Listmania ‘10! Performances Of The Year

It’s tempting to think of 2010 as the year that women ruled cinema. That would almost certainly be too bold a statement, but it’s worth noting that when collating my favourite performances of the year I had to think for a while before getting my usual six candidates for Best Performance From An Actor, but there were so many strong performances from women in well-written and conceived roles that I had to prune out some of my absolute favourite work of the year. Apologies to Catherine Keener (Please Give), Julianne Moore (The Kids Are All Right), Rachel Weisz (Agora), Aggeliki Papoulia (Dogtooth), Michelle Yeoh (Reign of Assassins), Kristin Scott Thomas (Partir), Marion Cotillard (Inception), and Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole).

Compare that to the actors I left out: Colin Farrell, who was great in Neil Jordan’s Ondine, Riz Ahmed and Kayvan Novak for providing the heart that powers Four Lions, Kôji Yakusho for his badassery in 13 Assassins, Aaron Eckhart for providing the understandable histrionics in Rabbit Hole, and Will Forte for his shameless work in MacGruber. And yes, I’m serious on that last one. It’s one of the funniest comedic performances I’ve seen in years, truly shameless and 100% full-on. Still, that’s not as big a list, considering the meatiest roles usually go to actors. I’m certainly not so optimistic / delusional to think that this is evidence of some kind of sea change, but it is heartening, and one of the best things about cinema in this otherwise quite low-key year. The lack of good roles for non-white performers, however, is deeply depressing. Perhaps I’m not watching the right films, but even so, I can’t think of anyone of “colour” (sorry, that always sounds patronising coming from someone as white as me) who was given a meaty role this year. It almost makes me pine for Precious. Almost.

I’ve subtly changed my annual performances list by stressing it’s the performance that matters, not the performer. In the past it’s seemed like I’ve been dissing the person and not their work. There are some people that I’ve listed in the “Worst” category here that have just had a bit of a crappy year, or were directed poorly. It’s no reflection on the person: I just think that something went wrong in the conception of the role. Yes, this is another of my regular caveats. And so, here we go, with what might be my favourite performance of the last 10 years. Yes, she’s THAT GOOD.

Best Performance By An Actress: Natalie Portman – Black Swan

Honorable Mentions:

Annette Bening - The Kids Are All Right

Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine

Greta Gerwig – Greenberg

Carey Mulligan – Never Let Me Go

Emma Stone – Easy A

Best Performance By An Actor: Ben Stiller – Greenberg

Honorable Mentions:

Andrew Garfield – Never Let Me Go

Javier Bardem – Biutiful

Mark Ruffalo - The Kids Are All Right

Ryan Gosling – Blue Valentine

Casey Affleck – The Killer Inside Me

Best Performance By A Supporting Actress: Olivia Williams – The Ghost Writer

Honorable Mentions:

Dale Dickey – Winter’s Bone

Mia Wasikowska – The Kids Are All Right

Rebecca Hall - Please Give

Chloe Moretz – Kick-Ass

Ellen Page – Inception

Best Performance By A Supporting Actor: Zach Galafianakis – It’s Kind of a Funny Story

Honorable Mentions:

John Hawkes – Winter’s Bone

Andrew Garfield – The Social Network

Jackie Chan – The Karate Kid

Nicholas Cage – Kick-Ass

Eddie Marsan – The Disappearance of Alice Creed

Best Individual Voice Work – Steve Carell – Despicable Me

Best Voice Cast / Direction: Toy Story 3

Best Cameo: James Franco / Mila Kunis – Date Night

Most Likeable Cast: Going The Distance

Worst Performance By An Actress: Milla Jovovich – Resident Evil: Afterlife

Dishonorable Mentions:

Cameron Diaz - Knight and Day

Julia Roberts – Eat, Pray, Love

Sarah Jessica Parker – Sex and the City 2

Katherine Heigl – Killers

Jennifer Aniston – The Bounty Hunter

Worst Performance By An Actor: Brendan Fraser – Extraordinary Measures

Dishonorable Mentions:

Gerard Butler – The Bounty Hunter

Benicio Del Toro – The Wolfman

Aaron Johnson – Chatroom

Ashton Kutcher – Valentine’s Day

Chris Messina – Devil

Worst Performance By A Supporting Actress: Uma Thurman – Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief

Dishonorable Mentions:

Jamie Winstone – Boogie Woogie

Taylor Swift – Valentine’s Day

Heather Graham – Boogie Woogie

Jessica Alba – Machete

Brittany Daniel – Skyline

Worst Performance By A Supporting Actor: Sam Neill – Daybreakers

Dishonorable Mentions:

Steven R. MacQueen – Piranha 3D

Aasif Mandvi – The Last Airbender

Jackson Rathbone – The Last Airbender

Jackson Rathbone - Twilight: Eclipse

Tom Selleck – Killers

Worst Individual Voice Work: Jim Sturgess – Legends of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole

Worst Voice Cast / Direction – Despicable Me

There are a lot of terrific actors in this movie, and Steve Carell’s work is so perfect I feel like giving everyone else a break, but in general the jokes are either hammed up or allowed to die (I’m looking at you, Russell Brand), and the cutesiness is way overplayed. It’s what stops the movie from being truly satisfying. A pity.

Worst Cameo – Eli Roth – Piranha 3D

Least Likeable Cast: The Switch

Again, a lot of terrific actors, some of whom are SoC faves, but in something this unpleasant and badly conceived, no one stands a chance. We just wanted every character in the film to fall into a threshing machine. Not a good thing to have in a romcom.

Most Incomprehensible Cast: The Expendables

Just for Stallone alone, but poor Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren — neither of whom are the best speakers of English — complicate matters further. Jason Statham and Mickey Rourke are mumblers at the best of the time too. I’m still not 100% sure what the movie was really about.

Breakthrough Performance by an Actress: Jennifer Lawrence - Winter’s Bone

Breakthrough Performance by an Actor: Patrick Fabian – The Last Exorcism

“Where Have You Been?” Actor of the Year: Michael Keaton – The Other Guys / Toy Story 3

Scenestealer of the Year: Craig Robinson – Hot Tub Time Machine

Most Entertaining Performance in a Terrible Movie: Pierce Brosnan – Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief

Most Wasted Actor: Kim Coates - Resident Evil: Afterlife

Best Accent: Kim Cattrall – The Ghost Writer

Worst Accent: Jake Gyllenhaal - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Best Performance By Hott Sam Rockwell: Iron Man 2

Best Replacement For Another Actor Who Was Controversially Removed From A Franchise: Don Cheadle - Iron Man 2

Best Replacement For Another Actor Who Left A Potential Franchise To Star In A Shitty Mr. & Mrs. Smith-Esque Disaster: Angelina Jolie – Salt

Best Performance From An Actress Brought In To Replace A Less Famous Actress And Then Asked To Do Almost Nothing Challenging Because The Entire Franchise Is Just Awful, Let’s Face It, But Still, She Was Good, As She Always Is: Bryce Dallas Howard – Twilight: Eclipse

Best Performance From One Of Those Rapsters That The Kids Like These Days: Sean “P. Diddy” Combs – Get Him To The Greek

Hammiest Performance By Michael Sheen: Tron: Legacy

Soon to come: crew contributions of the year, featuring my completely not surprising Best Director pick.

Listmania ‘10! The Worst Movies Of The Year

With the miserable regularity of the Grinch’s alarm clock, my deafening hoots of praise give way to similarly loud hoots of derision, aimed at the lowest of the low. This inevitable post also sees the return of my usual hand-wringing, as I try to mitigate the fact that I’m bitching about a bunch of movies like some know-it-all while talented (and, I have to say, not so talented) people actually CREATE something, just to see it pilloried by some schmuck blogger. How rude of me! How arrogant! And yet here we are. Because I really felt the urge to bitch about a bunch of crappy Jennifer Aniston movies. Again.

Film critic Anne Billson was talking yesterday about the polarisation of popular opinion into either rabid fandom or frothing hate, with comment sections on many pages turning into a bear-fight between these diametrically opposed viewpoints. I have to admit this gave me pause: here I am writing about 30 movies I loved and 30 movies I thought were just appalling. If the impression I give is of someone who can only see things in black or white, bear in mind the 50-odd movies that didn’t get on either of these lists. Take The Book of Eli, for example. It doesn’t get on either list as I thought it was merely all right. If I were to list all of the movies I saw this year in order of preference, it would be squarely in the middle. It didn’t get higher because of that bone-headed twist at the end. It didn’t get any lower because I really liked a lot of the cast and the Hughes Brothers made it look nice. (Actually, it’s either that or Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, which was neither here nor there, really.)

As for these movies, it’s not black and white here either. My number one movie featured some of the most incredible production design of the year, and the generally rather amazing effects had a lovely texture to them. My number 25 movie made me laugh at it in derision, but when the dancing started I shut the hell up with a quickness, as pointed out by Daisyhellcakes. Same as with my previous list. Black Swan‘s success was not due to the screenplay, which I thought was certainly good enough, but included some clunky lines pushing the subtext into the open where it quickly withered and died. This meant little, though. It was only the odd moment, and it was easy to forget as Aronofsky weaved his amazing spell with the writers’ clever manipulation of ambiguity.

So here is my anger. I tried to at least give a rounded reason for my dislike: there are any number of shittily constructed films made each year, but there usually needs to be something more than just cynically dashed-off pandering at play. Okay! I’ll stop trying to cover my arse now.

25. Step Up 3D

It seems like an act of wanton cruelty to include something as childishly good-natured as this in the list, but note has to be made of the ineptitude of the filmmaking. Newly enrolled in university to study electrical engineering, Step Up 2‘s Moose is torn between his parent’s desire for him to forget about all of this silly dancing, and his irresistible urge to pop and lock and jive and krump or whatever its called. If he doesn’t give in to his urges, square-jawed Luke’s dance-utopia The House of Pirates (which is almost identical to Hansel’s loft in Zoolander) will be taken over by evil trust-fund asshole Julian. Oh noes! Moose’s dilemma is presented several times in identical ways (Do I attend this exam? Or the World Jam contest scheduled at the most conveniently inconvenient time possible?), to no suspense whatsoever. This is only the smallest of Step Up 3‘s flaws (the fact that 65% of the movie is made up of elaborate handshakes is another). Still, at least the dancing is AMAZEBALLS, though even then the choreographers are restricted by the need to advance the dancers into the 3D cameras as often as possible just to show iof the revolutionary technology ZOMG. I still recommend it for its good-timey atmosphere, thrilling soundtrack and mad skillz. (Seriously.)

24. Remember Me

It might think of itself as a spiritual successor to Erich Segal’s Love Story, but it feels more like an opportunistic remake of Untamed Heart, but without Christian Slater and Marisa Tomei’s spark and charisma. The story of a depressed and unpredictable young rich boy and the poor daughter of a bereaved cop sporadically hints at something more interesting: Allen Coulter wisely keeps things dour and unironic, restricting his palette to somber greys and making sure only one deeply obnoxious character ever really acts like he has a pulse. Unfortunately the casting of teen heartthrob (and co-producer) R-Pattz opposite Emilie De Ravin (sans Aaron the BAY-BAY!!!) scuppers the love story: Pattinson’s chemistry with his female lead is only slightly more convincing than with his Twilight co-star Kristin Stewart, which isn’t saying much. None of this matters, though. The offensively stupid ending wrecks everything, coming from nowhere in a futile effort to create something profound from the inconsequential goings-on, but as That Plot Twist could have been replaced by any other tragic event without changing a thing about the movie, its inclusion smacks of tasteless emotional manipulation.

23. Micmacs

The latest from Jean-Pierre Jeunet stands as the prettiest movie that made my hackles rise this year. This curious mash-up of simplistic anti-Bad-Things proselytising and cutesy slapstick has many things to commend it, not least the stunning photography, the delightful production design, the elaborate Rube-Goldberg setpieces. Even the weird tonal mismatch that sees a bunch of DELIGHTFUL eccentrics conspiring against two beastly arms dealers is interesting, though it veers close to the edge of trivialising a serious subject. Nevertheless, personal bias intrudes. As with Wes Anderson — a filmmaker with his share of detractors — Jeunet’s style can overwhelm all other praise if you’re not onboard with his sub-Chaplin shtick. It’s a delight to look at, but if you’re in any way immune to the trick of having a bunch of simpering ninnies endlessly grinning at the camera while accordion music coats the whimsical proceedings with an unnecessary extra layer of treacle, this is not the movie for you. The jokes are almost all unforgivably bad, too. Consider this not necessarily “terrible”: more “unbearable if you have a low tolerance for twee things”.

22. Biutiful

Why is this movie — a critically acclaimed project from an award-winning director, dealing with weighty themes like poverty and death and redemption and sorrow, filmed with great skill by a talented photographer and featuring some of the best sound work of the year — at number 22 on this list? Solely because of Javier Bardem’s towering performance as Uxbal, a man tortured to almost comical lengths by the unseen hands of misery-pornographer Alejandro González Iñárritu. If it wasn’t for Bardem, this movie would be in the top five. Smearing nasty-smelling mud on your face might be advertised as being good for your skin, but it’s still stinky, nasty mud that takes ages to wash off. Biutiful is the same thing: a worthy (God I hate worthy movies) attempt to give audiences a first-person view of what poverty is. Except it isn’t really. It’s just a weirdly sadistic attempt to degrade a character just for the sake of it. The texture of the movie, the technical achievement, and Bardem’s stunning emotive work are all commendable, but this is nothing more than fibre for your brain’s bowels, with no intellectual-nutritional value added.

21. Devil

Some of us have taken to laughing at poor M. Night Shyamalan, mostly because no one likes a cocky jerk who loves to position himself as the greatest storyteller on the planet (even going so far as to cast himself as such in a particularly misguided movie), but it has to be said, even when the tales he tells are nowhere near as clever as he thinks they are, his attention to pace and composition — not to mention his use of silence — make his films worth catching. Devil shows this disparity between bone-headedness and base-line competence brilliantly. Conceived as the first Night Chronicle, Devil sees one of M. Night’s sub-Twilight-Zone scribblings fleshed out to almost feature length, taking a passable twist and surrounding it with histrionic performances and PG-13-friendly hints at nastiness. It could have been a lot of fun, as proved by its spiritual ancestor Phone Booth, especially as some smart people worked on it. Unfortunately this falls far, far short of its potential.

20. Clash of the Titans

It’s tempting to say that one day someone will make a good movie out of the entertaining core idea that mortals would rebel against the Gods, but for all we know, Louis Leterrier did make a good movie before it was edited down into this incoherent and contradictory mess. This Chud report on the original script lays bare the form the original version would have taken, and it seems like it could have been better. It would at least make sense, correct the madness that is the “romantic” sub-plot between Perseus and Io, and give Danny Huston some proper screentime as Poseidon: a fairly important change, seeing as how he gets namechecked in the pre-credit narration but only appears in the movie for three seconds. Sidelining the Gods in favour of choppily-edited quest gubbins with a cadre of unappealing and underwritten humans is a movie-killing disaster, and only a couple of bravura effects sequences lift this Olympian failure out of the mire of its own making.

19. The Last Airbender

This soporific adaptation of the beloved US anime-homage makes last year’s execrable Dragonball Evolution look like Zu Warriors of the Magic Mountain. For all his faults, Shyamalan is an expert at telling stories at a crawl: it’s one of the reasons why it’s hard to discount him as a filmmaker even as he makes one bad movie after another. However, handing him an entire TV season’s worth of story to boil down to a single movie was a dreadful mistake that cannot be fixed. It feels like days pass while badly sketched and poorly performed characters impart stilted exposition in an attempt to fill up the plot chasms that litter the narrative, though that is preferable to the numerous endless scenes in which a bunch of kids practise tai chi in front of a green screen. The leaden pace continues through the sporadic action, presented mostly in long slow-motion takes that lack the energy necessary to differentiate them from the rest of the movie. When it finally ends, the viewer can only thank the Gods that the studio would never have released anything that ran longer than this.

18. Jonah Hex

Josh Brolin is slowly becoming Old Dependable. He was the best thing about Oliver Stone’s woeful W and significantly better Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, and single-handedly keeps DC’s cobbled-together Western fantasy from being worse than Wild Wild West, though it’s a close call. He also seems to be the only person with a handle on what the character is meant to be, as writers Neveldine/Taylor and director Jimmy Hayward seem to think he has magical powers. Putting nerd-preciousness about this odd choice aside, blame should be pointed at whoever got cold feet midway through the making of this obviously unmarketable curio and went into a major panic in the editing room, because what ended up onscreen should never have been released. A hollow frame of a potentially more enjoyable movie, Jonah Hex becomes less and less bearable as it trudges toward an incoherent finale that screams reshoot.

17. Sex and the City 2

Michael Patrick King’s hedonistic fantasy is as unhinged as any David Lynch nightmare, portraying a baffling world of noise and colour filled with ghastly caricatures. Argument has raged about whether the movie is as insensitive as it initially seems, treating religion and gender issues as unwelcome distractions from the all-important act of converting the entire world into an vast mall for the benefit of the improbably wealthy. Criticism of the characters — now unrecognisable when compared to the versions in the TV series — has also raised hackles: to pass judgement on these almost comically self-absorbed monsters is to somehow pass judgement on all women everywhere, though it’s worth pointing out that this group of anti-empathic wire-frame maquettes masquerading as humans don’t even seem to be enjoying their profligate lifestyle any more than we are when watching, so emulation might not be such a good idea. So how about this, SotC2 defenders. Can I just hate the movie for being poorly told, ineptly shot, incomprehensibly edited, unfunny, dull, and a waste of Chris Noth? Please? Can I?

16. Twilight: Eclipse

The startlingly poor quality of the Twilight franchise has been almost forgivable thus far due to the unreliable nature of the directors: Catherine Hardwicke and Chris Weitz are hardly visionary filmmakers, and can only be blamed so much for failing to create life from such barren narrative ground. This time there was no excuse. David Slade’s previous movies – Hard Candy and 40 Days of Night – showed promise, but somehow he turned in the most tedious Twilight movie so far: some achievement. Then again, what could he do? Original author Stephenie Meyer and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg seem to think it’s perfectly acceptable to break every rule of storytelling by barely even progressing the narrative forward. At the start of this interminable torture device the main characters are dealing with Edward’s proposal of marriage to Bella, and in the final scene they have returned to that starting point with almost nothing changed. A few minutes of vampire-on-vampire fight action and lots of chest-baring from poor Taylor Lautner do not count as a story. A truly unforgivable waste of time.

15. The Expendables

Sylvester Stallone’s horrid action epic could well be the misfire of the year, seemingly going out of its way to alienate the exact audience it seemed to be pandering to. How can you attract an action-movie cast of such perfection and then give them nothing interesting to do? How can you take the idea of a band of badass mammajammas going on a berserk killing spree to save a single damsel in distress from an entire army of ne’er-do-wells — headed up by ERIC ROBERTS for God’s sake – and make it so bland? How do you cast Shades of Caruso favourite Terry “President Dwayne Camacho” Crews and render him practically mute? The politics are marginally less unpleasant than Stallone’s last Rambo movie, and the action antics are arguably crazier, but even though this is meant to be more of a romp than Rambo – with its insane melange of rapings, baby-killings and pedophilia punished by lots and lots and lots of righteous American gunfire – it still manages to be far less fun. Of all the disappointments we had this year, this might be the most profound (which is more than can be said for the film. EY-YOOOO!).

14. Essential Killing

Hey, if you can’t stand to hear Vincent Gallo talk in his weird nasal voice about how much he hates black people or about how much his semen is worth because he’s a superior being, this is the movie for you! Reduced by filmmaker Jerzy Skolimowski into a mute figure struggling to get from one point to an indeterminate other over hills and trees and snow and more hills, Gallo manages to be the only interesting thing going on, his face a tornado of bewildered terror hidden behind an impressive Rasputin beard. Nothing else is happening here. Using a Taleban “soldier” as a protagonist might seem shocking, but as seen in the wake of Chris Morris’ excellent and empathic Four Lions, Skolimowski’s movie seems more like an act of defiant but empty provocation, the adolescent behaviour of someone who would probably think scrawling “BOOB SEX” on a church wall is the height of inflammatory protest. Uninteresting even as a survival tale, the meaning of the movie seems to be that there is no meaning, but this is a message that has been delivered many times before in far more affecting and profound ways.

13. The Bounty Hunter

One of the many dreadful things about this mechanical romactioncom is that someone, somewhere, watched Midnight Run and thought, “You know what would make this movie better? If Jack Walsh and Jonathan Mardukas were actually IN LOVE!” Though that’s better than the other inspiration: the thought that everyone will love to see a burly, malformed man dragging his recalcitrant shrew wife around like the pissy cavegirl she really is. Respect is due director Andy Tennant for making this wholly unappealing set-up much less disturbing than it could have been. Nevertheless, the entire misguided project deserves censure for playing to the demographic that thinks women need to be tamed by their hubby, and no amount of strong-headed behaviour from Jennifer Aniston is going to soften that message, especially when she pitches that behaviour as “bossy” instead — modulation of tone is not her strong suit, though admittedly she’s a hell of a lot more watchable than Gerard Butler. Compared to this farrago, even Killers – directed by no less than Shades of Caruso bête noire Robert Luketic — seems like a diverting romp. Still, at least Jason Sudeikis is funny here.

12. Piranha 3D

When making an exploitation flick it can be hard to make gratuitous sex and violence entertaining without crossing over into sleaziness, but it’s not impossible. Joe Dante’s original Piranha movie did a great job of staying classy even while catering to the baser instincts of the audience. Alexandre Aja’s miserable B-movie homage has neither class nor smarts, but it does have boobs and blood. Hilariously its main villain is a Joe-Francis-esque scumbag (a well-cast but inept Jerry O’Connell) who is punished for exploiting women by having his cock bitten off by a prehistoric carnivore. What dire fate awaits the filmmakers for also punishing almost every scantily clad woman in the film with grisly and explicitly gory death while the male characters are mostly killed off screen? The unapologetic fratboy misogyny is breathtaking, and calling it “ironic” when there is no evidence of that beggars belief. Shades of Caruso can enjoy a schlocky horror comedy as much as the next blog, but it actually has to contain a scintilla of entertainment value. This doesn’t. The critical free-pass it got for its humour (?!?!?!) is 2010′s most inexplicable event.

11. Valentine’s Day

According to Box Office Mojo, Garry Marshall’s criss-crossing rom-”com” made over $213m dollars worldwide. If you average out ticket prices at $10 each, that means approximately 21 million people developed diabetes in February this year. The DVDs for this (don’t bother with Blu-Ray, it won’t tax your TV) should come with a syringe and insulin, just in case. Coming off like Paul Haggis’ Crash as directed by Tommy Wiseau, this multi-strand ode to love seems to have been sponsored by the Valentine’s Day Corporation, considering how often the name of the day is invoked (it averages once every two minutes). It’s deliberately heightened and old-fashioned: heightened in that no one acts like a human being and old-fashioned because there is nothing here you haven’t seen before, except maybe Eric Dane’s sub-plot. It’s also unfeasibly twee, almost odiously so. The only fun to be had is to embrace the bewildering inclusion of Anne Hathaway’s character earning extra bucks as a phone-sex operative. Was this a homage to Jennifer Jason Leigh’s plot in Short Cuts? Would this mean her boyfriend Topher Grace would kill someone? Can I get away with referring to this movie as Shit Cuts?

10. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief

Last year I asked if anyone could stop Chris Columbus making movies. I ask it again in 2010, but with greater urgency. The success of the Harry Potter book and film franchise makes it inevitable that others would seek to profit by something similar, but who would have guessed that Rick Riordan’s book series would be turned into a movie with Philosopher’s Stone director Columbus at the helm? Saying he phoned this one in is the understatement of the decade, but let’s give him his due: it would take someone with actual talent to breathe life into a screenplay this lazily derivative. The cynicism of the enterprise is matched only by its gallumphing appropriation of another country’s mythology, cynically stealing the Gods and monsters of Ancient Greece and “sassily” translating them into forms deemed appropriate for modern American audiences: Medusa comes out especially poorly, thanks to another excruciating performance from Uma Thurman. Still, at least it has Pierce Brosnan’s hysterical turn as a seemingly inebriated centaur to recommend it, for all the wrong reasons.

9. Chatroom

When Aaron “All Bloggers Are Idiots” Sorkin has made a more nuanced and sympathetic exploration of the Internet’s impact on today’s youth than you have, alarm bells should be ringing. Watching Hideo Nakata and Enda Walsh’s intellectually vacant psycho-drama is one of the more depressing experiences of the movie-going year, and not just because Nakata doesn’t get to use his incredible ability to create an atmosphere of choking dread. Chatroom‘s biggest crime is to dramatise — without any perceivable irony or counter-commentary — the kind of alarmist drivel spouted by the Luddite know-nothings infesting the pages of the Daily Mail. The Internet and the online society of chatroom denizens is depicted as a garish tumult of porn, inconsequentiality and lurking evil, with kids at the mercy of deranged predators who attempt to drive them to suicide. The Mail’s panic is ripe for adaptation, discussion and/or satire, but Chatroom merely re-enforces the fear. As Shades of Caruso was borne of a fortuitous online meeting, we’re bound to be less forgiving, especially when this movie is so poorly conceived, staged and acted.

8. Extraordinary Measures

CBS Films launched with this heavily-promoted true-story drama about a father’s fight for his children against the heartless medical establishment, and followed it up with insemination comedy The Back-Up Plan, which could count as the least auspicious launch of a production company since Hollywood Pictures released a roster of non-hits like Taking Care of Business and V.I. Warshawski. Produced by Harrison Ford in a rare burst of energy, this muddled TV movie-writ-not-much-larger — a Lorenzo’s Fail for our time — focuses on the father’s drearily-sketched battle against bureaucracy (yay!) and the scientific method (ya… whuh?) while sidelining the scientist who did all the actual research, a man who is dismissed as an “eccentric” but “lovable” curmudgeon, with his weirdness depicted as a bit of tetchiness (“I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!!!”) and a tendency to listen to The Band a little too loudly. Someone lock this maverick up before he hurts someone! Only a movie as anodyne as this could consider this the behaviour of an outsider. Ford escapes censure on old-school charisma alone: Brendan Fraser is not so lucky.

7. Knight and Day

When people accuse Hollywood of only making bland films with the edges shaved off, they forget that sometimes something perverse ends up on screen. How else to describe a movie where a woman ends up stalked, persecuted, Roofied, and abducted by what appears to be an elderly psychopath with a bad dye-job who at one point shoots her boyfriend. Perhaps the bad thing about this potentially subversive masterpiece is that it is actually meant to be a light-hearted spy romp with a bit of action for the boys, a bit of romance for the girls, and a bit of Rohypnol-assisted kidnap action for the serial killers. Therefore, the effect is a troubling disconnect between the tone and the onscreen events, such that you wonder who the hell thought it was a good idea to make it. James Mangold is usually fairly reliable, but nothing here works. No joke lands, no spark flies between its robotic leads, and no tension is generated. Even worse, the poorly utilised action scenes and shitty FX sequences are edited into an image-scramble that only tie your optic nerves into a knot. It stands as a catastrophic failure on every possible level.

6. It’s Kind of a Funny Story

Since writing this review of It’s Kind of a Funny Story — the tale of a young boy with suicidal tendencies who ends up in a mental institution alongside adults with mental health problems – I’ve been told by people who experienced similar problems during adolescence that Ryan Fleck and Anna Boden did a good job of capturing what it feels like to suffer depression as a teen. I bow to their better knowledge of this, and accept that the filmmakers have done their research. Sadly that doesn’t mean that their pandering filmmaking is any more tolerable, or their cutesy take on the mental illness of the older characters — who are depicted mostly as preternaturally wise due to their innocent wide-eyed view of life — is excusable. So many poor decisions have been made here that it is hard to catalogue them all, though the waste of a great cast is possibly the worst crime, with the exception of the magnificent Zach Galafianakis. Despite his considerable efforts, this is One Flew Over The Neutered Cuckoo’s Nest, hermetically sealed in pink-tinged plastic to make sure nothing even vaguely troubling leaks out.

5. The Switch

Some movies fail when they don’t achieve what they set out to do, others when they were misconceived in the first place. The Switch should now be considered the archetypal example of the second kind of bad movie. Taking a short story by Jeffrey Eugenides as its starting point, this non-comedy non-drama sits flatly on the screen, with formerly likeable performers moving from one position to another, honking noises at each other that pass as communication. If that description lacks detail, it’s because the movie lacks definition too. The synopsis states that Jason Bateman’s emotional cripple substitutes Handsome-But-Horrid Patrick Wilson’s semen for his own, which is then used by Jennifer Aniston to create a mini-Bateman who is just as unpleasant as his father. Hijinks resolutely refuse to ensue. The entire enterprise misses so many of its expected marks that it becomes a completely mystifying experience. It’s so anti-funny — while bearing all of the markings and pace of a comedy — that it almost becomes a curio worthy of recommendation. If you’re watching movies on a regular basis, The Switch should be essential viewing, much like it’s essential to see the world’s biggest ball of twine when travelling through Missouri. However this doesn’t make it any less terrible and depressing.

4. Cop Out

Kevin Smith has a skill worth celebrating: he can throw together rambling jumbles of perfunctory plot and scatalogical dialogue in such an endearing way that – with his best movies — the shaky direction cannot prevent audience goodwill from forming. So why oh why oh why would he volunteer to direct a script by someone else that’s of such amateurish quality? It’s like condensing a negative into a supernegative against all the laws of mathematics. Smith might argue — vehemently, and with ever-growing fury, if you follow him on Twitter — that the movie is a homage to the buddy cop movies of the 80s and 90s, but putting a faux-Faltermeyer soundtrack over the leaden action and ill-timed comedy is not enough. The majority of the movie is tough to watch, with Bruce Willis’ nap being continually interrupted by Tracy Morgan’s incessant shrieking, but things get worse with a mechanical and unconvincing shift into dramatic territory in the final act. The killing blow is Smith’s decision to edit the movie: it’s such a shoddy job that the studio should have wrested it from Smith’s hands and finished it themselves. Let’s hope Smith’s next movie – Red State — is better than this. Or at least competently made.

3. Eat, Pray, Love

Perhaps not the best movie to appear during these times of cutbacks and sacrifice. There’s an argument that movies like this are a nice way to escape reality, but perhaps only if there is an element of genuine humility present, some sense that the subject of the movie is aware of their good fortune. Instead, Ryan “Glee” Murphy’s vacuous travelogue presents the trivial concerns of a privileged narcissist as worthy of pity and emulation, even going so far as to remove mention of Elizabeth Gilbert’s fortuitous book deal – which funded her trips around the world – and act as if she was broke the whole time, thus turning her adventure into some kind of indulgent fairytale populated by caricatured foreigners and airbrushed poverty. With this and Sex and the City 2 it’s possible there is a terrible disconnect forming as Hollywood realises it is wrong to assume that the only way to relate to women is to celebrate conspicuous consumption, and so tries to dress up the lifestyle-porn with spiritual and political frills, but at its heart, it remains cynical, patronising, and empty. It makes Somewhere – Sofia Coppola’s similarly troublesome snapshot of the woes of the rich and lazy — look like 8 ½. Avoid as if t’were plague-ridden.

2. Resident Evil: Afterlife

The AV Club ends every year with a Least Essential Album list, where the writers pick over the kind of records you might find it hard to imagine could possibly exist. This year Paul W.S. Anderson – now officially the British incarnation of Dr. Uwe Boll – made the least essential film. Did we really need another 90 minutes of Milla “Frown” Jovovich firing two guns in slow motion at poorly made-up zombies? What story was told here? The opening fifteen minutes retcon the third movie out of existence (especially egregious as Russell Mulcahy’s attempt at breathing life into the franchise was the only halfway decent Resident Evil movie to date), and then we plod through a siege plot we’ve seen countless times before, without bringing anything fresh to the scenario. Anderson is quite simply the worst storyteller on the planet, someone who has no idea of how the mechanics of a plot are meant to work, or how to play with narrative expectations to create new forms or even entertainment on the most basic level. He can only steal from better movies, and then corrupt those ideas by using them without understanding why they worked in the first place. He seems pleased with this low-effort plagiarism, but that’s no reason to let him off the hook.

1. Alice in Wonderland

Was Hook not a lesson to us all not to tamper with works of wonder? Tim Burton’s mystifyingly successful re-imagining of Lewis Carroll’s Alice stories does many things wrong even just on a surface level: that tedious Danny Elfman score; the weird obsession with violence against eyes; the torpor that infects everyone as they stand stiffly in front of green screens; the lazy cribbing from the Lord of the Rings films; introducing the amazing Mia Wazikowska to a wider audience with such an unchallenging role, etc. Most egregious, though, is the decision to treat the original stories as prequel to a standard Chosen-One-against-the-Evil-Empire fantasy plot that ran out of juice years ago. All Burton can bring to this overused plot is the heinous reappropriation of Carroll’s characters, hacking at their personalities so that they fit into slots in the mechanical narrative machine, with the Mad Hatter as Morpheus, the Caterpillar as the Oracle, and the Jabberwocky as Agent Smith. Alice in Wonderland (and no, NOT Underland) would be on this list already for the lack of effort expended, but this feeble, energy-sapping exercise in monetising the magical earns my eternal hate for corrupting books of true poetry and mind-expanding eccentricity, debasing Carroll’s delightful imaginative flourishes by transforming them into base elements in a rote plot. It’s a cause for concern that this flaccid monstrosity will fool new readers into mistaking Carroll’s fantasy for a mere forerunner to this “spectacular” “epic”, but hopefully new readers will still derive pleasure and insight into Carroll’s wondrous imagination, and forget that Tim Burton and Disney ever embarked on this unforgivable act of mindless cultural vandalism.

Dishonorable Mentions:

Boogie Woogie: A movie about art that is thoroughly artless. Duncan Ward and Danny Moynihan’s art-world satire is hideously ugly and only sporadically amusing, with the acting split between very entertaining and thoroughly dreadful. Farce should be lively, but the only thing with any energy here is the devilish laugh of the ever-wonderful Danny Huston. Sadly it merely echoes off the barren walls of the cavernous warehouse sets.

The Infidel: Ostensibly an irreverent take on Middle-Eastern identity politics played out in culturally diverse London, David Baddiel’s script and Josh Appapignesi’s 80′s-esque direction instead smacks of toothless sitcom laziness, relying on the usual jokes about Jewish culture and the inevitable frisson of the sight of an Iranian in a yarmulke. Not as daring as it thinks it is. Or as funny. Omid Djalili gives it his all, though.

Gentleman Broncos: Released in the US last year, this latest curio from Jared and Jerusha Hess features their signature blend of idiot-mocking and more idiot-mocking, this time with a touch of sci-fi fan-mocking. Treading similarly mean-spirited ground as their breakout hit Napoleon Dynamite, Broncos at least has a funny turn from Jermaine Clement, and some defiantly crazed work from SoC heartthrob Hott Sam Rockwell.

Killers: A Robert Luketic movie that didn’t make my bottom 25? Can it be? Well, yes, but with caveats. Perhaps this would have been a contender were it not for Knight and Day resetting the bar so low, but even so, this has more life than anything else by SoC’s least favourite director. Which doesn’t mean it’s not terrible. The Demon Heigl is her usual unlikeable self, but somehow Tom Selleck sucked too! Bah!

The Wolfman: After years of wrangles with directors and script rewrites, Joe Johnston finally brought Universal’s lycanthrope to the big screen with some truly beautiful photography, production design and effects, but absolutely zero emotional charge. Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins sleepwalk through the disappointing carnage while superstar Emily Blunt does all the heavy work. As usual.

Soon to come: performances and crew contributions of the year, and my desperate attempt not to give almost every bit of praise to just one movie.

Listmania ‘10! The Best Movies Of The Year

A last mad dash to the end of the year, watching as many movies as I can, and I still don’t catch everything I wanted to see. It’s always the way, and I don’t see any other way to beat it other than to become independently wealthy and watch everything the day it is released. As a result, consider this list incomplete for 2010. How can it be complete if I haven’t see True Grit, which promises to be great, or The Fighter, which promises to be gritty and/or great, or Burlesque, which promises to be not as great and therefore potentially eligible for the worst movies list that will follow this?

Another caveat for new readers of the blog, some of whom I have met this year via Twitter, and include some people whose views on cinema I have come to respect and trust. If you don’t know me well either in the real world or via the internet, you might not yet realise just how heavily my tastes skew towards populist cinema. It has been my preference for many years now, and even in this fallow year for big-budget, wide-appeal movies, I’ve still managed to find a lot that to enjoy. The list will also feature a lot of American movies, which is more to do with the amount of US product released. That’s not to say I haven’t seen some fine movies from around the world. It’s just that they didn’t move me enough for inclusion here.

As you can see, I’m riven with worry that my tastes will be considered gauche, but I really shouldn’t. After all, taste is dependent on your criteria for the success of an artistic endeavour, and with films this is merely that a film do what it sets out to do, doesn’t take the audience for a fool, and shows some evidence that the filmmakers have an ability to make their movies work on both the micro and macro-scale: are they aware of how each scene — either well-crafted or fudged — fits in with the whole? Get something basic like that right and I’m going to be a lot nicer to your movie. The bad movies list is littered with movies that could have been fixed in the editing room: it’s a simple thing to get at least slightly right but too many filmmakers don’t even know how to do it properly. As for my taste, I’ve come to expect that my unending and vocal support for despised “failures” like Hudson Hawk (never forget!!!) and Speed Racer has burned my cred already.

Right. Caveats over. Let’s list this mammajamma.

25. [Rec]2

Would it have been possible for Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza to top their original zombie horror classic? For those of us who are still waking in the middle of the night with the memory of those terrifying final moments, it seems impossible. [Rec]2 might not feature anything that horrific, but its writer/directors are smart enough to take a step sideways, jumping off from the end of the original in an Aliens-esque way while skipping back into the timeline and geography of the first film, cleverly sketching new details in the margins. Even better, they flesh out the mythology, revealing that their horror franchise has more in common with The Exorcist than Dawn of the Dead, though this franchise features a badass action Priest, which is none-more-cool. Other than that it’s more of the same, but this is no dismissal. Some of the setpieces here are as breathtakingly staged as in the original: one early scene in a ventilation shaft is a nerve-wracking highlight. Best of all, it’s proves the [Rec]-niverse has legs. The next two movies cannot come soon enough.

24. Reign of Assassins

Chao-Bin Su’s eccentric wuxia romp is apparently co-directed by John Woo, though there is no hint of the master’s unironic hero-worship here. There is only the giddy sense that you’re not going to guess what’s coming next: a rarity these days. At first it seems like Chao-Bin is making a historical martial arts version of Johnny Handsome or The Long Kiss Goodnight, with Michelle Yeoh as the deadly assassin on the run from her past with a new face, but we’re instead treated to a dazzling final act filled with delirious plot twists and hysterical action. Very little else this year has the impact of the reveal of The Wheel King’s demented motivation for chasing the movie’s bizarre MacGuffin (half of a corpse), nor the sight of flaming sword fights, sex assassins and zipping death-needles in the final fights. It is also essential viewing for fans of the amazing Yeoh, who once more excels as the woman who cannot escape those she has wronged. Vibrant, colourful, and unapologetically sentimental and sincere, it’s an irresistible experience.

23. Megamind

It’s been another good year for Dreamworks Animation. How To Train Your Dragon was a delightful, highly detailed and exciting adventure, fully deserving of its success. Shades of Caruso recommends it, but can’t help preferring Megamind. The clever script by Alan J. Schoolcraft and Brent Simons plays with expectation, adding enough variations to a straight-forward premise to surprise audiences: something that eluded the makers of the similar but inferior Despicable Me. Tom McGrath’s direction shines too, getting the most from his starry cast, while raising the stakes impressively in the final act. It’s also a 3D triumph: Metro City (Metrocity?) truly boggles the eyes, those concrete canyons fading off into the distance while the superpowered protagonists battle it out on the vast stage. This might not reach the heights of Kung Fu Panda, or Sony Pictures Animation’s Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, but it’s still an entertaining and surprisingly affecting romp.

22. A Serbian Film

Satire might be the rapier that elegantly stabs at society’s hypocrisies, but apparently blunt-force-trauma porn/horror depictions of unimaginable cruelty can serve as commentary as well. Srđan Spasojević’s unforgettable nightmare vision contains zero cynicism: accusations that A Serbian Film is merely provocative exploitation are entirely false. It’s a bone-rattling scream of horror from the gut, a gauntlet thrown in the face of the Serbian government for turning the populace into puppets without agency, controlled from birth to death by forces beyond their control — here depicted as the almost unwatchable degradation of a family for the sake of meaningless, depraved entertainment. Even the strongest stomach will be turned by the toxic images pouring from the screen, but it’s the honesty and fury of Spasojević’s message that will linger longest, and make this a cause celebre for years to come.

21. Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

The US action movie roster was deeply disappointing this year. With the exception of a handful of films, most of this year was taken up with unconvincing nostalgia (The A-Team, The Expendables), fun but slight comic adaptations (Red, The Losers), or genre crossovers (sci-fi – Repo Men: horror – Daybreakers: romance – Killers). Meanwhile, Reign of Assassins and Tsui Hark’s berserk Detective Dee mystery set the screen alight with crazed invention, whirling movement, and abstract plotting worth a dozen feeble CGI-heavy shoot-outs. Hark’s fictionalised retelling of the tale of 7th-Century courtier Di Renjie is a fantastical concoction, with Dee reimagined as a philosophical man of action, a Zen version of Guy Ritchie and Robert Downey Jr.’s Sherlock Holmes, except that movie didn’t feature Ninja puppeteers, deranged reindeer attacks, spontaneous human combustion and face-altering acupuncture. You never quite know what madness will be thrown at you. While the garbling of the real and controversial historical legacy of Empress Wu is troubling, as a slice of entertainment this ranks with Zu Warriors and The Butterfly Murders as one of Hark’s brightest fantasies.

20. Green Zone

This mixture of Bourne-style intensity and United-93-style reportage failed to find an audience, and frustrating populist compromises within Brian Helgeland’s otherwise ambitious screenplay threaten to scupper the movie at every turn, but it remains a unique venture: an attempt to depict the fraudulent practices of a corrupt government in a politically unstable warzone by hiding the bitter pill inside an action movie. It very nearly succeeds, certainly enough to stir the blood and anger the mind. It’s commendable just for its seriousness of purpose, and the unobtrusive way Greengrass paints infuriating details from Rajiv Chandrasekaran’s non-fiction book into the sides of the frame, but for action fans there is also the rush of Greengrass’ perfectly staged and edited set-pieces, especially the exhausting final chase through Baghdad, a scene made poignant with the knowledge that the disastrous occupation of Iraq was not going to have a happy end. Sad that the filmmakers felt obliged to tag on such a silly coda, but still…

19. Winter’s Bone

Debra Granik’s adaptation of Daniel Woodrell’s novel crosses so many types of genre it’s hard to know where to start. It has the episodic structure of a fairy-tale, the indomitable hero and quest-arc of a detective story, the inhospitable landscape of a survival narrative, and the terrifying antagonists of a Hills-Have-Eyes-style horror movie. Granik’s control of atmosphere is such that the frozen world seems to bleed out of the screen, chilling the blood even before we get to the events depicted. Ree’s search for her no-good father takes her into the dangerous underbelly of her community, with only her menacing uncle to help her. Watching this young woman forced to endanger herself for the sake of her family is agonising, partially through some of the best storytelling of the year, but mostly through career-best performances from John Hawkes and Dale Dickey, and the memorable arrival of Jennifer Lawrence in the mainstream cultural consciousness.

18. Whip It

All hail Drew Barrymore! 2010 saw the release of Going The Distance, which was so far and away the best, most entertaining and most convincing romcom of the year that every other dashed-off failure should hang its head in shame. It also saw the UK release of her directorial debut, the utterly charming coming-of-age roller derby movie Whip It. Barrymore draws out Ellen Page’s most likeable performance yet as a young woman whose tiny rebellion against the small-town mentality of her home and family leads her to an equally tiny — yet momentous — sports career. Our hero’s direction is frenetic and fractured but invigorating, as quick and sharp as the best two-and-a-half-minute punk tune. This celebration of sisterhood is one of the most purely joyous movies about youth made in recent times. Hopefully its fanbase will grow, and its message of unsentimental female solidarity, and celebration of outsider culture, will be passed on and enjoyed for years to come.

17. Iron Man 2

It’s too long. There’s too much talking. There’s not enough action. Whine, whine, whine. Jon Favreau took the things most people seemed to love about the first Iron Man movie – Tony Stark being a smartass in formless scenes that lean heavily on the wisecracks – and multiplied them, turning the increasingly tired template of the summer blockbuster on its head. The box office was great, but no one seemed to be happy with what they got. Pish posh. The talkiness and loose nature of the Iron Man franchise has proved to be its greatest strength. This plays more as a semi-improvised comedy than a set-piece-heavy explosiongasm, a good-time free-for-all that still finds time to test Tony Stark’s character and build the Marvel Universe inbetween the rambling asides and coolly tossed-off non-sequiturs. It’s the most unconventional superhero movie yet: irksome if you’re not onboard but pure joy for the rest of us.

16. Salt

Some movies are just too crazy not to love a little. Kurt Wimmer’s screenplay – in which agent Evelyn Salt may or may not be a sleeper agent intent on destroying Russia, America, the Middle East or the whole world, depending on where you are in the movie – playfully messes with expectations, leaving the audience in a pleasurable state of confusion and doubt as to the motives of any of the main characters. Philip Noyce cranks up the action to levels far beyond those displayed in his Tom Clancy adaptations, throwing out several memorable set-pieces and brilliantly orchestrating the cast into giving broad performances pitched at the appropriate level of heightened emotional truth: some kind of miracle considering the preposterousness of the numerous plot-twists, of which the less said the better. It’s undeniably daft, but by God, it’s exciting.

15. Submarine

Those of us who have watched the career of the amazing Richard Ayoade can rejoice: his feature debut is a triumph of endearing observational comedy, empathic storytelling, and film-nerd fastidiousness. The coming-of-age story of Oliver Holt doesn’t shy away from depicting its hero as an emotionally-stunted klutz, but the masterstroke is making all of his misjudgements seem perfectly logical, magically regressing the audience’s point-of-view back to its own adolescence, when we didn’t realise we hadn’t quite figured out how the world worked. Ayoade extracts impressive performances from his cast, especially newcomers Craig Roberts and Yasmin Paige as the nervous, spiky young couple whose adventures in romance go so believably awry. Nevertheless, the director’s greatest achievement is the magical atmosphere he generates: nostalgic yet modern, bittersweet and utterly charming, even during its darkest moments.

14. Four Lions

Amazing how Chris Morris’ comedy about suicide bombers didn’t generate the torrent of controversy many of us expected: a testament to the movie’s unexpected warmth. Though the four terrorist-wannabes are obviously murderous scum, they’re also human, and the most daring thing about this magnificent farce is to give at least one character — Omar, brilliantly played by Riz Ahmed — a redemptive arc as he attempts to save dopey Waj (a hilarious turn from Kayvan Novak) from eternal damnation. This is also the movie’s greatest strength, depicting fundamentalists as people in all their fumbling, irrational glory. Playing them as nothing more than idiots would have no charge at all. It becomes more than just a film of its time, becomes a film about all of humanity. We’re all fools, all a mixture of good and bad. It’s just unfortunate that a very small minority of us are more likely to blow up others on a mission to pay tribute to an imaginary sky-god or to strike at a society that is not really that much of an enemy.

13. Dogtooth

Arguably the most upsetting horror can come from the exaggeration of normal behaviour, as displayed in Yorgos Lanthimos’ dark extrapolation of how they fuck you up, your mom and dad. A depraved couple conspire to keep their children captive within the grounds of their home, feeding them false information about the world from birth. Treated like dogs, the children — now post-adolescent adults — have a completely alien idea of what the world is: planes are toys, cats are deadly monsters, and venturing outside the compound before they lose their ‘dogtooth’ will end in disaster. Nevertheless, with adulthood comes an increased urge to escape, even without knowing what that entails. Lanthimos’ matter-of-fact direction is the perfect counterpoint to the disturbing subject matter, impassively charting the slowly-unravelling experiment. Who needs human centipedes when you have parents like this? It’s an unsettling tale – The Truman Show without the hope and uplift.

12. Meek’s Cutoff

Who would have thought that the writer and director of something as soporific as Old Joy could create something as charged with suspense as this? That’s unusual enough, but Kelly Reichardt’s masterstroke is doing that without changing her signature style in any way. Her retelling of the true story of Meek Cutoff — in which a group of settlers of the “Wild West” are pushed off course by a potentially unreliable frontiersman guide — is deceptively simple. Under the surface are tensions that inevitably spill out as water dwindles and Meek’s instructions become less certain. The introduction of a new element — a Native American who wanders too close to the group — sets the movie spinning off in a different, and even more fascinating, direction. Reichardt’s superb handling of the group dynamic and the allegorical dimensions of this survival tale is aided by notable work from sound designer Leslie Shatz, weaving a hypnotic soundtrack using nothing more than the wind, the sound of shuffling feet, and the creak of a wheel. It’s an exhausting journey, but a riveting one.

11. Agora

Alejandro Amenábar’s ambitious, big-budget biopic of philosopher Hypatia – The Passion of the Christ for atheists – struggled to find distributors around the world, was dumped into cinemas with barely any publicity, and was criticised by Catholic groups in Spain for defaming Christianity: the polar opposite of Mel Gibson’s berserk Passion Play. Who knows why audiences didn’t connect with this tragic epic: it has the requisite visual wow-factor, moves at a clip, and is easily accessible. Perhaps no one wants to be reminded of the ancient — and modern — punishment and subjugation of women by vicious misogynists whose pitiful moral shortcomings and weak-minded thuggery lead to acts of barbarous evil. Rachel Weisz’s towering performance breaks the heart, bringing to life a great thinker whose fate is decided for her by infantile monsters: a loss to the world more profound than the library she tries to save. It should be required viewing for anyone who supports reason over superstition.

10. Easy A

Much like Drew Barrymore’s Whip It, Will Gluck’s teen comedy was greeted with a shrug. It’s a crying shame: movies this clever and witty don’t come along every day. Taking Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Scarlet Letter as an inspiration, rather than a template, Easy A treats serious subjects — sexual awakening, female empowerment, the negative effect of socially accepted and enforced codes of morality, etc. — with a lightness of touch that seems ever more rare in these fractious times, remaining good-natured and silly while driving home a welcome message: mind your own business, and I’ll mind mine. However, the sparkling wit and referential games would mean nothing without a solid central performance, and Emma Stone delivers a star-making turn. Her charm and comedic skill are the elements that push this movie from good to great, and ensure that time will be generous to this underrated gem. It’s the best movie of its kind since Clueless: the proselytising campaign to see it get its due starts here.

9. Greenberg

Noah Baumbach’s character study of an odious, self-involved shit-head who uses everyone around him and sabotages himself tests that well-known writer’s maxim — that protagonists don’t need to be likeable for you to root for their success — to the point of destruction and beyond. Ben Stiller delivers one of the finest performances of the year as the title character, cast adrift in a city he hates, surrounded by people he cannot emotionally connect with, and consistently making the wrong choices. It’s a testament to Stiller and screenwriters Baumbach and Jennifer Jason Leigh that you find yourself rooting for this douchenozzle, hoping that he will somehow figure out that he is the problem, and make some effort to rectify this. The movie succeeds admirably, regularly positioning him on a precipice of universally recognisable social failure, his empathic blindness exaggerated to unbearable levels — if this creep can find a sort of redemption, there’s hope for all of us. Kudos too for bringing the amazing Greta Gerwig to wider attention: her work as Florence Marr is one of the highlights of the movie year.

8. The Social Network

Aaron Sorkin’s voice is so distinct that no matter who adapts his work, it’s first and foremost an Aaron Sorkin project. Until now. David Fincher’s free-wheeling and zippy movie is as fast-moving as the world of social media which will probably see Facebook superseded by other sites by the time this film hits satellite (this sentence sponsored by Diaspora). His control of the material, his authorial confidence, almost completely overwhelms the various tics and habits of Sorkin – no mean feat. Which is not to denigrate Sorkin. The Social Network represents his best work since the early years of The West Wing, cleverly and bravely tinkering with fact in order to turn the prosaic origins of Facebook into a Greek tragedy as “Mark Zuckerberg” is undone by his ambition and ironically trapped in the unsatisfying world he created. It’s delirious entertainment, delivered at hyper-speed by two masters of their trade, and well played by a young and obnoxiously talented cast, with special praise due to Andrew Garfield, as good here as he is in Mark Romanek’s Never Let Me Go.

7. Please Give

It’s been said before, and Shades of Caruso can merely echo it: why are people squandering their time waiting for Woody Allen to find something new to say when there is a perceptive, funny, imaginative filmmaker already working in the same area, and who isn’t merely content to ape better directors while putting nubile young women into leading roles as muses to various lecherous proxys? Please Give is a vastly entertaining and thought-provoking comedy-drama, playfully addressing themes of white liberal guilt, social discomfort, distorted body-image, and the generation gap, all while delivering endearing and subtle character comedy and well-earned last-act epiphanies that are recognisably small but no less profound for that. Nicole Holofcener has been making lovable and well-crafted social commentary for years without preaching, without resting on her laurels, and without pandering to the audience. Why she isn’t more widely celebrated by critics is beyond us.

6. Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass the movie is much like Kick-Ass the character, stupidly starting fights with powerful opponents just because it feels like it. Matthew Vaughan and Jane Goldman could have toned down Millar & Romita Jr.’s super-homage for family viewing, but instead they stuck to their guns and delivered a provocative blast of bratty energy right at the tutting moral campaigners. The only downside to the tide of handbag-clutching vitriol aimed at it (because really, who gives a fuck what these idiots think?) is that it obscured the message of the movie: if someone needs help, you have a duty to provide it, whether you like it or not. Hit-Girl may kill dozens of people and say the naughty words, but it’s not about that. It’s about a new generation kicking against the pricks. As London’s streets rage and the Establishment stamps on The Kids with all its might, Kick-Ass needs immediate reappraisal. It feels more like a manifesto than an action movie, but never forget: it’s a really goddamn good action movie.

5. Toy Story 3

Finally we reach the end of Pixar’s trilogy of torment. Toy Story 3 is a gruelling and emotionally devastating trip into the dark heart of society, laying bare the compromises made by all of us as we become adults. A world where wrenching sacrifice is inevitable is here depicted, with grim irony, as a candy-coloured landscape of potential joy crushed under the jackboot of miserable conformity, with emotional attachment to anyone or anything being a surefire way to see your dreams destroyed, your friendships demolished, your life ruined. It’s a relentless assault on the soul of the viewer, a sadistic and twisted reminder that life is dust and all we can do is cherish the odd moment of connection and bliss before being cast into the abyss, unwanted and alone. Oh the tears that were shed as Lee Unkrich’s nightmarish masterpiece hurtled towards its miserable end! Oceans of sadness! Waterworlds of lachrymosity! Damn you Pixar! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

4. The Kids Are All Right

Lisa Cholodenko’s immensely satisfying family drama is a quiet triumph, compassionately extolling the virtues and compromises necessary to live a liberal life while frankly addressing the unavoidable urges and paranoias of us all. It’s gratifying to see a movie leap over the usual tangle of political argument to simply present a loving family in all of its flawed beauty. Annette Bening, Mark Ruffalo and Julianne Moore excel as the trio of parents whose seemingly happy exteriors hide paranoia, jealousy and sadness; feelings that are brought to the surface by the actions of their teenage children. Does it sound like faint praise to say that the reason this movie appears so high on the list is just that it gets everything right? The movie’s ace in the hole is the script by Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg, which is a work of subtle genius. Without pandering to the audience we’re invited into the lives of some of the most exquisitely detailed characters of the year, whose actions are believable, recognisable, and revelatory. It’s a genuine crowd-pleaser in the best sense of the word.

3. 13 Assassins

It could have been a wild and tacky action extravaganza, something entertaining but disposable, a repository of empty iconography that trades in nostalgia for the long-gone heights of the action genre: i.e., it could have been The Expendables. Thankfully Takashi Miike’s startling action classic — featuring 13 outcast heroes facing off against an army protecting the insane brother of the Shogun — is anything but. At times it feels like an elegaic send-off for a period in Japanese history, as our hero Shinzaemon Shimada faces disgrace and death in order to do the right thing: literally destroying a way of life in order to save the country. As the final half of the movie kicks in, it feels more like Miike is saying goodbye to the Samurai sub-genre. The careful pace is jettisoned for 45 minutes of beautifully paced and choreographed carnage, and two final showdowns of incredible emotional power. Nothing can prepare you for the intensity of this brutal war-in-miniature, with courage giving way to insanity as the battle progresses. It will be a long time before anyone can top the director’s astonishing achievement.

2. Inception

It may not feature Batman, but Inception still swept in like the Caped Crusader to save us from a summer of lacklustre movies. Nevertheless, even in a strong year this imagination-shattering masterpiece would stand out. Christopher Nolan’s bold and befuddling puzzle mimicked the beats of a traditional action movie to tell one story that appealed on a lizard-brain level, ending in an hour-long setpiece of dazzling complexity and ambition. Nevertheless, the genius of Inception lies in its labyrinthine structure. Numerous stories/interpretations could be implied from the layers of Freudian and Jungian imagery piled on top of the heist-movie genre trappings. Much like Lost, there was more than one narrative here, and viewers could choose whichever they thought was most applicable. Such confidence in the audience’s ability to unpick a knot like this is rare enough, but to present it at the height of the summer season – a period traditionally dismissed as an intellectual dead zone by sneering cultural commentators – amounts to a statement of intent: this filmmaker is trying to single-handedly restore cinema’s confidence in itself, and justify its existence as the audience finds satisfaction elsewhere. To do that he had to construct a maze: one that takes two hours to grow in our minds, but will take years to solve.

1. Black Swan

Forget 3D. Forget the inevitable future technology of thought-transference, even. What Aronofsky has achieved using little more than empathic and artistic skill is to plant our consciousness into the mind of a deeply troubled woman: we see and hear everything she does, and slowly our grasp on reality falls apart at the same time as hers. The willing members of the audience — who allow Aronofsky’s hypnotic magic work on them — will find themselves trapped in their seats, bombarded with unreliable imagery and noise, forced to question everything they see and driven to a state of delirious euphoria. The intensity of the director’s vision has proved too much for some viewers, and caused some cineastes to cry “foul” as they denounce the movie for being “overwrought”. As if this is a bad thing. This tribute to the power of art to transform both creator and audience is exactly as heightened as it needs to be. Watching it is to experience the feeling of creating a new idea or to master an artform, with all of the emotional turmoil that that entails. Technically it is impressive: Matthew Libatique’s raw photography, Clint Mansell’s overwhelming score and the ingenious sound design by Craig Henighan create a claustrophobic atmosphere of inescapable hysteria, but it’s the emotional charge supplied by Natalie Portman’s performance that pushes this movie to the top of the list. Her total commitment to the project is the key to its success: Black Swan would be movie of the year just for her heart-wrenching turn.

Honorary Mentions:

Archipelago: Joanna Hogg’s beautifully observed and played drama about a middle class family riven with discord is heavily loaded with almost unbearable British reserve. It’s as uncommunicative as its protagonists, but says much more about class issues and familial strife than any histrionics ever could.

The Town: A muscular action flick directed with consummate skill by the great Ben Affleck, stepping in front of his own camera to give a career-best performance alongside a similarly great cast of Rebecca Hall, Jeremy Renner, Pete Postlethwaite, Chris Cooper and Jon Hamm.

Summer Wars: Mamoru Hosoda’s sci-fi movie about a family battling against a rampant AI is primarily about how the history of a warrior clan can be revisited in modern trappings, but it also struck me as a love letter to the Internet and its greatest asset: the people who populate it and defend it from marauding forces. It’s also a feast for the eyes.

Unstoppable: The traditional visual blow-out of Tony Scott remains a constant eye-sore throughout this pared-down action thriller, but this is still his best-paced film in an age, and his best overall movie since Crimson Tide. There may not be much to it, but what more do you need? It’s an runaway train! And Denzel has to stop it! Magic.

Amigo: What could have been a dry piece of historical fiction is instead both a vibrant celebration of humanity’s empathy and harsh depiction of its worst and most paranoid instincts, as the occupation of a baryo in the Philippines during the Philippine-American War flirts with success before disaster. A great cast; a great — and compassionate — movie.

Best Documentary: Tabloid

Errol Morris succeeds again with the wonderfully tawdry story of Joyce McKinney and The Case of the Manacled Mormon, which was a huge deal in tabloid newspaper culture last century. Timely points are made about how journalism can ruin lives, and how opportunistic individuals can make a living from turning their troubles into a kind of performance for the masses, but most of all it’s just a massively entertaining tale, filled with oddballs, twists and humour.

Best Fiction / Non-Fiction Hybrid: Self Made

Gillian Wearing’s feature debut is like nothing else out there, a pleasantly discombobulating method-acting experiment using non-actors. She plays with what fiction is expected to do, and how our response to it is tied up in our knowledge of the individuals involved in the making of it, while at the same time using her acting exercises as a tool to unwrap the thought-processes of her volunteers. It could have been a navel-gazing exercise, but Wearing is too smart and empathic for that. What she has woven is far deeper than some dry documentary, and more emotionally involving. It’s cathartic for those involved, and maybe for the viewer too.

Still to come: worst movies of the year, and my pick of the best performances, best crew contributions, and best miscellaneous gubbins.

Listmania ’10! Music Round-Up

Whenever I do these stupid-ass lists I always try to keep the numbers down, and the music list is usually easy. I might only listen to about 20 albums a year, and it’s hard to find more than ten that I really love. This year I’ve had to do a top 15 because it’s been the best year of music I can remember, and I know I should’ve listened to even more, or given certain albums more times (I know Cosmogramma by Flying Lotus needs more than the hasty listen I gave to it). Even more annoying is that that crazy bastard Yeezy only went and released the most critically-acclaimed album of the year in December, and like an idiot I didn’t bother listening to the various streamed tracks earlier in the year because I wanted to wait to hear the whole damn thing in one go. As a result I have only listened to it about seven times in its entirety. That it still ranks so highly here is a testament to its obvious brilliance.

The only other thing making me a little hesitant about this list is that I found out this morning that somehow I have been listening to Joanna Newsom’s incredible triple album in the wrong order. Having thought that it was a little odd to have the last disc be composed of almost exclusively slow and mournful songs, it now makes perfect sense. Sadly I haven’t had time to listen to the whole thing in the proper order: as I’m an album snob who thinks the track order is an essential aspect of the work, who knows if that would affect its position here? The world awaits any future amendments to this post, I’m sure. Anyway, here is the conservative list of an almost middle-aged white man with not enough hip-hop in his music collection, a man who wishes Animal Collective could release an album every year, and whose only experience of playing music is playing Rock Band, which is ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME AS PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT so there, musicians with a stick up their arse. #annoyedbymusiciansdissingmyfavouritegame

Best Albums:

15. Marnie Stern – Marnie Stern

14. The Monitor – Titus Andronicus

13. The Wonder Show of the World – Bonnie “Prince” Billy and the Cairo Gang

12. The Courage of Others – Midlake

11. Does It Look Like I’m Here? – Emeralds

10. High Violet – The National

9. Crazy For You – Best Coast

8. The ArchAndroid – Janelle Monae

7. Contra – Vampire Weekend

6. Fang Island – Fang Island

5. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West

4. Have One On Me – Joanna Newsom

3. This Is Happening – LCD Soundsystem

2. The Suburbs – Arcade Fire

1. Halcyon Digest – Deerhunter

Best Album Tracks:

10. Risky Biz – Marnie Stern

9. Goodbye – Best Coast

8. Desire Lines – Deerhunter

7. Troublesome Places – Bonnie “Prince” Billy and the Cairo Gang

6. Esme - Joanna Newsom

5. Bring Down – Midlake with Stephanie Dosen

4. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) – Arcade Fire

3. Treeton – Fang Island

2. I Want To Be Well – Sufjan Stevens

1. Lost In The World – Kanye West and Bon Iver

Best Singles:

10. Rocket - Goldfrapp

9. Revival - Deerhunter

8. Boyfriend - Best Coast

7. Cold War – Janelle Monae

6. Four Score and Seven – Titus Andronicus

5. This Too Shall Pass – OK Go

4. We Used To Wait - Arcade Fire

3. Bloodbuzz Ohio - The National

2. Runaway – Kanye West feat. Pusha T

1. Radar Detector – Darwin Deez

Best Album Track That Will Soon Be Released As A Single: Run - Vampire Weekend

Best Opening Track: Dance Yrself Clean – LCD Soundsystem

Best Closing Track: He Would Have Laughed – Deerhunter

Best Video: Drunk Girls – LCD Soundsystem

Best Song From A TV Show: Gunfight Epiphany – Rob Duncan (the theme tune to Terriers)

Best Animal Collective-Related Song: Stick To My Side – Pantha Du Prince (feat. Panda Bear)

Coming soon: way too many blogposts about my movies of the year. (ETA: In case some humorless musician sees my earlier comment and is enraged by my Rock Band moaning, I was being facetious about the game while being totally serious about sticks up arses.)

New Poll: What Was The Best Movie You Saw In 2010?

About 450,000,000,000 lifetimes ago I added a poll to the blog, asking readers to vote for the movie they were most excited about during the summer season, and then I got busy doing other things and left it stuck to the side of the blog as an unintentional warning to visitors that there was nothing going on here. Well, time to rectify that. Here are the results, and OMG they are surprising!

  • Nicolas Cage: Mindfreak 2.0: 16 (40%)
  • Man of Iron vs. Several Other Men of Iron Plus Mickey Rourke: 9 (22.5%)
  • Christopher Nolan’s Braneheist!: 6 (15%)
  • When Annie Hall Met Tekken: 5 (12.5%)
  • Toy Story 3D: A New Dimension in Feeling Guilty About Growing Up: 4 (10%)
  • Robin Hood and His Terribly Serious Men: 0 (0%)
  • Hell is an Infinite Number of Shrek Sequels: 0 (0%)
  • Step Up 3D: A New Dimension in Dance: 0 (0%)
  • Jakey G and the Persian Abs of Sexy Steel: 0 (0%)
  • Heigl and Kutcher are: Unlikeable!: 0 (0%)
  • Piranha 3D: A New Dimension in Fish: 0 (0%)
  • Tom and Cameron’s Desperate Adventure: 0 (0%)
  • The Twilight Saga: This Time Something Might Actually Happen: 0 (0%)
  • M. Night Shyamalan Presents: M. Night Shyamalan’s Last Roll of the Dice: 0 (0%)
  • Fishburne + Predators > Citizen Kane: 0 (0%)
  • The Bad, The Rad, and the Genuinely Ugly: 0 (0%)
  • Eat Pray Love Drink Fumble Artichoke Spanner Colostomy: 0 (0%)
  • Wall Street 2D: An Old Dimension in Making Obvious Points About Greed: 0 (0%)
  • Sylvester Stallone’s Bitching 80′s Actiongasm: 0 (0%)

I’m actually really flattered that someone decided to polljack me and vote 16 times for Nicolas Cage’s latest box-office-shattering megahit ($63,150,991 domestic! Somewhere in LA Jerry Bruckheimer is crying, and then telling himself off for crying before getting his teeth bleached to make himself feel better). It means a lot that someone was mischievous enough to do that, though it makes me worry that now people will think I did it to make sure my favourite angry film star got to the top of my own poll. Sadly, it doesn’t work like that, especially as I’ve seen it and it really doesn’t deserve to be there. Baruchel negates Cage, unfortunately. (Ah, the nasal nerdlinger was tolerable, and the movie was passable, but that doesn’t cut it.)

Iron Man 2, Inception, Scott Pilgrim and Toy Story 3 were bound to get the most votes, as they all sit at perfect confluences of fan love, but the lack of votes tells me two things. 1) I don’t have many readers, and random visitors aren’t likely to click on my polls, which is sad, and 2) of the readers I do have, none of them are fans of sparkly vampires, prehistoric fish monsters, Josh Brolin, film stars whose only talent is to smile a lot as their popularity dwindles (hello Heigl, Roberts, Cruise and Diaz), video game adaptations starring bad accents and some inadvisable brownface makeup (yes, I do believe Gemma Arterton had her English Rose complexion darkened, and yes, the mind boggles), and Plasticene-faced OAP Sylvester Stallone grunting at a visibly bored Jason Statham. And I don’t blame my readers, because nearly every movie in that list was shockingly poor. Seven of them will feature in my worst movies list. That’s seven movies so wretched that I actually like Killers more. Killers! With Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher! I know!

Anyway, time to round out the year with another poll, hastily devised this afternoon while I waited for the blood to freeze in my veins. What is your favourite movie of the year? Note I’ve only given 18 options: time is tight as I’m still writing a billion words about the year as a whole, which I hope to have up before February 2011. That’s not a joke. Here are the choices:

  • How Creepy Was My Ballet?
  • Uncle Boonmee and the Deathly-Boring Hallows
  • Robert Altman’s Iron Man
  • Harry Potter and the Unguent of Perspicacity
  • Scott Pilgrim’s Unwatched Adventure
  • The Most Expensive Daft Punk Video Imaginable
  • Im In Ur Dreamz Killin Ur D00dz
  • Pixar’s The Neverending Guilt Trip
  • The Kids Are All Right But Their Parents Are Fucked
  • Sorkin Vs Facebook = Ten Million Word Count
  • The Execrables
  • Twilight: Eternal Narrative Stasis
  • Proto-Robin Hood And His Quasi-Merry Men
  • Prince of Parkour: The Absence of Entertainment
  • The Impoverished Hottie And The Quest For The Redneck
  • Another Year, Another Grim Mike Leigh Movie
  • Ben Stiller’s The Human Zoidberg
  • A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Jihad

I’ll round up the responses once I’ve got a reasonable number of votes, and I’ve finished all of my other end-of-year posts. I’ve been writing the film ones for a month and I’m not even halfway through. :-(

The Existence of Tron: Legacy Single-Handedly Justified By “Thirteen”

Perhaps I shouldn’t be so willing to give Tron: Legacy an easy ride, and yet I find myself unable to hate it for its numerous flaws. Is it because of nostalgia for the Tron franchise? Not really: the original movie excited me as a child only until I actually saw it. The build-up to its release – with all of the chatter about its groundbreaking computer generated effects and integration of live-action and animation – promised more than could possibly have been delivered. Even as an undemanding kid I was underwhelmed, though I will admit the images of light cycles and disc battles stayed in my mind after the clunky and tedious movie ended. Even so, these memories were not persistent enough to encourage me to seek out any subsequent franchise efforts, such as the Tron 2.0 game.

Is it because I saw it in IMAX, where the visuals are truly breathtaking? I will happily grant kudos to the filmmakers for using full IMAX images at exactly the right moments for maximum impact: a trick that has only been used by Christopher Nolan and Michael Bay to this point, as far as I can recall. Nevertheless, it’s not just a big-ass screen or nifty 3D that make a difference. I’ve seen enough films on the IMAX screen to be able to differentiate good from bad without bias. At least I hope I can. I’ll wait to see it on a normal sized cinema screen, or on my beloved TV and get back to you on that.

Is it because I am a sucker for big stupid sci-fi movies with pretty images and a loud soundtrack provided by legendary French pioneers of electronic music? Let’s say that accounts for about 40% of the love. I’m only human, and as anyone who has seen some of the dubious films in my my DVD collection can tell you, if I buy into something early on, then I’ll usually ignore glaring problems with plot, execution, or rampant nonsensicality and then defend it against its attackers for years. Though Tron: Legacy regrettably makes the same mistakes as the first in not really spending enough time building up its world (all we get are tantalising hints and the odd quirky detail), it mattered little to me when scenes like the disc battle and light-cycle sequence are as beautifully constructed as they are here.

Is it because I love hard luck cases? Early reviews of Tron: Legacy have been highly critical, with Drew McWeeny’s impassioned demolition of the movie being particularly brutal. To be honest, there’s not much he’s said there that I can argue with. This version of Tron follows the structure of the first in a way that smacks more of laziness than a payment of respect, and certainly the CGI en-youngenising of Jeff Bridges is not that great (though as someone I follow on Twitter pointed out, the Uncanny Valley effect works well to make antagonist Clu seem other-worldly). However the script by Ed Kitsis and Adam Horowitz (who wrote the excellent Lost episode Expose as well as a whole lot of really not that great episodes) is an acceptable template for an action movie, with room for some surprisingly affecting father/son dynamics between Flynn and his son Sam, not to mention his Frankenstein creation Clu).

Criticism of director Joseph Kosinski is also a bit far off the mark. Anyone hoping that the world of ads would belch out another David Fincher or early-career Ridley Scott will be very disappointed, but he moves things along with enough zip, stages action acceptably well, and harnesses an amazing design team to construct a world of eye-fondling beauty, cast in neon and well-gradated shadow, as if adapting the best avant-garde car advert you’ve ever seen. Much of the fun of the movie is derived from having each scene feature some nifty little detail or visual quirk. In fact, many times during the movie I expected this well of pointless but amusing doodles to run dry, but it never does. As for his direction of actors, it’s worth noting that while he gets some fun performances out of the cast — Old Jeff Bridges’ wacky hippie/Jedi turn is especially amusing — he seems unable to make Garrett Hedlund do anything other than occupy space onscreen. It’s not a massive problem, though, as I will explain in due time.

I’m also mystified by the complaints that the finale of the movie borrows too heavily from the end of Star Wars. If adding turrets to some flying vehicles in order to stage a dizzyingly-staged dogfight counts as a rip-off, then I guess it does, though in that case it also “plagiarises” Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade as well, seeing as that features a long sequence with Henry Jones blasting Nazi scum from the skies (the lovable old fart!). I know that George Lucas has tinkered with the Star Wars movies a lot, but not so much that the final scenes that I remember from my last viewing look anything like the end of this.

I have to admit, I expected more borrowing from Star Wars than there actually is: Kitsis and Horowitz wrote the Lost episode Some Like It Hoth, in which Hurley memorably re-wrote The Empire Strikes Back to hand to Lucas during his trip to the past, so their Star Wars fandom is now well-established. The mild homage they add to Tron is more than acceptable, and no reason to denounce the movie (though the subsequent inexplicable last-minute turnaround of an antagonistic character makes little sense: complaints about that are fine by me).

No, the main reason for this faint-praise-but-still-praise-dammit review — a reason that accounts for 50% of my new affection for the Tron franchise — is one character: Quorra, the “Warrior Ninja” personified by Olivia Wilde in a fetching catsuit-and-off-kilter-bangs combo. Though her ninja skills don’t really get a work out, she is the one truly relatable character here, simply by being recognisably awestruck by the momentous events around her. If the rather trad Race to the Portal / Quest for the Disc plots work at all, it’s only because it’s important to Quorra, who actually runs through a gamut of emotions during the movie while most other characters are merely grimly determined. In contrast to Sam Flynn’s pouty self-absorption (a character trait that transforms by movie’s end, of course), Quorra’s curiosity, courage and unstoppable affection for her two companions is utterly charming.

We can be grateful to Wilde for this. She was the best thing about House for a long while, and here she gets a opportunity to fill a large screen, an opportunity she grabs with both rubber-clad hands. It’s a very pleasant surprise to see her leave the box she has found herself in, having been stuck with grouchy Thirteen in House and snarky Alex Kelly in The O.C. Her spritely energy, hither-to untapped playfulness and instantly iconic look are enough to vault this movie up from mostly forgettable to highly watchable, and it’s notable that while she’s onscreen poor Garrett Hedlund disappears as if by magic. If this movie is successful enough to launch a new franchise, I only hope so in order to see more of Quorra — her journey is far more interesting than anything else going on here — and Olivia Wilde.

(BTW, if you think my calculations are off and I’ve missed out 10% of my love, fear not. I drape that love all over the amazing Michael Sheen, here trying very hard to steal the show by playing a flamboyant night-club owner as a cross between Fred Astaire, Lady Gaga and Larry Grayson. He should be employed to ham up every movie ever made.

ETA: Twitter pop-culture maven Dan Pittman has pointed out to me the debt Sheen owes to David Bowie and Labyrinth: there is a recognisable element of Goblin King in this hysterical amalgam of extravagant actorly tics.)

BFI LFF 2010: Black Swan

When writing about the London Film Festival I like to compare and contrast in order to convey the mentally claustrophobic experience of seeing so many movies in such a short space of time. My reaction to one bleeds over into another, or informs my thoughts on both: watching both Biutiful and Essential Killing in one miserable afternoon linked them together in a way that only an exorcist could break apart. Connections grow, parallels become obvious, and the Festival becomes a blob of mushed-up celluloid instead of a series of discrete cinematic events. (This metaphor makes more sense in my head.)

And yet one movie stood out so far from the rest that it’s hard to connect it to any other, despite similarities of theme or execution. Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan is a bomb that detonated in the middle of the festival, and nothing else could have the same impact: even Miike’s 13 Assassins paled in comparison. Early reports suggested Aronofsky had made something special, but on the page it sounded uninspiring: a ballet dancer gets a bit depressed when the pressure is on to deliver a radical new version of Swan Lake. So far, so Suspiria / Red Shoes. However, nothing could have prepared me for this assault on my senses, this barrage of hallucinogenic beauty that rendered me insensible, shaking and hyperventilating and frenetically applauding as the credits rolled.

Aronofsky has hinted at this ability before: his use of repetitive loops of imagery in Pi and Requiem for a Dream had a kind of hypnotic, rhythmic effect, and it was evident in The Fountain albeit in a less staccato form. Here he has combined his facility for creating propulsive, dialogue-free set-pieces as in his early films with the confrontational realist photography of The Wrestler and a narrative that can provide the sense of awe felt during the final moments of The Fountain: a fusion of all of his best work. No one else can end a movie as well as Aronofsky, and Black Swan tops everything else he has done.

The less you know about Black Swan, the better, but it’s safe to say the film is about talented ballet dancer Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman), chosen to play both the Swan Queen and Black Swan in a new production of Swan Lake directed by lascivious maverick Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel). It’s a role she might not have the ability to pull off, and her fears threaten to consume her. Her drive to succeed is stoked by the awful behaviour of her possessive and controlling mother (a magnificently creepy Barbara Hershey), sending her into a tailspin of paranoia and suspicion exacerbated by the arrival of Lily (Mila Kunis), a free-spirit who embodies the sexuality Nina has suppressed but must harness in order to portray the Black Swan. Her grasp on reality begins to slip as the night of the first performance approaches, a process depicted by Aronofsky through unreliable imagery, nausea-inducing sound effects, subtle but nasty body horror, and mirrors, mirrors, mirrors.

A good case can be made that Aronofsky is using obvious tricks to convey Nina’s unravelling mental state, but when they are as effective as this, it doesn’t matter – if you’re willing to give yourself over. As with Christopher Nolan’s Inception, the use of easily recognisable imagery (e.g. mirrors in Black Swan to denote fractured sense of identity, elevators to denote movement between different levels of consciousness in Inception) allows the audience to swallow information on a gut level while the movie focuses on delivering story through action, not exposition. Yes, Inception‘s first hour is taken up by explaining the rules of the movie, and Black Swan spends some time explaining the story of Swan Lake in detail, but the payoff for being led by the hand early on is that Nolan and Aronofsky can later use thematic visual short-cuts with confidence that we are clued-up and ready for the ride.

Both movies end with long setpieces that would not be possible without these oft-criticised compromises, if they can even be called that. When did we become so jaded that the use of universally recognised shorthand to allow viewers to absorb information on a subconscious level is considered a bad thing? The benefit is immense: both Nolan and Aronofsky have created unforgettable experiences, riveting barrages of pure cinema that start calmly before galloping towards logical but unexpected conclusions, leaving the audience exhausted and grateful. As with last year’s Inglourious Basterds, both of these movies made me excited in a way no other works of art ever could. The sense of propulsion, of being rushed through the imaginations of two genuine artists without a chance to catch my breath, was truly thrilling.

The one thing Black Swan has over Inception is one truly magnificent performance. Natalie Portman excels as Nina, going to unbelievable physical and emotional lengths to depict the dancer’s paranoia and confusion. I doubt even her fans were aware that she could pull off a performance as wrenching and brave as this: it’s as if Brando had done dozens of relatively unchallenging movies before On The Waterfront, or De Niro had started out in the woeful crud of his later years before showing up in Mean Streets. Portman is that good. I’m genuinely amazed that she hasn’t already been given every acting award going, just to save time. It’s the performance of the year, and Black Swan wouldn’t be the masterpiece it is without her at its centre.

Every aspect of the movie is almost perfect. Kunis and Hershey do career-best work, and Cassel triumphs over some unfortunate underwriting through sheer charm alone, with some fantastic moments coming late in the film. Soundtrack composer Clint Mansell has the unenviable task of fleshing out Tchaikovsky’s masterpiece and by God he pulls it off, playing off Tchaikovsky’s themes in the non-ballet scenes and wisely leaving the original music to power the stunning dance sequences in the final act. It’s the kind of bravura score that converts people into classical fans: the crescendo in the last few minutes will likely knock you sideways. Matthew Libatique’s naturalistic, monochrome photography is also worthy of note: it’s gritty and unaffected but still conveys the grandeur of the Swan’s tale, effortlessly eluding the dancers and giving the audience a closer look at the art of dance than is usual. It’s the key to the immersive nature of the film.

That might be the reason some people have found Black Swan unpalatable. Most of Aronofsky’s influences are obvious — Hitchcock, Powell/Pressburger, Argento, Verhoeven and Cronenberg are all present and correct — but it’s telling that Aronofsky, in his truncated presentation before the screening, made reference to Gaspar Noé’s Enter The Void. Without prompting he segued into elaborate praise for Noé’s nightmare vision, recommending that everyone see it as soon as possible (yet another reason to praise Aronofsky). This recommendation seemed odd: Black Swan seemed, from trailers and clips, to be conventionally filmed compared to Noé’s bold project, which put us inside the mind of its protagonist by using a remarkable soundscape and innovative visual effects to convince us we were experiencing a final journey into a nightmare world beyond the grave.

Aronofsky can’t use the same tricks as Noe, but he comes as close as you can. Portman is constantly onscreen, those searching cameras pushing close in on her, the stunning sound design cranked up as far as possible so we are surrounded by music, noise, the cracking of her body as she punishes herself for her art. The audience winced and gasped with every flexed toe, clipped nail, and stretched ligament. As with Noé’s kaleidoscopic work, you see how redundant 3D technology can be when a truly brilliant filmmaker has the ability to draw you into his or her protagonist’s POV. When Black Swan was over my head swam: rushing out of the cinema to complete a prior engagement was made almost impossible by the disconnect between the real world and the world in which I had been submerged. The sense that we are trapped with Nina inside her madness is palpable: critics say overwrought, I say overwhelming, brave, unique.

There’s good reason to expect that Aronofsky’s gleeful mixing of high and low culture will annoy some, and his use of imagery may smack others as unsubtle. Fair enough, but if I can convince one person that the tide of positive reviews that have poured forth over the past few days are a true measure of this mesmerising work, and not just the product of empty hype, I will be happy. Aronofsky has aimed straight at the gut as much as at the brain and heart, and in the process has created a dark fairy-tale of unbelievable power. It’s the best film of the festival, and the best film of Aronofsky’s career: a pure fusion of sound and image of such mastery that everything else released this year stands cowering in its shadow.

BFI LFF 2010: Amigo / Meek’s Cutoff

I’m a terrible cinemagoer. No, I’m not one of those inconsiderate creeps who takes calls during the movie, or eats the largest bag of popcorn in the slowest manner possible while obliviously stirring the corn, and I don’t talk at the screen, and I don’t fart except for that one time, and I only ever really make exclamations of joy when I’m utterly transported out of myself by what’s onscreen, though if the movie’s really bad and I’m miles away from anyone else I just can’t help myself from saying “For fuck’s sake!” such as whenever that hack Paul W.S. Anderson plagiarises another movie or exerts zero effort once again. All of this means that I think that gives me the right to hate on other filmgoers, and sadly London Film Festival attendees — while almost completely silent during the movies (except for the lady who cackled and noisily announced her joyous emotions to her friends through the performance of It’s Kind of a Funny Story) — have yet to figure out fundamentals as start-times and seat allocations. Seriously, almost every screening was marred by people arriving 15 minutes late and disrupting whole rows of people who understand the concepts of time and space.

So it was that I got to a screening of John Sayles’ Amigo just as an LFF curator introduced Time Out critic Geoff Andrews, who she said would be hosting a Q&A after the movie, and then struggled to find my seat as the lights went down because some group of random idiots had decided they didn’t like where they were supposed to sit and thus colonised my seat instead. Cue twenty minutes of thinking the seat I ended up in would be allocated to one of the many, many, many late arrivals. The movie unfolded as I scoured the late arrivals, heralded by the thumping door and then “muted” conversations as they walked up and down the screen’s central aisle. “Is it C? Or D? D15? I can’t see that. Get your phone out. Where are the ushers?” Information onscreen eluded me as my normal settling-in routine failed to kick in. Was this guy going to disrupt me? Was this woman? Holy shit, there’s a 10 foot tall person who walked in TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE! He’s in the aisle! He keeps hovering around by my row! Sit down, dude! Sit down!!!

So yeah, I almost lost my shit at John Sayles for ruining my experience of his own movie. The gargantuan (in size and legend) filmmaker had arrived late (and, from what it seemed to me, kind of unexpectedly, as he had not been namechecked by the curator at the beginning), and was trying to figure out where he could sit. And I nearly went ballistic on my hero and told him to plant his goddamn ass so I could concentrate on getting to grips with the large cast and unfamiliar political/historical situation. That would have been a unique experience. Thank God I stopped myself from completing this dick move: a useful lesson in enhancing my calm in public.

Unfortunately my experience was still tainted by the late arrivals. Amigo is set during a conflict that Sayles admitted in his subsequent fascinating Q&A was a part of American history that is relatively unknown, and the opening of the film contains a sizable but deftly handled download of infomation. Research for a novel – A Moment in the Sun, set during the Phillippine-American War of 1899-1902 – led to him developing the additional story of the American occupation of a single baryo: San Isidro, which in the movie stands in for all the barrios that were colonised by US soldiers and fought over by Filipino revolutionaries. The village has already been touched by the war when the movie opens: Rafael Dacanay, the head of the baryo, has imprisoned a couple of soldiers and a Spanish Friar (Padre Hidalgo, played with slimy arrogance by Yul Vàzquez) on the orders of his revolutionary brother. Dacanay is more interested in just keeping the village and the harvest running: when his son expresses an interest in joining the revolutionaries that are camped out in the forest surrounding the village, Dacanay forbids him, knowing that nothing good can come of it.

However, Dacanay and San Isidro are unable to avoid fate: it’s not long before American forces enter the village, freeing the soldiers and Padre Hidalgo. Unable to understand the Filipinos, they rely on the Padre to translate: bad news for Dacanay, who has made a powerful and sneaky enemy. Hidalgo poisons the occupying American force against Dacanay (who, through a complication of translation, is known to the Americans as Amigo), who spends much of the movie being treated like dirt by everyone. His role as the leader of the village is undermined by the forces piled on top of him, torn between his responsibility to his family and fellow villagers, the revolutionaries in the forest who want to exploit his closeness to the Americans, and the US soldiers (led by the sympathetic but oblivious Lt. Compton: another terrific performance from Shades of Caruso favourite Garret Dillahunt).

Dacanay is possibly the unluckiest character of the year. He gets beaten up, insulted, tortured, manipulated, and betrayed. Joel Torre does a great job with the character, perfectly depicting his internal conflict and anguish as the quiet life of the village is disrupted by forces beyond his control. Also notable are Vàzquez, excelling as the loathsome Friar, and Dillahunt, who brings great humanity to Compton. The large cast also features DJ Qualls (cast well against type), Chris Cooper as the unfeeling Col. Hardacre, and Dane DeHaan (currently making waves as adopted teenager Jesse in yet another superlative season of In Treatment) as the lovestruck Gill, whose affection for a villager is one of the first signs that the occupation (or “hamletting”, as it was called in Vietnam, where the same tactics were used) could end well.

That’s the key to Amigo, and the thing that makes it such a warm and entertaining movie – a tonal miracle considering the subject matter. Language barriers, selfishness, vindictiveness and distrust constantly threaten the uneasy truce between the villagers and the soldiers, but common humanity and decency still shines through from time to time. If it wasn’t for Padre Hidalgo, Col. Hardacre and the revolutionaries, the baryo would settle into a peaceful routine. It would remain an occupation, but the simple truth is once these people spend enough time together, there is a chance that a respectful detente will form between villagers and soldiers – who are often just farm boys who understand the harvest and the actions necessary to keep the village running.

Soppy liberal wishful-thinking? Perhaps, and it’s certainly the kind of worthy message movie that usually annoys, but Sayles is a better filmmaker than, say, Paul Haggis, what with his aversion to subtext or subtlety. The message of Amigo – that humans flourish when politics or religion or grudges don’t get in the way – is conveyed through well-sketched characters, suspenseful plotting, and a real feeling for the things that drive us. It works as much as a movie as it does a treatise on the foolishness of men at war, and Sayles is persuasive enough – and brave enough in showing the inevitable darkening of that dream – for his message to come across with the same compassion he always shows, though never at the cost of that “page-turning” skill he has demonstrated numerous times in the past.

One problem with the movie (and it’s no fault of Sayles’) is that it concerns a part of history that is rarely spoken of, meaning this viewer had trouble placing it in any kind of context. It’s the same discombobulation felt when watching something like Malick’s Thin Red Line or The Pacific: it’s hardly ever spoken of and so you can’t help but wonder how much of what you’re seeing is artistic licence and how much is researched and depicted with as much accuracy as possible. Hopefully any DVD or Blu-Ray of Amigo comes with some historical documentaries, as Sayles’ Q&A revealed that pretty much everything you saw on screen was the product of an incredible amount of research, answering every question I had. For instance, San Isidro stood in for hundreds of baryos that saw the head of the village caught between his loyalty to his revolutionary countrymen and his obligation to do what the occupiers asked in order to keep his charges safe. Also, some distracting topical phrases employed by Hardacre about “hearts and minds” grated – the parallels between this war and the situation in Iraq are clear enough without extra hints — but according to Sayles this was genuinely part of the reasoning behind the hamletting technique seen here, decades before the practice was seen in Vietnam. He didn’t mention whether the water torture inflicted upon Dacanay was also used at the time, but I suspect it was.

Amigo left me pretty stoked. It’s a fine movie, possibly Sayles’ best since Limbo, and not at all heavy-going. It runs like a dream, uses its large cast well, and does a good job of condensing a great deal of material into an entertaining story. If this means Sayles has ground the edges down a bit too much, it’s a price worth paying for two hours of fascinating storytelling, and certainly when he is exploring a historical incident that is not well known. Even better, upon leaving the screening, I saw the great man hanging around outside, and felt compelled to monster the poor guy. If that’s at all possible: he’s approximately a million feet tall. When I shook his hand I felt like an 6-year old meeting a kindly uncle. I thanked him for Amigo, and informed him that his damnable classic Limbo had haunted me ever since I saw it years ago.

Limbo spoilers! Beware!

He seemed amused by this, but I guess he regularly gets hassled about it. The end of Amigo is likely to generate the same reaction: he was asked during the Q&A if he had ever considered a different ending, and he revealed his endings come first & he works backward from there (which makes me feel better as I do the same thing). When I mentioned the end of Limbo he said that he had asked the cast what they thought had happened after the screen fades out, and found that the male actors thought the characters lived, and the female ones thought they died. Or the other way around: I can’t remember as while he was telling the anecdote my brain was screaming “John Sayles is talking to me!!!” Anyway, he pointed out that there was a gender split with his main actors, and that he felt the end was a Rorschach test. To this day I’ve never been able to settle on my own opinion: I enjoy the Schrodinger-esque quality of it.

End spoilers!

Language barriers and distrust between races are also evident in Kelly Reichardt’s minimalist Western Meek’s Cutoff, which sees a group of settlers crossing inhospitable landscapes in a desperate search for water after getting lost. A grizzled old frontiersman, Meek (an unrecognisable Bruce Greenwood), leads the group astray in a foolish bid to explore uncharted land, a decision that jeopardises them all. The majority of the movie depicts their quiet, resigned struggle to get over the next hill, then the next, then the next, the landscape sprawling out before them with almost no variation. Tensions that have sprung up among the settlers threaten to tear the group apart, and every choice made is tainted by fear and resentment, with their initial suspicion of Meek eventually transferred to the native American who crosses their path. The conflict then becomes one between compassion and pragmatism: will the group be doomed by the native American or the shady explorer in their midst, and should they react with violence to save themselves?

As with Essential Killing there isn’t really much to the plot, but unlike Skolimovsky’s movie – which is an empty exercise in provocation – Meek’s Cutoff manages to be tense and involving, with Reichardt displaying a mastery of mood that her other movies only hinted at. She conveys the slowly building fear of the settlers brilliantly: I could feel my neck crane in a futile attempt to see over the next ridge, to see if there was water there. A scene involving the lowering of their wagons down an incline is one of the most suspenseful scenes of the year: something you don’t expect to see in such a meditative movie. The stakes increase in severity almost without you realising it: Reichardt’s ability to twist the screws is notably subtle and effective.

Mostly that’s because she takes the time to show just how precarious their situation is. Their wagons are the only things they have, and if they lose them, or their livestock, they’re doomed: a fact that is taught to us through skillful inference. A lot of the work is done through the amazing sound design by Leslie Shatz: he soundtracks the movie with little more than the creak and squeak of the wagon wheels. That persistent sound becomes the sound of hope: if they stop moving they’ll die. Such care over every detail of the journey makes Meek’s Cutoff a riveting experience, one that threads thematic possibilities through its sparse narrative while always coming back to its core point: nature is an enemy that progress cannot ever conquer. An old idea, but when depicted with this clarity and persistence, it’s hard to carp. You find yourself hypnotised by the sight of these people silently moving ever onwards, finding yourself empathically connected to them, the sound of the wheels grating and pushing you into a state of frustrated panic.

There are two choices made by Reichardt that seem odd. One is Meek himself, played as the grumpiest old prospector imaginable by Greenwood. It’s a very entertaining and ego-free performance, but sadly when he showed up I turned to Daisyhellcakes and mentioned Gus Chiggins, which pretty much ruined our enjoyment of his turn. Even without that, the broadness of his work here is at odds with the naturalistic style employed by everyone else. Perhaps he is merely meant to be the sort of charismatic frontiersman who can convince a group of settlers to go against their better judgement and leave the well-worn path. (In case you were wondering, there were no other problems with the performances, with all acquiting themselves very well and the seemingly unstoppable Michelle Williams excelling once again.)

The other choice that stirred me out of my happy revery was the ending: not because it’s bad, but because it so closely resembles the end of another man vs. nature film made in recent years. I won’t spoil, but after seeing the film it might be worth looking at this page, which reveals what actually happened to the real settlers who travelled with Stephen Meek and veered off the Oregon Trail in 1845. It’s a valid choice by Reichardt, but it almost undermines the momentum of the rest of the film. Not a killing blow by any stretch: it’s still one of the best movies of the year, and a terrific companion-piece to Debra Granik’s atmospheric Winter’s Bone. Nevertheless, it didn’t quite close the deal. (For a better review of Meek’s Cutoff, I recommend this from Slash Film).

BFI LFF 2010: Blue Valentine / Biutiful / Essential Killing

It’s been a tough year at Shades of Caruso HQ. Not wishing to get into personal details, but if 2010 was a boat, it would be the Titanic after crashing into the Lucitania and the Poseidon on the slopes of Mount St. Helen. There’s been some highs among the lows, but we’ve had our fill of crappy luck. Obviously we’re not alone: the dire economy and the miserable cultural and ideological battles being waged in the West have tried the patience of at least a few dozen people, I’m sure. A bad time to release non-cathartic downer films, then. As this year has proved even crowd-pleasers have struggled: good luck to anyone who has made anything that challenges the Mass-Pacification Template that mainstream cinema often uses.

It would be nice to think that some emotional weakness on my part is the cause of my antipathy towards the three most downbeat films seen at the Festival, but honestly they’re just not that great. The reflexive addition of miserable finales as some kind of response to the often pandering feel-good endings of much cinematic output is the sort of thing that makes independent film such an unappealing prospect. If the downer ending is earned, I’m all for it, but too often it is appended through some misguided appeal to profundity, a futile attempt at cocking a snook at the “corporate product” that is just being used as a sugar-coated opiate to dull the senses of the masses, man.

The trilogy of cinematic downers I endured tried with all their might to harsh my mellow, though one of them managed to accept that maybe there is some beauty in the world, only to make a point that this will inevitably be destroyed by the unremitting bleakness of the human condition. Derek Cianfrance’s Blue Valentine depicts the beginning and end of the relationship between Dean (an amazing performance from Ryan Gosling) and Cindy (arguably an even more amazing performance from Michelle Williams), skipping back and forth in time between the two states, adding poignancy to the drawn-out final day, and tragedy to the slow genesis of their love. For every happy ukelele song and dance moment there is a dead dog: for every declaration of undying devotion there is a brutal beating. It’s an up-and-downer!

There’s not much more to it than that, other than some unappealing Indie™ photography: 90% of the film seems to be little more than shots of people’s ears, as the camera seemingly sits on the shoulders of characters as they stare off into the distance or stumble over their semi-improvised dialogue. Cianfrance throws in a couple of final act revelations that cast the rest of the movie in a new light, but his decision to cross-cut between the hope of the past and the misery of the present means there is little else to be surprised at: we see how it started, but we also know it will end in acrimony and anguish. It’s an unavoidable side-effect of this otherwise quite interesting narrative choice, one that takes the equally-interesting time-skipping structure of Marc Webb’s (500) Days of Summer to its logical conclusion. It also serves as a warning to all star-crossed lovers to just not bother staying together as there is nothing but soul-crushing misery on the horizon: at least that’s what I took away from it.

Which, apparently, is my bad and nothing to do with Cianfrance. In the Q&A that followed the screening the director and co-writer revealed that his decision to order the movie in this way allowed the viewer to experience both the joy and the pain of a relationship from birth to death. If he meant for us to enjoy the moments of innocent euphoria in the courtship, he failed miserably by starting the film off with scenes of negativity and tension. When the admittedly charming courtship scenes are juxtaposed against the horrid bleakness of the break-up scenes, the overwhelming feeling is one of imminent doom.

This isn’t helped by the choice to supply no real information about the events that doomed this love in the years between their happy marriage and unpleasant split, other than to provide ambiguous hints. Admittedly, Cianfrance deserves praise for his bravery in leaving some moments unresolved. While the large black plothole in the middle of the movie might skew the tone of the movie too far into a nihilistic extreme (for this viewer, at least), the messier moments are ambiguous enough to generate much post-screening discussion. Nevertheless, it reinforces the apparently unintentional message that shit will go haywire and you’re going to end up semi-bald and/or crying in a kitchen somewhere down the line no matter what you do. Yeah, that’s right, not even a ukelele can save you. (I really hate that whimsified instrument.)

It’s not all bad. Both of the leads are phenomenal: it’s worth watching just to see them taking on temporally-separated emotional states that are so starkly contrasted it’s as if they’re playing two characters each. The soundtrack by Grizzly Bear is also commendable, though much of it sounds like remixes of cuts from Veckatimest (no bad thing, really). To be honest, talk of these positive aspects will do less to generate interest in the movie than the controversial sex scene in the middle of the movie. It’s the most curious and unresolved moment in the film, and shot in such a way that it’s difficult to attribute blame for what occurs later to either one of the protagonists. An interesting choice, though sadly one that will damage its box office chances. The MPAA’s ruling that the purposely confusing scene merits an NC-17 rating appeared to have angered producer Harvey Weinstein so much he crossed the Atlantic to rail against the rating prior to our screening. What a showman: I wonder how much coverage was generated in the trade press by his surprise appearance.

Consider Blue Valentine hesitantly recommended. It’s much harder to pass that judgement on to Alejandro González Iñárritu’s Biutiful, a starkly shot but mostly worthless wallow in exquisitely-shot tragedy and misery that makes his previous films look like remakes of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. Javier “Sex-Bomb” Bardem plays Uxbal, a low-level criminal using illegal immigrants to sell stolen goods on the streets and populate a grimy sweatshop making crappy clothes. He’s also the father of two children, struggling to raise them without his manic-depressive wife Marambra (Maricel Álvarez), who is having an affair with his sleazy nightclub-owning brother. On top of that he has terminal cancer, and only has a few weeks to live. Oh, and he’s psychic, and sees dead people: a characteristic that would be the focus of most other movies but only warrants a couple of mentions here.

That’s not to say I think it’s an unimportant trait. It’s the one thing that keeps Biutiful alive in my mind, as it turns what is otherwise a purposeless vacation in poverty-wracked “Real Life” into some kind of allegorical, fantastical mystery. Inarritu doesn’t blink from presenting Uxbal’s life as a purgatorial horror, as Bardem wanders through relentless, exhausting tragedy like a haunted St. Bernard. It’s a fantastic performance, the one solid element in an otherwise ridiculous movie that amounts to little more than Inarritu’s guilt-soaked The Passion of The Criminal. Like some kind of weird sadist, the director makes Uxbal jump through ever-more awful hoops: losing friends, causing terrible accidents, pissing blood.

The bookending scenes suggest Inarritu was intent on injecting some form of religious context, with Biutiful‘s world potentially being a vision of Purgatory, endured by Uxbal before he finally moves on to Heaven. This is the only way I can see the paranormal sub-plot working, because otherwise all the psychic visions do it undermine Uxbal’s selfless concerns about his kids. He tries his best to provide a life for them after he passes on, but instead of this being the one bright, human action, borne of compassion and love, it is transformed by this Sixth-Sense-esque oddness so that it merely seems like he’s attempting to ensure he doesn’t get trapped on that Purgatorial plane after death, as it is well established here that, yes, people who die are unable to move on because of that hoary old “unfinished business” trope.

I’ve seen festival reviews from critics who were transported by Inarritu’s vision, drawn in by the shameless melodrama and relentless poverty-porn on display, but it left me utterly cold. It’s not even confined to Uxbal’s plot, with all the Christ-like sacrifice and angst. In a nod to his previous collaborations with writer Guillermo Arriaga, Inarritu shows us how Uxbal’s actions affect Ekweme (Cheikh Ndiaye), an industrious “employee” who ends up in jail and thus leaves his wife to cope with their child alone, and Hai (Taisheng Cheng), the Chinese owner of the sweatshop struggling with his homosexuality. There is nothing really to say about these underdeveloped characters: they’re just there to suffer. It’s, you know, deep and stuff.

Why should we have to suffer, though? Inarritu seemed like a fresh voice once upon a time, someone willing to buck the trend for sappy escapism and provide ample portions of wholesome artistic grittiness. After four movies filled to the brim with this flagellatory emotional modishness, it’s become increasingly clear that the man has nothing to say other than “life sure is tough for the people at the bottom of the pile”. Biutiful might be a return to the streets that he depicted in Amores Perros, after two movies connecting the strife of the poor with the affluent of the “first world” (sorry for using that phrase), but it’s not as if he has anything new to say. At least he’s dispensed with the unnecessary cross-cutting narrative tricks that Arriaga brought to the plate. Sadly now we see there’s little else there.

Oh, and it’s called Biutiful because one of Uxbal’s children mis-spells Beautiful in a picture. Maybe this should be seen as a nod to The Pursuit of Happyness, replacing the “pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps” ethos of Gabriele Muccino’s film with the worthy and unappealing message that all there is in life is surviving through an interminable and soul-sucking grind, sacrificing everything for those who love you before you get to move on to a place where you can resolve the things that made you unhappy in life: the worst kind of joy-negating spiritual bullshit. With apologies to Craig Brewer and his movie Hustle and Flow, Inarritu’s movie should have been called It’s Hard Out Here For A Terminally-Ill Slave-Owning Psychic. Happyness might not have been a good movie, and might be riven with untrustworthy Hollywood artifice, but at least it ends on a note of concrete positivity, instead of the false spiritual silliness seen here.

Although, saying that, that artfully presented nonsense is preferable to Jerzy Skolimowski’s Essential Killing, a truly pointless exercise that runs short but bores long. Cinematic firebrand and 24/7 performance artist Vincent Gallo (because I refuse to believe his off-screen antics are anything but a fitfully amusing pose) plays a fugitive member of the Taliban, on the run for his life after escaping from a US holding facility. And that’s it. Gallo has no dialogue other than grunts of effort and guttural exclamations of horror or pain, his face permanently fixed in a rictus of terror, his actions mostly comprising scrambling up snow-laden hills and hiding behind trees.

You might think I’m exaggerating, but no. (Warning: Spoilers abound!) At the start of the movie we get a nifty little suspense sequence that ends with him blowing some US military personnel to smithereens, before he’s captured and tortured by waterboarding (making this one of four films I’ve seen in the past couple of months with topical references to this barbaric practice: the others were Amigo, Salt and The Expendables). He then escapes through pure dumb luck, drives for a bit, runs up some hills, gets saved from recapture by a dog, runs up some more hills, eats some berries and hallucinates some more dogs (wtf?), accosts a woman with a baby and forces himself upon her lactating breasts, gets badly hurt when a tree falls on him, kills a guy with a chainsaw (less interesting than it sounds), hides in a deaf woman’s house for a night, rides off on her horse, vomits blood onto its neck, then dies. The end.

And for what? Does Skolimowski think he’s educating his audience on what it must be like to be a member of the Taliban? Is he attempting to shock us by putting an unsympathetic character into situations that might make movie-goers root for him (because who doesn’t love a story about an outlaw on the run)? Is it meant to be a long and boring joke about religion being a false path? That last point might be the most probable: the protagonist occasionally dreams of being given instructions by a voice that is probably meant to be Allah, but these instructions lead him nowhere. Okay, let’s be generous: Skolimowski just schooled us about the futility of relying on God to save you, a theory undermined by the incidents in which our anti-hero is saved by dumb luck. And then un-undermined by the times he rescues himself. Hold on, what?

After an hour and a half of shots of Gallo having difficulty getting up some slopes (what a perverse directorial decision to hide that fascinating and terrifying face from our sight for long sections of the movie), I was murderously angry at having my time wasted in such a careless manner. Everyone has different criteria for what constitutes a successful artistic endeavour, but it failed all of my subjective rules for competence. It has no allegorical dimension, no coherent metaphorical throughline, no momentum, no narrative point, no political message, no aesthetic merit (either in terms of beauty or aggressive grungy anti-beauty. It’s just there onscreen, being uninspiring), no energy, no wit or dread or suspense or cathartic aggression or whimsy or charm.

The only thing it can call its own is a kind of childish transgressive energy, but really, if you’re the kind of person who thinks that making a movie from the point of view of the enemy is an affront to your sensibilties, then you’re a very dull person and your sensibilities need to grow up a bit. Not even the sight of Gallo gorging himself on the breast milk of a woman who conveniently faints in order to make the scene a bit easier to stage is particularly shocking. It just looks like an outtake from Freddy Got Fingered. Maybe the point is that there is no point: there is only survival, and random happenstance, and religious and political differences don’t matter. If that really is all there is to this tedious exercise in cinematic masturbation, then someone needs to get Skolimowski onto Twitter, because he might find that 140 characters may be more than enough for him to get his “message” across.