ kids; We’re not in denial.

“Yet you treat us as if we’re all deaf, dumb, and blind,
Preaching ‘caring for nature makes you virtuous, kind.
And also buy Mazda! Our corporate sponsor who
Makes cars that don’t run on splut-splatter goo.
No no no, someone else commits those crooked acts.
Mazda’s cars run on wishes, fairy farts; check the facts!’

“We see through your flim-flam, this insult to the truth
You exploit to justify selling trash to our youth.
This far, no further! (Oh yes, we went there). No more, please!
Our next generation knows it’s gotta save trees.
Admit it, you made this because of the guilt
At the towering shower of turds you have built.”

“So now,” say the victims of this loud, joyless screech,
“To those midwives who birthed it, of you we beseech:
It’s time that you ended this endless abuse
Of beloved and gentle and saintly Doc Seuss.
UNLESS filmmakers like you give up making this rot,
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

8. The Watch

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As time passes you realise that big summer movies that work are as rare as hen’s teeth, or sober compositions in a Tom Hooper movie. This means you cherish the ones that work; Ghostbusters, Raiders, Back to the Future; they all look better now than ever, while the underpowered nature of a half-competent sequel like Men in Black 3 casts the inventive original in an even better light. Those were movies that sweated the details, polishing a promising idea, adding layers of detail to create an immersive world. The makers of The Watch figured you can just turn Invasion of the Body Snatchers into a bitter comedy about empowering under-achieving men and then pile on the popular actors until the jokes just spontaneously happen. Watching actors like Vaughan and Stiller – men who once showed up on set to do a job instead of sending life model decoys programmed with all of their previously endearing stock personality traits – go through the motions, unwilling to be prodded into life by their director Akiva Schaeffer, is this misfire’s most disheartening spectacle. Well, second most. Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, whose script work until now has been mostly very entertaining, do nothing to bring this 90-minute ad for Costco to life, choosing instead to turn it into another of their now patented meditations on male friendship, except without the insight or jokes or sincerity of their previous films, and betraying a lack of interest in the female worldview that limits their range. It’s tempting to say it couldn’t have been any lazier, but then I think, “They could have removed Richard Ayoade, Rosemary DeWitt and Will Forte from it,” and I realise that’s the version they play on a loop in Hell.

7. Resident Evil: Retribution

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Notorious performance artist Armond White’s most provocative review of the year saw him denigrate Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master while praising Paul W.S Anderson’s latest installment of the Resident Evil franchise; how thrilled he must have been when he realised they were being released in the same week, thus giving him a hook for his latest exercise in peer-trolling. The sentence that betrays his lack of conviction is the last, where he says that RE: R “transforms a genre franchise with visionary newness,” suggesting that he wrote the review without even seeing it. Because this is the total opposite of new or visionary. As with all of PWSA’s films, RE: R is a compilation of moments from other films that he remembers, transcribed with low-budget creakiness, cobbled together into a barely coherent and emotionally empty collage, but without the enthusiasm or glowing adoration of Tarantino’s genre pastiches. It’s just another money-maker from a man with no urge to innovate or communicate a point, and while SoC is happy to watch unambitious B-movies, PWSA’s cynicism and lack of imagination is especially dispiriting. This is perfect for anyone who enjoys watching Milla Jovovich, wearing her “Determined Face” expression, yet again posing stiffly in front of a green screen with co-stars who mechanically utter characterless exposition, safe in the knowledge that they don’t have to go to the trouble of making the cyphers they’re playing come to any recognisable kind of life, while PWSA recycles not only shots from his other movies but from this one too; numerous action beats are replicated over and over again, almost defiantly rubbing the audience’s face in it. Here’s a sobering thought, though; considering the persistent, viral success of this franchise, perhaps games will spell the end for cinema, just not in the way we thought. (NB: Worth noting that this is the only film in the top ten that treats women as human beings, so massive, sincerely-meant kudos for that.)

6. The Devil Inside

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If the case against Found Footage ever went to trial, the defence lawyers, with Blair Witch Project, [Rec], Paranormal Activity and Chronicle at their side, would weep with horror at their imminent defeat when the prosecution calls just this catastrophic failure into evidence. There are dozens of lazy exorcism movies out there, so William Brent Bell’s low energy home movie has company, but compared to a qualified success like Daniel Stamm’s The Last Exorcism, you realise just how little effort was put into this. Bad enough that the premise doesn’t even work logically – two rogue exorcists scared that their secret work will be revealed to the Vatican allow a documentary film crew to follow them around – and bad enough that the last 20 minutes of this 70-minute-long film are basically filled with people screaming incoherently at each other, the biggest insult is the incomplete finale that directs the viewer to a website that explains what happens next. Considering that the movie rests on the archaic and disgusting idea that the protagonist is being punished by the Devil for daring to have an abortion when it turns out her baby won’t carry to term, it’s probably not worth the effort of typing the URL which, let’s face it, is about as much effort as has been expended by the filmmakers. Unconvincing, cynical, histrionic, The Devil Inside single-handedly sets the horror genre back fifty years. And yet it made millions. Abandon hope, all ye who love horror films, and despair.

5. Act of Valor

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This bare-bones actioner should be seen by everyone interested in cinema or storytelling, but not for the reasons the directors and writers would like. Famously shot originally as a video for the military, it was expanded into a film by Scott Waugh, Mouse McCoy and Kurt Johnstad with real soldiers playing the main characters. Well, I say characters, but basically they’re the equivalent of NPCs in a video game, holding guns and moving about the screen but doing very little in the way of coming across as sentient beings, with the two “protagonists” leaving me with the impression that one of them is called Steve, the other isn’t, and the only things they can say to each other is, “bland comment about family,” followed by “awkward laugh”. The comparison between this and games like Call of Duty has been made numerous times – after all it features a lot of POV shots from behind guns, and vapid quotations from military thinkers to add gravitas so they’re practically identical, right? — but games have plots. Oft-derided games like CoD at least have an emotional charge, much as critics would like to pretend they don’t. Sure, sometimes they don’t work but when they do they have compelling protagonists and antagonists, arcs and momentum and event and all of the things that good stories should. This has nothing other than a string of firefights and a threat to be vanquished. Act of Valor is How Not To Make Movies 101; indifferently-directed action wrapped around a hollow core, plus lazy sentiment replacing meaning. Even worse, despite the heavily-signposted death of Steve (or not-Steve, I couldn’t tell who was who), it still serves as an advert for the Navy. It’s the equivalent of a giant erection pointing at a bloodied corpse.

4. Ted

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Credit to Seth McFarlane for coming up with this great idea — like a twisted version of AI in which David somehow grows up and gets stuck with a sociopathic Teddy — with which to explore the ways in which child-men resist the responsibilities of adulthood. It’s such a great visual, the man accompanied everywhere by the visual representation of his infantile attitude. Which makes McFarlane’s traditional lack of effort even more frustrating than usual. The man is a machine cranking out very basic material on an industrial basis, and thus Ted goes through the motions much like his irksome TV shows, except this time he can add profitable and fashionable R-rated jokes about sex to his repertoire, which usually just consists of pop-culture references and hastily tossed-off non-sequiturs. Getting into a discussion about what is and isn’t funny is a waste of time; I think McFarlane’s a one-note huckster, but he has passionate fans who would be annoyed at my dismissal of his work. I get that. But what makes Ted truly worthless, aside from the cracks about Muslims and “sluts”, and the obnoxious nods and winks he throws at the crowd to “excuse it all”, is that I don’t believe, not even for a femtosecond, that McFarlane means a thing in this film. Not the moral ending, in which the slacker hero gets everything — including a Hallmark-card lesson about responsibility that McFarlane figures constitutes an arc because he saw it in an Apatow movie — and his girlfriend gets nothing. Not his supposed love for Flash Gordon, which I bet he watched once before making this film, knowing that a section of the audience would respond favourably. Not even the filth. He just knows what makes a buck, and he shovels it into our faces without a second thought. He’s P.T. Barnum with dick jokes. If this guy’s really the cultural powerhouse he seems to be, then we need to find the reset button, and pronto.

3. This Means War

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Remember Mr. and Mrs. Smith? That was a curious film. Kinda hateful, but with a central conceit that might have worked, with a few dozen rewrites and a complete change of cast and director. I don’t know how you’d go about getting it into full fighting shape but it’s conceivable. Now along comes This Means War, a film that treads in the same footsteps (and shares a writer in Simon Kinberg) in which relationship troubles are dramatised via the conventions of the espionage genre. That’s an unusually good match, the consequences of secrecy being the most compelling aspects of both kinds of story. It’s telling, then, that only James Cameron got close to getting it right with True Lies, but even then had that massively problematic middle act. Imagine an entire movie of that and you’ve got this… thing… from McG, a film in which we’re meant to root for two colossal fuckbags who manipulate and spy on the ditzy heroine, a film in which the only choice she gets to make is which of these maladjusted fratboy scumbags she will end up with. If Mr. and Mrs. Smith had some possibility of working out with some tweaking of the material, or the tone, or some goddamn thing, there’s nothing that could be done to save this vile mistake. It’s nasty, it’s devoid of jokes, it’s unexciting, it has no insight, no verve, no wit, no purpose other than to fill a gap in a studio’s release schedule and to further chip away at the possibility that women’s lot in life will ever improve; to watch it is to feel all hope of parity between the genders evaporate. Its other big crime? Surgically removing Tom Hardy’s continent-sized SuperMojo to prevent him rightly showing up everyone else in it. I suspect Christian Bale’s infamous Terminator: Salvation rant was an EMP that wiped all sense from McG; we’ll get nothing competent from him ever again.

2. Project X

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The recent American elections saw a phrase enter the lexicon: The War on Women. Republicans eager to restrict the lives and opportunities of women by making it hard to get on in this world by removing their rights cynically refused to accept that their policies were motivated by a distrust or hatred of women, but the wave of bitterness coming from the Right was impossible to ignore. But then it’s no wonder legislators figured women were fair game. If there’s anything this list of the worst films shows, it’s that men still think it’s perfectly acceptable to treat women as baby-incubators or, in their teens, as a reward men deserve for being bold. Nima Nourizadeh’s Project X might pretend to be another film in a lineage including Porky’s, Animal House, American Pie and Superbad, but this isn’t fit to be mentioned in the same breath. Three nerdy teen boys hold the biggest teen party imaginable in the hopes of getting “pussy”. And they do. That’s the movie right there. The most odious teenagers ever committed to film are rewarded for their sociopathic disregard for everyone around them with the respect of their peers, the adoration of numerous mute naked girls, and barely any censure from the law. Only the ostensibly sympathetic protagonist is prosecuted, but that’s okay, because his dad secretly thinks he’s a bad ass and the virginal girl who he previously cuckolded with a “slut” (here punished for her sexual activity by being secretly filmed naked) still loves him and forgives him, but then she would, as she’s practically a dudebro so she’s okay. This was written by Michael Bacall, the guy who co-wrote 21 Jump Street and Scott Pilgrim? This was co-produced by Joel Silver? It’s by far the worst thing he has ever been involved with, a fuck you to half of the population of the world, a diseased window into the worst of what Western civilisation is. Everyone involved should be fucking ashamed of themselves, and forced to wear a scarlet A (for Asshole) on their chests.

1. Alex Cross

This blog’s Best of 2012 Movies list was topped not by the intellectually challenging movies we saw but by the one that made us happiest; a choice made necessary by a desire to honour the intensity of that joy. Let us carry that on into this list. Instead of placing one of the loathsome, misogynistic insults to humanity in the top spot — for surely Project X or This Means War would be right at home there — it only seems right to pick a bad movie that made me so happy, so sore from mocking laughter, that all I wanted to do was run around all the social networks quoting lines and posting clips and basically just worshipping at the altar of the most haphazard, clumsy, ugly and stupid movie since Madonna’s brilliantly dreadful W.E. In other words, Alex Cross is the perfect cinematic representation of James Patterson’s galactically monstrous novels, with its lead character — a grab-bag of contrived tics and dull virtue fighting to save the world from exhaustively-described maniacs who murder or violate every woman he loves — now brought to life not by Morgan Freeman, a man far too charismatic to embody this thinly-written void, but by his living equal; Tyler Perry, giving what is easily 2012′s most hilariously awkward performance, almost the match of SoC’s recent favourite, Chris Klein in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

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It’s impossible to encapsulate the myriad ways in which this colossal sack of shit entertained us recently, the sheer number of gaffes and howlers and WTF moments that poured from the screen like a deluge of rainbow-coloured diarrhoea. Suffice to say Rob Cohen has now jumped past Paul W.S. Anderson, Jon Avnet, and Robert Luketic to become SoC’s pick as the worst director currently working in cinema, a man who has channeled the spirit of Ed Wood to bring us a film of such hysterically wooden and ugly imperfection that the Rifftrax guys might have to take two or three runs at it to cover all of its nigh-infinite incompetence. From its clumsy blocking (actors stepping in front of each other so we can’t see them half the time) to its 100% pure-cliche screenplay (in other words, a totally accurate adaptation from the source material) to its woeful compositions and photography (easily worse than anything else in 2012); this goes beyond Lifetime movie or rejected TV pilot to find its own slot on the quality spectrum. It’s a distillation of every shitty cop drama you’ve ever seen, a compilation of the worst aspects of our culture, but done with such a straight face, with such cluelessness, that I loved it. And in case you think I should have picked one of the three previously-mentioned misogynistic films instead of something that’s just bad, that I’m being finicky for going after something for little more than being a bit shoddy, don’t worry; three of the five women in this film are murdered — two of them mutilated horribly — because that’s all cinema seemed to be this year. Just a never-ending bellow of horror at the mere existence of women, and even when a movie is dumb enough to be relatively harmless, we still have to endure the presence of this disgusting bullshit, because that’s apparently just the way it is now. Fuck you, cinema! FUCK YOU, WORLD!

Dishonorable Mentions:

The Raven: A transparent attempt to tap into the success of Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes, sadly this is reminiscent of the Hughes Brothers’ misfiring From Hell more than anything else. James McTeigue never gets a grip on the material or the tone; John Cusack’s obnoxious Edgar Allen Poe is overplayed, performances misfire and tension fails to materialise. I asked a passing raven if it thought McTeigue had a chance of making another movie; it said, and I quote, “NEVERMORE!” Bit harsh.

Chernobyl Diaries: Oren Peli continued to scramble to consolidate the slice of industry power provided by the success of Paranormal Activity with this Wrong Turn-esque horror film set in Chernobyl. Yes, that Chernobyl, the one in Russia, the one that was irradiated by a horrifying accident that changed the world. A perfectly tasteful location for a dumb exploitation flick, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s not even a good dumb exploitation flick; there’s no tension, no plot, just a long wait in some really interesting (non-Chernobyl) locations until everyone’s dead.

Step Up Revolution: SoC loves Step Up 3D, a movie with very little to recommend it other than the dancing, the one thing good enough that we recommend it constantly. This is worse, and the dancing’s so poorly shot that it lacks even that saving grace. Extra points for the heroes’ plot being remarkably stupid, using their incredible dance skills to gain enough YouTube hits to win a competition, staging flash mobs that could get them arrested, instead of trying to get jobs as dancers that would pay all of them, cumulatively, probably more than the prize money. Genius.

The Cold Light of Day: Hitchcock would have wept to see the state of the thriller genre today. This weirdly bland North By Noroeste plants bland Henry Cavill into a classic thriller template, trying to figure out who killed his somnabulent dad (Bruce Willis, between naps) while avoiding the police through touristy Spain. But the ramshackle plotting means characters only do things for convenience, not recognisable motivations, so even when it wakes up you don’t really care. I think in the end it was something to do with Mossad? In Euro-set thrillers it’s usually Mossad.

Ruby Sparks: A brilliant idea, indifferently brought to life with one great moment and a cop-out ending. At least, that’s the movie I saw. Friend-of-the-blog @DarkEyeSocket has passionately argued to me that the ending that so offended me (no spoilers, but from where I sat it seemed to invalidate the lesson learned by the odious protagonist) has a deeper meaning. Sadly, on first viewing I don’t agree, meaning I’m left with an bold idea about male expectations of relationships and the manipulation of partners that ultimately amounts to nothing. Sorry DES. :-(

More to come, as ever. For anyone who has come to Listmania! for the first time, you should know I really milk this for all its worth. You’ve been warned.

Listmania ’12! The Best Movies Of The Year

Here I am, living in the past as usual. It’s 2013 in London, but I’m still writing about 2012, a year that was in general better than the last (which was pretty crummy) but not particularly amazing. No lottery wins, no late-blooming development of psychic powers; just The Grind. Sadly that malaise spread to my enjoyment of films. No fear; this isn’t another end-of-year “crisis in cinema” posts, filled with dire warnings about piracy or 48fps (which I’m still undecided on) or how the kids these days don’t enjoy proper entertainment like The Dambusters or any of that shit. All that happened is that I built up a bunch of movies in my head and they didn’t live up to those expectations. No biggie, and it’s all on me, but by the end of the year this disaffection was becoming a real pain in the arse. Do I ever dare look forward to a film again? I’m gonna find that hard to do.

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I’m not gonna fart around like I normally do; it’s late and I just put Anchorman on so I’m only half-paying attention to this semtance. Here’s where I traditionally complain about cinema release dates and how punitive they are if you live outside the US, so here goes: five months for Cloud Atlas? Four for Wreck-It Ralph? Dozens of other movies have been delayed this year, and to be honest I feel stupid writing up this list before seeing Zero Dark Thirty or Lincoln or especially Django Unchained. How can I think of this as definitive when films by my favourite filmmakers remain out of my reach? Will this list be invalid by the end of January?

And yes, I know, the ways in which studios are attempting to capitalise on increased revenues from overseas mean films are now starting to come out in Europe before the US, but this year the biggest examples of that were The Avengers and Skyfall, both of which were out over here a couple of weeks before the US. I hear some say there’s an equivalence here but two weeks is frustrating while a four month delay is absolute bullshit. I thought I was the only person who ever moaned about these things but even Cory Doctorow got in on the action (thanks to @catvincent for the heads-up on that piece). Everything in that makes so much sense to me but still we put up with the old ways.

Okay, moaning over. Here’s the (sadly incomplete) list. No disrespect to any of these films. Naturally, if I didn’t like them I wouldn’t have included them.

25. Your Sister’s Sister

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This year Sundance came to London, complete with overpriced tickets, interesting documentaries, and a handful of fiction movies that sounded less so. As ever Shades of Caruso finds itself struggling to love the output of the US independent scene when compared to the bigger studio releases, especially when the new voices showcased at Sundance often seem to provide films as formulaic as their derided big-budget brethren. Lynn Shelton’s chamber-piece Your Sister’s Sister, in which a grieving man becomes dragged into the dramas connecting two sisters, was not on the Sundance list; more’s the pity. At times this looks and feels like every other movie of its kind, right down to casting the seemingly ubiquitous Mark Duplass as the feckless interloper, but Shelton’s a better filmmaker than most, and here does wonders with limited means, supplying all the quiet character work of the best of this genre, but with a populist’s touch for the dramatic. Seemingly sedate for the most part, Shelton saves the fireworks for a startling end-of-second-act blowout, aided by magnificent work from Emily Blunt and Rosemary DeWitt. Only an underwhelming third act prevents this from getting higher in the list, yet after the dramatic lull we at least reach a sweetly satisfying denouement, a gentle sigh of resignation and love you don’t see often enough. It left me with a glow that lasted for days.

24. Killer Joe

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The one thing you can count on with a late-career William Friedkin film is that it’ll be muscular, and will likely feature at least one scene that makes your hair stand on end. Killer Joe goes one better than that; it features a final act so full on that when it was over I literally didn’t know what to think or do. To be fair the whole movie, adapted by Tracy Letts from his first play, is pitched at such a weird level of energy that the viewer should know all bets are off. As a filmed play the performances from almost everyone are heightened and emphatic in a similar way to David Cronenberg’s stagy Cosmopolis, but while that was bloodless, Killer Joe is almost dementedly provocative. Performances like this can carry a movie away into quirky irrelevance but thankfully there is a rock to hold it down; Matthew McConaughey continues his campaign to become the most interesting actor in Hollywood with a riveting portrayal of a malevolent scumbag with a baffling sense of dark morality. His final acts turn this from a neo-noir into a macabre spoof of family life, or a satirical depiction of the terrible things we would do to our loved ones to survive in a brutal world. I’m not sure I can even call this worthy of inclusion here, except that it got my pulse pounding like nothing else this year.

23. Moonrise Kingdom

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Fantastic Mr. Fox might have been Wes Anderson’s children’s film, but it’s arguable that his follow-up is likely as much in tune with the viewpoint of a child as his adaptation of Roald Dahl’s tale. Like some kind of gaudy yellow reworking of the stories of Arthur Ransome and Enid Blyton, Anderson throws his two very young lovers into an adventure across a humdrum island devoid of any magic or mystery until their imaginations and new-found optimism transform the claustrophobic environs into a wonderland. It’s the clash between their defiant enthusiasm for life and the beaten-down and jaded adults that provides this film’s highlights, with Bruce Willis and Ed Norton on especially good form as two men trying to make the most of a pretty crappy hand, before finding a spark of life in their attempts to help the lovestruck couple. And yet this is the least sentimental of Anderson’s movies, while also serving as his least cynical; a miraculous juggling of tone and intent from a director whose eyebrow often seems perpetually arched. It’s also another piece of evidence for SoC’s argument that Anderson is the finest and most intuitively brilliant comedic director of the current generation. Yes yes, I know, no one agrees, whatevs. But seriously, for your consideration, the trampoline shot. Come on!

22. Premium Rush

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How frustrating it must be to be seen as merely “competent” by a critical monolith that doesn’t have time or patience to appreciate the craft of a filmmaker who instinctively knows their shit. David Koepp has been writing deceptively elegant populist screenplays for years, in addition to honing his directorial skills with a number of interesting films that almost hit the spot. Premium Rush is his first directorial effort that absolutely nails it, with a confident visual style, an intoxicating sense of momentum reminiscent of Speed, and the ability to pull sprightly and appealing performances from a well-chosen cast. There’s little else to it than the thrill of a chase, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s cocky bike messenger pursued by a magnificently, hypnotically unhinged Michael Shannon, but Koepp manages the action brilliantly and has fun filling in the margins of the tale, capturing the edginess of a dangerous but vibrant New York while portraying the community of the couriers as a sub-culture with its own rules and priorities. Mid-movie pacing problems can be forgiven when everything else in this exuberantly kinetic thriller is handled so deftly. And Shannon’s work cannot be praised enough. This should have attracted a bigger audience just for him alone.

21. Killing Them Softly

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Everything’s going to hell in a handbasket; that much we know for sure (even though it possibly isn’t). Andrew Dominik is more sure than most. His follow-up to the magisterial The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is not about to hold back in its portrayal of America as a morally bankrupt, soul-deadened wasteland populated by venal opportunists, depressed to the point of inactivity, educationally backward and entitled, and he certainly isn’t about to miss an opportunity to drive the point home by including footage of the 2008 election campaign. It’s the kind of point-hammering that would normally drive SoC away, but perhaps I was particularly receptive to those sentiments on the day of viewing, or perhaps I was swayed by the bravura setpieces – such as the brutal, degrading beating and murder of one character, no spoilers – or the slow descent into numbness of James Gandolfini’s morbidly depressed hitman, or Brad Pitt’s increasing frustration with a culture that doesn’t value talent and instead seeks a quick buck. The sentiment expressed in this excoriating blast of fury at a broken society might be delivered with the smugness of a disgusted outsider, but to see Pitt’s electrifying delivery of his key speech is to feel like you just got told, son. It’s the kind of electrifying scene that becomes legendary.

20. Berberian Sound Studio

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As with a number of films on this list, there’s a good chance this would rank higher after a few extra viewings, certainly to see if there is some sense to be made of the exasperating third act. If you can even call it that; writer-director Peter Strickland’s fealty to the weird atmosphere conjured up earlier appears to have taken over his mind as completely as the terrifying events in the in-movie movie The Equestrian Vortex do to poor sound engineer Gilderoy, leading to a dereliction of duty right before the end. But what menace, what madness, what delirious berserk horror he provides before that. Cleverly keeping The Equestrian Vortex offscreen, we’re forced to see this film through the eyes and ears of Toby Jones’ horrified technician, a man out of his element and soon unable to cope with the unfamiliar and hostile world he has been thrust into; the typical quiet middle-Englander who thinks of Europe as being the home of insidious decadence. Strickland ratchets up the tension with all sorts of visual and aural trickery, creating a disturbing world with a few sets and well-utillised darkness; this is one of the most technically accomplished films from a British director in a long time. Kudos to all involved, but special praise for Jones, who gives one of the performances of the year, all repressed rage and confusion, sympathetic and infuriating in equal measure.

19. Sightseers

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It’s hard to think of another movie in recent years that oozes Britishness as much as this one. As with Berberian Sound Studio, Ben Wheatley has made a character study of what makes the classic British underdog tick, but whereas Peter Strickland’s film isolated its protagonist in Italy and made him weak, Sightseers gives us a murderous, gradually empowered couple to rival Malick’s Kit and Holly, or Tarantino/Stone’s Mickey and Mallory. Two old-at-heart lovers find themselves on the road, travelling north through England, killing those who break their unwritten but familiar codes, becoming emboldened by their love for each other and their transgressions. At first this seems like a simple translation of American homicidal road movies into a British vernacular but by its magnificently unhinged finale it feels like its own thing; a snapshot of everything that is ugly about our nation’s soul, with resentment aimed at those around us and at ourselves, all taking place against some of the country’s most beautiful landscapes. It’s also hilarious, and as quotable as that similarly bleak national self-portrait Withnail and I. With luck this clever and strangely lovable two-hander, deftly written by its stars Alice Lowe and Steve Oram, will find as large an audience.

18. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

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Peter Jackson’s urge to turn every project into some kind of epic has worked against him before, which is why even the idea that he was going to transform JRR Tolkien’s relatively slender children’s tale into a trilogy created such a backlash. Seeing the first installment places that decision into context; this is no longer a six movie adaptation of four books, more a world-building exercise for the confident New Zealander as he expands upon Tolkien’s tales. There’s a persuasive argument that that’s hubris but these projects are beginning to feel like a compilation of decades of visual and emotional reactions to Tolkien’s complex world, a smorgasbord of interpretations from readers and designers that brings something new to life; a fusion of literary work and fan appropriation that lives and breathes in a way even Tolkien never imagined, reminiscent of the mix of Burroughs and Cronenberg that gave us the movie Naked Lunch. The alterations to the original text are once more shrewd and exciting, his casting insights have again paid off, and even though even this fan can see that some trimming might have helped, what we’ve been given is yet another thrilling demonstration that Jackson is the pre-eminent fantasy filmmaker on the planet, and a persuasive argument that he should fight for the rights to The Silmarillion and keep making these films for the rest of his life. I’m sure he’d hate that, but some of us would be well chuffed.

17. Rust and Bone

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You can’t go from making the greatest prison drama of recent times to a love story without bringing some of that grit with you, and Jacques Audiard’s adaptation of Craig Davidson’s short story is simultaneously tender and abrasive, like its beaten-down lovers. Bare-knuckle boxer Ali and gravely-injured Stéphanie seem like they’ve never even understood love before; their slow awakening to its possibilities, in a world of distrust and casual cruelty, would seem trite were it not for Audiard’s sure hand and the remarkable work from Matthias Schoenaerts and Marion Cotillard. Their commitment to rehabilitate the critically derided love story genre and their low-key performances yield surprising dividends. Rust and Bone achieves moments of astonishing beauty amidst the grime of lives poorly lived; shadows like bruises pushed back by rays of blinding light provided by cinematographer Stéphane Fontaine. There’s even beauty in the brutality that galvanises and saves our protagonists; our rubbernecking fascination in the awful things people do to survive cheekily justified by Audiard’s eye for the transcendental, and the luminous Cotillard’s triumphant, well-earned return to life. This can be dismissed as mere melodrama, but those crimson brush-strokes, and the conviction of all involved, turn it into something more than mere potboiler, a romance for the austerity age.

16. Compliance

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It’s hard to shock an audience these days, but Craig Zobel has managed it with this simple but horrifying account of the Mount Washington prank call crime of 2004. The writer-director handles the slowly escalating tension with commendable confidence, his bravest choice being to pace this movie so deliberately, taking the time to let the horror of the events (the TRUE events, don’t forget) sink in and percolate in the nerves of the audience. Watching this with a crowd of people was the most startling cinematic experience of the year, with numerous walkouts and furious tirades aimed at the screen from viewers who couldn’t handle the slow degradation of the protagonists. Very little in recent years plays on our expectations as well as this, but while some critics have attacked it for being a purposeless exercise in baiting the crowd, this remarkable thriller’s only real fault is to have come out now and not during the aftermath of the Abu Ghraib scandal in Iraq, when Zobel’s points about the ease with which people can be manipulated into doing terrible things might have seemed more timely. As it is, this is a memorable achievement, an experiment in which the events on screen are symbolically acted out by those who watch it; the ultimate in meta-narrative trickery, with our horrified reactions becoming part of the story. Seeing it at home defeats this film’s bold purpose. If you can see it in a roomful of disgusted co-voyeurs, you’ll understand its impact.

15. Painless

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Juan Carlos Medina’s directorial debut, the tale of a village torn apart by the birth of several “painless” children, and a family hiding a dark secret, does many things brilliantly; it captures the agony of a country tainted by its terrible past, exorcises that pain by channeling it through metaphor, and offers hope that forgetting these terrors can lead to a new future for a generation now free of the experience of the Civil War. Just for achieving those things it would be remarkable, but for making something with such serious intent in a genre that has, for a few years, seemed to be coasting on found-footage exorcism movies and endless repetitive zombie rampages, Medina’s ambition shines even brighter. That’s before we get into his mastery of atmosphere, his skillful manipulation of the audience –especially during the almost unwatchably tense middle-section — and the bold creation of Berkano, a character surely ready to join the pantheon of horror greats. The bravura, operatic finale is a flourish well-earned; this is the best horror movie of the new decade – emotional, intellectual, and unflinching, made with an elegant touch that is easily a rival to new horror masters Del Toro and Bayona.

14. Jack Reacher

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This kind of hoary thriller, based on the questionable novels that target armchair libertarian gun nuts who distrust all forms of authority except that which is dispensed by uncomplicated common-sense killing machines, is exactly the sort of thing that makes Shades of Caruso want to vomit up both lungs, and Chris McQuarrie’s adaptation of Lee Childs’ One Shot is no exception. Our hero is a macho force-of-nature full of old-fashioned values, with a dash of slut-shaming and a damsel-rescuing fetish thrown in for good measure. Everyone wants to fuck him or be him; Jack Reacher is a MAN’S MAN. This is the bad bit of the movie. The good bits? Almost everything else, from the shrewd casting (Rosamund Pike aside), to the attention to detail, to the exquisitely choreographed setpieces. The action is believably messy, the central mystery is intricate but comprehensible, and the inevitable pro-capital punishment argument is arguably tempered by the final scene. The retrograde politics repulse, but the old-school sharpness and focus of the filmmaking is undeniably thrilling to behold. To go back in time to a world of starkly shot and constructed thrillers of this calibre entails taking the rough of the past with the smooth, but considering how rarely we get smooth these days, McQuarrie deserves credit for at least taking the time to transform macho lead into cinema gold.

13. Argo

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For those of us who have eagerly followed Ben Affleck’s career since he began to show promise, for those of us who pooh-poohed all of the mean gossip about how he and Matt Damon’s Oscar-winning screenplay for Good Will Hunting was really the work of William Goldman, for those of us who loved him in Changing Lanes and Hollywoodland and even Daredevil (God help us), oh my, this has been a long time coming. After Gone Baby Gone and The Town were described as being “surprisingly well-made considering it’s by Affleck”, the great man returned with his strongest and most confident movie yet and finally, FINALLY, everyone started giving him a break. To be honest this incredible tale of the rescue of six Iranian Embassy staff would be hard to screw up, considering the astonishing details about the fake sci-fi movie Argo and the crazy plot to fool the hardline regime of Iran, but Affleck goes above and beyond, offering up a riveting piece of big-screen entertainment, maintaining suspense from the first scene right through to the end while modulating the tone with a light touch. Add to that a cast packed full of beloved character actors — with special attention to lovable Bryan Cranston — and you’ve got the cheekiest film of the year; part heavily-detailed period piece with modern relevance, part adventure, with a touch of Wag The Dog thrown in.

12. The Bourne Legacy

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Skyfall, and the two films before it, impressed Bond fans by taking the popular hero back to his beginnings and recasting his historical failings as consequences of his adventures, with a good man broken down and rebuilt in new form. The first three Bourne movies followed a similar path, with a lost man finding himself, ending with a journey back to the room in which he was “born”, followed by a metaphorical rebirth. The fourth Bourne movie reverses this trend, with a new character given a new lease of life by evil men, made to do evil things, but terrified of returning to his original self. As with the previous films the enemy here is the banal self-preservation instinct of venal bureaucrats, but for once they have done one good thing; delivering a man from oblivion, giving him the tools to make a future for himself; yet another example of how the Bourne movies defy expectation and complicate what could have been simple. That is pleasure enough, but Tony Gilroy also provides a masterclass in writing suspense, withholding information skilfully to build tension in the early scenes, keeping characters in the dark about others’ motivation (another convention of the series), before laying all the cards on the table with a breathtaking finale on the roads and rooftops of Manila. Dismissed as a misstep by critics during the summer, this espionage classic is due a revisit. Hopefully we’ll have time to realise that Jeremy Renner’s Aaron Cross is a worthy replacement for the franchise’s titular hero.

11. John Carter

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Could it be SoC’s reflexive love of the underdog that saw this blog go out of its way to defend Andrew Stanton’s obscenely expensive love letter to pulp sci-fi? Was it sympathy that triggered a million tweets of desperate pleading for audiences to give this instantly dated old-school adventure a chance? Or was it a sense of injustice that something crafted with such affection for the source material and – at times – such storytelling skill could be dismissed with such ease by reviewers who likely got the scent of an easy kill in their nostrils? Perhaps it was just relief that, in a year where big-screen entertainments, for the most part, delivered so little, there was someone out there who was willing to put their reputation on the line to tell a tale that they loved and to do it with brio and enthusiasm and crowd-pleasing confidence. John Carter might have ended up the punchline of a million shitty jokes, but for a growing legion of fans this was the real deal; space opera with scale and imagination and spirit, light and uncynical and emotionally honest. It’s everything critics have been complaining has been missing from cinema, done with an open heart and the buccaneering spirit of the Golden Era of film; a Burt Lancaster carouser in a digital shell. This should have been loved from the moment it came out, but no matter. That love will come in time.

10. Dans La Maison

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Storytellers prone to agonising over the conventions and expectations they need to consider as they practice their craft will likely find Francois Ozon’s dizzying adaptation of Juan Mayorga’s play The Boy In The Last Row a difficult film to watch, but they should swallow their pride and do it anyway. Much of this tale of a soured marriage, and how it is enlivened by tales spun by a mysteriously-motivated schoolboy, focuses on satirising the class prejudices of its smug middle-class characters, and treating the film as such is rewarding in itself, thanks to Ozon’s deft touch and witty approach. Nevertheless this is also about how we view life through the prism of expectation, either through the rigid rules of storytelling taught by Fabrice Luchini’s amusingly humourless protagonist, or the eagerness to treat the outside world as a display to sate our voyeurism; the world as stage, filled with people who forget that they are players as well as participants. If Haneke had directed this it would have been a gloomy parable; maybe better, maybe worse. Gratitude is due, then, to Ozon for whipping up something lightly entertaining yet multi-layered, critical but hopeful, cautionary but compassionate. It will reward repeat viewings for years to come.

9. Seven Psychopaths

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You could see this as the typical balls-out, unrestrained debut of a director with more ideas on his mind than he knows what to do with, and in a way you’d be right. Martin McDonagh wrote this before In Bruges, before a number of his plays, and the feeling that he was running riot in his study, cramming jokes and setpieces and thoughts about writing into a screenplay that barely has time for it all. But if this doesn’t have the focus of The Pillowman or In Bruges, it does have the charm of an eager puppy. The way McDonagh picks at the mindset of the writer, the laziness of the mainstream story factory, and the process of transforming reality and previously-absorbed stories into a new form is endearingly frank; anyone who has ever written for a living would probably recognise the desperation and egotism of Colin Farrell’s brilliantly played anti-hero. Even more pleasing is the cast, all of whom are on top form, especially Shades of Caruso favourite Sam Rockwell at his very best, and Christopher Walken, here giving his strongest and most moving performance since Catch Me If You Can. McDonagh’s games with genre and narrative are a pleasing puzzle for the mind, but his craft as a director is improving; no one else could pull off the film’s surprisingly powerful final scenes while still keeping the tone this light.

8. The Dark Knight Rises

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Christopher Nolan’s ambitions from one movie to the next have increased so much that surely the only thing he could do to top the scale of The Dark Knight trilogy is to cram the rise and fall of the Roman Empire into one four-hour epic. What makes The Dark Knight Rises a success, however, is not the eye-popping shots of a city at war with itself, or the image of the Bat soaring above the streets through concrete canyons, engines and rockets booming. The masterstroke is grounding the trilogy, turning what could have merely been a story about heroes and villains into the tale of a boy getting over his grief, locating the source of his unhappiness and overcoming it through sheer force of will. This simple arc would be satisfying enough, but it also serves as a warning to the audience about the consequences of giving in to despair. Bane represents a lie that the society we have built for ourselves is only a prison, a lie easily believed when the institutions we have built become corrupted by human venality. The Dark Knight trilogy has shown the people of Gotham inspired by a symbol to say that they can do better, if they say no loud enough while never losing their humanity to despair. If superheroes are meant to show the nobility of the hero, and the possibilities created by courage, then The Dark Knight Rises is possibly the ultimate example of this message.

7. Cabin in the Woods

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Whoever thought Scream had the last word in deconstructing the horror genre ::says nothing but points at own chest with a look of regret:: was wrong. Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon managed to do it with even more wit and energy than we had hoped. But their greatest achievement was to take a clever idea and run with it, to run so damn far that you never think they’ll stop. For a writer to see an explosion of ideas this extreme, and yet so grounded in honouring a single core concept – that this film will link the repetitive and necessary conventions of a subset of genre to every other subset you could imagine, creating an ur-myth of horror that accepts that genre is about honouring conventions because of our psychological make-up as well as in a completely fantastical made-up sense that explains the plot of this specific story – is to fall in love with the telling of stories all over again. They put SO MUCH STUFF in this movie, you guys, and it ALL WORKS COHERENTLY. Watching this is like being a part of the greatest and most satisfying brainstorming session ever, with the bonus that the finished product is not only clever but effective as a horror movie and also still hysterically funny. It’s the complete package; a story about story that’s also just a really good story. In a year in which meta-fiction proliferated, this was the most deliriously enjoyable example.

6. Cloud Atlas

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As a fan of David Mitchell’s ambitious multi-layered novel this adaptation by Tom Tykwer and Wachowskis Lana and Andy had a lot to live up to, and for the most part it succeeds. Certainly this is a masterclass in editing, penny-pinching and thematic ambition, going all out to honour the book’s ideas about pan-temporal connection by using the same actors in each of the film’s six timeframes. Perhaps on first viewing this can be seen as a mistake; picking out familiar faces obscured by layers of make-up can be distracting. But then this is a movie not afraid to risk failure, and so we swing back and forth from one tone to the other, from farce to high drama, and all the while with the same disarming, open-eyed sincerity. Anyone with even a grain of cynicism will take nothing from this film, citing its simple message of love and hope as the kind of thing a fool cherishes. But a simple idea, told with this level of narrative complexity, deserves all the praise it can get. Ignore the idea of souls passing through the ages; this is a story that heralds the accretion of ideas across the ages through the narratives of our lives, passed on to those around us, and with those ideas the possibility that courage is transferable, and goodness cumulative. To do this Tykwer and the Wachowskis had to create a story like a web, one whose connections will only become completely apparent with further viewing; a perfect film for our connected and complicated age.

5. The Grey

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Marketed as part of Liam Neeson’s late-career action renaissance, audiences must have been mystified at Joe Carnahan’s survival tale, in which the actual act of enduring horrors is secondary to exploring the idea of whether it’s even worth fighting against impossible odds. There’s no wolf-punching here, merely the struggle to squeeze the last few drops out of a life before death wins; a message far less palatable than the bluntly Manichaean battles Neeson usually fights. This high-mindedness has drawn its own criticisms; how dare this pulpy B-movie try to address the most important issues facing every human? But the disparity between the macho natures of the characters and the vulnerable, terrified survivors they become is arguably the ideal way to show how imminent death can humble all of us, leading to a final act of devastating power. Mamet may have given us a similarly symbolic tale of man vs. nature in his survival epic The Edge but even that most perceptive of masculine dramatists doesn’t approach what is accomplished here. Neeson has been great value in recent years but this remarkable, grueling movie represents his finest hour. We expected an ironic diversion, but Joe Carnahan and his star managed to achieve a kind of brutal, startling profundity. It’s a game-changer for both of them; let’s hope it leads to more ambitious work in the future.

4. Wolf Children

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Pixar’s Brave was an interesting attempt to dramatise the love between a mother and her child within a magical framework, at times achieving breathtaking beauty and insight, but notably complicating an otherwise simple tale with anthropomorphic transmogrifications and such like. Your opinion of the movie may vary depending on how you take such things. Mamoru Hosoda’s Wolf Children does similar things to Brenda Chapman and Mark Andrews’ Highland tale, showing the bond between a mother and her children, whose animal nature makes bringing them up even more challenging than usual. It also strikes right at the heart with a directness to equal the opening scene of Up, except stretched out to two hours. The result is exhausting; an assault on the senses and the emotions that left SoC weeping as if bereaved. With admirable honesty Hosoda — aided by a glorious score by Takagi Masakatsu — presents young motherhood as a struggle that can only end in loss, bringing pain leavened by the love and joy of family and community, while also taking time out to honour the fantastical nature of his protagonists without ever losing sight of the story’s emotional core. The delicate skill with which Hosoda dramatises young Hana’s trials is beyond doubt; whether we will ever recover from this lachrymose onslaught, this instantly cherishable masterpiece, remains to be seen.

3. The Master

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Paul Thomas Anderson’s spiky movie expands on There Will Be Blood‘s loose narrative structure, presenting a tale of healing in which no one is healed, a tale of education in which no one learns anything, a tale of love in which no one finds love; a choice that has inevitably frustrated many. Freddie Quell and Lancaster Dodd’s peculiar rapport is less a meeting of minds, more the desperate embrace of two men lost in a storm, turning this into a tale of disappointment, both men holding onto a doomed relationship for selfish reasons, almost to the point of destroying each other. To tell that story, Anderson has created a drama that deflates as their friendship dissolves, a platonic love story where happy endings come from the characters realising they’re wasting each others’ time. How fitting that their only talents are for obfuscation and intoxication, in a movie that hides its purpose – the empty life of the charlatan – within scenes as brilliantly baffling as Dodd’s seemingly endless and ineffective deconstruction of his charge, or in a mise-en-scene so perfectly rendered by David Crank, Jack Fisk and Amy Wells, so luminously lit by Mihai Malaimare Jr., so energised by Phoenix and Hoffman at their very best. If There Will Be Blood is the tale of a man who loses his soul and doesn’t care, The Master is a story about two men who have lost sight of their souls but are too stupid and proud to realise it. Such desperation is rarely dramatised, and never before has it been done with such mesmerising and unpredictable immediacy.

2. Holy Motors

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Is it possible to like a movie without having a concrete idea of what its intent actually is? Leos Carax’s critically adored festival crowdpleaser is a million mysteries at once, an anti-narrative sunburst of imagery, a handful of short stories that play with audience expectation in the most playful of ways. And that’s the key to appreciating Holy Motors, at least for this viewer. Carax sets his muse, the magical Denis Lavant, loose on Paris in a series of vignettes that set out to play to our expectations before dancing away in bizarre directions, all of which make a perfect dream-like sense, like an image caught at the edge of our vision. So is it a paean to the imminent death of cinema? Does it embrace the digital future? There’s enough in the movie to argue for either case, but also enough for interpretations that Carax is as interested in the stories we all live as in the ones we see on the screen. Lavant’s protagonist is a performer dancing to the tune of an unseen, possibly celestial organ grinder, but is he also just a human, transforming through a number of personas each day as we all do? Is Carax paying homage to the medium of cinema, or is he drawing attention to the audience, and how we live our lives in the light of stories remembered, where we find ourselves lost when real life takes unpredictable turns untold by our cinematic gods? Holy Motors will inevitably flourish upon further viewing, to be plundered for new ideas and interpretations, but this isn’t a barrier to immediate enjoyment. Carax’s joyous melange of image and sound, idea and mood, is welcoming, filled with a warmth and wit rare in art cinema, offering dreams within dreams within glorious dreams.

1. The Avengers

Shades of Caruso knows what it likes, and it rarely feels the urge to apologise for those likes. Yet this may be the most defensive entry in this list, simply because with all the will in the world I cannot argue that Joss Whedon’s superhero epic is a better film than Holy Motors, or The Master. It has a clumsy first hour or so. The plotline in which the team rebels against the machinations of SHIELD is underpowered. Whedon’s eye as a director is not the most reliable. The shady guys on the other end of Nick Fury’s phone feel like artificial obstacles and particularly stupid human beings. And so on, and so on. But my god, look at what it gets right. Look at the ambition of the Marvel Studios project, making these huge, gallumphing movies line up so that we could get this unifying vision at the end of it. Look at the wit on display, the dedication to bringing an entire universe of possibility to life, the effort to understand these icons as distinct and exciting viable characters. I mean, it’s like we got a movie with seven Indiana Jones’ in the lead, they’re that well drawn and likeable, and yet we take this incredible achievement for granted. Okay, I’m getting overexcited here but honestly, to most people this might be little more than a big summer event movie, one with a few nice jokes and some cool action. But to a few of us, this is the electrifying depiction of a childhood fantasy. It’s here! It’s really here! They did it!

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It’s impossible to overstate how happy this movie made me. Last year I chose Jeff Nichols’ remarkable but troubling Take Shelter as my movie of the year because it perfectly captured my state of mind; desperately fearful of what is to come. This is the flipside. In times of strife we look back to the things that made us feel safe when we were children, and part of the success of The Avengers is down to its ability to make the audience feel young again, to give us unambiguous goodness and heroism versus unformed but undeniably nefarious threats and, most importantly, not to apologise for it. This is possibly the least complicated movie on this list, but for that reason I love it all the more. It’s “merely” well-wrought escapism, but the very best example of this since Back to the Future, maybe even earlier; a huge, unifying blast of populist joy that turns packed cinemas into some kind of communal dream palace cum stadium. Film lovers worry about the future of the medium, but should resist their negativity, even if it means accepting “hokum” as the solution. Whedon and Marvel Studios brought fun back to cinema this year in the most overwhelming, exhilarating manner imaginable. Nothing in 2012 has made me as euphoric as this delirious display of optimism and spectacle, nothing else left me reeling in this way. So screw the apologies, cancel the equivocation. The year belongs to Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, and so does my heart.

Honorable Mentions:

Chronicle: The only film this year to make the increasingly miserable found-footage genre seem like a viable option. Josh Trank and Max Landis’ superhero movie is actually more a supervillain saga, with Dane DeHaan’s unhappy and sympathetic lost soul becoming a force of darkness upon discovering great power. His increasing instability leads to an ending that evokes memories of Akira. Thrilling, imaginative, emotionally resonant; this is a superb debut, and an instant classic of the genre.

The Pirates: In An Adventure With Scientists!: Finally, Aardman Animations lives up to its potential as an animation powerhouse with this inventive and joke-packed crowdpleaser. For too long they’ve coasted on affection for their endearing shorts, but screenwriter Gideon Defoe, adapting from his popular children’s novel, has brought a necessary sly and snarky wit to a studio whose output can sometimes seem a little too polite. Aardman are looking for backers to fund a sequel; if I had the money I’d fund it myself.

Magic Mike: Congratulations to Steven Soderbergh for making a movie that is defiantly harder to love than the garish good-time movie promised by the ads and yet still made money and generated good word of mouth. That’s how smart and absorbing this story of thwarted entrepreneurial spirit and economic difficulty is; come for the gyrating and greased-up abs, stay for the low-key character drama. And some more abs, cuz seriously, there’s a lot of them, mostly flexing on Channing Tatum’s belly.

21 Jump Street: Regular readers will know that we’re the world’s biggest fans of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, which dissects movie cliches with the precision of a coroner. This adaptation of the ludicrous 80s TV series looked and sounded like a misfire for Cloudy‘s directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller, but even if it’s not as good as their animated masterwork, it’s still sharp, silly, and perfectly judged, with a stand-out performance from the increasingly lovable Tatum.

The Man With The Iron Fists: If there’s a place in the world of cinema for movies made with precision, sobriety and emotional complexity, there should also be a place for balls-out enthusiasm and goofiness. The haphazard style of The Man With The Iron Fists betrays RZA’s desperate attempts to cram in as many homages to his beloved martial arts genre as possible, but goddamn it, at one point Lucy Liu kicks a guy’s head off, and later RZA punches someone’s eye out. Sometimes this is exactly what you need in your life.

And sometimes what you need in life are SHIT MOVIES and that’s what’s coming up next: my worst movies of the year list.

Listmania ’12! Music Round-Up

2012 was yet another year of austerity for Shades of Caruso. Unsurprising. This was, after all, a year in which the global economic meltdown even brought about the cancellation of a universally popular but prohibitively expensive TV show like CSI: Miami – the show so important and groundbreaking that it led to the creation of this blog. If the endlessly dynamic and gestalt-shattering adventures of Horatio Caine are no longer considered profitable enough to keep on the air, then what hope the rest of us? As belts were tightened disposable income vanished, and it looked like I wouldn’t be able to buy enough music to justify a post celebrating anything. In 2011 I vanished into a jazz hole for most of the year; this year I couldn’t even afford to do that.

And then came Spotify, many years after everyone else began using it, and that all changed. The tenner a month I spent on that was possibly the best money I spent all year, transforming a dour work environment into a wonderland of musical exploration. I could listen to even more jazz! I could try out albums I would never have bothered with otherwise! I could go back and catch up on stuff I should have heard years ago! The other night I was justifiably unhappy as I read yet more bad press about the poor, beleaguered BBC, before Spotify swooped in and gave me the chance to compare the Menier Chocolate Factory cast recording of Sunday In The Park With George with the original Broadway recording. This might seem like small consolation at 4 in the morning, but to realise that the lovely Daniel Evans version of Finishing the Hat was actually not even as lovely as Mandy Patinkin’s rendition, with more grandiose orchestral backing, was a revelation.

At times this year I’ve wondered how I’d get through the night, but Spotify turned this around. Yes, the funding model for bands is appalling, and I appreciate that the system is not anywhere near perfect yet, though some of the bands I’ve enjoyed this year might even have made something in the region of $3 at the very least thanks to repeated listens. You’re welcome, Grimes, by the way. Hopefully this can be resolved soon; I can’t afford to buy all of the albums I’ve enjoyed this year, but I’ve tried to pimp out the stuff I’ve loved, in the hope that someone else would pick up my financial slack. Nevertheless, the guilt I feel is almost completely wiped out by the relief I feel at keeping my interest in music alive. The amount of variety I’ve experienced as a result means all of my lists here are larger than usual; a consequence of the revolution in my head.

Best Albums:

20. Blunderbuss - Jack White

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19. SlaughterhouseTy Segall Band

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18. NootropicsLower Dens

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17. Put Your Back N 2 It - Perfume Genius

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16. Bend Beyond – Woods

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15. The Only Place – Best Coast

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14. Just To Feel Anything – Emeralds

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13. Cancer For Cure – El-P

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12. Lonerism - Tame Impala

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11. Reign of Terror – Sleigh Bells

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10. Among The Leaves - Sun Kil Moon

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9. Lost Songs - …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead

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8. Celebration Rock - Japandroids

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7. Major – Fang Island

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6. Total Loss - How To Dress Well

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5. America - Dan Deacon

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4. Visions – Grimes

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3. Spooky Action at a Distance - Lotus Plaza

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2. Shields - Grizzly Bear

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1. Channel Orange – Frank Ocean

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Best Singles:

10. Dark Parts - Perfume Genius

9. Myth – Beach House

8. Anchor - Tu Fawning

7. Year of the Glad – Marnie Stern

6. I’ll Be Alright – Passion Pit

5. The House That Heaven Built - Japandroids

4. Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

3. I’m Shakin’ – Jack White

2. Thinkin About You - Frank Ocean

1. Sleeping Ute – Grizzly Bear

Best Album Tracks:

20. Anchor – Future of the Left

19. Goddess Eyes II – Julia Holter

18. Five Seconds – Twin Shadow

17. Hollywood Forever Cemetary Sings - Father John Misty

16. Wait - DIIV

15. The Place I Live - Mount Eerie

14. Backseat Freestyle – Kendrick Lamar

13. Is It Honest? – Woods

12. Drones Over Bklyn – El-P

11. Catatonic – …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead

10. Half Gate – Grizzly Bear

9. Asunder - Fang Island

8. Lots - Dan Deacon

7. & It Was U – How To Dress Well

6. Be Above It – Tame Impala

5. Crush – Sleigh Bells

4. Bad Religion – Frank Ocean

3. Monoliths – Lotus Plaza

2. Monkey Riches – Animal Collective

1. Genesis – Grimes

Best Album Cover of the Year: Clear Moon – Mount Eerie

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Hear me out. It might seem like a really boring cover, but this image of a mountain on a bright moonlit night, shrouded in mist, when coupled with the atmospheric sounds of this exceptional album, have propelled me into a reverie many times this year, transforming any number of sullen tube trips into magical journeys. It might not be an iconic image, but it captures the sound of the album so perfectly it’s like a window into frontman Phil Elverum’s head.

Worst Album Cover of the Year: Tempest – Bob Dylan

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Worse than Good As I Been To You. Worse than Empire Burlesque. There are just no words.

Disappointment of the Year: Centipede Hz – Animal Collective

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Were it by any other band I would have loved this but Animal Collective are coming off a trio of albums so impressive they topped my lists in each of the years they were released. Not a bad album, per se, but only the mighty Monkey Riches supplied their usual chaotic uplift.

Most Hypnotically Troubling Album of the Year: Among The Leaves – Sun Kil Moon

Mark Kozelek might not be the biggest artist in the world, and might even survive in most people’s minds as little more than a punchline, but to his fans he’s a constant, the writer of songs both epic in size and intimate in scope, a droning (in a good way) background noise to our lives. It’s impossible to love him and not know that the guy is often pretty spiky and unhappy, but Among The Leaves, the latest on his own Caldo Verde label and a continuation of his post-Admiral Fell Promises “minimalist” period, finds him even more troubled by, and resentful of, his lack of success, reminiscing about happier times in a way so excoriating and unpleasantly honest that it becomes almost masochistic to listen to. Nevertheless, his lyrics have become sharpened to a point and those sparse arrangements are now counterpoints to that frankness, and if the soundscapes of his past might have disappeared as a result of budgetary constraints, the new phase in his career might bring about a critical renaissance. If people can handle the escalation in the scale of his self-loathing, that is.

Favourite Vocal Performance of the Year: No One Like You – Best Coast

Favourite Middle-Eight of the Year: Regalia – Fang Island

Most Darkly Funny Track of the Year: UK Blues – Sun Kil Moon

Most Emotionally Wrenching Track of the Year: Set It Right – How To Dress Well

Best Opening Track of the Year: I Know It’s Pathetic But That Was The Greatest Night Of My Life - Sun Kil Moon

Best Closing Track of the Year: In The End Is The Beginning - Lower Dens

Best Throwback To The Glory Days Of Tangerine Dream: Everything Is Inverted – Emeralds

Most Gratefully Received Return To Form: The Sound Of the Life Of The Mind – Ben Folds Five

Best Video of the Year: True Thrush – Dan Deacon

Best Albums I Heard This Year For The First Time, And Yes, I Know Some Of These Are Shocking Omissions But Gimme A Break, At Least I Got There In The End, Okay?:

20. Q. Are We Not Men? A. We Are Devo - Devo

19. The Golden Age of Apocalypse - Thundercat

18. Let The Blind Lead Those Who Can See But Cannot Feel – Atlas Sound

17. Low – David Bowie

16. Open and Close – Fela Kuti

15. Requiem For My Friend – Zbigniew Preisner

14. Post-Nothing – Japandroids

13. Alligator – The National

12. Childish Prodigy – Kurt Vile

11. White Light / White Heat – The Velvet Underground

10. Ghosts of the Great Highway – Sun Kil Moon

9. Swim - Caribou

8. Talking Heads 77 - Talking Heads

7. Freedom of Choice - Devo

6. King of the Beach – Wavves

5. Tarot Sport - Fuck Buttons

4. Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

3. I Get Wet - Andrew WK

2. Treats – Sleigh Bells

1. Alive 2007 – Daft Punk

And for those who have Spotify and want to give any of these a try without having to deal with YouTube’s ads, here’s a link to a playlist of 60 songs.

FAO those who are waiting for the multipart Listmania! film lists (and much to my surprise, apparently there are people waiting on them, which is massively flattering), I’m working on them up until the last minute to pack in as many movies as possible. They should be done by the time the next scheduled apocalypse comes around. Or at least earlier than the UK release of the majority of the most critically acclaimed films of the year yes I know I complain about this every year but goddamnit my Twitter timeline is all Django this and Bigelow that and I’m allowed to pout, okay?