As ever, my tardiness means this post goes up after the Oscar nominations are out, instead of, you know, in 2012, but in a way this is good as I can use this paragraph to have a little moan about the usual snubs. Most of them don’t really bother me as much as they used to because, of course, the Academy is never going to match my opinion and to think it ever would would be the height of arrogance, but to know that the cowardly decision not to pick Kathryn Bigelow (I assume it’s cowardice over the ongoing torture controversy) probably made that massive fraud and douchebag Bret Easton Ellis dance a little jig of joy yesterday makes me desperately unhappy. Fuck this sexist asshole, and don’t even try to tell me he’s got talent to back up his bitchiness. My dick can write better than him.

And that’s all. I’m just too damn tired to give a full rant there. I mean, sure, I can understand why Tarantino didn’t get a nomination (Django‘s not just controversial, it’s also really bratty and no one would have wanted to nominate that), and I can almost see why my pick for director of the year Paul Thomas Anderson didn’t get nominated (either because the movie’s too weird or the Academy’s scared of Sea Org), but no nomination for a film as bravely, rigorously constructed as Zero Dark Thirty, something so sober and challenging and just goddamn important? I just despair. It soured my pleasure at seeing The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists! nominated for a Best Animated Feature award, which of course made up for the Bafta snub. Well, Bigelow’s snub and the knowledge that Benh Zeitlin got the nomination she deserved. Just… what?

So you’d better believe I added Bigelow to my Best Director list. In your face, BEE, you pissy little controversy-courting gnome. My selection negates the Oscar snub, you better believe it. I’m going to send her prize in the post later today (it’s a shredded copy of Less Than Zero). One more thing to add; I’m not entirely sure what the tags do at the bottom of this post; clicking on them allows you to see every post on this site with the same tag? Or every post on WordPress? Whatever. I’ve been operating with maximum ignorance for years now, and the last post I did featured so many tags it took me an hour and a half to add them all (anyone who uses WordPress will know how fiddly the dashboard tag-adding system is), so this time I’ll either add, like, ten, or one that just says “Movies” because life’s too short. The only thing that makes me feel better about this foolishness is that BEE probably doesn’t know what tags are for either. Because he sucks. Now, on with the listy show.

Best Director: Paul Thomas Anderson – The Master

Honorable Mentions: 

Leos Carax – Holy Motors

Kathryn Bigelow - Zero Dark Thirty

Joe Carnahan – The Grey

Quentin Tarantino - Django Unchained

Mamoru Hosoda – Wolf Children

Best Directorial Debut: Juan Carlos Medina – Painless

Honorable Mention: Josh Trank – Chronicle

Best Screenplay: Martin McDonagh – Seven Psychopaths

Honorable Mentions:

Paul Thomas Anderson – The Master

Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon – Cabin in the Woods

François Ozon – Dans La Maison

Quentin Tarantino – Django Unchained

Chris Terrio – Argo

Best Cinematography: Mihai Malaimare, Jr. – The Master

Honorable Mentions:

Stéphane Fontaine – Rust and Bone

Wally Pfister – The Dark Knight Rises

Dariusz Wolski – Prometheus

Greig Fraser – Killing Them Softly

Nicholas D. Knowland – Berberian Sound Studio

Best Digital Photography:  Roger Deakins – Skyfall

Best 3D Photography: Anthony Dod Mantle – Dredd

Best Editing: Alexander Berner – Cloud Atlas (spoilers in clip)

Honorable Mention: William Goldenberg and Dylan Tichenor - Zero Dark Thirty

Best Soundtrack: Takagi Masakatsu – Wolf Children

Honorable Mentions:

Hans Zimmer – The Dark Knight Rises

Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek and Tom Tykwer - Cloud Atlas

Dickon Hinchliffe – Shadow Dancer

Mark Streitenfeld – Prometheus

Alexandre Desplat - Moonrise Kingdom

Best Original Song: Touch The Sky by Julie Fowlis – Brave

Best Costume Design: Mayes C. Rubeo – John Carter

Honorable Mentions:

Lindy Hemming - The Dark Knight Rises

Eiko Ishioka – Mirror, Mirror

Margot Wilson – Lawless

Sharen Davis – Django Unchained

Janty Yates – Prometheus

Best Visual Effects: Weta Digital, ILM, Digital Domain, Stereo D, Hydraulx… basically everyone in the industry except Buf (apologies to all those I missed out) - The Avengers

Honorable Mentions:

Weta Digital – The Hobbit

Weta Digital, MPC and Fuel VFX – Prometheus

Cinesite, Stereo D, Double Negative, MPC - John Carter

Double Negative, Buf, MPC, The Third Floor, Prime Focus and many more - Total Recall

Double Negative – The Dark Knight Rises

Best Sound Design: Richard King – The Dark Knight Rises

Honorable Mentions:

Alan Rankin and Mark P. Stoeckinger – Jack Reacher

Timothy Nielsen and Jonathan Null – John Carter

Stephen Hunter Flick – Total Recall

Frank E. Eulner – The Avengers

Darren and Gregory King – Battleship

Best Production Design / Art Direction: Patrick Tatopoulos, Oana Bogdan and Brandt Gordon - Total Recall

Honorable Mentions:

Nathan Crowley, James Hambidge and Naaman Marshall – John Carter

Nathan Crowley, James Hambidge, Naaman Marshall and Kevin Kavanaugh – The Dark Knight Rises

Arthur Max and John King – Prometheus

Dan Hennah and Simon Bright – The Hobbit

J. Michael Riva and David F. Klassen – Django Unchained

Worst Director: Rob Cohen – Alex Cross

Dishonorable Mentions:

Paul W.S Anderson – Resident Evil: Retribution

Nima Nourizadeh – Project X

Simon West – The Expendables 2

William Brent Bell – The Devil Inside

Akiva Schaffer – The Watch

Worst Screenplay: Marc Moss and Kerry Williamson – Alex Cross

Dishonorable Mentions:

Paul W.S. Anderson – Resident Evil: Retribution

Timothy Dowling, Simon Kinberg and Marcus Gautesen – This Means War

Jennifer Westfeldt - Friends With Kids

Seth Grahame-Smith and John August – Dark Shadows

Evan Daugherty, John Lee Hancock and Hossein Amini - Snow White and the Huntsman

Worst Cinematography: Ricardo Della Rosa – Alex Cross

Dishonorable Mentions:

Simon Dennis – The Sweeney

Brandon Trost – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Shelly Johnson – The Expendables 2

Gonzalo Amat - The Devil Inside

“Crash” aka Karsten Gopinath – Step Up Revolution

Worst Editing: Matt Diezel and Thom Noble – Alex Cross

Dishonorable Mention: Camille Dellamare and Vincent Tabaillon – Taken 2

Most Valuable Player In Cinema 2012: Megan Ellison, producer extraordinaire

Okay, I’m being yelled at to go to sleep (both by humans and felines). There’s still more to come, with miscellaneous gubbins including Most Surprising Film of the Year, Most Disappointing Film of the Year, and Film I Never Ever Ever Want To Fucking Talk About Ever Again.